Sex Practice (9 page)

Expecting
Larry to be suffering from depression as she breezed into
reception, Brigit was surprised to find him singing. "Oh, what a
terrible morning! Oh, what a terrible day! I have a horrible
feeling, everything's fucked up today!"

"You're in a
good mood this morning, Larry!" she giggled. "You won the lottery
or something?"

"I don't know
whether to sing or cry!" he sighed, leaning on the counter. "Do you
ever question your sanity?"

"Er... no, I
don't!"

"I do, Brigit
- every day I question your sanity. Where's Lily?"

"In the
toilet."

"The best
place to be when there's trouble brewing. Retreat to the
toilets!"

"She has a
thing about toilets."

"Yes, the poor
child. It's a mysterious affliction that I have no explanation for,
I'm afraid - other than complete and utter lunacy of lunatically
frightening proportions. I'll bet Monica's..."

"Doctor
Lickman?" an official-looking man carrying a briefcase asked as he
entered the building and wandered over to the counter.

"Where?" Larry
smiled.

"Where
what?"

"Where's
Doctor Lickman? I thought you were talking to him?"

"Aren't you
Doctor Lickman?" the man asked confusedly.

"Er... no. Do
I look like him?"

"I wouldn't
know, I've never met him."

"I find that
most peculiar!"

"Why?"

"Well, coming
here asking to see a man you've never met. Is it your wont to go
round speaking to people you've never met?"

"My wont? I...
can you tell me where I might find Doctor Lickman?"

"Where you
might find him, or where you will find him?"

"What? Just
tell me where he is!"

"Who are
you?"

"My name's
Fullcrack, I'm from the health authority."

"Shit!"

"I'm
sorry?"

"Er... ship.
Doctor Lickman is aboard ship."

"Oh?"

"Yes, he...
he's on a day trip to France. Vive la France!"

"You're not
patriotic, then?"

"Vive la
Angleterre!"

"Er... yes,
quite."

"May I ask
what business you have with Doctor Lickman, Mr Fullcrack?"

"We've
received a complaint of a most serious and disturbing nature
concerning Doctor Lickman's ethics."

Oh, fuck
. "Really? Has he not behaved
himself on the ship? Good grief, you're not suggesting that he's a
lager lout, are you?"

"On the ship?
No, no, I'm talking about his practice, the way he treats his
clients."

"Ah, oui,
oui!"

"Are you
French?"

"Certainly
not! I'll have you know that my father was Lickuanian. I'm Doctor
Lickman's assistant, his right-hand man, and his left-hand man -
his handyman, so to speak. My name's... my name's Throbber, Knobby
Throbber."

"Mr Throbber,
yes. Er... I wish to take a look at Doctor Lickman's records, his
clients' files. Does he keep computer records?"

"Well, yes he
does, but... the weather's much better today, don't you agree?"

"Er... yes, I
do. Where's the computer, Mr Throbber?"

"A fine day
for sailing across the good old English channel to stock up on
cheap booze and fags and flog them on the black market."

"Indeed. The
computer, Mr Throbber."

"Oh, yes, the
computer. Hold the fort while I fill in Mr Fullcrack, Brigit. This
way, Mr Fullcrack," Larry smiled, walking down the hall to his
consulting room. "I can show you where the computer is, but it
won't do you much good as I don't know how to use it - sadly, I'm
illegitimate."

"The marital
status of your parents when you were conceived is of no concern to
me, Mr Throbber! I suggest you take the matter up with the
registrar of births, marriages and deaths."

"No, I meant -
computer illegitimate... I mean, illiterate."

"I can control
computers competently, Mr Throbber."

"Shit!"

"I beg your
pardon?"

"That's a
mouthful!"

"What is?"
Fullcrack asked irritably.

"Control
computers competently. A tongue twister. Try saying it faster."

"Control
computer comp... competent computer controls... please, Mr
Throbber! I don't have the time to play games!"

"You should
make time! Work hard and play hard, that what my father says,"
Larry grinned, entering his consulting room.

Watching the
man open the files on the computer, Larry winced. He should have
realized that all the evidence required to nail him was on the
computer. Dates, names, addresses, unorthodox treatments - and his
vulgar comments concerning his client's bodies were on file. He'd
also kept a record of the vile acts of debauchery he'd committed on
his clients' naked bodies!

"Are you able
to explain this?" Fullcrack asked, pointing to the screen.

"I doubt it!
My inability to explain is an inherent weakness of mine inherited
from my grandfather. Er... let me think, Miss Scrubbings - yes,
she's a client."

"What does
this mean?"

"What?"

"The letters
and numbers following her name, TF fifteen."

Times fucked - fifteen
. "I really
don't know."

"What about
this?"

"Er... the letter S."
Shaved!
"I have no idea, Mr Fullcrack. It might be a code.
Do you think Doctor Lickman is a Russian spy?"

"Don't be
ridiculous!"

"Perhaps Miss
Scrubbings is a Russian agent."

"What's
this?"

"AD. Er... after death?"
Arse
done!

"BC five, what
does that stand for?"

Bondage and caning
. "Presumably it
refers to a client Doctor Lickman saw five years before Christ was
born."

"Five years
before Christ..."

"Well, I have
no other explanation."

"How on earth
could Doctor Lickman have seen a client five years before the birth
of Christ?"

"Perhaps he's
in possession of a time machine?"

"Are you
feeling ill, Mr Throbber?"

"No, I feel
fine. I've got it! It must have been before Christmas. Yes, that's
more logical - five days before Christmas."

Bringing
another client's notes up on the screen, Fullcrack frowned. "The
horny little bitch loves it up her bum! Rather an odd comment to
make concerning a client, wouldn't you agree?"

"No, not at
all! Doctor Lickman deals with a wide range of women's sexual
problems. You'd be taken aback to hear some of the weird and
wonderful..."

"Miss Shafter
- AD six. The little cow is so retarded that she actually believed
that my spunking up her arse will help to enlarge her breasts. Is
that the sort of comment you'd expect a doctor to make about a
client?"

"No, no!
That's what the woman's boyfriend said to Doctor Lickman. I
remember him well, a right yob he was - a lager lout. He came here
to talk about Miss Shafter's sexual problems - that was a lewd
comment he made about the woman. Due to the psychologically
disturbing nature of the comment, Doctor Lickman felt it worthy of
a mention in her notes."

"I see. Well,
I'll come back and see Doctor Lickman tomorrow."

"Er... he'll
be away for at least three weeks, if not four, or five, even."

"But you said
that he'd gone on a day trip to France!"

"Did I? Oh,
yes, so I did! What I meant was, he's gone on a day trip to France,
and he's then going on to Spain. He might even look in on Portugal,
I don't know. He has friends in Morocco, whether he'll be nipping
across the Strait of Gibraltar to see them or not, I can't say.
What is all this about Doctor Lickman's ethics?"

"We've had a
complaint from a gentleman accusing Doctor Lickman of sexually
abusing his wife."

"Oh, you've
not heard from Monica, then?"

"Monica?"

"Has Gina
Cology been in contact with you about me? I mean, about Doctor
Lickman?"

"Yes, but
that's another matter. My boss, Mr Venereal, is dealing with that.
No doubt Doctor Lickman will be hearing from him in due
course."

Fuck it
. "Ah, you've had a complaint
from Mr Schmidtbag, no doubt."

"Yes, as it
happens, we have. How did you know that he'd contacted us?"

"He suffers
from... how can I put it? He's mentally ill, Mr Fuckcrack... I
mean, Fullcrap... Fullcrack. The poor man came here accusing Doctor
Lickman of tying his wife down to the examination couch with
lengths of rope! Would you believe it?"

"Yes, I did
believe Mr Schmidtbag."

"Did he say
that Doctor Lickman had forced his wife to have sexual intercourse
with two men at the same time, one in front and one behind?"

"Good God! No,
no he didn't mention that!"

"Totally mad!
He actually accused Brigit Biways, the secretary, of having a
filthy lesbian relationship with his wife! He's soon to be
certified insane."

"Is he?"

"Yes, the
necessary documentation is being prepared by an eminent
psychiatrist of psychiatric psychosis, as we speak. The
strait-jacket's been ordered."

"Oh, well, in
that case I'd better get back to the office and... thank you for
your time, Mr Knobbing."

"My name's
Throbbing, I mean, Knobber... Throbber."

"Yes, quite.
Well, thank you for you time."

"Not at all,
Mr Fartcrack... Fullcrack. If there's anything else, please do
hesitate to ring me."

Sitting on the
edge of his desk as Fullcrack left the room, Larry held his head
and sighed. "Jesus fucking Christ! That was close!" Wondering why
Fullcrack hadn't mentioned Monica as the phone rang, he grabbed the
receiver. "Doctor Lickman."

"Larry, I have
a woman on line two who wants to make an appointment to see you,"
Brigit enlightened him.

"Make her an
appointment, then! Can't you deal with a simple task like...?"

"She wants to
see you in about ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?
Oh, all right then. Tell her I'll have to charge her double for an
emergency booking. I don't see why I should see people without
proper notice!"

"She says it's
very urgent."

"All right,
I'll see her."

"OK, bye."

Replacing the
receiver and turning to the computer, Larry began the laborious job
of deleting the lewd remarks from his clients' files. Knowing only
too well that Fullcrack would return after he'd spoken to
Schmidtbag, he wondered when Venereal would be in touch concerning
Gina's allegations. Deciding to give Monica a ring later, he smiled
as Brigit showed a young woman into the consulting room.

"This is Mrs
Cravings," she introduced the woman.

"Ah, Mrs
Cravings, how pleasant it is to meet you!" Larry smiled as Brigit
left the room and closed the door. "Please, do sit down."

In her mid-thirties with long auburn hair framing her
enchanting face, the woman was a real stunner, and Larry sensed his
penis twitch in anticipation! Her heady perfume filling the room,
her succulent red lips furling into a smile, Larry gazed into her
hazel eyes, wondering why the great urgency to see him. What was
her problem? he mused. Inorgasmic, torn between male and female,
marital problems?
Why's she carrying a
camera?

"I had to see
you as a matter of great urgency, Doctor," she began, sitting
opposite Larry and placing her camera on the desk.

"I see," Larry smiled, eyeing her loose fitting blouse, the
deep valley of her cleavage.
I'd like to
spunk over your tits
. "What's the problem?
How can I be of carnal assistance in your time of great carnal
need?"

"I have a
desperate yearning to commit a vile and disgusting sexual act," she
confessed. "A most debased, vile and disgusting sexual act."

Christ, so have I!
"Er... a vile and
disgusting sexual act?" he echoed, surprised.

"Yes. You see,
I have just discovered that my husband has cheated on me, betrayed
me, and I wish to betray him in return. He committed a most vile
and disgusting sexual act with our Swedish au pair and, if our
marriage is to survive his infidelity, then I must equal his act of
filth and depravity."

"Two wrongs
don't make a right, Mrs Cravings!"

"An eye for an
eye, Doctor Lickman. A tooth for a tooth, an orgasm for an orgasm.
He cheats, I cheat, and we're equal. Neither can blame the other
because both would be equal in their adulterous debauchery."

"I see. Well, I don't know how I can help you."
Apart from fuck your cunt
.
"Might I suggest that you..."

"Might I
suggest that you defile my body without further delay?"

"Er... defile
your body? Well, I... Mrs Cravings, I think we should discuss your
problem before we do anything rash. Tell me, your husband, has he
misbehaved before?"

"I've been
able to control him in the past. I use a cane to thrash him
whenever I sense that he's close to misbehaving. Unfortunately, I
was away for a few days attending a dominatrix course, and he took
advantage of my absence - and the au pair!"

"Well, I could
take you to my examination room and..."

"Right!" she
said eagerly, rising to her feet and grabbing her camera. "Lead the
way!"

Stunned, Larry
opened the door and showed the woman to his bondage room, wondering
about her logic - her sanity. An orgasm for an orgasm? Why not? he
thought, closing the door as she entered the room and gazed at the
examination couch. Her hazel eyes reflecting a burning desire to
commit a debauched adulterous act, she placed her camera on the
couch and unbuttoned her blouse, slipping the garment off her
shoulders and tossing it over a chair. Her full breasts heaving
within her straining lace bra, she reached behind her back and
freed the hook, allowing her mammary spheres to tumble from the
cups.