Sense of Wonder: A Century of Science Fiction (344 page)

I stared at the unconscious girl, then shrugged and started on the noodles. My own head was still swimmy with the fumes, incense and drug, and I wanted it clear. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do, but I had Evarin’s right-hand girl, and I was going to use her.

The noodles were greasy and had a curious taste, but they were hot, and I ate all of one bowl before Miellyn stirred and whimpered and put up one hand, with a little clinking of chains, to her hair. The gesture was indefinably reminiscent of Dallisa, and for the first time I saw the likeness between them. It made me wary and yet curiously softened.

Finding she could not move freely, she rolled over, sat up and stared around in growing bewilderment and dismay.

“There was a sort of riot,” I said. “I got you out. Evarin ditched you. And you can quit thinking what you’re thinking, I put my shirtcloak on you because you were bare to the waist and it didn’t look so good.” I stopped to think that over, and amended: “I mean I couldn’t haul you around the streets that way. It looked good enough.”

To my surprise, she gave a shaky little giggle, and held out her fettered hands. “Will you?”

I broke her links and freed her. She rubbed her wrists as if they hurt her, then drew up her draperies, pinned them so that she was decently covered, and tossed back my shirtcloak. Her eyes were wide and soft in the light of the flickering stub of candle.

“O, Rakhal,” she sighed. “When I saw you there—” She sat up, clasping her hands hard together, and when she continued her voice was curiously cold and controlled for anyone so childish. It was almost as cold as Dallisa’s.

“If you’ve come from Kyral, I’m not going back. I’ll never go back, and you may as well know it.”

“I don’t come from Kyral, and I don’t care where you go. I don’t care what you do.” I suddenly realized that the last statement was wholly untrue, and to cover my confusion I shoved the remaining bowl of noodles at her.

“Eat.”

She wrinkled her nose in fastidious disgust. “I’m not hungry.”

“Eat it anyway. You’re still half doped, and the food will clear your head.” I picked up one mug of the coffee and drained it at a single swallow. “What were you doing in that disgusting den?”

Without warning she flung herself across the table at me, throwing her arms round my neck. Startled, I let her cling a moment, then reached up and firmly unfastened her hands.

“None of that now. I fell for it once, and it landed me in the middle of the mudpie.”

But her fingers bit my shoulder.

“Rakhal, Rakhal, I tried to get away and find you. Have you still got the bird? You haven’t set it off yet? Oh, don’t, don’t, don’t, Rakhal, you don’t know what Evarin is, you don’t know what he’s doing.” The words spilled out of her like floodwaters. “He’s won so many of you, don’t let him have you too, Rakhal. They call you an honest man, you worked once for Terra, the Terrans would believe you if you went to them and told them what he—Rakhal, take me to the Terran Zone, take me there, take me there where they’ll protect me from Evarin.”

At first I tried to stop her, question her, then waited and let the torrent of entreaty run on and on. At last, exhausted and breathless, she lay quietly against my shoulder, her head fallen forward. The musty reek of
shallavan
mingled with the flower scent of her hair.

“Kid,” I said heavily at last, “you and your Toymaker have both got me wrong. I’m not Rakhal Sensar.”

“You’re not?” She drew back, regarding me in dismay. Her eyes searched every inch of me, from the gray streak across my forehead to the scar running down into my collar. “Then who—”

“Race Cargill. Terran Intelligence.”

She stared, her mouth wide like a child’s.

Then she laughed. She
laughed
! At first I thought she was hysterical. I stared at her in consternation. Then, as her wide eyes met mine, with all the mischief of the nonhuman which has mingled into the human here, all the circular complexities of Wolf illogic behind the woman in them, I started to laugh too.

I threw back my head and roared, until we were clinging together and gasping with mirth like a pair of raving fools. The
chak
waiter came to the door and stared at us, and I roared “Get the hell out,” between spasms of crazy laughter.

Then she was wiping her face, tears of mirth still dripping down her cheeks, and I was frowning bleakly into the empty bowls.

“Cargill,” she said hesitantly, “you can take me to the Terrans where Rakhal—”

“Hell’s bells,” I exploded. “I can’t take you anywhere, girl. I’ve got to find Rakhal—” I stopped in midsentence and looked at her clearly for the first time.

“Child, I’ll see that you’re protected, if I can. But I’m afraid you’ve walked from the trap to the cookpot. There isn’t a house in Charin that will hold me. I’ve been thrown out twice today.”

She nodded. “I don’t know how the word spreads, but it happens, in nonhuman parts. I think they can see trouble written in a human face, or smell it on the wind.” She fell silent, her face propped sleepily between her hands, her hair falling in tangles. I took one of her hands in mine and turned it over.

It was a fine hand, with birdlike bones and soft rose-tinted nails; but the lines and hardened places around the knuckles reminded me that she, too, came from the cold austerity of the salt Dry-towns. After a moment she flushed and drew her hand from mine.

“What are you thinking, Cargill?” she asked, and for the first time I heard her voice sobered, without the coquetry, which must after all have been a very thin veneer.

I answered her simply and literally. “I am thinking of Dallisa. I thought you were very different, and yet, I see that you are very like her.”

I thought she would question what I knew of her sister, but she let it pass in silence. After a time she said, “Yes, we were twins.” Then, after a long silence, she added, “But she was always much the older.”

And that was all I ever knew of whatever obscure pressures had shaped Dallisa into an austere and tragic Clytemnestra, and Miellyn into a pixie runaway.

Outside the drawn shutters, dawn was brightening. Miellyn shivered, drawing her thin draperies around her bare throat. I glanced at the little rim of jewels that starred her hair and said, “You’d better take those off and hide them. They alone would be enough to have you hauled into an alley and strangled, in this part of Charin.” I hauled the bird Toy from my pocket and slapped it on the greasy table, still wrapped in its silk. “I don’t suppose you know which of us this thing is set to kill?”

“I know nothing about the Toys.”

“You seem to know plenty about the Toymaker.”

“I thought so. Until last night.” I looked at the rigid, clamped mouth and thought that if she were really as soft and delicate as she looked, she would have wept. Then she struck her small hand on the tabletop and burst out, “It’s not a religion. It isn’t even an honest movement for freedom! Its a—a front for smuggling, and drugs, and—and every other filthy thing!

“Believe it or not, when I left Shainsa, I thought Nebran was the answer to the way the Terrans were strangling us! Now I know there are worse things on Wolf than the Terran Empire! I’ve heard of Rakhal Sensar, and whatever you may think of Rakhal, he’s too decent to be mixed up in anything like this!”

“Suppose you tell me what’s really going on,” I suggested. She couldn’t add much to what I knew already, but the last fragments of the pattern were beginning to settle into place. Rakhal, seeking the matter transmitter and some key to the nonhuman sciences of Wolf—I knew now what the city of Silent Ones had reminded me of!—had somehow crossed the path of the Toymaker.

Evarin’s words now made sense: “
You were clever at evading our surveillance—for a while.
” Possibly, though I’d never know, Cuinn had been keeping one foot in each camp, working for Kyral and for Evarin. The Toymaker, knowing of Rakhal’s anti-Terran activities, had believed he would make a valuable ally and had taken steps to secure his help.

Juli herself had given me the clue: “
He smashed Rindy’s Toys.
” Out of the context it sounded like the work of a madman. Now, having encountered Evarin’s workshop, it made plain good sense.

And I think I had known all along that Rakhal could not have been playing Evarin’s game. He might have turned against Terra—though now I was beginning even to doubt that—and certainly he’d have killed me if he found me. But he would have done it himself, and without malice. Killed without malice—that doesn’t make sense in any of the languages of Terra. But it made sense to me.

Miellyn had finished her brief recitation and was drowsing, her head pillowed on the table. The reddish light was growing, and I realized that I was waiting for dawn as, days ago, I had waited for sunset in Shainsa, with every nerve stretched to the breaking point. It was dawn of the third morning, and this bird lying on the table before me must fly or, far away in the Kharsa, another would fly at Juli.

I said, “There’s some distance limitation on this one, I understand, since I have to be fairly near its object. If I lock it in a steel box and drop it in the desert, I’ll guarantee it won’t bother anybody. I don’t suppose you’d have a shot at stealing the other one for me?”

She raised her head, eyes flashing. “Why should you worry about Rakhal’s wife?” she flared, and for no good reason it occurred to me that she was jealous. “I might have known Evarin wouldn’t shoot in the dark! Rakhal’s wife, that Earthwoman, what do you care for her?”

It seemed important to set her straight. I explained that Juli was my sister, and saw a little of the tension fade from her face, but not all. Remembering the custom of the Dry-towns, I was not wholly surprised when she added, jealously, “When I heard of your feud, I guessed it was over that woman!”

“But not in the way you think,” I said. Juli had been part of it, certainly. Even then I had not wanted her to turn her back on her world, but if Rakhal had remained with Terra, I would have accepted his marriage to Juli. Accepted it. I’d have rejoiced. God knows we had been closer than brothers, those years in the Dry-towns. And then, before Miellyn’s flashing eyes, I suddenly faced my secret hate, my secret fear. No, the quarrel had not been all Rakhal’s doing.

He had not turned his back, unexplained on Terra. In some unrecognized fashion, I had done my best to drive him away. And when he had gone, I had banished a part of myself as well, and thought I could end the struggle by saying it didn’t exist. And now, facing what I had done to all of us, I knew that my revenge—so long sought, so dearly cherished—must be abandoned.

“We still have to deal with the bird,” I said. “It’s a gamble, with all the cards wild.” I could dismantle it, and trust to luck that Wolf illogic didn’t include a tamper mechanism. But that didn’t seem worth the risk.

“First I’ve got to
find
Rakhal. If I set the bird free and it killed him, it wouldn’t settle anything.” For I could not kill Rakhal. Not, now, because I knew life would be a worse punishment than death. But because—I knew it, now—if Rakhal died, Juli would die, too. And if I killed him I’d be killing the best part of myself. Somehow Rakhal and I must strike a balance between our two worlds, and try to build a new one from them.

“And I can’t sit here and talk any longer. I haven’t time to take you—” I stopped, remembering the spaceport cafe at the edge of the Kharsa. There was a street-shrine, or matter transmitter, right there, across the street from the Terran HQ. All these years.…

“You know your way in the transmitters. You can go there in a second or two.” She could warn Juli, tell Magnusson. But when I suggested this, giving her a password that would take her straight to the top, she turned white. “All jumps have to be made through the Mastershrine.”

I stopped and thought about that.

“Where is Evarin likely to be, right now?”

She gave a nervous shudder. “He’s everywhere!”

“Rubbish! He’s not omniscient! Why, you little fool, he didn’t even recognize me. He thought I was Rakhal!” I wasn’t too sure, myself, but Miellyn needed reassurance. “Or take
me
to the Mastershrine. I can find Rakhal in that scanning device of Evarin’s.” I saw refusal in her face and pushed on, “If Evarin’s there, I’ll prove he’s fallible enough with a skean in his throat! And here”—I thrust the Toy into her hand—“hang on to this, will you?”

She put it matter-of-factly into her draperies. “I don’t mind that. But to the shrine—” Her voice quivered, and I stood up and pushed at the table.

“Let’s get going. Where’s the nearest street-shrine?”

“No, no! Oh, I don’t dare!”

“You’ve got to.” I saw the
chak
who owned the place edging round the door again and said, “There’s no use arguing, Miellyn.” When she had readjusted her robes a little while ago, she had pinned them so that the flat sprawl of the Nebran embroideries was over her breasts. I put a finger against them, not in a sensuous gesture, and said, “The minute they see these, they’ll throw us out of here, too.”

“If you knew what I know of Nebran, you wouldn’t
want
me to go near the Mastershrine again!” There was that faint coquettishness in her sidewise smile.

And suddenly I realized that I didn’t want her to. But she was not Dallisa and she could not sit in cold dignity while her world fell into ruin. Miellyn must fight for the one she wanted.

And then some of that primitive male hostility which lives in every man came to the surface, and I gripped her arm until she whimpered. Then I said, in the Shainsan which still comes to my tongue when moved or angry, “Damn it, you’re
going
. Have you forgotten that if it weren’t for me you’d have been torn to pieces by that raving mob, or something worse?”

That did it. She pulled away and I saw again, beneath the veneer of petulant coquetry, that fierce and untamable insolence of the Dry-towner. The more fierce and arrogant, in this girl, because she had burst her fettered hands free and shaken off the ruin of the past.

I was seized with a wildly inappropriate desire to seize her, crush her in my arms, taste the red honey of that teasing mouth. The effort of mastering the impulse made me rough.

I shoved at her and said, “Come on. Let’s get there before Evarin does.”