Sense of Wonder: A Century of Science Fiction (632 page)

“I’ll do it, too,” said Detbar. “And I ain’t taking you with me, you motherfucker.”

“But he got out,” I said, confused. “Hemphill, I mean.”

“Yeah, but all of a sudden,” said Floyd. “He
thought
he was doing ten years.”

“Why all of a sudden?” I said. “What happened?”

“Somebody gave him a deal. They had a job for him. Let him out if he did it.”

“Yeah, but that just made him sorrier,” said Billy. “He was one screwed-up cat.”

“He was okay,” said Floyd. “He just had to tough it out. Like Marra here.”

It was as disconcerting to hear him use the last name as though it had nothing to do with him as it was to be linked again and again with Carl. The dead grown-up would-be assassin, and the lost child friend. It drew me out of my little investigation, and back to my own concerns.

I couldn’t keep from trying again. “Floyd?” What I wanted was so absurdly simple.

“Uh?”

“I want to talk to you about Doris Thayer,” I said. I wasn’t going to use the word
mom
again soon.

“Tell me about her again.”

“She was my mother, Floyd.”

“I felt that way about her too,” said Floyd. “Like a mother. She really was something.” He wasn’t being funny this time. His tone was introspective. It meant something to him, just not what I wanted it to mean.

“She was really my mother, Floyd. And you’re my father.”

“I’m nobody’s father, Marra. What do I look like?”

That wasn’t a question I wanted to answer. I’d learned that I didn’t even want to watch his one eye blink, his lips work to form words. I always turned slightly away. If I concentrated on his voice he seemed more human, more real.

“Come on, Marra, tell me what you see,” said Floyd.

I realized the face of the brick was creeping into my patched-together scraps of memory. For years I’d tried to imagine him in the house, to play back some buried images of him visiting, or with Doris. Now when I tried I saw the empty socket, the flattened skull, the hideous naked stone.

I swallowed hard, gathering my nerve, and pressed on. “How long ago did you come here?”

“Been a million years.”

“Million years ago the dogshit bird ruled the earth,” said John Jones. “Crawled outta the water, all over the place. It’s
evolutionary.”

“Like another life to me,” said Floyd, ignoring him. His voice contained an element of yearning. I told myself I was getting somewhere.

“Okay,” I said. “But in that other life, could you have been somebody’s father?”

A shadow fell across the floor of my cell. I looked up. Lonely Boy was leaning against the bars, hanging there with his arms up, his big fingers inside and in the light, the rest of him in darkness.

“Looking for daddy?” he said.

* * * *

The next day I told Graham I wanted another meeting. The man who never introduced himself was ready later that afternoon. I was getting the feeling he had a lot of time on his hands.

His expression was boredom concealing disquiet, or else the reverse. “Talk,” he said.

“Floyd doesn’t really know anything. He’s never even heard of the assassination attempt. I can’t even get him to focus on that.”

“That’s hard to believe, under the circumstances.”

“Well, start believing. You have to understand, Floyd doesn’t think about things that aren’t right in front of him anymore. His world is—small. Immediate.” Suddenly I felt that I was betraying my father, describing him like an autistic child, when what I meant was,
He’s been built into a wall and he doesn’t even know who I am.

It didn’t seem right that I should have to explain it to the men responsible. But the man behind the desk still inspired in me a queasy mixture of defiance and servility. All I said was, “I think I might have something for you anyway.”

“Ah,” he said. “Please.”

I was going to tell him that he was right, there had been a conspiracy, and that Carl had been recruited from inside. An insipid fantasy ran in my mind, that he would jump up and clap me on my back, tell me I’d cracked the case, deputize me, free me. But as I opened my mouth to speak the man across the desk leaned forward, somehow too pleased already, and I stopped. I thought involuntarily: What I’m about to tell him, he knows. And I didn’t speak.

I have often wondered if I saved my own life in that moment. The irony is that I nearly threw it away in the next. Or rather, caused it to be thrown.

“Yes?” he said. “You were going to say?”

“Floyd remembered Carl talking about some—group,” I said, inventing. “Some kind of underground organization.”

He raised his eyebrows at this. It was not what he was expecting. It seemed to take him a moment to find his voice. “Tell me about this—organization.”

“They’re called the Horseshoe Crabs,” I said. “I don’t really know more than that. Floyd just isn’t interested in politics, I guess. But anyway, that should be enough to get you started.”

“The Horseshoe Crabs.”

“Yes.”

“An
in-prison
underground?”

“No,” I said quickly. “Something from before.” I was a miserable liar.

I must have been looking at the floor. I didn’t even see him leave his seat and come around the desk, let alone spot the fury accumulating in his voice or expression. He was just suddenly on me, my collar in his hand, his face an inch from mine. “You’re fucking with me, Nick,” he said.

“No.”

“I can tell. You think I can’t tell when I’m being fucked by an
amateur?”
He shoved me to the floor. I knocked over a trash basket as I fell. I looked at Graham. He just stood impassively watching, a foot away but clearly beyond appeal.

“What are the Horseshoe Crabs?” said the man. “Is Floyd a Horseshoe Crab?”

“He just said the name, that Carl used it. That’s all I know.”

“Stand up.”

I got to my feet, but my knees were trembling. Rightly, since he immediately knocked me to the floor again.

Then Graham spoke. “Not here.”

“Fine,” said the man, through gritted teeth. “Upstairs.”

They took me in an elevator up to the top floor, hustling me ahead of them roughly, making a point now. As they ran me through corridors, Graham pushing ahead and opening gates, living inmates jeered maliciously from their cells. They made a kind of wall themselves, fixed in place and useless to me as I went by. Graham unlocked the last door and we went up a stairway to the roof and burst out into the astonishing light of the sky. It was white, grey really, but absolutely blank and endless. It was the first sky I’d seen in two weeks. I thought of how Floyd hadn’t seen it in thirteen years, but I was too scared to be outraged for him.

“Grab him,” the man said to Graham. “Don’t let him do it himself.”

The roof was a worksite; they were always adding another level, stacking newly hardened bricks to form another floor. The workers were the first-timers, the still-soft. But there was nobody here now, just the disarray of discontinued work. A heap of thin steel dowels, waiting to be run through the stilled bodies, plastic barrels of solvent for fusing their side surfaces together into a wall. In the middle of the roof was a pallet of new human bricks, maybe twenty-five or thirty of them, under a battened-down tarp. In the roar of the wind I could still just make out the sound of their keening.

Graham and the man from behind the desk took me by my arms and walked me to the nearest edge. Crossing that open distance made me know again how huge the prison was. I kept my head down, protecting my ears from the cold whistle of the wind and my eyes from the empty sky.

The new story was two bricks high at the edge we reached. The glossy top side of the bricks had been grooved and torn with metal rasps, so the solvent would take. Graham held me by my arms and bent me over the short wall, just as Lonely Boy and the others had bent me over the toilet.

“Take a look,” said the man.

“Looks like rain to me,” said one of the nearby bricks chattily.

My view was split by a false horizon: the dark mass of the sheer face of the prison receding earthward below the dividing line, the empty acres of concrete and broken glass above. From the thirty-two-story height the ground sparkled like the sea viewed from an airplane.

Graham jammed me harder against the rough top of the bricks, and tilted me further towards the edge. I grunted, and watched a glob of my own drool tumble into the void.

“I hate to be fucked with,” said the man. “I don’t have time for that.”

I made a sound that wasn’t a word.

“Maybe we’ll chop your father out of the wall and throw you both off,” said the man. “See which hits the ground first.”

I managed to think how odd it was to threaten a man in prison with the open air, the ultimate freedom. It was the reverse of the hole, all space and light. But it served their purposes just as well. Something I reflected on later was that just about anything could be turned to serve purposes like these.

“What are the Horseshoe Crabs?” he said.

I’d already forgotten how this all resulted from my idiotic gambit. “There are no Horseshoe Crabs,” I gasped.

“You’re lying to me.”

“No.”

“Throw him over, Graham.”

Graham pressed me disastrous inches closer. My shirt and some of the skin underneath caught on the shredded upper surface of the wall.

“You’re not telling me why I should spare you,” said the man.

“What?” I said, gulping at the cold wind.

“You’re not telling me why I should spare you.”

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know,” I said.

122 Jonathan Lethem

Graham pulled me back.

“Are you lying to me again?” said the man.

“No. Let me talk to Floyd. I’ll find out whatever you want.”

“I want to know about the Horseshoe Crabs.”

“Yes.”

“I want to know anything he knows. You’re my listening device, direct from him to me. I don’t want any more noise in the signal. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

“Take him back, Graham. I’m going to have a cigarette.”

* * * *

Graham took me to my cell. I climbed into the top bunk and lay still until my trembling faded.

“The kid’s getting ready to make his move,” said Ivan Detbar.

“You think so?” said Floyd.

It was dinner hour. Inmates were shambling through the corridor towards Mess Nine.

My thoughts were black, but I had a small idea.

It seemed to me that one of my problems might solve the other. The way Graham had said “not here” to the man behind the desk made me think that the man’s influence might not extend very far within the prison, however extensive and malignant it was in the world at large. I had never seen him command anyone besides Graham. Graham was in charge of my block, but the trip upstairs had made me remember the immensity of the prison.

My idea was simple, but it required physical bravery, not my specialty to this point. The cafeteria was the right place for it. With so many others at hand I might survive.

“Floyd,” I said.

“Yeah?”

“What if you weren’t going to see me anymore? Would that change anything?”

“What are you getting at?”

“Anything you’d want to say?”

“Take care, nice knowing ya,” he said.

“How about ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do’?” said Billy Lancing.

Floyd and Billy laughed at that. I let them laugh. When they were done I said, “One last question, Floyd.”

“Shoot.”

I’d thought I was losing interest, growing numb. I guess in the longer term I was. But I was still pressing him. “Did you know your father?”

“You’re asking me—what? My old man?” Floyd’s eye rolled, like he thought his father had appeared somewhere in the cell.

“You knew him?”

“If I could get my hands around the neck of that son of a bitch—”

“You talk big, Floyd,” said Ivan. “What about when you had your chance?”

“Fuck you,” said Floyd. “I was a kid. I barely knew that motherfucker.”

“The Motherfuck Dog,” said John Jones. “He lives under the house—”

The tears were on my face again, and without choosing to do it I was beating my fist against the wall, against Floyd’s petrified body. Once, twice, then it was too painful to go on. And I don’t think he noticed.

I got down from the bunk. I had another place for the fury to go, a place where it might have a use. I only had to get myself to that place before I thought twice.

Dinner was meatballs and mashed potatoes covered with steaming greyish gravy. I took two cups of black coffee aboard my tray as well. I turned out of the food line and located Lonely Boy, sitting with his seconds at a table on the far side of the crowded room. Before I could think again, I headed for them.

“Hey, lonely boy, you want to sit?”

I flung the tray so it spilled on all three of them. I was counting on that to slow the other two; all my attention would be on Lonely Boy. I knew I’d lose any fight that was a contest of strategy or guile, lose it badly, that my only chance was blind, instantaneous rage. So I went in with my hands instead of picking up a fork or some other weapon. For my plan to work, Lonely Boy had to live. With what I knew was in me to unleash, his life seemed as much at risk as mine.