Sexy and Funny, Hilarious Erotic Romance Bundle (49 page)

She continued, “I’m a huge fan! Me and my girlfriends are all Team Peaches.”

And then, as she said my name again with her particular accent, and I heard it: Peach-tchiss.

“We looooove Peach-tchiss!”

I clapped my hands to my face. “I nearly slapped you. I thought you called me Peach Tits.”

Her snow-white face grew even more pale.

I fanned my face, saying, “Phew! Just give me a moment to get my bitch dialed down. It shot up to eleven there, but we’re okay. We’re cool.”

The young woman pulled back her silky black hair to show me a hearing aid. “Some of my words come out different from other people’s, because of how I hear them.”

“I’m sorry I thought the worst. I’m a little trigger happy since I read all those nasty things online.”

“I’m Finn,” she said, offering me a delightfully plump hand to shake. “Short for Dolphin, but spelled with an F, in case you’re wondering.”

“We’re sisters in the weird name club.”

She glanced down, taking in my full figure at the same time as she stuck one round hip to the side. We were sisters in the BBW club, too. She could have played my body double, if not for the tattoo sleeves up both of her arms. Her ink was a mix of macabre and sweet, with the skeletons of cartoon animals mixed with flowers, sailboats, and antique keys, plus one yellow French’s mustard squeeze bottle. Surely there was a story to that one, I figured.

“Come to my lair,” she joked, leading me over to a swivel chair in front of three mirrors. We squeezed past several racks of clothing packed into the narrow trailer, and I took a seat.

As the perfumed scent of the makeup hit my nose, the gravity of the situation began to sink in. Holy shit, I was going to be shot for
Vanity fucking Fair.
Shot, stuffed, and mounted in a display case for all the world to see.

“You have good hair,” she said.

“Thanks.”

“My instructions are to go Country Bumpkin, but screw them. Let’s go Sexy Farmer’s Daughter.”

“What’s the difference?”

“About a mile of false eyelashes and a push-up bra, plus a gorgeous pinafore dress instead of overalls.”

“Honey, you had me at false eyelashes.”

With a confident smile, Finn started opening packages of makeup and prepping fluffy brushes. She worked on my hair and makeup, then helped me try on a few outfit options. She knew exactly what to put on my body, from her own experience, and even loaned me her own silver belt when I confessed that none of the wardrobe options were nearly as nice as hers.

I found myself wishing my mother could have been there, as she would have gotten a kick out of the whole thing.
Next time
, I thought, then I laughed at myself for thinking there would ever be a next time.

After some frenzied last-minute makeup touches, while people kept popping their heads in the door to urge Finn to hurry up, I emerged from the trailer in my glamorous Sexy Farmer’s Daughter getup.

The pinafore dress we tried didn’t have the seam integrity to handle my curves, so I was in a sturdy and eye-popping polka dot dress, red and white. They actually had a lot of dresses my size in the wardrobe department, which surprised me. A stiff crinoline spread the skirt about a mile wide, and made my curvy legs, exposed from the mid-thigh down, look positively dainty amidst all that fabric. Around the high waist, I wore Finn’s lovely silver belt, which was a snake biting its tail. At the top of the boned bodice, my breasts were high and proud, round and ready like two well-inflated bouncy castles.

My blond hair was styled in two braids, but artfully voluminous around my face. The makeup was comically heavy, especially the round blush apples on my cheeks, but Finn assured me it was necessary, because the bright lights would blanche half my color out. My earlobes were burdened by heavy clip-on earrings. My ears aren’t pierced, so Finn didn’t have many choices, but we both agreed the shiny silver earrings brought out the blue in my eyes.

As I followed some unnamed assistant to the set, I was glad for the earrings pinching my lobes, as they helped keep me from floating out of my body amidst the surreal scene.

My mouth dropped open as we came around the corner and I saw the scene in front of the log cabin. A seven-man band, all in red and black lumberjack-flannel jackets, were getting into place with musical instruments. A man with a long, red beard played the stand-up bass contentedly as people milled around.

The guy at the drum set, whom I recognized as Shayla’s cousin from the other side of the family, Lester, gave me a wave. That’s when I realized I was looking at the Bushy Beaver Tails, Beaverdale’s almost-famous band.*

*Be careful when you type Bushy Beaver Tails into a search engine, that you don’t have image preview turned on.

Lester cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Go, Peaches!”

I felt myself blushing under my thick makeup.

When Dalton tapped me on my shoulder, I threw myself into his arms. “Hold me, I’m scared!” I wailed, mostly joking.

“I’m not Mr. Deangelo.”

I squeezed him tighter, pressing my body against his, but careful not to smear my makeup on his crisp, green button-down shirt. “Then why do you smell like him?” I asked, nuzzling the neck of the man I assumed was Dalton.

With his hands firmly on my waist, the man pushed me back from him. “I’m the standin,” he said, his blue eyes twinkling.

For an instant, I was amazed Dalton had turned his green eyes blue, but then realization smacked me in the face repeatedly (the way realization always does).

I apologized to the attractive young man, and he laughed and told me he would take my error as nothing but a compliment.

The realization I’d nuzzled this stranger’s neck was still smacking me in the face as we got our instructions about where to go for the photos.

The Dalton look-alike was going to pose in the images with me, and then the real one would come join us at the end. As we talked a bit more, I found out that Charlie (that was his name) wasn’t there just for the shoot, but also had a small role in the movie, as Dalton’s character’s brother.

The shoot itself was about as strange as you’d expect. They brought in some bales of hay for us to sit on, and Charlie and I sort of danced* while the Bushy Beaver Tails actually played music, and then we all acted terrified when a trio of people in teddy-bear suits interrupted our party.

*Charlie was a fine dancer, whereas I merely pretended to dance while trying not to look down and get a bunch of chins.

The photographer said nothing directly to me, but whispered to her three assistants, who then directed me.

And how did I enjoy my first major magazine photo shoot? I hated/loved every minute. It was the worst/greatest thing, ever. I felt hideous/gorgeous and the work itself was easier than selling books.

The time whizzed by, and I did a quick wardrobe change into a puffy white blouse and my own jean shorts for the next series. Charlie disappeared, and
my guy
strolled onto the photo set on the lawn of the log cabin, looking every bit the star. He wore an expensive-looking suit with a tie the same color as his gorgeous green eyes.

The next part was the most challenging: we had to pose like we were about to kiss, without actually kissing. Having Dalton’s lips just out of reach was tantalizing torture. He dialed up the pain by eye-fucking me the entire time. I nearly died.

And then, it was done.

Well, first there was a tedious amount of hand-shaking and release-papers-signing, but eventually it was done. The sun disappeared behind the rolling hills, and that was the end of our light. The silent photographer and her three assistants disappeared in a helicopter, and everyone else drove off.

Dalton and I lingered behind to pet the horses, and before long, we were alone.

The horses eventually got bored of us, deciding we had no sugar cubes, and wandered off into the dusky night.

Vern had gone to wait for us in the car, where Dalton assured me he was taking a nap.

“Should we go somewhere?” I asked. “Back to your trailer? We’re not allowed to hang out here with nobody around, are we?”

He laughed. “We’re not trespassing. Help me block out a scene, will you?”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I followed him back to the smaller log cabin, the dark sky cozy around us. Back in the main building, the large one behind us, lights were on and the windows showed human activity. Most of the production crew were staying there, with the family who owned the ranch. There was a personal connection between some of the crew and the ranch owners—a connection I didn’t care about, because Dalton had my hand in his, and that was everything.

Oh, I nodded politely as he told me about the budget overruns, and how today’s photo shoot was saving their bacon because they had no promotion money, but his gorgeous body paired with my freak-girl lust was stealing my attention. Was it the suit and tie? Fuck me. I couldn’t wait to get him back to my place, or even to his ridiculous Airstream trailer.

I was quite surprised when he led me into the log cabin, then to a small room, where he started kissing my neck like he meant business. We were in a room full of cameras, with a bed in one corner.

“What are you doing?” I moaned as his lips traveled up and down the side of my neck.

“Blocking out a scene.” He reached for my layers of tops and lifted them up. My hair was still in braids, but I’d changed back into the green lace top I’d arrived there in, what seemed like days earlier but was in fact only hours.

Down to just my bra on top, I shivered in the cool evening air. The room was lit by just one table lamp, next to the bed, and the house was eerily silent.

“You cold?” he asked. “I’ll warm you up.” He rubbed his palms together, the sound like fine sandpaper, then rubbed his hot palms up and down the outer edges of my arms.

With a nudge, I was backing up, stopping only when the backs of my legs touched the bed.

I whispered, “We can’t mess up the film set.”

“A bed can be re-made.” He reached for my jean shorts and deftly unfastened the button and zipper. The denim hit the floor, the sound resonating through the empty cabin. Dalton’s eyebrows shot up. “Uh-oh.”

I glanced over his shoulder, at all the cameras and equipment, staring at us with their dark eyes. All the power was off, but the devices were still menacing. Watchful.

“We could go to your trailer,” I said, my voice hopeful.

A shadow passed over his green eyes, already dark and mysterious in the low light of the room. “I can’t wait that long.”

“Mr. Impatient.”

“Undress me.” He stood absolutely still before me.

Okay.

I reached under the suit jacket, finding his heat trapped beneath the fine wool and silky lining. Slowly, I removed the jacket and lay it on the bed behind where I stood. The tie came off next, and I got flustered because of how he was staring at me. I lay the green tie on the bed next to the jacket.

Next, I unbuttoned his shirt, slowly revealing his perfect body. I pulled the fabric away and then draped it gently on the bed as well.

“Should I put your clothes somewhere other than the bed?” I asked.

“That’s fine.”

What did he mean? It was fine that we’d be rolling around on the clothes, or that we weren’t going to be using the bed, or what?

“Keep going,” he said.

Silently, obediently, I started unbuttoning his trousers.

“On your knees,” he said.

I thought about it for a moment, then got down on the wood floor, on my knees. His cock was already thick and hard for me as I eased down his trousers and boxers. A bead of dew awaited me on the tip.

Slowly, enjoying the torture of drawing it out, I draped the remaining clothes on the bed.

He didn’t say a word, and his mouth didn’t twitch with any expression.

I could smell the musky scent of his pubic hair, his smell intoxicating. He was rigid and pointing at my lips, the bead gleaming.

Leaning forward, I took him into my eager mouth, relishing the slightly bitter tang of his fluid, followed by the earthy, saltiness of his cock.

“There’s my girl,” he murmured, and he buried his fingers in my hair as I took him deep in my mouth. He didn’t push my head, but encouraged me to bob faster, then slower.

He groaned as I sucked his gorgeous cock. I reached up with one hand to grasp the base with gentle pressure, then using my other hand to give feathery strokes to his balls. I could hear the lip-smacking sounds of my mouth on his flesh, and the noises only turned me on more.

He groaned and clutched his hands more tightly at the base of my skull.

“I’m going to come,” he said, which wasn’t news to me based on how pressurized and big his cock felt.

“Mmm,” I moaned, my mouth full of him.

He murmured, “Look at me.”

I tilted my head to the side to make eye contact, my lips still around his thick rod.

“I want you to touch your pussy for me,” he said. “Touch it the way you wish I was touching you.”

I didn’t have to think about that request for long. My hand practically dove down into my panties. I whimpered again as fingers slid easy into my silken crease, back and forth across my clit.

The flesh in my hand and mouth matched the heat between my legs, and soon everything was in motion.

Just as I began to release, the delicious waves of toe-curling pleasure pulsing through my arms and legs, he also began to pulse in my mouth. With a groan, he thrust against me, captive of his own sweet ending.

After I swallowed, he relaxed in my mouth, conforming to my shape, his balls now loose in their skin. I gave them a gentle tug, and he moaned again, then let out an embarrassed laugh.

I pulled him out and finished with a kiss, right on the winking little eye. I’d already pulled my hand out of my underwear. Resting back on my heels, I gazed up at him, waiting for what he’d say next.

Would he make a joke about not having to make the bed, after all? Would I say something about the cameras, and surprising footage they could have shot?

He tilted his head to the side, and simply said, “Your house?”

“Sure. My house. My roommate’s there, but she won’t mind if we make a little noise.”