Settling Up (14 page)

I
pushed
my way into Betsy’s house when she opened the door.

“Holy crap, Bets. Code 95. Threat level: the Sun.” I swiped at my sweaty forehead with the back of my hand and turned to meet my sister’s most-likely-confused gaze. Yep, her eyes narrowed at me and she opened her hands in a “go on” way.

Shoving some laundry aside on the couch, I sat down and tried not to smile as I looked up at her and said, “I’m in love with Mack.”

She slapped my arm and sat next to me. “Finally! Mother of all things ridiculous, Laur. You had me going insane over here, wondering if you’d ever figure it out.”

I scoffed. “You knew?”

She gave me her “seriously?” face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“Yeah, because telling you things you don’t want to hear has gone over
so
well in the past.” Sarcasm dripped from my sister’s words.

“Okay.” I conceded. “I get it. What do I do now? Do you think he knows?” I gasped. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” My mind replayed all those times that he’d talked about his type, how different I was from Tess, and how he’d seemed just as blissfully happy being friends as I was.

Betsy shrugged. “I’m not going to lie to you. He might not feel the same, but is that going to stop you from telling him?”

I cringed, not wanting to admit that it might.

“Actually, on second thought, first you need to break up with Adrian.”

“Did that already.” I nodded. “I thought he was going to say he loved me this morning and freaked out. That’s when I realized I didn’t want to be with him. It’s also when I realized that I
wanted
to be with Mack.” I slumped back into Betsy’s couch. “I miss him.”

When I looked over at my sister, she was wearing a smile almost as big as she’d worn the days she gave birth to each of the girls or the day she’d married Josh. It was the smile she seemed to reserve for her most special days. The fact that it was here, on her face, brought on by seeing me happy made me sit up and wrap her into the biggest big-sister hug.

“That’s what love feels like, Laur. You found it.” She pulled away, leaving her hands on my shoulders as she watched my face. “I’m so happy for you.” Then her face darkened, her forehead wrinkling. “But I will kick your statistics-loving butt if you don’t get out of my house and go find him right now and tell him what you just told me.”

A smile peeled across my face and I nodded (because my sister probably really could kick my butt). However, once I was standing and heading toward the front door, the fear of telling Mack and having him not return my feelings overtook that of my little sister’s butt-kicking abilities.

I chewed on my lip. “It is Sunday. Maybe I should wait for —“

“Nope. Now. Get out. Do it. I will follow you if I have to, dammit!” Betsy shoved me out the door and cocked an eyebrow at me, daring me to back out.

I crossed my arms over my chest, but finally said, “Alright. I’m going.”

“I’ll expect a full report. Love you.” She smiled sweetly and slammed the door in my face.

Starting my car, I sat in the driveway until I’d exhausted all the digits of Pi I’d memorized. My heart rate slowed and I pulled in a few deep breaths before backing out and heading toward Mack’s place. On the way, I practiced what I might say.

“Hi, Mack. I know it’s been a few weeks, but I decided I love you.”

Nope. Not that.

“Mack, you’re my best friend first and foremost, but I was just wondering if you wanted to make out and possibly spend the rest of our lives together?”

Ick. Absolutely not.

“You were right all a long, Mack. A relationship shouldn’t feel like settling down. And that’s exactly what I felt with Adrian. I want an adventure, I want someone different than me, someone who compliments me. I want you.”

Okay. This wasn’t working. I shook my head, hoping to rid it of the more terrible ideas rolling around in there. I tried thinking of more, but before I knew it, I pulled up to Mack’s apartment complex and sat in my cooling car, wondering how I would get the motivation to move as the engine pinged in the noonday sun.

Eventually I found it in me to move. Just one step at a time. That’s how I got up his stairs and how I knocked (probably too quietly at first) on his door. My heart felt like it had divided into a billion tiny, but still insanely loud hearts and that they had moved into my eyelids, ears, fingertips, knees.

I tried to swallow, but seemed to have forgotten how. I tried to smile, but could feel that it was coming off much creepier than I was hoping for.

I knocked again, much louder this time. Then I waited. I think it should go on record somewhere that I waited for seven whole minutes and knocked a heck of a lot of times before giving up and heading back to my car, my head hanging low, the adrenaline of the moment spent, pushing me into a depressed curiosity.

Where was he? It was Sunday, but he didn’t normally work on Sundays. I suppose he didn’t work at the casino anymore, so I couldn’t go there. Maybe the bar. I nodded resolutely and drove to The Treehouse, a small bar close to the waterfront in downtown where he worked a few nights a week.

Nope. Not there either.

I sat in the parking lot, deflated. If he’d gotten another job, I had no idea where. I pulled my phone out, not really wanting to do any part of this over the phone, but unable to think of any other ideas. Fingers trembling, I dialed Mack’s number.

My heart pulsed in my ears as I waited for it to ring, but it didn’t even get that far. Mack’s voice clicked on right away. His voicemail. Crap. His phone must be turned off. Or he’d blocked me. I didn’t want to think too hard on the latter. I drummed my fingers on the back of my phone case as I thought. Remembering that Bets wanted an update, I was about to ring her when a light bulb clicked on. Sister.

Jess!

If anyone knew where that man was, it would be his sister.

I tried to keep my driving on the not-so-maniacal side, but it was tough to do when the excitement and prospect of making some sort of headway felt oh-so-close.

I screeched to a halt in front of Jess and Ryan’s slate gray little house, almost forgetting to turn off the ignition before jumping out, skip-jumping up her walkway, and knocking (hopefully not too intensely) on her dark blue door, complete with a lavender wreath.

Footsteps pounded on the hardwood floors as someone approached. A second later, Jess’s bright, rosy-cheeked face was looking back at me. And even though I knew there was a sadness in her features, Mack having surely filled his sis in on our parting ways and how it’d been my doing, I couldn’t help the warmth and happiness her face brought me. Her features were so like Mack’s. My chest ached. Gosh I missed him.

“Jess. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I pushed Mack away because I thought this other guy was perfect for me, when really it was him, it was Mack all along. And now I can’t find him anywhere and he won’t answer his phone and I didn’t know where else to go and…” I petered out as Jess laid a hand on my arm, calming my beating heart and stopping the constant stream of words barfing out of my mouth.

She blinked and smiled. “I knew it.” Her fingers clenched down on my forearm. “I knew you loved him. What the heck took you so long?”

My heart clenched tight. “I didn’t want to lose him as a friend and I thought he was still in love with Tess. It scared me. I didn’t want to get involved with someone who didn’t love me one-hundred percent.”

Jessica pulled in a deep breath.

“But I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I can’t have his whole heart. I just need to be with him.” I spat out that last part, hoping she didn’t think I would give up on him. He couldn’t take any more people leaving him, on purpose or not.

“Lauren.” Jess looked me hard in the eye. “I loved Tess, so did Mack. But she wasn’t this perfect person you’ve made her out to be. She was great, but she had her flaws. Mack is well aware of them, but of course he doesn’t bring them up, out of respect. They got married young and didn’t have quite as much in common as they thought. Mack’s more in love with Tess now than he was when they were together. Don’t get me wrong, he was happy with her, but I’ve never seen him look at anyone, even Tess, the way I see him look at you. Please believe me that he is different with you, the best version of him I’ve ever seen.” She placed a hand on my arm and squeezed tight.

I blinked. Was that true? I suppose that made sense. Bets had brought that up before, too. Why would he talk badly about her? Of course he would only bring up the good. My mind flashed back to that time he’d told me that no one was perfect outside the restaurant. Maybe that had been what he was trying to tell me.

As much as I was happy at what Jessica had said, what her face did next made my overactive heart drop to my knees.

“Though…” Her face fell, she shook her head. “He’s not in town. He left for some climbing trip.” She shifted her weight from foot to foot.

“With the climbing group? Oh, do you know how long they’re going to be gone?”

Jessica’s hand, which was still clamped tight around my arm, squeezed once more. “No, Lauren. He said he was going up to Leavenworth with some girl named Carol. They’ve been climbing together a lot in the past few weeks and…” She bit her lip.

I knew what she didn’t want to finish. “And they went on a climbing trip together because he’s with Carol because you were too stupid and let him go.”

I nodded, understanding. It was my turn to put a hand on Jessica’s arm and to tell her it was okay, I would be fine, I got it. Her big blue eyes almost seemed to wince as she watched me back away.

“Thanks.” The word felt small and stupid, but there it was. Just like me. There I was, right where I had gotten myself. Into a world where I didn’t want Adrian and I had lost Mack. The very worst part of it, though, was the fact that I’d given up my best friend in the first place.

I deserved to be alone.

A
fter a deal
more pouting than I’d like to admit to, a full container of Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (because it has a caramel core, come on), and a box of tissues. I felt a little bit less like a disaster.

Betsy patted me on the thigh and popped in another DVD, one of our favorites,
An Affair to Remember
. I pulled out a new box of tissues, knowing we’d need it for this one. (Who am I kidding? It was mostly me. I was the one who needed it.)

I loved Bets for dropping everything, coming over with movies and ice cream, and never once rubbing it in my face that she knew best all along and that if I would freaking listen to the people around me instead of my broken still-can’t-figure-out-human-emotions brain, that I wouldn’t be in this pit of despair. Oh, The Pit of Despair.

“Hey, maybe we should watch
The Princess Bride
next.” I suggested.

“Anything you want.” Betsy nodded.

We snuggled into the couch under blankets and watched and sniffled (and some of us bawled a little/lot), especially during the part where Terry can’t make it to meet Nickie because she gets hit by a car and you just know they should be together, but the world is keeping them apart.

Betsy blew her nose and shoved me. “Are you sure your story isn’t like this? What if this is all a misunderstanding?”

I shook my head. “Thanks for trying, Bets, but mine is not a film-worthy love story, just a cautionary tale to tell your daughters about a stupid woman who couldn’t see what was right in front of her for months until she pushed it away, into Carol’s tightly toned rock-climbing arms and bouncy blond hair.” I shook my head.

Betsy sighed and laid her head on my shoulder as we watched Terry and Nickie finally get together despite all the things pushing against them, the kind of ending that only happened in the movies.

I
woke with a start
. A tissue stuck to my cheek followed me as I popped up and looked around my living room, blinking. I peeled the tissue off, cringing as it ripped away, having dried there at some point in the night. My head pounded as I looked down at the cocoon I’d nestled myself into on my couch.

A note from Betsy was in the place she’d sat last night.

Hey sweets, had to run home to relieve Josh so he could head into work. Come over when you get up. Take a few days off of work, too. Make those TAs work a little for all of that cash they’re getting. ;)

I smiled. Betsy knew as well as I did that TAs didn’t get paid nearly enough (though the tuition waiver they got was pretty hefty), which is why I tried not to take advantage of them, but she was right. They
were
always begging me to let them do more, plus, they had both recently turned in huge projects in their graduate course-work and I knew they weren’t too slammed at the moment.

I called both of them, and amid the excited squealing, gave them instructions for the next few days. What the heck? I rarely took time off.

I sat back, closing my eyes, and tried to clear my head of the loud-ringing thoughts of disappointment and broken-heartedness that had been nesting in there since the day before.

I didn’t really feel like watching another movie, having exhausted many of my favorites yesterday with Bets and also because the whole movie-watching experience only helped to remind me of my times sitting snuggled up on the couch with Mack.

My bottom teeth raked across my top lip as I thought, or tried not to think. Suddenly, I got an idea. I hadn’t played real Blackjack, at the casino, in a good while. Plus, Rachel should be back. Maybe a few games would help me forget some of this sadness, at least for a little bit.

I nodded, standing and immediately groaning at the disheveled mess I was in. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, but I sure didn’t want to frighten anyone away. I jumped in the shower and put on some acceptable clothing before heading out into society.

Rachel’s smiling face met me as I entered. I had missed her; it was good to see her again.

“Why hey there!” She waved. “I thought you’d just about fallen off the face of the earth.” She smiled as I scooted into a seat across from her. “I was about to call you again.”

I shook my head. “Work’s been crazy. Sorry. I meant to call you back. How’s your mom doing?”

From there, Rachel and I settled back into our normal routine, chatting and playing hands. Almost like Mack and I had grown to do. Almost.

“So are there any guys in your life right now?” Rachel asked at one point.

I shrugged. “There are guys. One in particular. But he’s not really in my life.” I tried to hold back the tears from starting back up, not knowing when they might stop.

“Hmmm…” Rachel tipped her head to the side. “Well that sounds like a story if I’ve ever heard one.”

So I told her. All of it. Even the part where I pushed him away.

“You see, so I have absolutely no one to blame but myself.” I shook my head, meeting Rachel’s gaze.

Her face was scrunched together and leaking attitude. “Uh uh, honey. You don’t give up there. I don’t care how strong this Carol chick’s arms are or how bouncy her hair. You fight for your man.” She swatted toward me. “You get out of here right now. Go find him.”

I scrunched up my nose. “He’s off in the forest. I don’t know how to find him. My parents never put me in Girl Scouts. I have no idea how track anyone.”

Rachel put a hand on her hip. “Love is your compass, dear. You go find that man and tell him you love him more than those silly numbers you care so much about.” She shooed me away more fervently this time.

I grabbed my stuff and stood there for a second in the middle of the card room, clutching my chips while my mind clutched tighter and tighter to Rachel’s words. I hadn’t fought for Mack at all when Adrian had asked me to stop seeing him, and I regretted the crap out of that. If I was going to go down this time, at least I would go down with a fight.

I nodded. Cashed in my chips and headed out to my car.

I
left
the large Seattle REI store a few hours later with a backpack, provisions, and a mild idea of where Mack might be after having called Darrin, the leader of the climbing group, and asking him about popular Leavenworth climbing spots.

My new, rugged hiking shoes crunched on the gravel pieces strewn about the parking lot from the decorative paths criss-crossing underneath and around the REI building. My car was filled with gas, I had all the supplies I would (hopefully) need, and I was going to find Mack. That man would know I loved him if it killed me (oh gosh, did I hope it didn’t come to that).

The fiery optimism I felt lasted the hour or so drive north and over the pass toward the small Bavarian-themed mountain town of Leavenworth. I found a hotel to stay at and made sure Betsy knew where I was and how many days to wait until calling the good folks at Search and Rescue to come find me. Darrin had been almost positive that they would’ve gone to Icicle Canyon at this time of year to someplace called the Forestlands, so that’s where I went, parking at the nearest trailhead, a giddy smile on my face as I recognized Mack’s gun metal truck parked among three others.

I wanted to kiss that Darrin. He’d been exactly right. His warning of, “They’ll be off the trail, though, so be careful when you step off the path” rang in my ears as I parked, hung my special I-am-allowed-to-be-out-in-the-wilderness pass off my rear view mirror, and locked up. There was a jaunt to my step as I got started on the trail.

As prepared as I sounded, you might be surprised to know that after about a half hour, I realized how naive I’d been in it all. I looked around myself at the expanse of land surrounding small little me. The sun was beating down on my face, but there was also a biting chill to the wind every once in a while that made me rub my hands up and down my arms and thank the REI people for outfitting me with a new down jacket “just in case”.

Despite the few cars in the trailhead parking lot, I had yet to see a soul. And finding Mack began to feel less and less doable. Sure, he’d parked at the trailhead, but from my research on the area I knew that we were in the middle of a giant mountain range full of completely untamed, totally wild woods and craggy outcroppings of rocks. I also knew that there were many canyons, rivers, and cliffs littered throughout this place, which made straying off the trail even more scary.

Suddenly, Rachel’s, “love is your compass” line felt way less inspirational and a whole lot more like a silly motivational saying that I probably shouldn’t have taken so literally. My heart beat loudly in my chest, making the trees and mountains and rocks around me seem to spin. I snapped my eyes shut and breathed in and out deliberately. This was going to be fine. I was in the right spot. I just needed to look for a rock that looked like Mack would want to climb it and go in that direction.

When I peeled open my eyes, I focused them up at the mountains surrounding me. I knew at least, from having gone climbing with Mack that he preferred smaller “bouldering” to large scale climbs where you had to strap in and do something called “belaying”, so I could rule out any of the full on mountains, which was good since they were everywhere and far away from my trail. Therefore, I focused on looking through the trees to see if there were rocky boulders visible as I walked.

After about an hour I found such a place. It took me a good few seconds and some super-intense mind talk before I could convince myself to step off the trail and wander up into the rocky hills.

I had read
The Hobbit
way too many times as a kid and had always slapped my hand on my forehead in frustration when I’d gotten to the part where Bilbo and the dwarves leave the forest trail in the depths of Mirkwood after Gandalf’s repeated warnings to “not stray from the path”. I gulped and hoped I would meet a better fate in the face of my disobedience. I, after all, was on a quest for love.

And it felt like it, a quest that is, as I trudged up hill now, without the luxury of a path. It seemed that all the spiders in the land chose to heed the opposite of Gandalf’s warnings, staying off the path almost exclusively, and I ran into a web or felt something crawling on me (ick) every few feet. After I think my fiftieth web, I found a discarded pair of small fir branches which I flicked in front of myself as I walked.

I probably looked insane, but at least I was spider free, for the most part.

As I climbed and got closer to the boulders I’d spotted through the trees, my stomach began to sink. I didn’t see anyone, Mack or otherwise, climbing them. Nor did I hear the voices of people (remember, unfortunately, that Carol was with him). This there’s-no-one-here fact was confirmed as I reached the empty outcropping.

I sighed, forehead wrinkled in frustration (and sweaty as heck, too) as I turned around and looked back toward where I came from, toward the path. I don’t know what I had been expecting to see, maybe a bright arrow pointing me toward the trail, or possibly even a definite cut in the trees where I would be sure the path was, but there was none of that. No signs of the trail at all.

As sure as I was what general direction it was in, I also remembered how much I’d zigged and zagged on my way up here (plus finding the branches had taken me off into a different direction for a while), which meant that it wasn’t going to be as easy as walking in a straight line back to the safety of a cleared path.

I sat down, pack and all, the mountains feeling all-too-like super judge-y onlookers, and felt the weight of everything crash down on me like a terribly huge boulder.

What had I gotten myself into?