Sexy Love (Sexy Series Book 4) (27 page)

Gah, what the heck, why not? I can go into the London office with Daniel to make me feel better about a random vacation; I don’t see a reason why I can’t go, I don’t have anything stopping me.

Within half an hour, my assistant, Hannah, has booked my flight and I’ll be flying to London last thing today. I do feel like I could be more excited, but right now I’m just trying to force myself into preoccupying my mind.

Packing is never difficult, I travel a lot so I’m always ready to go last minute, so the rest of my day is made making plans, speaking with Bea, Daniel and Clare (avoiding having to talk about my reasoning with my brother and his fiancée) and preparing my home and office for my absence.

I don’t eat all day again, but I know that I need to, especially if I’m flying later with added jet lag likely, so I decide to make myself something small with whatever I have in my refrigerator that’ll need to be disposed of before I leave.

It turns out to be a chicken salad. It’s not Seb’s Seriously Awesome Salad or that delicious shrimp dish he made, which – if I’m forcing something into my body, would be perfect right now, but of course I don’t have the recipes, and I can’t even call to ask. He said if I ever wanted it again, I should call him and he’ll make it for me. Whatever happened to that?

Great.
The nausea is back just in time for me to try to swallow a plate of chicken salad.

I hear my phone chime from my purse out in the hallway with my bags and I stand to head over to retrieve it, I’ve sent so many messages and made so many calls that I know I’m going to have a lot to answer before I get on my flight, so I better make a start on this one.

As I sit back down at the breakfast bar with my chicken salad, scooping another arduous mouthful into my mouth, I open the message… from Tilly. I smile, of course.

~

SUMMERS, TILLY

iMessage

Today 7:44

Er, you didn’t tell me you were going to England! When are you off? Are you going with Seb? Xxx

~

I respond straight away, wishing she hadn’t mentioned him.

~

Today 7:45

Hey Tilly, nice to hear from you. No, I didn’t tell you - but I only decided earlier today and I’ve been a little busy since. I was going to contact Luke to cancel my training next week. I have a car collecting me for LAX in about an hour. I’m going alone, looking forward to seeing Clare and Oliver. Xx

Delivered

~

I hope she doesn’t reply with any questions, I really don’t want to have to respond by text message. I’m fully prepared to tell her about the situation - having told Clare, I feel bad about not having told Tilly, but I really don’t have the energy or want to discuss it again now.

She responds quicker than expected, so I have another mouthful of food and look at the screen. I’m knocked immediately, feeling so instantly sick that I have to spit the food out, rather than risk inevitable retching as I swallow.

~

LOVE, SEBASTIAN

iMessage

Today 7:47

Hey Lexie, long time no speak. How are you? Are you in town tonight? S xx

~

What the fuck? My fingertips press against my lips as I try to process this. I’m excited, exhilarated, so happy to finally hear from him – but thoroughly confused and pissed off.
Long time no speak?
Um… that’s because of
you
, you complete ass!

Tilly interrupts my shock.

~

SUMMERS, TILLY

iMessage

Today 7:47

Oh wow! So last minute, how exciting! You’re used to it though, I suppose. I’m so envious of you; I wish I could see my big, fat pregnant Clare! Say ‘hi’ from me, give her belly a hug. No worries, I’ll tell Luke about training. Hope all is good with you, I feel like I haven’t spoken to you for ages! Maybe we can video-call with Clare while you’re there. Anyway, I’ll let you get your sweet ass into gear – have an amazing time, darling! Dinner when you’re back, for sure xxx

~

I’m not really concentrating on what she’s saying as I mentally formulate my response to Sebastian. I’m going to type and send it; whether or not it’s the right thing to do – who knows?

~

Today 7:49

Sebastian, hello. I’m sorry, I’ll be out of State for a while. Hope all is well with you. Alexia.

Delivered

~

I can’t leave kisses. I can’t be nice – responding is as nice as I think I can get. Why now? Why not respond to my previous message?

I scrape the rest of the salad into the trash and clean up my plate and fork, determined to make myself busy instead of staring at my cell. I take the trash bag out and tie it, leaving it in the centre of the floor for my maid to dispose of when she cleans first thing tomorrow. It reminds me to leave her a note telling her I’ll be out of town.

I move on to my bedroom where I check myself in the mirror in the closet. I brush my hair with my fingers and leave it hanging heavily down my back and over my shoulders, and I slip my navy flats on to complement my cream linen pants and striped navy and cream tank.
Hmm, more navy
, I think, as I pull a short, cream lamb’s wool sweater from the rail and hook it over my arm to take back out to my bags.

My face is good which helps as I have already packed my make-up, and so I spritz myself with perfume and make sure the balcony door is locked before heading back to the hall.

I put my sweater with my things and stroll nervously through the kitchen to the breakfast bar for my cell. There are two messages and I open the one from Tilly, first. She’s asking me to bring back some Cadbury’s Whole Nut chocolate, because she’s not quite nutty enough yet, and the other message is from Sebastian.

I sit down and take a breath before I read. Suddenly I feel less upset, less out-of-control. I feel like my position in the driver’s seat has been re-instated.

~

LOVE, SEBASTIAN

iMessage

Today 8:04

That’s a shame, I was hoping to see you, where are you off to? When will you be back? Need a ride? ;-) I’m sorry for being quiet recently, I have been thinking of you a lot – I’ve just been a little pre-occupied. Maybe we can meet up so I can apologize in person. S xx

~

Meet up? Meet up?!
Has he been on another planet? It’s like the past three weeks haven’t happened! He was hoping to see me?
Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t realise I should drop everything to see the man who left me festering in a pit of self-doubt for the past few weeks.
And quiet? More like fucking silent!

I calm myself before responding; I don’t want my emotions to be too evident, even though I will speak my mind.

~

Today 8:09

I’ll be in London; I’ll be back in a week or so but I don’t think meeting up is such a great idea, I’m a little ‘pre-occupied’ myself. Alexia.

Delivered

~

It’s a little moody, but it’s probably the better of the response options I have in my head right now. And his reply is immediate. I know I’m a fast texter, but he must have supersonic fingers.

~

LOVE, SEBASTIAN

iMessage

Today 8:10

Please don’t say that, Lexie, although I probably deserve it. When are you leaving for London?

~

Yes, you do, asshole. Suddenly those knots in my stomach have eased; I’m feeling strong again, and about freaking time. Just because now
you’re
back, doesn’t mean you get
me
back. And with those words muttered under my breath, a song I recently heard comes to mind; ‘Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri. I remember the heartfelt lyrics easily; that hurt, the anger, the regret of the first kiss that started everything. I’m sure most women have felt in their soul, the very passionate fire raging in each emphatic verse.

~

Today 8:12

I’m leaving for LAX shortly. My flight is tonight.

Delivered

~

My response is short and blunt, but I really don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I can go straight into a barrage of questions by text message; I’d rather give off the impression that I don’t give a damn – even if that’s a game of sorts.

I leave my phone in the kitchen and move around the apartment, locking up and getting ready to leave. I have half an hour until my car comes, but I need to be ‘doing’ up until then to stop this unknown feeling knocking around inside me like a jolty, wooden rollercoaster.

When it chimes again after a little while longer, this time, I leave it. My fingers curl into a fist and I have to bite my lip to resist the temptation – but I manage to hold back for at least four minutes before speeding over to check it out. Four minutes is good going, I think… I shall mentally pat myself on the back for that.

~

LOVE, SEBASTIAN

iMessage

Today 8:17

Alexia, could we at least talk? I have missed you a lot and I would love it if you’d let me just try to make it up to you. I’m sorry for being off the radar, so to speak, I know I wasn’t in contact but it doesn’t mean I forgot about you. Could you skip your flight if I arrange to get you there? Think about it? S xx

~

I smile but desperately try to straighten it out. He may be grovelling a little, which is fantastic, but that does not excuse how he has made me feel recently, and as I do not let
anybody
make me feel insecure or doubtful, I’m doubly angry that the only person I have ever let close enough to be able to do that – did.

Reminded again of the empty feeling I have had of late, I nod, reaffirm my feelings and respond. I stand firm.

~

Today 8:26

My flight is booked and I’ll be on my way to the airport in less than twenty minutes. I am not cancelling it to make you feel better. I’m sorry, I just don’t have time to talk right now, I’m getting ready to leave and certainly can’t talk when I’m in the car with a driver. I don’t know what your reasons for being ‘off the radar’ are, but I think we can safely say that you and I just aren’t looking for the same things.

Delivered

~

So – yes, I am cutting off my nose to spite my face, because I
do
want to succumb and let him see me, let him talk me through his reasoning and apologise so much that I can’t help but fall back into his arms – but I’m simply not the type of person to let somebody treat me the way in which he has.

I will not drop everything to let him try and win me over – this is my life and I will continue living it, with or without Sebastian Love, even if it kills me when I don’t get to see or speak to him anymore. He doesn’t need to know that.

If he wants to pursue me – that’s up to him, but he can damned well work his ass off before he gets back into my good books again.

Hell, yes, Alexia!
You’re back!
I think that was it, I was heartbroken that he didn’t want me and thoroughly disgusted that I let the situation out of my control. Now I’m back. I still miss him and wish this had never happened so that we could be together as we were – but as he did treat me like shit, at least I’m not crying anymore.

~~~~~~~

By the time Sebastian responds, I’m in the car on the way to the airport. He obviously had a lot to think about, or something else to do in that time. It’s incredible how the feeling of emptiness can suddenly vanish when the guy who put it there shows a weakness - and puts you back on top.

I seem to be appreciating life again, basking in the balmy Los Angeles evening, looking forward to a long, relaxing flight and a catch up with friends on the other side, knowing that Sebastian wants to come crawling back.

Rejection is probably one of the hardest things I have had to cope with; it’s not something I have a great amount of experience in. So finding out that maybe I wasn’t rejected, after all, re-instates my confidence massively. It should never have been affected so much in the first place.

I try not to think that there’s a possibility of reconciliation, but while I know that he wants it, I feel good to make the final decision myself, and right now, whatever the outcome, he can think it’s a great, big ‘no’.

~~~~~~~

A long flight can sometimes be tedious, and other times, an effective, enjoyable time to make the most of relaxing, working and reflecting.

This flight has been the latter. I’ve worked a little, watched a movie, enjoyed actually
eating
some food instead of just poking it around the plate, spent some time thinking about the Sebastian situation and listened to some calming music.

I granted myself about an hour of sleep time, but I know I’ll have to combat jetlag so I’m fighting the urge and staying awake until bedtime - UK time. It’s not too difficult today with my mind racing as it is.
I wonder when I’ll next hear from him.