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Authors: Darrel Ray

Tags: #Psychology, #Human Sexuality, #Religion, #Atheism, #Christianity, #General, #Sexuality & Gender Studies

Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality

Sex & God

How Religion

Distorts Sexuality

Darrel W. Ray, Ed.D.

IPC Press
Bonner Springs, Kansas

 

Copyright © 2012 by Darrel W. Ray. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the copyright holder, except brief quotations used in a review.

Editors: Deborah Shouse, Kirsten McBride

Ray, Darrel W.

Sex & God How Religion Distorts Sexuality

by Darrel W. Ray.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

LCCN 2011961234

ISBN-13: 978-0-9709505-4-3

ISBN-10: 0-9709505-4-3

Published by

IPC Press

15699 Kansas Avenue

Bonner Springs, Kansas 66012

Visit
www.ipcpress.com
for additional information.

Published 2012

Printed in the United States of America

 

 

 

 

 

Dedicated to

Julie

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I want to thank many friends who supported me during this intense process. First, Julie my love and partner who was involved every step, supporting and reading many of the early versions. My friend and travel companion Judy Roepke, who, for the second time in as many books, spent our European vacation time reading and critiquing a very rough draft. Thanks to Missy Andeel for her insights and critique of the manuscript. Some of her suggestions led me to change or refine several ideas.

Putting together this project required several special people that I have come to trust and rely on over my last three book projects. A big thank you to my editors, Deborah Shouse and to Kirsten McBride. Deborah also served as my psychologist and counselor during the most difficult parts of the writing. Kirsten’s tough approach to editing kept me on the straight and narrow when I wanted to wander. Neither of them have any idea how many arguments I have had with them (in my mind) and they win almost all of them. Thanks to Micki Lubbers for her contributions to the final proofs.

Thanks to Shayne Schuldt whose ideas and support make him much more than a designer in this process. And to Adam Brown whose cover ideas made the design process easy. Finally, thanks to Amanda Brown for her help in the Sex and Secularism research in
Chapter 16
and to Donald Wright for his help on
Chapter 15
and Dr. Richard Carrier for his review and feedback on
Chapter 4
.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

My Journey

Finding the Juicy Stuff

Viewpoint

Organization of the Book

Who Will Benefit from Reading This Book

Section I: Religion in Perspective

Chapter 1: Religious Foreplay

Anna and Joe

Choices

Living a Lie

Toxic Trio

Religious Sexual Terrorism: Fear Is the Foreplay

A Thought Experiment: Unbuttoning Religion

Buttons in Your Life

Sex and Pushing Buttons

Chapter 2: You Can Take Religion out of Sex,
But You Can’t Take Sex out of Religion

Putting the “Fun” Back in “Fundamental”

Our Limited Sexual Maps

Religious Maps

Don’t Defile Yourself (or you will go blind)

Sexual Restriction

Chapter 3: Screwing With Religious Myths

Common Myths

Myth: Christians are Monogamous

Myth: Jesus Makes Marriage Better

Chapter 4: Did Jesus Masturbate? and Other Interesting Thoughts

Jesus: Married, Non-Existent, Female or Closeted Gay?

What Happened to the Women and Children?

Inconvenient Women and Children

Rewriting History

Christian Asexuality

Mary Was a Virgin

Masturbation: The Single-Handed Sin

Why Are Jews Monogamous?

Why Are Christians Monogamous?

Chapter 5: The Shame of It All

Shame vs. Guilt

Shame and the Family

Islam, the Shame Religion

Male Shame

Shame and Modern Cults

Conclusion

Chapter 6: Mind Police and Thought Control

Religious Police

The Guilt Cycle, or the Police Officer in Your Head

Sex and Guilt

Women, the Guilty Sex

How Guilt Disrupts Sexual Communication

The Urge for Variety

Thought Police

Religious Dams

Chapter 7: Conspiracy of Silence: Programming the Collective Mind

Where Is the Outrage?

Institutional Accountability

Childhood Infection

Anesthetization of the Mind

Changing Times

Section II: Follow the Biology

Chapter 8: Holy Biology

The Bible

The Koran

Other Holy Books

Chapter 9: Unholy Biology: Busting the Monogamy Myth

Follow the Biology

Super Duck’s Inflatable Penis

Ms. Wonder Duck Fights Back

Size Matters: The Gorilla

May the Best Sperm Win: The Chimpanzee

The Feminine Mystique: The Bonobo

Humans: The Penis Puzzle

The Sex Partner Mystery

Chapter 10: Mapping Your Sexuality

Your Invisible Map

The Three-Tiered Map

Tier One – Sex in Your Genes

Tier Two: Epigenetics – Your Genes on Drugs

Your Inner Female

Tier Three – Sex in Your Jeans

Learning Social Cues for the Map

Your Brain on Metaphors

Religious Mapping – The Two-Party Brain

Adult Maps

The Effect of Submission

Maps in Conflict

Section III: Follow the Culture

Chapter 11: Sex Before God

Sex Before Buddha, Jesus or Mohammed

Preagricultural or Semiagricultural

The Hadza of Tanzania and the Rift Valley

Mangaians of Polynesia

The Na of China

Religious Dogma and Sex

Chapter 12: Sex and Early Religion

Elimination of Hunter-Gatherer Religion

Religion and Sex in Early Agricultural Civilizations

Sacred Prostitutes and Gay Soldiers: Greek Sex

Don’t Love Your Wife Too Much: Roman Sex

Yin and Yang But Only for Men: Chinese Culture

Where Are the Women?

The Scope of Human Sexuality

Chapter 13: Modern Religions and the Misogyny of God

Double Standards

Western Religious Distortions

The Jewish Distortion

The Christian Distortion

Celibacy

The Muslim Distortion

An Invasive Species

Section IV: The Psychology of Religion and Sex

Chapter 14: The Tools of Distortion

The Rise of Universal Religions

How Religion Uses Disease

Death Neurosis and Sex

Scandalous Breasts: How Religion Sexualizes the Normal

Religion and Physical Marking

Male Circumcision

Female Circumcision, Genital Mutilation

Distorting the Sexual Map

Chapter 15: Don’t Tamper With the Factory!

Sex Education, the Biggest Threat to Religion

Life – A Balancing Act

Distortion of the Catholic Priesthood

Black Protestant Church Distortion

The Fundamentalist Distortion

The Mormon Distortion

Chapter 16: What Happens When You Leave Religion

The Guilt Cycle and Various Denominations

Spanking the Monkey

Early Sexual Experience

Lust in Your Heart

Talk Dirty to Me

Sex After Religion

Residual Effects

Lessons From the Research

Chapter 17: Relationship Cycles

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

Attachment

The Unwritten Rules of Marriage

Satiation: “Not Tonight, Honey; I Have a Headache”

Relationship Cycle

Chapter 18: Mommy, Did You Have Sex Before You Married Daddy?

Children, Parents and Sex

Sex-Negative Messages to Girls

The Power of Oblique Communication

Guilt in Religious Marriage

The Poisoning of Men and Boys

Chapter 19: I Didn’t Raise Her That Way!

Three Sources of Personality Influence

The 50-0-50

Religion and 50-0-50

Chapter 20: Sex on a Leash

Sexual Flexibility

Sociosexual Orientation

Sociosexual Orientation and Religion

Socio-Sexual Orientation and Relationships

Chapter 21: “My Sex Drive Keeps Me From Jesus”

Unfaithful Pastors

Religious Infection and Depression

Dominance and Non-Dominance

Sexual Redirection and Thought Distortion

The Misbehaving Flock

Brainwashing Techniques for Evangelism

Two Steps to Delusion

Consequences for Future Generations

Section V: Program Yourself for a Change

A Framework

Chapter 22: The Jesus Trap

The Jesus Trap Pattern

Bob’s Story

Emotional Blackmail and the Jesus Trap

The Jesus Trap and Raising Children

The Psychology Behind the Jesus Trap

Strategies for Dealing With the Jesus Trap

Chapter 23: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

You are a Walking Conflict

Monogamy Is Not the Default Position

Imprisoned by the Religious Map

Marriage: One Size Does Not Fit All

Rethinking Marriage

Don’t Let the Pope (or Any Clergy) Define Your Relationships

Chapter 24: Jealousy: The Anti-Love Potion

Our Jealous Culture

Learning to Be Jealous

The Decline of Jealousy

Adolescent Jealousy

Jealousy Says More About the Jealous Person

Unpacking Jealousy

Sex Is a Precious Commodity

American Sex

Frubble or Compersion

Chapter 25: What’s The Big Idea?

The Tyranny of the “Shoulds”

The Mating of Souls

Your Cheatin’ Heart – Escaping the Conceptual Prison

It’s Not All About the Sex

Big Idea Number One: Challenge Hidden Assumptions

Big Idea Number Two: Be Honest With Yourself

Big Idea Number Three: You Are Normal

Chapter 26: The End of Religion as We Know It

The Evolving Church

Almost Everyone Is Doing It

Sex, Religion and the Planet

A New
Commandment
Suggestion I Give You

Selected Biblioghraphy

INDEX

About the Author

INTRODUCTION
My Journey

I have been a psychologist for over 35 years. Before I went into psychology, I thought I was destined to be a minister. I went to Scarritt College for Christian Workers for two years, and received a Master’s degree in Church and Community. The result of this religious study convinced me that most religion was self-serving, but I remained a liberal Christian. Over the next 14 years, I helped train ministers, chaplains and other church officials in many protestant denominations and a few Catholic priests and nuns. I also trained army and civilian chaplains. Through my work, I saw layer upon layer of complicity in sexual scandals and financial fraud. The behavior of ministers and priests was clearly no better than the average behavior of their parishioners. I could see little positive effect of religion on behavior. In fact, it seemed that religion often was an excuse for bad behavior. Moreover, financial issues got quick response while sexual behavior was ignored or covered up.

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