Selby Screams (11 page)

Selby’s mind raced like a runaway train. Suddenly he reached through the cage and undid the latch.

“I know what a dog can do,” he thought, jumping out of the cage. “He can get on that plane as a normal passenger, that’s what. All I have to do is get a disguise.”

Selby pictured himself in a raincoat, wearing a beard and sunglasses and then in a long gown with strings of pearls and a wig.

“Oh, it’s no use. No matter what I wear, I’ll look like a dog. But hold the show! What’s
wrong with looking like a dog? I’ll dress up as a dog. I’ll get a dog costume and people will think I’m a person in a dog suit!” he thought, suddenly remembering the money hidden in his collar that he got for acting in the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits ad. “It’s perfect! They’ll never think it’s a dog in a dog suit.”

Selby crept into a deserted office, grabbed the telephone book and found an ad that said:

Selby picked up a telephone and dialled.

“Hello, Courageous Costume? I’m in a bit of a fix and I need a dog costume fast. Bring it to the airport. If you can get it here in ten minutes, you’ve got a deal.”

It was a puzzled delivery man who came into the airport carrying the dog suit and looking around for the mysterious caller. It was a startled delivery man who caught a glimpse of something small and furry as it
snatched the parcel and then disappeared into the crowd.

“Hey, what was that? I’ve been mugged by a midget! Stop, thief!” he yelled, suddenly noticing the money that lay at his feet and picking it up. “Ha ha! The joke’s on him! He just dropped enough money to
pay
for the wretched costume. He can keep it.”

Selby slipped into the costume, stood on his hind legs and then hurried to the smiling clerk at the Happytime Airlines counter.

“And where are we off to today in our little doggie suit?” the clerk asked, grinning down at Selby.

“I don’t know about you but I’m off to Paradise Cove,” Selby said. “Make it a half fare, I’m under twelve years old.”

“Anything you say,” the clerk said, taking the money that Selby had placed on the counter and then smoothing his hair with his fingers. “We know how to make people happy on Happytime Airlines. And you’re in luck today, our in-flight snackette is South Seas Caress. Ummmmmmmmm.”

“What is South Seas Caress?”

“Why, coconut custard, of course,” the man said, handing Selby his ticket. “Now have a Hap-Hap-Happytime.”

“We’ll see about that,” Selby mumbled as he raced for the plane.

“What a cute little outfit,” the friendly stewardess said, showing him to his seat. “Let me fluff up a pillow for you.”

“Oh, look! It’s true,” Selby said, looking out the window."The people
do
look like ants.”

“I’m afraid those
are
ants,” the stewardess said, putting the pillow behind Selby’s head. “We haven’t taken off yet. Now sit back and relax. If you need anything, just push the call-button.”

“Oh boy! Oh boy!” Selby thought. “This is the life, flying the happy skies of Happytime Airlines and being looked after by happy people.”

Just then the plane tore down the runway and turned up sharply into the sky and in a few minutes a stewardess came down the aisle pulling a squirming boy.

“Why can’t I fly the plane?"Willy screamed. “Why can’t I have a go?”

“Oh, no! Aunt Jetty’s sending the brat to Paradise Cove to stay with the Trifles!” Selby thought."The nerve of her!”

“We showed you the cockpit,” the stewardess said, looking in a hand mirror and putting on another layer of lipstick, “and now I’ll give you a Happytime Airlines colouring-in book.”

“I don’t want a stupid colouring-in book!” Willy said, suddenly stopping and staring at Selby. “Hey, mister short man, why are you wearing a dog suit?”

“Is it against the law?” Selby asked in a low voice.

“Yes it is!"Willy wailed. “Yes it is against the law!”

“Ease off, kid,” Selby said, pretending to read the safety instruction card.

“Take your head off,” Willy whined. “I want to see you.”

The smiling stewardess brushed her hair until it was in one perfect piece and then gave it a quick spray.

“I’ll leave you boys to play,” she said, starting away. “I have to prepare the South Seas Caress.”

“Take it off, mister stupid!” Willy squealed, grabbing the head of the costume. “Take your head off!”

“Hey! Let go!” Selby yelled, struggling against Willy’s iron grip."You’ll rip it!”

“But I want to see your face!”

“Back off or I’ll push the call-button and you’ll be dragged back to your seat,” Selby said, pushing the call-button to get someone to drag Willy back to his seat.

Suddenly a steward appeared, straightening his necktie and polishing a button on his sleeve.

“Is there something you wish?” he asked, smiling down at Willy who was now on top of Selby and tugging at his costume.

“Yes!” Selby screeched. “Tie this little monster up and gag him! If you want me to smile awhile, that’ll do it.”

The steward stopped smiling for a minute and then burst out laughing.

“Oh, ho ho ho ho ho. For a minute I thought you were serious,” he said as he blew a microscopic piece of lint off his shoulder. “Keep right on having a Hap-Hap-Happytime, boys. See you later.”

“Won’t anyone take a guy in a dog suit seriously,” Selby thought as Willy lifted the head of his costume for an instant.

“So it’s you!” Willy yelled. “You talked! I knew you could talk! Hey, everybody,” Willy yelled to the passengers, “look at the talking dog!”

Everyone put their newspapers down for a second and then pulled them back up again. Then, in the instant that Willy’s back was
turned, Selby got up and started slowly down the aisle.

“Hey! Don’t you try to get away from me!” Willy screamed, running after him. Willy twirled his lasso in the air and Selby broke into an awkward run just ahead of him.

“I’m done,” Selby thought. “I can’t handle him myself. Somehow I’ve got to get the cabin crew to keep him away from me.”

“When I catch you,” Willy squealed, “I’m going to take your head off and everyone will know you’re a talking dog! You just wait!”

A grinning steward and a stewardess stepped out of the way, straightening their suits and watching as Willy chased Selby round and round the inside of the plane.

“Why do all these Happytime Airlines people have to be so happy all the time,” Selby thought, squeezing around a food trolley. “If they were normal grumpy people they wouldn’t put up with Willy for a second. I wonder if there’s a Grumpytime Airlines …?”

“Yaaaahhhhooooo!” Willy screamed and he jumped over the trolley, making the steward and stewardess laugh with delight.

Selby rounded a corner and dived under a seat.

“I can’t believe all this silly smiling stuff,” he thought as he crawled from one seat to the next. “It’s got to be an act.”

“Come here, talking doggie!” Willy yelled. “Wild West Willy will find you!”

“It’s just not normal for people to be this happy all the time,” Selby thought, suddenly reaching out and tripping Willy. “They’ve got to have their limits.”

Selby watched as Willy went flying down the aisle and crashed headfirst into a food trolley, throwing little plastic bowls of South Seas Caress in every direction.

“That’s funny!” Willy laughed. “Look at the funny gooey people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

There was a deathly silence as an angry stewardess picked a handful of coconut custard out of her hair.

“You monster!” she screamed. “You’ve ruined my hair!”

“And my uniform!” the steward cried, scraping custard off the front of his suit. “Now it’ll have to be dry-cleaned!”

“That does it!” said the stewardess as she grabbed Willy by the hair. “Goodbye smile-awhile! Put a gag in the brat’s mouth while I tie him up with his rope.”

“I didn’t do anything! No, don’t put that gag in my mmmmooooonnggggguuu!” the struggling Willy cried.

Selby slipped back into his seat and watched as they carried Willy to his seat and strapped him in. A cheer and a round of applause went up all around the plane.

“Well I’ll say one thing for Happytime Airlines,” Selby said as he fluffed his own pillow and put on some headphones to listen to the movie, “they certainly know how to make people happy — all of them but Willy, that is.”

It was a sunny spring day and Selby lay in the shade of his favourite bush, finishing a book he’d found called
Love Dawns Eternal.
A warm wind sprang up just as he read the last paragraph.

For a year I’d worked for Howard Cooper, the master of Cooper’s Rest. He was a man both silent and strong. Howard, whose dark looks cried out for a woman’s love, my love. And now, as I was about to board the coach and leave forever, I turned back a loose strand of hair and Howard caught a glimpse of my rose-coloured fingernails. Then his eyes penetrated my soul and he gently clasped my hands. His quiet voice whispered in my ear, “Oh Dawn, my rosy-fingered Dawn, you are the one I’ve waited for these many years. Please don’t go. Stay on and be my wife.”

“Oh, that sends shivers up my spine,” Selby said with a sigh. “Imagine. For all that time Howard didn’t even notice her and then his eyes penetrated her soul
(sigh)
and he fell instantly in love
(sigh).
Oh, isn’t love wonderful,” Selby thought as he tripped lightly into the house and lay dreamily on the carpet. “I only wish it could happen to me. Why can’t I find someone like Dawn to fall in love with?”

And then it was that Selby heard out of the corner of his ear, Mrs Trifle say to Dr Trifle, “Did you know that your old friend, Ralpho, is having a rather successful tour of country towns?”

“Ralpho?
The
Ralpho?” Dr Trifle asked, referring to his old friend Ralpho the Magnificent, failed inventor and sometimes magician. “I thought after the disastrous show he put on here for the boy scouts and girl guides, he would have gone out of the magic business for good.”

“For everyone’s good,” thought Selby, who remembered rescuing Ralpho from his robot-mummy.

“He not only didn’t quit,” Mrs Trifle said, “he seems to have added a talking dog to his act.”

“A talking dog?” Selby wondered. “How can it be? I’m the only talking dog in Australia and perhaps the world.”

“A talking dog?” Dr Trifle asked. “How could it be? There aren’t any talking dogs in the whole world — not even in Australia.”

“I know that, dear,” Mrs Trifle said. “He rang to invite us to his show and he said that his dog was a
real
version of your talking robot-dog.”

“My what?”

“The poor man was so flustered when he was here last that he went away with the impression that Selby was some sort of robot.”

“Now I remember,” Dr Trifle said, trying to snap his fingers the way people do sometimes when they remember something. “He
said
he was going to build a robot-dog like that horrible mummy thing. He’s undoubtedly got a stuffed-toy dog with a tape recorder in it. My guess is that it’ll look like a toy and it’ll sound like a tape recorder and it won’t fool anyone. But I have to admit, that mummy wasn’t bad before it went out of control.”

“There’s an article about Ralpho here in the newspaper,” Mrs Trifle said, holding up a copy
of the
Bogusville Banner.
“In it he says Lulu was found —”

“Lulu?”

“His talking dog. The article says that Lulu is a real live talking dog who was found walking aimlessly in the jungles of the Amazon.”

“That’s the sort of thing Ralpho might say to get people to go along and see his act, don’t you think?”

“Well, maybe,” Mrs Trifle said. “But if that’s true, he’s managed to fool everyone in the towns he’s been to on his tour and Melanie Mildew as well.”

“Melanie Mildew?” Dr Trifle asked.

“She’s the one who wrote the article,” Mrs Trifle said, “and I don’t think she’s easy to fool.”

“Gulp,” Selby thought, “neither do I. I wonder if there could be any truth in this.”

“I just wonder if there could be any truth in this,” Dr Trifle said. “I guess we’ll have to trot along tonight and see for ourselves.”

“Yes,” Mrs Trifle said, “and Ralpho asked us to bring Selby along. Why not, he might enjoy it.

That night the Trifles and Selby sat in the front row of the Bogusville Bijou as Ralpho’s show went terribly wrong. First one of his juggling rings got caught on a light and wouldn’t come down. Then he tried to juggle three bowling pins but one hit him on the head and the other two landed on his toes. And when he talked to his ventriloquist’s dummy his mouth was moving so much that the audience screamed with laughter, making it impossible for anyone to hear anything.

“Quiet please!” Ralpho yelled as he put the dummy away and got out a whip. “Now if I may have a volunteer from the audience I will demonstrate how I can take a pencil out of someone’s mouth at ten metres with the crack of this whip. Come on, speak up. Who will it be?”

For a minute, no one moved and then a voice cried out,"Well it won’t be me! Fair crack of the whip, Ralpho, you’d take my head off and leave the pencil!”