Sex Machine: A Standalone Contemporary Romance (17 page)

He looks like he’s been poleaxed. “She has a crush. On
me
?”

With the hand still in place over my mouth, I nod.

“Is this a recent development?”

I shake my head.

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

I finally unseal my mouth. “Is this good news?”

“It’s not bad news. I like her a lot. I always have.”

“But?”

“No buts. I like her.”

“She thinks you think she’s an airhead.” In for a penny…

“What? I do not!”

“I told her that was ridiculous. Look at the business she runs and all the stuff she does for the needy and the elderly.”

“I don’t think that about her at all. I think she’s amazing.”

“Maybe somehow you could find a way to tell
her
that?”

“Yeah,” he says, seeming rattled. “I will.” He leans forward, elbows on knees. “You know the main reason why I’ve never asked her out?”

“I have no clue.”

“She used to be with Blake, and he’s one of my best friends. I thought it might be weird between him and me if I pursued her, even if it was a long time ago for them.”

“That’s the same reason I never thought about dating him, but she told me to quit being ridiculous. That was ages ago, after she finally left Wayne. She deserved to be with a decent guy like Blake after what she went through with Wayne.”

He cringes at the mention of Lauren’s ex-husband. “I hope that guy never shows his face around here again.”

“He’d be crazy to step foot in Marfa. He has to know half the town wants to see him dead for daring to lay hands on her.”

“I’d be first in line,” he says fiercely, so fiercely that I realize he hasn’t been immune to her at all, but rather the exact opposite. “She really has a crush on me?” he asks hopefully.

“She really does, but you did
not
hear that from me.”

“Hear what?” he asks with a wink.

“As long as we’re telling secrets, what’s going on with your buddy Blake?”

He seems genuinely baffled. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t noticed a change in him since the accident?”

“Other than being frantically busy at work and worrying about you, no, not really.”

“Well, I have.”

“How so?”

“He’s different, remote like he used to be, not at all affectionate, and he’s making up excuses to be anywhere but here except to sleep. I keep asking him to take me out for a ride or dinner or anything to get out of here, but he always has a reason why he can’t.”

“Huh, that’s odd.”

Hearing him confirm it doesn’t do much to comfort me. I rub my hand over the ache in my chest that’s becoming more intense by the day. “Something’s wrong, Garrett. Lauren told me to give him time and space to get back to normal after the accident, but it’s been weeks, and he’s more withdrawn by the day. Will you talk to him and see if you can figure out what’s going on with him?”

“Of course.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “And you won’t tell him I sent you?”

“He won’t hear that from me.”

“Thank you, Garrett.”

He grins at me. “Least I can do for you after you opened my eyes to a few things I needed to know.”

I
line
up the Weedwacker at the base of the granite stone and turn it on, knocking down the tall grass that’s grown around Jordan’s gravestone while I’ve been too busy to tend to it the way I normally do.

Normal.

What does that even mean anymore? For a long time, my normal was work, work and more work, with an occasional meaningless screw thrown in there to keep me sane. Then Honey came into the bar and propositioned me, turning my orderly world upside down. It was fun for a while, until reality intruded to remind me that nothing lasts forever, and it’s easier not to get involved than to risk losing everything.

The buzz of the Weedwacker is oddly comforting as I clean up Jordan’s gravesite and the one belonging to her grandparents next to her. I’m ashamed of how overgrown they’ve gotten while I was too busy to tend to them. I hope her grandparents would approve of the work I’m doing to their house. I’m back to thinking I’ll sell it when it’s finished. Living there with Honey and the family we might’ve had together was nothing more than a pipe dream. I know that now.

Once she’s fully recovered, I’ll tell her in the gentlest way possible that I’ve changed my mind about us. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever go through what I did on that highway outside of San Antonio. Not to mention the endless days in the hospital when I didn’t know if she would ever wake up and look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes or smile at me in that special way she saves just for me.

I shake off those thoughts. They’re counterproductive. There’s no sense yearning for things that can never be. I’m far better off focusing on the work that has sustained me for all these years.

She’ll be disappointed, but she’ll get over it. An amazing woman like Honey won’t be single for long. Some great guy will snap her up and give her all the things I can’t. I was an absolute fool to think I’d moved far enough past what happened to Jordan to take another chance with Honey.

And if the thought of her with another guy makes me want to commit murder? Well, that’ll pass in time. Her happiness is the most important thing, and I don’t have what it takes to make myself happy, let alone anyone else.

For a couple of beautiful months, I deluded myself into believing I’d recovered from the trauma of losing Jordan. Drunk on the hottest sex of my life, I thought I was better now, ready to try again, but that turned out to be utter bullshit. While standing on that highway, fearing that I’d already lost her forever, I found out how not ready I am for anything remotely like the things I wanted with Honey.

I can’t afford to care that much about anyone, and Honey deserves better than a shell of a man who hasn’t got a goddamned thing to give her.

I’m startled out of my increasingly dire thoughts by the sight of Garrett, walking across the grass that leads to Jordan’s plot in the local cemetery. What the hell is he doing here? And how did he find me? Annoyed to be interrupted, I turn off the machine and raise the goggles that cover my eyes. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking for you.”

“Well, you found me.”

“Surprised to find you here. I figured you’d be home with Honey by now.”

“Got stuff to do. This place doesn’t keep itself up on its own.”

“No, it doesn’t, but no one says you have to be the only one to do it.”

“I’ve always done it, and I always will, as long as I’m on this side of the grass.”

“Okay.”

“That all you came to say?”

“Actually, no. I guess I’m sort of wondering why you’re back to burying yourself in work when you have a fiancée waiting for you at home.”

“In case you didn't notice, I was away for two weeks. I had a few things to do when I came home.”

“You were caught up after the first week you were back, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to do better than that.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Everything is wrong! I fucked up with Honey. I never should’ve proposed to her, and now I have to undo it, and that fucking kills me.”

“Then don’t undo it.”

“I have to.”

“Why? Why do you have to?”

“Because.” I can hear the utter misery in my own voice, and I have no doubt my close friend can hear it, too.

“I have a theory I’d like to run by you. You can tell me if I’m hot, cold or even lukewarm.”

I don’t want to hear his theory, but I doubt that’ll stop him from sharing it.

“Twelve years ago, something awful happened to all of us, but mostly to you and Jordan’s family, the people who loved her best.”

Because I don’t trust myself to hold it together, I take an intense interest in the grass.

“That was a terrible time, and for years, you coped with your loss and the guilt associated with it by throwing yourself into your work. The only pleasure you allowed yourself was a beer at the end of the day, an occasional roll in the hay and limited time with your family and friends. Am I warm?”

I shrug. He’s hot as hell, but I’m not going to tell him that.

“Then you got together with Honey, and for a while, everything seemed better. You were laughing again like you hadn’t laughed in a dozen years, smiling, joking, taking chances, making plans.”

“And look at where that landed me, back in another motherfucking hospital.”

“Ahhh, and here we get to the heart of the matter, the horrible, terrible thing that almost happened again. The key word being
almost
. Honey’s not dead, Blake. She’s alive and well and in love with you and wondering why you’re spending your time everywhere but with her.”

“She tell you that?”

“She didn’t have to tell me. I went to her house to see you both. You weren’t there, and she didn’t know when you’d be home. You weren’t at the bar or your house, so I came out here. Now you tell me why anyone would rather spend time at the cemetery than home with the woman he loves, the woman who loves him.”

“You don’t get it!” I want to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle the life out of him. How dare he try to expose me this way? I thought he was my friend.

“Don’t tell me I don’t get it. I’ve lived every second of this journey along with you. I’ve watched you go from a happy, carefree, optimistic young man to an empty shell of a man who thinks the only way to get through each day is to power through. That is no way to live, Blake, and the Jordan I knew and loved wouldn’t want that for you.”

“Don’t you dare pretend to know what she would want.”

“Why not? You weren’t the only one who loved her. We all did. I knew her my whole life, and that sweet, loving girl would not want you to use her death as an excuse to run away from life.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Isn’t it? Isn’t it what you’ve been doing so long now that you don’t know how to do anything else when another accident rocks your world and makes you think—stupidly—that the only way to live is to take zero chances?”

I’m afraid if I say anything, I might end a lifelong friendship, so I maintain my stony silence.

Garrett takes a step closer, his voice softer when he says, “Look, I feel for you, man. Everyone does. How could something like that happen to one guy twice in a lifetime, but you know what else has happened to you twice in a lifetime?”

Forcing my gaze up to meet his, I raise a brow.

“True love. Hasn’t happened yet for me, so I’m envious that you’ve had it twice. If I were you and I had an amazing woman like Honey crazy in love with me, I’d hold on to her with everything I had.”

I want to. God knows I want to, but I can’t. “Well, you’re not me.”

“No, I’m not, and I can’t possibly fathom what it was like for you not knowing if Honey was going to make it. But she did, and how sad would it be if she went through everything she did to survive only to lose you because some idiot got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to hit the road? How is that fair to her?”

It isn’t fair, and I didn’t need Garrett to point that out to me.

“I feel for her, you know?” Garrett said. “I mean, she was already abandoned by the most important person in her life the day she was born. I’d hate to see that happen to her again.”

“I’m not abandoning her.” But as I say the words, I feel like a knife is twisting in my chest as I recall her expressing her fear of that very thing. Isn’t that exactly what I’m planning to do? “She’ll be fine.”

“Maybe she will. Maybe she won’t. Hard to know for sure. I’ll say one more thing, and then I’ll let you get back to work.” He waits until I’m looking at him before he says, “I sure did like having my old friend Blake around the last couple of months. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him.”

Leaving me reeling, Garrett walks away, hands in his pockets and head down on the way to his truck. I want to run after him, to tell him he’s got it all wrong, that he doesn’t really understand, but I remain rooted to the spot where he found me, next to my dead girlfriend’s grave while the fiancée I plan to break up with waits for me at home.

When did my life get so fucked up?

At the end of my first week back to work, Lauren brings dinner over, and we eat it on the sofa while watching
Steel Magnolias
on TV. We lose our shit during the scene where Sally Field’s character freaks out at the cemetery after burying her daughter. We sob our heads off like a couple of fools. But then I’m not crying because Sally’s daughter died. I’m crying because at some point in the last couple of weeks, I lost Blake, and I have no idea how I’m going to survive without him.

My heart is broken into a million pieces, and he’s the only one who can put me back together. But he doesn’t want me anymore. He’s even stopped bothering to slip into bed with me at night. I haven’t seen him in three days.

Lauren realizes this meltdown has nothing to do with the movie and wraps her arms around me, holding me while I cry it out.

“I don’t understand what happened,” I say between sobs. The ring that still sits on my finger is a painful reminder of the best days of my life. “We were so happy when we left South Padre. It was perfect, until the accident happened and ruined everything.”

“I’m so sorry, Honey. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.”

“I can’t believe it’s over. I keep hoping he’s going to show up and miraculously be the man he was the last couple of months, but that’s not going to happen, is it?”

“I wish I knew. Garrett talked to him, and he thinks the accident triggered memories, and Blake is doing what he did before to survive by retreating into his work to avoid having to deal with the pain of nearly losing you.”

“He didn’t lose me! I’m right here, wishing he were here with me. No offense to you, of course.”

“None taken,” she says with a kind smile as she brushes the hair back from my face. “I have an idea. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but it worked once before, so who’s to say it won’t work again?”

Desperate to hear any ideas she might have, I wipe away my tears and take a big drink from my wineglass.

“What if you were to go find him and use the line that started this whole thing one more time?”

I shake my head. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me. What makes you think he’ll want to do that?”

“He wants everything with you, Honey. He just can’t give himself permission to take what he wants because he feels responsible for you getting hurt, for Jordan being killed. You have to overpower him with reminders of what he’d be giving up if he lets you go.” She takes my hand and looks directly into my eyes. “You need to be strong enough for both of you.”

“I don’t know if I am, though. I don’t feel strong at all.”

“You, Honey Carmichael, are the strongest person I’ve ever met. Look at the things you’ve already overcome in your life, things that would’ve broken a lesser person. If you want this man as much as I think you do, then you have to fight for him by reminding him of what’s at stake.”

Lauren’s faith in me brings new tears to my eyes. “What if he turns me down?”

“Then you’ll have the answer you need and can move forward knowing you did everything you could. Think about it.”

I wonder how I’ll think about anything else.