Seed (30 page)

“E
lizabeth wasn’t my mother,” I say. The days she has been gone are hollow circles, and I can’t get her back.

“How do you know?” Kate asks. She stands up, a fresh egg in her hand.

“Elizabeth told me.”

“Are you sure?” Kate looks at me and I nod my head. “Then it must be true.” She bends down again, sweeps her hand over the straw.

I wait. She has more she wants to say. She finds a new egg, brushes it clean, and puts it in the basket.

“Was I her real daughter?” Kate asks. The question shocks me. I have never, ever thought that Kate might be Elizabeth’s daughter. It had always been me. “Pearl?”

“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “She didn’t say.” I push my hand into the straw and it scratches me.

“I always hoped I was,” Kate says, sitting down. “But I always thought it was you.” I sit next to her and she takes my hand. “I really miss her, Pearl,” she whispers. “Papa S. says she is
everywhere, but I can’t see her anywhere.”

When she looks at me, her eyes are wide, like a child. “I feel like I’ve lost her, but I don’t know where to look.” She roughly wipes away her tears. “And I don’t care about my stupid life spirit. I don’t believe in it anyway.”

“Shh,” I say, looking quickly around the barn. “He’ll make you go into the Forgiveness Room again.”

“I’m not scared of that.” But she’s crying so much now that her body is shaking, her face is red and wet. The noise of her tears echoes up to the ceiling and out the open door. I put my arms around her, but she doesn’t stop. Maybe she doesn’t need to.

There’s the noise of someone coming in, walking closer, standing in front of us. I won’t look up.
Is it you, Papa S.? How will you punish Kate now, if your Forgiveness Room doesn’t work? Are you going to punish me?

There is a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s shit, isn’t it?” It’s Ellis.

I’m so relieved that I throw my arms around him as he sits down. My kiss is on his neck and the feel of his skin makes me pull away. Kate has curled her head into her knees and Ellis reaches for her. He lets her cry and there’s no fear in his eyes.

Slowly, Kate is quiet.

“I’ll get you out of here,” Ellis whispers.

Kate looks at me. I can tell by her eyes that she has talked
about this with Ellis before. “You’ll come too,” she whispers, looking at me. “And Jack.”

“But this is our home, Kate.”

“I won’t go without you,” Kate says to me. “I’m not leaving you here.”

“We’ve got it planned,” Ellis says. He comes closer to me, as if the air will take his secrets. “We’ll be fine, I promise.”

“I want to be free, Pearl,” Kate says, looking up at me.

“You are free,” I say. “You have everything here.”

But nothing I’m saying feels right. We don’t have everything, because Elizabeth has gone. Papa S. let her die.

“I need to show you something,” Ellis says.

“What?”

“Come with me,” he says and he stands up, tall against me.

“I don’t want to,” I say.

“Please,” he says. I see the bandage on his arm and I know I must follow him. He turns to Kate. “We need you to cover for us,” he tells her, and quietly she gets up too.

We walk into the house, through the coldness of the hall, until we’re standing outside the Forgiveness Room.

“Why are we here?” I ask, looking around. Ellis ignores me and he’s pushing open the door.

“No,” I say.

“You’ve got to see,” Kate tells me. Her hand is gentle on my
back, but she’s pushing me into the room. She stays on the outside, closing the door behind us. It is just me and Ellis with the red door in front of us.

“This is where he put my mom because she helped Elizabeth,” he says. “And I know you’ve been in here too.” Ellis starts to walk around the edge of the wall.

“I don’t want to be in here,” I whisper to him.

He looks back over his shoulder. “I have to show you,” he says.

My breath is short and I need to run away. Will Papa S. be waiting, standing quietly? But still I follow Ellis.

Around the corner, there’s a tape recorder on the floor. Ellis steps toward it, but then stops and looks at me. Then he pushes against the wall and it starts to move. He’s pushing it forward, making the Forgiveness Room inside it smaller and smaller.

“It was Papa S.,” he says. “Nature wasn’t crushing you, it was Papa S.”

No. No. He’s got it wrong.

But Ellis is pushing the walls and they’re going in.

“Nature could still have moved them,” I say. But I know I don’t believe it.

“Look,” Ellis says and he steps back toward the tape recorder. He kneels down and presses one of the buttons. Instantly the woman’s screams crush into my head. I cover my ears, until Ellis
presses another button and they stop.

“Did Papa S. tell you that these screams came from your bones?” Ellis asks me. I don’t reply. He knows the answer. “It’s just a tape. He just pressed Play.”

“But why?” I ask.

“Because he wants to control you. And if you’re frightened, you’ll do whatever he tells you. And he was using terror to control her too. Whoever she was, Pearl, she was terrified.”

I stare at Ellis. I don’t want to ask, but I know I have to. Because her screams were real. She was begging them to stop.

“Who is she?”

“I don’t know.” Ellis shakes his head. The coffin in the fire crackles in my mind. “But there’s more.” He presses the Forward button and there’s a whirring sound. Then it’s Papa S.’s voice I hear, coming from the tape recorder.

“. . . unconscious. I’ll take her upstairs.” His voice sounds strained. There’s someone else talking, a man, in the background. Papa S. shouts. “No! Leave us.”

Kate is knocking at the door. We have to get out of here. Ellis stops the tape and we run to the door. Kate has opened it. We walk through, just as Kindred John appears around the corner. He comes up close to us.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. There’s no warmth in his voice and he’s staring hard at Ellis.

“I was looking for you,” Ellis says. “I thought that I could help you with that table you’re working on. You could teach me.” Ellis smiles at him, doesn’t flinch for a second.

Kindred John looks around, at the Forgiveness Room door shut tight behind us. “Of course,” he says, his words squeezing through his teeth.

Kate takes my hand. My arm brushes Kindred John as I walk past.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

T
he only sound I can hear is the thread pulling through the material. I am sitting with Kate. She concentrates on the skirt she’s sewing, her forehead folded into a frown.

“Sylvie was my mother. Elizabeth told me.” My words stop Kate and she puts the needle onto her lap. “And now I will never see her.”

She reaches out to hold my hand. “She would have looked just like you.”

“But I will never know her. I will never hear her voice.”

The door opens and Rachel is here. “There you are.” She smiles at me. “Papa S. wants to see you.”

Kate doesn’t let go of my hand.

“He’s in the kitchen,” Rachel says.

Kate looks at me. “I’ll have to go,” I say. And I move Kate’s fingers from mine, feeling the sharp sting of the needle as it scrapes my fingertips.

Papa S. is alone in the kitchen. Is he going to punish me for shouting at him? For blaming him for Elizabeth’s dying? I won’t
say sorry, because I do blame him. He puts his arms out to me, but I don’t go to him. Confusion clouds his face.

“Come to me, Pearl,” he says.

Do I have a choice? I hesitate, but I walk toward him. He puts his hand on my head and holds me to his chest. I can hear his heart beating, but it doesn’t comfort me and I want to pull away. His hair brushes my cheek and instantly I see the hair crackling in the fire.

“Come now,” he says. His hand feels large in mine. He leads me from the kitchen, across the hallway.

The Forgiveness Room. Are we going to the Forgiveness Room? Does he know? I need to break away, to run from him.

“Do not be afraid,” Papa S. says. He smiles at me. His teeth look gray.

I walk with him, his hand tight on mine. We get closer. I can see the door. But he takes me past. Papa S. leads me toward his study. He smiles at me.

He pushes open his heavy door. And when I step through, he closes it behind me.

“Come,” he says. And he takes me to the sofa pushed against his window.

Outside, I can just make out the figure of Jack, standing alone in the field. I want him to come and take me away from here.

“You are hurting, Pearl,” Papa S. says as he sits me down.

“Yes,” I answer.

“Then I am disappointed in you.” His eyes stare into me.

“But Elizabeth . . .” My throat burns.

“It was her time,” Papa S. says. “This was the right way, the only way.”

“But the baby,” I whisper. Doesn’t he feel any sadness?

“The baby grew, so that it could take Elizabeth back to Nature.”

Nature didn’t take Elizabeth. You let her die.

“We should have taken her to the hospital,” I say quietly. Courage is building in me.

“You know that it’s your fault?” Papa S. smiles at me. “You left my chamber and Nature waited to punish you. And she chose to take the most precious thing from you.”

“No,” I whisper.
Please don’t let this be true.

“Yes. Nature punishes all things bad,” he says.

But Elizabeth wasn’t bad. She was everything pure.

“Did you not see the swarm of flies that came in from Outside?” Papa S. asks me, his voice strong with rage. “They came like a black cloud and Elizabeth opened her mouth and let them in.”

No, there was no swarm of flies. I think of the bees in Ellis’s stomach, the bees that never hatched.

Papa S. reaches out and touches my cheek. “Soon it will be
your time, Pearl.”

“For Nature to take me?” I ask. Papa S. laughs.

And now I am afraid. I imagine my body in the bonfire.

“To be my Companion,” he says.

To be his Companion. To be with him in his bed. His breath on my face. My hand on his robe.

Please look at me, Jack. Come and save me.

I must smile.

“Thank you,” I say, but my stomach hurts.

“Without each other, we are nothing, Pearl. Without our family, there is no point in anything.” Papa S. slips his fingers into my hair. “Like liquid sun,” he breathes.

“Who is Sylvie?” I ask. He freezes and my breath stops. I didn’t mean to ask.

“Who is Sylvie?” His voice is low, his words slow. “Is that what you asked?” He puts both hands on my shoulders and won’t let me look away. “Why do you mention that name?”

“It is something Nana Willow said.”

Papa S. drops his hands from me. “Her mind is rotten with age, Pearl,” Papa S. says.

Elizabeth told me too.

“Soon,” he says. “You will walk with me. We will be as one.” He smiles as he leans forward, and he’s kissing me on my lips. I jump back. There is a flash of fury in his eyes, but then he kisses
his palm and holds it over my heart. His fingers press at my skin through my shirt.

“Soon,” he says. Then he takes his hand from me. “Now go.”

I get up. He sees me walk out of his room. He sees me doing as he asks.
But Papa S., you cannot see my thoughts. You cannot see where they are leading me.

CHAPTER FORTY