Seeds of Hate (9 page)

I thought back on Javier protecting me and I smiled. I just wanted him as a friend. I
just
wanted him as a
friend
.

God, why couldn't I be pretty and cool and popular? I finished my food and tossed my plate in the sink. Walking back to their bathroom, I grabbed my book, my glass and emptied the tub. I froze as I crossed the large mirror in the center. Turning, I set my stuff down on the counter and stared at my reflection. My fingers touched my cheek and I pulled my face around at different angles, changing my appearance. I opened up my towel and dropped it to the floor, my breasts, belly and thighs visible in the light. I wasn't fat, but whatever I was, wasn't enough. My hair hung in partial dry and wet curls and even though I liked who I was, I didn't like what I saw.

My parents didn't come back because I wasn't good enough. I had no friends because I wasn't good enough. Why, why couldn't I just be good enough?

Chapter 12

Sleepover - The Past

(Maribel)

"All right boys, it's time for dinner!" Nathan and Javier ran through the hallway and into the cozy dining room. Both boys were flushed and had a thin sheen of sweat coating their foreheads. "What were you two doing? You're red and panting like dogs!"

"Aye! Mama we were just playing video games. Nathan passed six levels for me and showed me all these super cool hidden passages. I'm so glad Carlos let me borrow it!" My son's mouth slammed shut in embarrassment and his eyes tightened with shame. I don't think he wanted Nathan knowing we couldn't afford a video game system. Nathan had talked all week about wanting to play some game on the Nintendo, so Javier begged his cousin Carlos to let him borrow it for the night. It was his first time having a friend over and he wanted to make sure it was fun.

I watched the emotions on my sons face rapidly change as he tried to recover from the words that slipped out. Shaking off my concern and the disappointment that I couldn't buy him everything, I distracted the boys with food in an attempt to divert Nathan's attention.

"Mrs. Rios, dinner smells soooooooo good,” Nathan exclaimed. “What is it?”

I don't think he cared about the game anyway.

"Well, Nathan, I hope you like it. I'm not sure what you normally eat at home, but I made Javi's favorite—mac 'n' cheese with grilled spam."

Nathan's face twisted. "What's spam?"

"Well, just think of it as another form of bacon. Do you like bacon?" I asked.

"I looooooooove bacon!" he replied as his eyes lit up with excitement.

Dear Lord, please let the kid like spam. "Well then, good, you should like this."

The boys sat down at the table and devoured heaping portions of food. All that expelled energy playing video games gave them one heck of an appetite. I enjoyed having the company of another child. We felt more like a family. Not that I didn't enjoy life with just the two of us, but I remembered someone saying it took three people to make a family. I got caught up momentarily in the feel of it, wishing that Javi's father hadn't wanted out of my life and Javi's.

I didn't blame him, but he still made a choice. I was at fault as much as he was. Getting pregnant at eighteen wasn't something either of us had planned, but welcoming a child as precious as Javier into my life when I was barely an adult was a double-edged sword. In the end, I was raising him all by myself. There were months when I didn't know if we would make it, but so far we had and we would. Without help from my parents and without help from Javier's father.

When I found Lita everything got easier. She was our neighbor and retired, and although in her late sixties, she came into our home and turned our world around.

The boys continued to eat and talk amongst each other. It was crazy how close they had become over the years. Nathan was Javi's best friend.

"Okay boys, if you help me clean the dinner table I will make dessert. How does that sound?" I asked.

Javier looked at Nathan with a mischievous grin.

"
Mama, when you say dessert what exactly do you mean?" he asked.

I knew exactly what he would want. S’mores.

"
Why Javi, do you have a suggestion?"

"Weeeeeeell," he drew out long and sweet. It's the same way he asks for anything that he knows I might refuse. "I was thinking, since it's Nathan's first time over, which means this is a special day and special days should always be celebrated, that maybe... " His eyes squinted in hopeful anticipation.

I laughed at his effort. "Just spit it out, Javi."

"Okay, can we please please please please please pretty please please please please make s'mores tonight? Pleeeeease?"

Staring down at him, I paused without responding. He was so easy to tease.

Eventually I responded, "Sure, Javi. We can make s'mores."

Javier jumped on top of his chair and fist pumped the air. "Oh my gosh, Nathan, you are going to love it. Have you ever had s'mores before?"

Nathan, not really understanding the conversation at all, had his mouth open and his eyes wide. "Is it bad if I say no?"

"Yes, yes yes yes yes! I mean no-no. It's not bad. I'll teach you how to make them. It will be fun!" said Javier. He would be able to share something with Nathan that he hadn't tried before.

I prepped the kitchen to make s'mores. We didn't have a backyard for a fire pit so using the gas burners would have to make due. Thankfully, we at least had that. The apartment before only had electric. This was how I originally taught Javier anyway and he never seemed to complain. I could always taste a slight gaseous flavor to the marshmallows, but I was willing to overlook it. One day I would take them to the beach and they would make real s'mores with wire hangers and gritty sand shoved between their toes. It would be like sharing a part of Javier's father with him. He was the one who taught me how to make s'mores in the first place.

I touched my lips. I could still feel the ghost of his kiss.

Almost ten years had gone by since I last saw him and another man had yet to replace him. I shook my head from side to side. He was gone. Long gone. He would never meet Javier. He would never call him son. But he had given him his eyes. Bright green and magnetic. It was the only thing Javier really carried from him.

I pulled open the graham crackers and unwrapped the foil from the chocolate. I had anticipated this because I knew my son. Even though I was gone a lot, I knew my son.

Lighting the burner, I proceeded to inform the boys on how to carefully roast a marshmallow on the open flame. I used a long grilling fork and rotated it slowly—showing them how to get it evenly browned and toasted.

Nathan's interest had grown as he watched me pile the ingredients together. He was confused at first, but watched Javier repeat it all on his own and was excited to try.

As they chowed down on their s'mores, Javier began to quote portions of
The Sandlot
.

"Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?"

"Some more of what?"

"No, do you wanna s'more?"

"I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?"

Nathan turned to me then back to Javier. "What are you talking about, Javi?"

"
The Sandlot
! It's only like the best movie ever," said Javier as excitement splattered his face. "Please, Mom, please, please pleeeeeeease, can we watch it?"

How was I supposed to say no to those eyes. He was still so young, but I could already tell he was going to be very handsome when he grew up. Or I hoped.

Opening up the top cabinet, l reached for a bag of popcorn. I grabbed a bowl from below and looked back at Javier. Whenever I indulged him I got a small glimpse of how happy his father had been with me. It was hard to handle at times.

Javier ran over and enveloped me in a fierce hug. It was sweet moments like these that I lived for. Nathan stood behind, looking a bit uncomfortable. I imagined, more than likely, that Diana—his mom—wasn't an overly affectionate mother.

I playfully rubbed Nathan's head in the most affectionate gesture I could produce without it being awkward. Deep down, I wanted to scoop the little boy up and shower him with kisses. Children should never have to wonder whether or not they are loved. At times I felt I overcompensated since I was providing the love of two parents, but so far I believed I'd done a good job.

I popped the VHS into the player and sat down right in between them. I thought they might complain, but since I carried the popcorn they both shifted nearer to me and started eating. No more than twenty minutes in and both boys had passed out. Javier was nestling my shoulder, while Nathan was sprawled out—legs over the side and his head laid against my leg.

Without thinking, I began to run my fingers through little Nathan's hair. He looked more like Javier's father than Javier did. He nudged into my hand and let out the smallest little grunt. Kids needed love. Physical love, not things that represented love.

I gave myself a few more minutes to enjoy them both.

A small, warm tear managed to break away. It was interesting dealing with the repercussions of your choices. Javier was my greatest love, most prized possession and the center of my world. He was also the reason why I would love no one else, prize nothing else and never see the rest of the world. I didn't regret it. At least now I didn't. What I did regret was the timing of it all. Javier would be smarter. Think before doing. I wanted more for him.

Whispering into the dark, I eased the boys awake. They both yawned and rubbed at their eyes.

"What time is it?" asked Javier.

"It's late. Time to go to bed," I said. Pulling out the trundle, I got an extra pillow and sheets from the linen closet.

"You have a bed underneath your bed?" asked Nathan.

"You're the first person to officially sleep on it. Well, besides my mom." Javier turned his cheek away from Nathan—the embarrassment over another unintentional confession showering his face. "I mean when I was younger and stuff you know ... um ... she would sleep next to me when I got sick or stuff like that."

I bit back a smile. Javier's innocence and desire to be liked by Nathan was precious. Little did Nathan know I slept on his trundle more than he would ever admit. Sometimes he got afraid of the dark. Other times he just wanted to be near me. It didn't help that I was gone a lot. Two jobs. Long hours. Single motherhood.

"Wow, how cool," said Nathan.

Javier gulped deeply, "Cool about—?"

"The bed! And your mom. Both?" Nathan suggested.

"Yeah, both," Javier agreed.

Oh my heart. "Okay, boys, into bed. Lights out. When you wake up we can make pancakes or waffles for breakfast, and if you promise to not wake me up before 8 AM, I'll let you eat it with chocolate chips or cocoa powder!"

The boys both screamed.

"Waffles with chocolate chips and cocoa powder is so good. My mama makes it for me on special days," said Javier.

"So tomorrow is a special day because?" Nathan's mouth hung open in question. Pulling his blankets up to his chin, he wiggled into the sheets and looked up at me.

"Because you're here, Nathan," I said in response. My fingers drummed the side of the wall as I watched my words sink in. The apples of Nathan's cheeks hardened as he tried to absorb the compliment.

Turning around, I stood in the doorway, looked over my shoulder and whispered, "Goodnight, boys. Sweet dreams." I flicked the switch and walked down the hallway pretending to go to sleep. Pausing for a few moments, I backtracked against the coarse carpet and pressed my ear up against the thin door. They were whispering.

"—was so much fun! I can't believe your mom let us burn marshmallows."

"Yeah, she's cool like that," replied Javier.

"She's beyond cool. My mother would never do stuff like that."

"Really? But at least you have cool stuff like video games and a pool and a dad."

"Yeah, I guess. I get bored though," said Nathan.

"You have all that and you get bored?" Javier asked.

"Yeah."

"I don't think I'd ever get bored if I had all that."

"Maybe."

"I don't know, Nathan, it's pretty cool."

"Yeah, but you get waffles with chocolate chips and cocoa powder!" replied Nathan.

"Yeah, you’re right. My mom's the best!" said Javier.

"She is, Javi. She really is."

Chapter 13

Ruby's a Booby

(Javier)

The school called and asked me to come in. My probation was ending and it had only been a week. A week of hell. I spent my days walking around and watching. They didn't know it, but every day I walked to school and sat behind the chain-link fence peeking through the bushes.

On Monday, my curiosity was driven by what Izzy would do in my absence. Would he stay at the wall, eat in his car or just wander? I had come to rely on him relying on me. It made me feel important and worthwhile. Not that he hid in my shadow or followed me around, but he never made a move unless I did. I had been absent from school before in the past, but I always assumed he just sat there. Now, I felt like I needed evidence. Did he have other friends? Did he converse with other students? Did he do anything without me?