Shades of Blue (21 page)

Elisabeth contacted her husband overseas and they named their daughter Cassandra Rae. She was an active baby, and Elisabeth called Emma often to talk about the amazing feeling of having a life growing inside her. There were times when Emma felt like her friendship with Elisabeth was a cruel trick, a way for God to rub in her face what she’d done. But then she’d remind herself that she’d had a choice. She hadn’t done anything illegal, only what any teenage girl in her situation would have done.

But sometime around Elisabeth’s fifth month, she began having sharp cramps. She called Emma in a complete panic. “Please … come get me. I need to get to the hospital! Please, Emma!”

She arrived at her friend’s house as quickly as she could, and they were at the emergency room in no time. “Stay with me,” Elisabeth’s eyes pleaded with her. “I don’t want to be alone!”

The doctors did what they could to stop her labor, but in the end their efforts didn’t matter. With Emma holding tight to Elisabeth’s hand, the tiny baby girl was delivered later that night, stillborn.

“Can … can I hold her?” Elisabeth was weeping, exhausted from the delivery and the loss of her baby.

Emma wanted to run, wanted to scream for someone to pause the picture while she removed herself as far from the hospital room as possible. But she was mesmerized by the beautiful dead baby girl. The nurse wrapped her in a pink blanket and handed her carefully to Elisabeth.

As the doctor and nurse discretely left them alone, Elisabeth cradled the infant to her face and let her tears fall on the baby’s blanket. “Little Cassandra … Mommy loves you. Someday we’ll be together again in heaven. I promise you.”

No matter how much she wanted to leave, or how certain she was that she shouldn’t have been a part of such an intensely painful, deeply private moment, Emma stayed. Rooted to the floor and drawn by a scene that was strangely familiar.

“Here,” Elisabeth extended the lifeless bundle to Emma. “Hold her … So I won’t be the only one who remembers her.”

Again Emma wanted to be anywhere but there, but as if her body was running on autopilot, she reached out and took little Cassandra in her arms. She stared down at the baby’s tiny, perfectly formed nose and hands, at the precise detail of Cassandra’s cheeks and her beautiful long eyelashes.

And right there, in a way that was impossible to deny, Emma knew the truth. She could say what she wanted to about abortion. She could repeat the rhetoric about a woman’s choice and the legalities of terminating a pregnancy. But a baby was a baby, no matter what stage of development. A precious life. Holding Cassandra, Emma knew she could never again justify her actions. She had killed her baby, and she would pay for her decision the rest of her life. Abortion was not a choice or a procedure or a woman’s right.

The truth was cradled lifeless in her arms.

Emma bent down and placed the rose adjacent to Cassandra’s name. Emma and Elisabeth still exchanged Christmas cards, but her friend was living overseas with her husband and two boys now. Emma lightly touched her fingers to Cassandra’s name. Elisabeth would be glad she’d stopped by the grave. Glad that someone remembered Cassandra.

She stood and brushed off her shorts. The trip had been good for her, the reflection a way to reconnect with her mom even for a little while. She still missed her, but not with the ache she’d felt earlier. She went back to Riley. “Come on, boy. Time to go.”

He stood and stretched and she picked up his leash. On the way home she wondered again what would’ve happened if her mom hadn’t gotten sick, if Emma had found the confidence to tell her about the baby. The answer was suddenly an easy one. With her mom’s help, she would’ve had the baby and everything … everything would’ve been different.

The baby would’ve been more than a life saved. If Emma had given birth, the baby would’ve been a bridge between her and Brad. Their nine-year-old would’ve been in the car with them right now, and later tonight their child would’ve been running and playing in the sand with Riley. They would’ve talked about the school year coming to a close and the adventures they would take over summer break.

If she would’ve had someone to confide in, someone to help her raise her baby, Emma and Riley wouldn’t be driving home alone. Instead she would be holding the small hand of their son or daughter, the two of them headed home to a world that could’ve been — to a family and a future and a life with the only guy she’d ever loved.

If only her mother had lived.

Sixteen

L
AURA TOLD NO ONE ABOUT
B
RAD’S
confession. Two days had passed and she hadn’t once even considered telling her parents. Brad was headed back to North Carolina to meet with an old girlfriend about an abortion they’d shared in? Now … with the wedding weeks away? Her mom and dad would come unglued, for sure. This was the wedding they’d been dreaming about since Laura and Brad started dating.

Her parents wouldn’t be so concerned with the financial aspect of canceling the wedding — if that’s what happened. But the situation was so much worse than that. Laura worried that her father might never think the same of Brad again, which would absolutely affect his future at the firm. If they broke up altogether, Brad would have to find a position somewhere else. It would be too awkward to stay. That and the fact that all three hundred and twenty guests would need to be notified, which meant everyone in the family and her parents’ entire social and business circle would know about the breakup. Laura would be pitied by all of them, and by association her parents would be pitied too.

The whole thing would be an embarrassment to the family and even the firm. So, instead of sharing the truth about what she’d learned from Brad, Laura had laid low, telling her mom she wasn’t up for shopping or heading into the city to check on any of the wedding details.

“I need a few days to reflect,” she said at dinner last night. Both her parents had noticed her drop in enthusiasm toward the wedding, and both had asked if she and Brad were okay. “We’re fine,” she had said more than once. What else could she say?

But today was Wednesday and maybe it was time to talk about what happened. She had to tell someone. The shock was wearing off, and in its wake were emotions Laura had never dealt with at this level — anger and betrayal, hurt and fear. Just last week she’d thought how hurt she would be if she — like her friend, Nelly — was ever betrayed.

And now — here — that betrayal had happened.

Laura drifted through her parents’ house and out onto the front porch. The manicured grass stretched out an acre on either side of the driveway, and beyond that was part of the fairway from the country club. But that wasn’t where they would hold their wedding. No, the ceremony and reception for the only daughter of Randy James would be at the world-renowned Liberty House, nothing less. The Liberty House had walls of glass three stories high. It was billed as “the view with a room,” because every window provided a surreal vantage of the lower Manhattan skyline, the Hudson River, Ellis Island, and the Statue of Liberty.

Her parents had spared no expense working with a well-known wedding coordinator to pull together every detail. The reception — if it happened — would be something out of a fairy tale. Tables and chairs would be covered in fine linen, and the many chandeliers gracing the Grand Ballroom would be connected by strings of tiny white lights. An entire staff decked out in tuxedoes would tend to their guests’ every need.

Her dress was breathtaking, an original that seemed made for her. Locally grown white roses would blanket the ceremony pathways and sitting area and every table in the ballroom. A Manhattan baker known for his artistic wedding creations had designed their cake. The prime rib and seafood dinner was being specially put together by a team of chefs who had their own daytime cooking show over the Hudson. There would be an orchestra and a DJ, and the dancing would go late into the night. When it was over, the guests would be invited back out onto the lush lawn for a private fireworks show. It should’ve been the wedding of the year.

But so what?

Laura sat down in one of the gliders on the porch and set the chair in motion. Without question she would’ve traded it all for the certainty that her fiancé was who he’d pretended to be, for the security in knowing that his ex-girlfriend wasn’t distracting him this close to the wedding. A big, glamorous show. That’s all the wedding was shaping up to be, and so she’d been honest with Brad. She really did need time.

And it was that final part that pulled her up out of the chair and pushed her inside for her car keys. The Bible study was at Megan’s tonight, a few miles away, and suddenly Laura wanted to be there as badly as she wanted her next breath. Her friends had seen each other through far more painful things than a failed engagement. If that’s what this was. Laura had supported her friends while they each experienced their various hopes and heartaches.

Now they would be there for her.

T
HE
B
IBLE STUDY COULDN’T START OFF
with her news. Laura let the others talk, while she focused on what she was going to say, how she was going to say it. The girls gathered around the coffee table in Megan and Joey’s condominium. Anna, Bella Joy, and Nelly sat on the sofa. Amy had the armchair, and Megan and Laura sat on dining room chairs pulled into the room for the occasion.

“My doctor wants to run some tests on me. One of my blood tests came back a little high.” Megan sounded hopeful. “I’m not worried, but … I wanted you to know.”

Amy leaned over and patted Megan’s knee. “It’ll be fine.” She looked at the others. “We’ll pray.”

“Thanks.” Megan managed a tentative smile. “I can’t afford to be off my feet. Not with four little ones running around!”

“If you need help, I’ll move in!” Bella Joy grinned at Megan. “I mean it. A month … two. Whatever you need.”

“If it goes that way, I’ll remember that.”

Amy’s eyes lit up. “By the way, I have good news about the twins. They got accepted to Orange Christian Elementary! The school offered us scholarships, so my mom and I can afford it!”

“I can’t believe they’re that old.”

“They’re five.” Amy’s pride over her girls shone in her eyes. She was a wonderful mother, never allowing herself to sound bitter or resentful over her own shattered social life or the sacrifices she’d made so that her girls would have a great life. “Kindergarten in the fall.”

Laura looked around the room and saw she wasn’t the only one feeling nostalgic over the fact that Amy’s daughters were already school age, and that they would be attending the same school where the six of them first met. But today Amy’s mention of the twins hit Laura on another level. How would Amy feel if she’d had an abortion? Laura felt an unfamiliar hurt for what Emma Landon must’ve gone through. Especially if Brad left her life without saying sorry.

“Time flies by after kindergarten.” Anna smiled. She rested her hand on her pregnant belly. “That’s what I’ve always heard, anyway.”

Bella Joy and Nelly listened without saying much. They didn’t have kids or husbands, so this sort of talk left them on the outs. Laura felt knots form in her stomach. She could picture herself — six months from now — having more in common with them than she’d ever imagined.

After another few minutes, Megan picked up her Bible. “We were in Luke,
chapter 6
. The part about loving our enemies.”

Laura reeled at the sudden impact of the verses. Last week the Scripture had been so many more verses.
Love your enemies … be kind to those who harm you … show mercy …
Last week those were merely tough truths that framed the existence of the Christian life. Now they were personal. Brad had hurt her, and tonight she didn’t feel like loving him. Even so, she needed the Scriptures. Life was crashing in around her, and she no longer knew whether Brad was the man for her, or even how she felt about him. Only with God’s wisdom and direction would she get through whatever happened in the coming weeks. She didn’t have to marry Brad, but she had to forgive. She had to love — no matter what. The thought made her angry, because it wasn’t fair. She hadn’t done anything to cause this, and right now she didn’t want to love him.

Megan was talking about how often she’d thought about last week’s lesson in the days since then. “Almost like God was giving me extra practice in loving the people who are harder to be around.”

“Me too.” Nelly looked down at her hands. “Did you see the tabloids? My ex married his back-up singer this week.”

Laura’s heart sank further into her chest. Would that be her one day, hearing from her parents or through a UNC friend that Brad had married? Maybe even married Emma? A shiver ran down her arms.
How could he keep his past from me all this time
, she thought.
It isn’t right, God … I don’t even know him.

Only one response filled her heart. The Scripture from Luke,
chapter 6
.

Megan waited until they all had their Bibles open. “Okay, so let’s have Bella Joy start with Luke 6:37.”

Bella Joy was a happy soul, rarely feeling sorry for herself despite her loneliness. She held her Bible up and began, “ ‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.’ ”

The words fell on Laura like so many rocks, but she shielded herself from them. She had a right to judge Brad. Not for his past, but for not telling her sooner.

Bella Joy continued. “ ‘… For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.’ ”

“Whew! That’s a lot.” Amy sat back and lowered her Bible to her lap. “I mean, that’s a pretty impossible list.”

“Without God.” Anna’s face was pensive. “It’s the same lesson my husband’s been teaching the kids in his youth group. It’s impossible without divine help.”

“But just imagine if everyone lived like that.” Bella Joy moved to the edge of her seat. “Forgiving each other, not judging or condemning.”

“Sounds like heaven.” Nelly smiled, but there was defeat in her expression. “I’ll work on that list as long as I’m breathing. I’m not sure I’ll ever really get it.”