Sex in the Title (36 page)

“Meeting new women will just show you how lucky you are to have her,” Heeb explained.

“I can’t, Heeb. Our marriage is already under too much pressure as it is.”

Heeb realized that this tack wasn’t going to work, and decided instead to resort to Carlos’s sympathy.

“There’s another reason I’d like you to join us…I actually came here to tell you that I’ve got a serious medical condition…Permanent damage…I don’t know how it will affect me long-term, but I just wanted you to come out with us a little, while I’m still going out,” Heeb said cryptically.

“What is it? What do you have?” Carlos asked anxiously, his face and voice suddenly full of concern. It sounded to him as if Heeb might be terminally ill or something. But Heeb couldn’t yet get himself to disclose anything about his penis scars; Evan was still the only friend who knew.

“I’ve got halitosis and alopecia,” Heeb said, soberly. It was all he could think of to stall for a moment.

“What’s that?”

“It’s very serious.”

“What is it?”

“Halitosis is bad breath and alopecia is male pattern baldness.”

Carlos shook his head and rolled his eyes. He was both relieved and annoyed.

“Pinchi pendejo!” he exclaimed, cursing Heeb in Spanish. “Don’t scare me like that!”

“All right, I’m sorry. I do have something more serious than that. It’s not life threatening or anything…But I’ve permanently lowered my SQ, even though I used to be sure that it couldn’t get any lower.”

“What happened?”

By the time Heeb had finished recounting the tribulations that he and Evan had endured, Carlos committed himself to joining the posse for up to three nights out per month, for the next few months, and possibly longer, if Heeb was still having trouble meeting women at that point.

******

Until their quarrel, Evan and Narc had enjoyed almost a decade of good times and reliable friendship, despite their considerable differences.

Evan replayed their fight in his head several times, soon after it happened, trying to understand how what started as a casual discussion about work-related discontent deteriorated into something so much worse. Whatever the explanation, he knew that the longer they didn’t speak after such an inconsequential quarrel, the more consequential it could start to seem to them. Thus, Evan tried to make up right away. But when Narc rebuffed him, Evan’s pride prevented him from trying again, although he occasionally still wondered what had happened between them.

After Heeb happily reported that he had persuaded Carlos to join their group, Evan put the posse before his pride and felt emboldened to approach Narc again. As it turned out, reconciling with Narc would prove much easier than he had expected, in part because of the dramatic decisions that Narc was contemplating. Narc was happy to hear from Evan, with whom he hadn’t spoken in about eight months. He suggested that they meet for Sunday brunch at the same Chinatown restaurant where the two had broken the bad news about Charlene to Trevor. The preferred locale suggested to Evan that Narc had some personal things to tell him.

“Thanks for keepin’ it real, yo,” Narc said, as they waited for their food. “You were right to call it like you saw it.”

“Yeah, but I could have used more tact. So I want to apologize for the way it all came out.”

“It’s all good, bro. You were just trying to help me realize that I needed to make some changes in my life.” Narc looked up at the waiter transferring the food to their table.

“You realize that I haven’t had any booty in almost three years?” Narc said, as if he himself could scarcely believe or accept this fact.

“That’s not as bad as my sex life has been, Narc.”

“You haven’t been getting any?”

“Not only that, I’ve got some permanent damage that’s going to make it harder to get some in the future.”

“What do you mean?”

Evan then expounded on the concept of SQ and recounted everything that had happened to him and Sammy. Narc was genuinely shocked and deeply sympathetic, as if his own crown jewels had been attacked twice, in two separate and traumatic incidents. Evan concluded by pitching Narc on the idea of forming a posse.

“I’m totally down with that, bro. We should go upstate for Trevor too. I’m worried about that kid.”

“Yeah, I haven’t spoken to him in ages,” Evan agreed.

The waiter came by to clear their empty plates.

“I haven’t even told you about the big decision that I reached, since we last spoke. And you’re partly responsible for helping me to get there, because I needed someone to bust my chops about my work situation.”

Evan’s face lit up at the news that his former college roommate might finally be doing something to improve his life. “What did you decide?” he asked.

“I’m quitting.”

“Really?”

“Before they fire me.”

“They’re going to fire you?”

“My midyear review is in two weeks and I know they’re going to fire me, so I’m gonna fire them first. Next week.”

Evan assumed correctly that Narc still, on occasion, used drugs recreationally.

“Did they spring a drug test on you or something?”

“No.”

“So why would they fire you?”

“They know I hate my job. The quality of my work shows it. Especially the last few months. And I’ve done some pretty bold things since we last spoke.”

“Like what?”

“You know that asshole partner, Edward, who always talks to me about work while I’m pissing? Well, one time I cut him off and told him that I really just wanted to piss in peace.”

“You didn’t!”

“Oh, it gets much better.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. As you know, my sex life has been nonexistent for so long that I’ve become totally addicted to Internet porn. And since I’m always in the office, which has a great T-3 broadband connection, that’s where I do some of my best surfing.”

“No!” Evan said. “You didn’t!”

Narc nodded mischievously. “Do you know how they found out?”

“The IT guys checked your Internet browsing history?” Evan ventured.

“Yup. I have a friend in the IT department who gave me the heads up that the management committee had requested my browsing history. But what made them ask for it in the first place? I do have my own office, you know, and I always close the door first.”

Evan thought about what might have made the firm suspect that Narc was surfing porn but he couldn’t come up with anything. He shrugged his shoulders.

“One of the documents that I was marking up for Edward had some physical evidence on it…Accidentally of course...”

“No!” Evan couldn’t believe his ears.

“I didn’t realize it. And when I gave Edward the document he asked me what the liquid was. I tried to pretend that I had sneezed. He was in a mad rush to meet a client deadline or he probably would have asked for a new print out. But before he went back to work, he looked down at my pants for a sec with this look of disgust. And as soon as I left his office, I saw that there was some on my pants too.”

“No!”

“Yeah. That’s how it happened. But the best part is that I’m not gonna be a passive observer any more. I’m gonna be an active participant being observed.”

“What do you mean?”

“Instead of just watching porn, I’m gonna make it…I’ve finally decided to go for it…It’s the only way to make up for the last three years of no sex.”

With his mouth agape, Evan looked increasingly shocked by the second. Amused by Evan’s predictably stunned reaction, Narc kept speaking nonchalantly as if he weren’t reporting anything extraordinary.

“I just realized that I have to try it at least once. Maybe it’ll really suck and I won’t want to do it anymore, although I kinda doubt it. I just have to spend a few weeks getting rid of all this fuckin’ fat I put on during the last four years here, so I got a gym membership.”

Evan still looked dumbfounded.

Narc continued: “Hey, I know you’ve got your issues with pornography. But I’m living proof that people go into porn out of their own free will. And I know deep down that you wish you had the balls to do it too. But don’t worry, I’ll send some hot honies your way.”

Evan finally managed to respond: “But…But what about your parents?”

“I know…I know…That’s the one thing that’s always held me back all these years. But I’ve spent the last seven years living for them. Life is short, bro. Too short. Gotta take chances to get what you want. If I’d been born Michael Jordan I’d be the happiest man alive. I’d give anything to be Michael. But that’s just a fantasy. Like joining the NBA. But becoming a porn star is actually doable.”

“So you’re going to tell them?”

“Fuck no! But I figure that the odds of them finding out are nil. They barely watch TV, they don’t even know how to connect to the Internet, and none of their Chinese friends watch porn. So how are they ever gonna find out?”

“I guess…But what are you going to tell them about your law job?”

“The truth: that I need to take some time off and want to explore a career in film. You know, some porn stars actually transition into legit films, so I’m technically telling the truth. Anyway, it’ll give me more time to help them with their business, so they’ll be happy about that.”

“What are you going to tell people at your Columbia Law School and Brown College reunions?”

“I don’t plan on going to those.”

“What if one of your classmates recognizes you in a porn?”

“They’ll probably envy my lifestyle. I’ll be making more money and fucking more hot women than they’ll ever have in their lives.”

“I guess,” said Evan, skeptically. “God…You’ve definitely made some bold decisions since we last spoke.”

That Saturday, on the bus to Trevor’s ashram in upstate New York, Evan asked Narc some more questions that were on his mind.

“What about your dignity? I mean don’t you feel weird about total strangers seeing your pecker and how you use it?”

“Nah. I’m proud to be a well-endowed Asian-American. Just like you told me in college: my family name is ‘Wang’ for a reason. If more guys like me went into porn we’d probably eliminate that fucked-up stereotype. I think it’s good for people to see that Asian men can be physical and sexual, and not just a bunch of science nerds.”

“I guess. But is this really what you want to do with all of that education and intelligence?”

“I’ll do anything but corporate law.”

“But most lawyers don’t transition into porn when they burn out on corporate law.”

“Well, I’m not most people. Besides, people should do what they like. And what they’re good at. And I love sex. And women have always told me that I’m good.”

“I remember from college; your happy customers would call you ‘Big Everlast’,” Evan said reminiscently.

“Word. I mean, not to brag about my goods too much, but I’m a legit eight-incher, I got great stamina, and it doesn’t take me long after an orgasm to get hard again. Where else but the porn industry can I be rewarded for these virtues? Where else but porn and the NBA can I get paid to do what I love?”

“There’s definitely some method to your madness…It’s just hard to imagine such an educated person becoming a porn star.”

“Like I said, this isn’t a lifetime career decision. I’m just tryin’ it out.”

“Aren’t you worried about STDs? Believe me, they’re no joke.”

“The production company I’m gonna work with uses condoms on all of their films, and contractually makes everyone get tested before they work on any film…They told me that there’s still some small risk there, but I’m willing to take it.”

“You always talked about how you grew addicted to this expensive lifestyle and that’s why you couldn’t leave your law firm salary.”

“I’ve got enough saved up to live in New York for two years. And if I stop livin’ so large, I could easily stretch it out to four years. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll be an adjustment, unless I become huge overnight…But it’s worth it, bro. Hell, I should be payin’ them! Even back when I knew how to be smooth and had the patience to date honies properly, they were never as fine-lookin’ as the honies I’m gonna be fuckin’ on camera. And I’ll get to have orgies with four hotties at once. I could never pull that off unless I was a legit NBA playa.”

“What’ll you tell women you meet?”

“I’ll tell ’em I work in film. Besides, I won’t exactly need to pick up women while I’m workin’ as a porn star.”

“You’re not trying to back out of the posse now are you?” Evan asked.

“Nah. I’m down with you fellas.”

“So you really don’t think there’s a social stigma?”

“Thanks to Howard Stern, porn is now very mainstream. Porn stars are known as ‘professionals’ who ‘work’ with each other, and they get interviewed like real stars. Some of them even go into legit Hollywood productions. So lotsa people want to become porn stars. And everyone either watches porn or lies about it.”

“I don’t watch porn.”

“Then you lie about it.”

“I really don’t.”

“Whateva.”

“And I’m definitely not going to watch it now that I know I might see you up there.”

“Yo, I’m expectin’ you to head up my fan site,” Narc said, with a playful elbow jab.

The bus pulled up on the dirt road that extended half a mile into the ashram. Evan and Narc exited the bus.

When they reached the end of the road, where the grassy, gated entrance to the ashram stood, Trevor walked up to greet them. His towering head hovered strangely above the top of the gate, and was totally shaved as always, but now he was wearing a plain peasant garb rather than his usual chic New York clothes. Happy to see his two friends, Trevor gave each of them a warm hug.

“You must be totally knackered and peckish from that long bus ride,” Trevor said. “Come inside for some grub.”

They followed Trevor into a large eating hall and sat down for a tofu-based lunch with sweet milk and raw vegetables.

Over lunch, they caught up on the last eight months of each other’s lives, and Narc quickly resumed his playful imitation of Trevor’s British accent. Trevor seemed relieved and delighted to revert back to such a familiar and intimate mode, since it was the first visit he had had from anyone he knew since his arrival at the ashram. He laughed hysterically at Narc’s work story with Edward, and felt less embarrassed about his own past with Charlene after hearing from Evan what had befallen him and Heeb. Trevor told his visitors how he had discovered the joys of meditation and a pure lifestyle, but conceded that it was a bit boring at times, although nothing as bad as law firm tedium.