Selby's Stardom (8 page)

‘It makes me feel a bit weird,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did you do it?'

‘I'll show you,' said Dr Trifle.

Dr Trifle gently opened Ray's mouth with his fingers and took something out.

‘These Lip Movers turn a normal cat into a Happy Cat,' he explained. ‘The LMs hook gently over the lips from inside. They're so soft that the cat can't even feel them. They move the cat's lips into a smile when it purrs.'

‘But how?'

‘With this,' Dr Trifle said, taking off Ray's collar. ‘Inside the collar is a tiny Purr Dectector. When Ray purrs, this sends a signal to the LMs which move his lips.'

‘I guess it's not such a bad invention,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘Unfortunately, the materials to make one are very expensive. I wouldn't dare tell you how much this one cost,' Dr Trifle said. ‘And I made another one too,' he added, taking something out of his pocket. ‘Watch me turn Selby into a Happy Dog.'

Dr Trifle parted Selby's lips and pressed the device firmly down over his teeth. He then hooked the Lip Movers over Selby's lips.

‘How are you going to get Selby to purr?' Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Happy Pup is different from Happy Cat,' Dr Trifle explained as he put a tiny band around Selby's tail. ‘When Selby wags his tail the Wag Detector sends a signal to the LMs.'

Mrs Trifle patted Selby and then gave him a big hug. Without thinking, Selby started wagging his tail and at the same moment, his lips began to move.

‘He's smiling!' Mrs Trifle said. ‘That's wonderful! Oh, Selby, you gorgeous dog you!'

‘Hey, this is fun!' Selby thought. ‘And I can't even feel it in my mouth.'

‘I really wanted to finish this today to play a trick on our old comedian friend.'

‘Gary Gaggs?' Mrs Trifle said. ‘Oh, yes, his new comedy show,
Beyond a Joke!,
opens tonight at the Bogusville Bijou Theatre.'

‘And he'll be here for a visit any minute now.'

Mrs Trifle was a little cross because Dr Trifle hadn't told her to expect company. She was about to say something when Dr Trifle said, ‘Here he comes now.'

Selby watched as Gary Gaggs got out of his car and walked towards the front door.

‘Oh, no!' Selby thought. ‘I love that guy but his jokes kill me! It's all I can do to keep from laughing. And if I laugh, my secret won't be a secret anymore. I've got to get out of here.'

Selby started for the back door but Dr Trifle grabbed him by the collar.

‘Stay here, Selby,' he said. ‘We're going to have a little fun with Gary.'

Dr Trifle adjusted the Wag Detector on Selby's tail as Mrs Trifle greeted Gary at the door. Gary then burst into the lounge room.

‘Gary!' Dr Trifle said. ‘How are you?'

‘I'm fine,' Gary said. ‘Well, except for the fact that I'm stuck in debt. Actually it's my debt that's stuck.'

‘What do you mean your debt is stuck?' Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Well my debt is stuck because I just can't budget,' Gary said. ‘Get it?
Budge it?
Woo woo woo,' Gary said, strutting around like a chicken. ‘Do you like that one?'

‘Budge it,' Selby thought, struggling not to laugh. ‘Oh, that's a good one!'

‘But seriously,' Gary said. ‘My grandfather died and left me some money in his will. You know what a will is, don't you? It's a
dead giveaway!
Woo woo woo.'

‘A dead giveaway,' Selby really had to struggle not to laugh at that one. ‘Oh, no, I can't stand this.'

Suddenly Selby felt his lips moving.

‘Oh, no! I'm smiling!' he thought. ‘I'm trying not to but I am!'

Gary gave Selby a stunned look.

‘That dog is smiling!' he said.

‘You said something funny, Gary,' Dr Trifle said. ‘What did you expect?'

As Selby's smile faded, Gary looked him in the eyes.

‘Did I tell you about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?' he asked. ‘He's completely
recovered
now! Woo woo woo. Get it? Upholstery machine? Re-
covered
?'

Again Selby felt his lips move. This time he noticed that Dr Trifle was moving his hand back and forth.

‘He's moving the Wag Detector,' Selby thought. ‘And Gary doesn't notice.'

‘Selby did it again!' Gary screeched. ‘He smiled at me! I've never seen a dog smile before!'

‘Selby is a very special dog,' Dr Trifle said. ‘He understands everything we say. And he's got a great sense of humour.'

‘Does he, really?' Gary said. ‘How about this one: I had a fried egg for breakfast. A fried egg for breakfast is hard to beat!'

‘A fried egg is hard to
beat!'
Selby thought. ‘That's great! I love this Happy Pup thing because now I don't have to struggle not to smile.'

‘I can't believe this!' Gary exclaimed. ‘I had no idea Selby was that smart. When did you find out?'

‘We found out that he could understand us a long time ago didn't we, Selby?' Dr Trifle said.

Selby smiled.

‘It's a pity you can't talk to us, isn't it, Selby?'

Selby smiled again.

‘Hey, hang on!' Gary said. ‘What's that thing in your hand? You're shaking something.'

‘What, this?' Dr Trifle said showing him the Wag Detector.

Dr Trifle shook it and as Selby smiled, he grabbed the Happy Pup device and pulled it out of Selby's mouth. Gary let out a great laugh.

‘You rascal, you,' he said. ‘You had me fooled. How does it work?'

‘Nothing to it. You shake this,' Dr Trifle said, opening Selby's lips. ‘And this bit makes him smile.'

‘I've got a great idea!' Gary said. ‘I could use Selby in my show. May I borrow him?'

‘It's okay with me,' Dr Trifle said.

‘And me,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘Sometimes I think he likes having an audience.'

‘This is great!' Selby thought. Now I can see Gary's show from right up close. I can't wait!'

That evening Gary stood on stage of the Bogusville Bijou Theatre doing his show.

‘Good evening ladies and germs,' he said. ‘I'm Gary Gaggs and this is
Beyond a Joke!
Tonight, as well as my usual show, we have a special guest star … the one … the only … Smiling Selby.'

The audience cheered and Gary started his show.

Every time Gary told a joke he secretly moved the pocket in his jacket back and forth. The audience laughed and Selby smiled along with them — which made the audience roar even louder.

‘The other day I went fly-fishing in Bogusville Creek,' Gary said. ‘At the end of the day I'd caught three hundred flies. Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, a fellow goes into a doctor's office and says, “Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!” and the doctor says, “Be a little patient, will you?” Woo woo woo!'

‘Oh, I love these jokes!' Selby thought.

‘A woman says to a doctor, “I'm turning into a kleptomaniac!” and the doctor says, “What are you taking for it?” Woo woo woo! I wanted to feed the pigeons in the park so I went to a pet food shop. I said, “Do you sell pigeons' seed?” And they said, “We do, but only if they're accompanied by a person.” Woo woo woo!'

In the front row, Dr and Mrs Trifle had tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

‘A fellow goes into the Registry office and he says, “I want to marry my sister.” And the clerk says, “That's out of the question! It's against the law!” And the fellow says, “But hang on, I'm the minister.”'

‘Oh, I get it,' Selby thought. ‘The minister's the one
performing
the marriage.'

The audience roared and then roared again when Selby smiled.

‘A woman goes into a butcher shop and says, “Give me half a kilo of kiddies.”And the butcher says, “Kiddies? Don't you mean kidneys?” And she said. “That's what I said, diddle I?”'

‘It's all I can do to keep from laughing,' Selby thought. ‘But at least I'm smiling.'

Towards the end of the show, someone in the audience yelled out,' How does the dog do it?'

‘Selby likes a joke as much as the next man — I mean, as the next dog,' Gary said. ‘And I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight. So this is me, Gary Gaggs, bidding you farewell and saying, this is
Beyond a Joke!'

‘They loved it!' Mrs Trifle said after the show. ‘Oh, Gary, that was your greatest show ever!'

‘And Selby made it even greater,' Gary said. ‘Didn't you, little guy?'

‘I certainly did,' Selby thought.

‘I'd better go now,' Gary said. ‘Would you mind if I borrow Selby again?'

‘No, but I'd better make some minor adjustments to the Wag Detector,' Dr Trifle said, putting out his hand.

‘Yes, certainly,' Gary said, reaching into his pocket. ‘Oops. Where is it? Oh, now I remember, I left it in my other jacket. I'll get it.'

Just as Gary started to walk away, Dr Trifle said, ‘Now wait a minute. If you didn't have it in your jacket pocket then how did Selby smile?'

‘Yes,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did he?'

Selby looked up at the three puzzled faces staring down at him.

‘Uh-oh,' he thought. ‘I was really smiling.'

‘Selby!' Mrs Trifle said. ‘Did you understand Gary's jokes?'

‘Please don't look at me that way, you guys,' Selby thought. ‘I can't stand it.'

‘I can't think of any other explanation,' Dr Trifle said. ‘He must be able to understand plain English.'

‘And my jokes too,' Gary asked.

‘Oh, no, I'll have to confess,' Selby thought.

‘Let me tell him another joke,' Gary said. ‘A bloke goes into a butcher shop and he said, “Give me two of your best steaks and make them lean.” And the butcher says, “Which way?” Woo woo woo!'

‘Lean. Which way,' Selby thought, struggling not to laugh
or
smile. ‘Any second now I'm going to crack! Oh, I hope Gary doesn't tell another joke!'

‘I'll tell him another one,' Gary said. ‘I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded. Then I got a job cutting down trees, but I couldn't hack it. They gave me the axe. Woo woo woo!'

Selby suddenly had an idea. Working his tongue down under the Lip Mover, he prised it loose and popped it up into the middle of his mouth. Then, with one almightly chomp he crushed it, leaving some of it lodged between his teeth.

‘He's smiling again?' Gary said. ‘You see? He does understand!'

‘Oh, Selby!' Mrs Trifle said, hugging him. ‘Hey, hang on. What's this?'

Mrs Trifle pulled Selby's lips apart. ‘The silly thing's stuck between poor Selby's teeth,' she said, pulling it out. ‘You poor dear. You weren't smiling after all. You were just trying to get that nasty thing out of your mouth. Oh, Selby, I'm so sorry.'

‘I think I'll have to scrap this idea,' Dr Trifle said, looking at what was left of the Lip Mover. ‘It's obviously not safe and, besides, it's already cost me a fortune.'

‘That's nothing compared to what it almost cost me,' Selby thought.

And he was so relieved that he could barely keep from smiling.

A gymnast by the name of Sue
Once rubbed herself with superglue
Then climbed up on her trampoline
But stopped midway through her routine
Sue-perior, is how she's feeling
She's so stuck up – against the ceiling.