Selby's Shemozzle (6 page)

‘Hi, guys, have you heard the exciting news?' Aunt Jetty said as she bounded through the doorway. ‘That old cheapskate, Mr Penticost, just won ten million bucks!
Ten million smackeroos!
Why do the wrong people always win? I never win anything.'

‘Neither do we,' Mrs Trifle said, ‘but then, we don't buy the tickets in the first place.'

‘Well, I do, ‘Aunt Jetty said. ‘In fact, I bought one for today's lottery but I lost it. I think I must have dropped it when I left the newsagency this morning.'

‘I just changed my mind,' Selby thought, as he struggled to keep from smiling. ‘Maybe life is fair after all — well, a little bit.'

Hi, this is Selby and I'm going to tell this story myself. It's too complicated to let Duncan tell it. Besides, he might try to make it funny. One thing it definitely is
not
is funny. Anyway, I'm going to tell it myself, if that's okay with you.

It was Saturday evening. Dr Trifle was on a stepladder twisting a little metal thingy into the ceiling. What was I doing? I was just lying there sort of watching.

Dr Trifle said, ‘If this new invention of mine works, everyone will want one.'

Which is what he always says about his new inventions.

So Mrs Trifle said, ‘That's what you always say about your new inventions.'

‘Do I?' he asked. (Dr Trifle always forgets things.)

‘Yes. You even said it about the hair restorer you invented this morning.'

‘The what?' (See what I mean about Dr Trifle forgetting?)

That morning he'd invented some stuff to make hair grow back if you're bald. At least, that's what he hoped it would do. He'd put it in an empty bottle of Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream.

‘This,' Mrs Trifle said, picking up the bottle. ‘You said that everyone would want it, but I don't think so. The bald patch on your head is still just as bald as it was.'

‘Is it?' Dr Trifle said, tipping his head so he could see the top of it in the mirror. ‘Oh, well, throw it away. But this invention will be a winner.'

Mrs Trifle looked up.

‘It looks like a water sprinkler, like the ones you see in offices.'

‘That's exactly what it is. But those ones only start spraying water when things really get
burning. The heat turns them on. My VAPO invention is much better.'

‘VAPO?'

‘Voice-Activated Putter-Outer. The second you see the tiniest spark or a bit of smoke, you just yell you-know-what and
whoooooooooosh
! water sprays everywhere.'

‘What is it that you have to yell?' Mrs Trifle said.

‘You-know-what.'

‘So if I yelled out “you-know-what” right now it would start sprinkling?'

‘No, you don't actually yell “you-know-what". You have to yell …' Dr Trifle scrambled down from the ladder and whispered in Mrs Trifle's ear.

‘Oh,' she said. ‘So you have to yell “Fire".'

‘Shhhh! Not so loud, you'll set it off,' Dr Trifle said. ‘Now, isn't that the best you-know-what putter-outer invention ever?'

‘Maybe, but what if a … a you-know-what starts and there's no one around to yell … you-know-what?'

‘Hmmm,' Dr Trifle hmmmed. ‘I hadn't thought of that. Oh well.'

‘Goodness me, look at the time!' said Mrs Trifle. ‘Jetty will be here any minute. She's leaving her boys with us tonight while she does her Aggressiveness Training class.'

Now, as anyone who's read any of the stories about me knows, Aunt Jetty hates me. I think she really started to hate me when I bit her on the bum. But that's a different story.
Why she thinks she needs aggressiveness training is beyond me. She's already as aggressive as a crocodile with two heads.

Anyway, her dreadful sons, Willy and Billy, have always hated me. So when the brats come over, I usually disappear. Only this time Mrs Trifle had put a big lacy tablecloth over the dining-room table, so I just crawled under it and hid.

Minutes later, Willy and Billy were running around the house. Willy was shooting arrows at Billy and Billy was hitting Willy with his cricket bat.

‘Settle down, boys, before you kill each other,' Mrs Trifle ordered.

‘It's okay, Sis,' Aunt Jetty said. ‘The arrows have rubber tips and the cricket bat is only plastic. They can't hurt each other.'

‘I'm not just worried about them,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘They're knocking things over everywhere. Something's going to get broken.'

‘Time out!' Aunt Jetty roared, putting her hands up to make a T shape. ‘Stop it right now!'

Now, when Aunt Jetty roars, she really roars! Willy and Billy stopped in their tracks.

‘But we're not hurtin' nuffin',' Willy said.

‘Well, it's time to stop,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘We have some books you boys can read.'

‘Books?! Yuck! We want to watch our DVDs,' said Billy.

‘What are they?' Mrs Trifle asked.

Willy got a DVD out of his bag and I could see a horrified look on Mrs Trifle's face.

‘Oh no, you don't,' she said. ‘You're not going to watch a film called
The Blood of the Wolfman.
Look what it says on the back: “Lock your doors and windows! Hairy Harry the head-chopping monster from hell is back.”'

‘Wolfman?!' Aunt Jetty said, snatching the
DVD from Willy. ‘You boys said it was a nature film.'

‘It's not scary, Mummy,' Willy said. ‘It's just funny when he chops heads off and that.'

‘You're not watching it!'

‘Is this one okay, Mummy?' Willy asked, handing another DVD to Aunt Jetty.

‘Krazy Kitties Go on Holidays,'
she read. ‘“Another fun-filled frolic, when Karen and Karla Kitty get lost in a fun fair.” Yes, you can watch this one.'

‘Okay, Mummy,' Willy and Billy said together.

‘The Blood of the Wolfman,'
Aunt Jetty said to her sister. ‘Can you believe the things kids watch today? When we were kids our parents read us stories like
Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
They were scary enough! I used to be terrified when the three bears blew the house down.'

‘I think that was
The Three Little Pigs,'
said Mrs Trifle. ‘What scared me was the wolf in
Little Red Riding Hood.'

‘Yes, I remember,' Aunt Jetty laughed. ‘When Mum said, ‘'What big teeth you have, Grandma", you'd put your hands over your eyes and scream, “It's a wolf! It's a wolf!”'

Dr Trifle laughed.

‘When the giant in
Jack and the Beanstalk
said, “Fee fi fo fum",' Dr Trifle said, ‘I used to scream, “Look out! Here he comes!”'

Dr and Mrs Trifle and Aunt Jetty all had a big laugh.

‘Uh-oh! I'm going to be late for my Aggressiveness Training class,' Aunt Jetty said, leaping up and giving a sideways kick.
‘Hiiii-yah!'

Now this is the bit that I saw but I don't think anyone else did. Just as she got to the door, Aunt Jetty noticed the bottle of Dr Trifle's hair restorer in the rubbish.

‘What have we here? Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream,' she mumbled as she slipped it into her sports bag.

Anyway, later when Dr Trifle was back in his workroom and Mrs Trifle was in the study, Willy said, ‘Hey, Billy! Let's watch the
Krazy Kitties.'

‘Yeah, right,' Billy said. ‘He he he.'

I could tell from the giggling that they were up to no good. Sure enough, out of the
Krazy Kitties Go on Holidays
DVD case came
The Blood of the Wolfman.
Those sneaky brats had switched the DVDs!

Anyway, they started watching it — and it was awful! It was about this werewolf called Hairy Harry who went around killing people. The only way to kill him was to put a piece of wood through his heart. Anyway, somebody did kill him in the end.
Sooooooo
gross!

‘If he came in here I could kill him with my cricket bat!' Billy said.

‘No, you couldn't,' Willy said. ‘He'd chop your head off.'

‘He couldn't because I'd get him first.'

‘No, you wouldn't, Billy. I'd shoot him in the heart with my bow and arrow and he'd be dead.'

‘Ha ha. He'd chop your head off cos your arrows are only rubber.'

‘Oh yeah? Well then I'd pull the rubber bit off and shoot him through the heart and he'd be really, really dead, stupid.'

That's when Mrs Trifle came out of the study.

‘How was the movie?' she asked the boys.

‘It was good,' they both said.

‘Well, your mother just rang to say she's going to be late. So you can sleep on the lounge till she gets back.'

Mrs Trifle put a blanket over the boys and turned off the lights. Then she and Dr Trifle went to bed.

So there I was, wide awake and totally spooked by the stupid movie. Every time I heard a noise I thought it was Hairy Harry coming to chop my head off. Of course, Willy and Billy went right to sleep.

Anyway, about an hour later I heard the front door slowly creaking open. At first I thought, ‘It's the werewolf!' but then I thought, ‘Get a grip, Selby, it's only Aunt Jetty.'

I looked out from under the tablecloth and there was this really hairy hand coming around the door.

‘Gulp,' I thought. ‘It's him! But it can't be!'

The hairy hand was followed by another hairy hand, and then a hairy head. There, creeping into the lounge room, was Hairy Harry!

Now, I don't know what you'd do if a hairy head-chopping monster came into your lounge room. I don't reckon you'd think it over or anything. I mean, you probably wouldn't say to yourself, ‘A hairy head-chopping monster
just came into my lounge room. What should I do about it? Let me think this over.' No, I reckon you'd scream. And that's just what I did. I yelled out in plain English, ‘Help! He's here! The monster's here! Run for your lives!'

The surprising thing was that the monster screamed too.

‘A monster! A monster!' it screamed.

That's when I realised that the hairy head-chopping werewolf was really Aunt Jetty! And all the hair was from Dr Trifle's hair restorer, because she'd thought it was Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream and put it all over herself!

Anyway, Aunt Jetty ran down the hallway to get away from the monster and she suddenly saw herself in the hall mirror. Of course, she didn't know she was covered in hair, and in the darkness she didn't know that the hairy monster running towards her was herself.

Suddenly she leapt into the air with a
‘Hiiii-yah!',
kicking the mirror and smashing it to bits.

‘Where'd you go, you devil?' she screamed, and she raced back, kicking in every direction.
‘Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah!'

Now at this point the boys woke up and started screaming at the top of their lungs, ‘Help! It's him! It's him! Help!' while running around trying to keep out of the way of their kicking mother.

Hearing all the noise, Mrs Trifle tore out of the bedroom and when she saw the hairy, kicking monster she suddenly must have gone back to being a little girl again, because she put her hands over her eyes and screamed, ‘It's a wolf! It's a wolf!'

The thing about Dr Trifle is that he's a very sound sleeper. Almost nothing wakes him up. But he's not a sound enough sleeper to sleep through four people screaming at the top of their lungs, and one of them kicking the furniture to bits. So, still dazed from his deep sleep, Dr Trifle stepped into the hallway, rubbing his face with his hands.

It was then that he must have felt the patch of new hair growing on the top of his head where he used to be bald. And it was then that he saw the dark hairy figure kicking and roaring like a gorilla fighting off a herd of attacking hyenas.

It was suddenly all too much for him and he, too, sank back into his
Jack and the Beanstalk
days.

‘Look out!' he screamed. ‘Here he comes! Look out! Look out!'

Billy was running around bashing his mother with his plastic cricket bat until she kicked him across the room.

Willy, meanwhile, ripped the rubber tips off his wooden arrows, took aim at his mother and drew the bow back so far I thought it would break.

‘Shoot him in the heart, Willy!'
Billy screamed.
‘Shoot the werewolf! Ready! Aim! …'

When I saw Willy about to shoot his mother through the heart, I knew I had to do something.

I leapt out from under the table and was about to yell out in plain English, ‘Stop this! Stop it right now! It's not a hairy head-chopping monster, it's only Aunt Jetty!' when suddenly Billy yelled,
‘Fire!'
and Willy let the arrow go.