Shades of Gray: A Novel of the Civil War in Virginia (17 page)

Andrea looked up at him, her eyes questioning.

“I wish I could stop the hands of the clock,
right at this moment.” Daniel gazed at her intently. “Though I suppose I would
have as much success stopping Father Time as stopping
you
.”

Andrea laid her head upon his chest. “Oh please,
Daniel, don’t speak about time. Nowadays there is never enough of it.”

“I know,” he said, running his hand down her
back. “But I cannot help but wish this evening might last forever, that you
would not go.”

“Please don’t be angry with me, Daniel.” Andrea
put her hands on his arms and clutched his coat with her fingers. “Truly, I
cannot bear it.”

“I’m not angry. I only wish you would
reconsider.”

“But what would I do here?” Andrea asked
dejectedly, her cheek against his coat.

“You could let me protect you, care for you, the
way a man cares for a woman.”

Andrea looked up at him. “Why would you wish to
do that for me?”

Daniel smiled. “Andrea, you are a woman, are you
not? I am a man.”

“But you said I was only a child a few minutes
ago.”

Daniel frowned and stared into her eyes. The
look softened when his eyes rose to the chignon on the crown of her head. Her
hair, which had always been cropped short when she was in camp, had grown much
longer during her months in Richmond.

“Take down your hair,” he said.

Andrea blinked and tried unsuccessfully to read
the expression on his face. She was only too happy to comply and free her hair
from the uncomfortable style. But she demurred for a moment.

“Might that be an order from my superior? Or a
request from a friend?”

Daniel lowered his eyes as if losing his
courage, then raised them again and grinned. “Let’s say it is both. So if you
cannot obey the one, perhaps you can grant the other.”

“Then it would seem I am doubly obliged to
consent.” Leaning back against his strong hands, she pulled the single comb
from her hair and unwrapped a green ribbon. Shaking her head once, she let the
river breeze pick up the soft locks and blow them gently back.

“I’ve dreamed of seeing you like this,” Daniel
whispered, running his fingers through the blonde tendrils.

“You think of me?” Andrea looked up
disbelievingly, her hands holding onto the lapel of his coat. “Like this?”

Daniel smiled out of the corner of his mouth and
dropped his gaze down to meet hers. “More than an honorable man would care to
admit,” he said hoarsely.

Andrea’s cheeks grew warm at the attention, and
she was suddenly breathless and warm and confused.

Daniel’s gaze drifted back to her hair, and
again he ran his hand through its length, staring as if unable to grasp how a
recurring dream had suddenly materialized into reality. Andrea saw him swallow
hard, felt his hands move from her hair, to her neck, to her face.

“Andrea,” he whispered, just before his lips
lowered to hers. He barely touched them at first, an action that appeared to be
nothing more than a cordial impulse. But then he lingered in a long, sensual,
affectionate kiss that implied much more than simple friendship.

Andrea pulled back, her eyes wide. “Dan,” she
said, her fingers clutching his arms. “You move too fast.”

 “My apologies,” he whispered, his chest rising
and falling heavily against hers, his arms refusing to relinquish their hold.
“As you said, time is so fleeting these days. It is that which dictates the
pace.”

Andrea relaxed into him, sensing his urgency and
feeling helpless to resist. “But I—”

“My dear Andrea. I will try to go slow,” Daniel
whispered, his arms wrapped around her protectively. “But you must know I …
adore you.”

“I am unfamiliar with this,” Andrea said softly,
confused at her own emotions, hoping he would understand that men had been
nothing but comrades to joke with, fellow soldiers to be ridiculed by, or
officers to take orders from. Then her thoughts drifted to her father, the only
other male figurehead in her life. “My father,” she began, trying to explain.
“My father showed me a side of men that I … that I …”

Daniel tightened his grip around her. “Then I
would be honored to be the one to make you familiar with the other side of a
man.”

Andrea lifted her head, wanting to read his
eyes.

“I want to protect you from everything and stand
ready to take every possible burden off your shoulders. You will let me try,
won’t you?”

“I never had anyone wish to take care of me.”
She gripped his coat, her heart racing. “I don’t know how.”

 “Do not fear,” Daniel whispered, his hand
moving to the small of her back. “I will teach you.” He held her gently but
firmly, like he was calming a frightened horse.

Andrea tried to keep the distrust from showing
on her face. But memories of her childhood came crashing back.

 “Andrea, please know I will protect you with my
life, guard you with my honor, if you will but let me.” He placed her hand over
his heart. “Can you not feel my desire for you?”

Andrea gazed at her hand as she felt the rapid
pulse there, and then up into his eyes. “Yes, Daniel. And it frightens me.”

“I was unaware you felt fear.” He laughed, a
gentle, rolling laugh, and pulled her to him again.

“I don’t know what I feel anymore,” Andrea said,
her voice cracking with despair.

“I know you would not have traveled all this
way, risked so much, if you did not care for me,” he said. “If you cannot trust
me, trust your own heart, Andrea. Don’t fight it. I will attempt to win your
heart
and
your trust.”

Andrea leaned into him. “I can promise nothing.
But I will try.”

“Your being here is like a dream come true,” he
said, stroking her hair. “It will sustain me for what is to come.”

Andrea pushed herself back at his words.
“Promise me you won’t take any risks, Daniel! This battle. You must not—”

He put his finger to her lips to stop her. “We
will take Fredericksburg, and then we will go to Richmond. And I will
personally carry you away from there, and all this madness will end.”

Andrea put her head against his chest again. “My
knight,” she said smiling. “I will wait for you there.” She sighed deeply then,
thinking of the distance between them. “We will be but fifty miles apart. Yet,
it will seem we are separated by eternity.”

“Here.” Daniel pulled a ring from his finger.
“Take this. My grandfather gave it to me when I was a boy. It means much to me.
And it would mean much more if you wore it.”

“I cannot accept such a gift,” Andrea said
softly, staring at the ring. “It belongs in your family.”

“I trust that you will justly value it on that
account,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “And perhaps, someday, we can arrange to
have it stay there. Please.” He opened her hand. “It would give me much
pleasure to know you had something of mine to look at each day, something that
is only shared between you and I, so that you understand there is no one else
for me.”

He slid the ring onto her finger. “But, I don’t
know what I’m promising with this.” Andrea’s voice shook. “I don’t know if I
can—”

“All you are promising is that you will think of
me when you look at it.”

“That I can do.” Andrea smiled. “And I will
value it dearly.”

“It’s a part of me.” Daniel’s voice was low, his
eyes soft and solemn.

“Then I shall feel like you are with me always,”
Andrea said. “I will never remove it, no matter what. It is a part of me now.”

“This is better than running, is it not?” he
whispered in her ear.

Andrea sighed. “You will be patient with me,
Dan? You won’t rush me?”

“My darling, Andrea,” he said, squeezing her
tightly. “I will do anything for you. I will submit to any conditions you
desire, for as long as you will allow me to.”

Andrea exhaled and laid her head against his
heart. The wool of his coat rubbed harshly against her face, yet she felt so
comfortable there within his embrace. In the circle of his arms, she was the
most fulfilled and satisfied she had ever been in her life.

For a moment, she thought how easy it would be
to stay, to try to become the woman he wished her to be, to forget the past.
And then she pulled away, panicked at the idea that she would renounce all,
simply for this feeling of utter contentment.

“We have to
write that report,” she said, a hint of desperation in her voice.

Daniel stared at her a moment, bitter
disappointment evident in his eyes. “Of course,” he said unable to keep the
distress from his voice, though he made an obvious effort to sound agreeable.
“As you wish. Follow me.”

Chapter
16

“War requires sacrifice and men are ready to pay it in their
blood.”

– Colonel Thomas S. Garnett to his wife, Emma

Fredericksburg, Virginia

December 15, 1862

Andrea stared straight ahead as the carriage
wheels rattled beneath her, clutching the message that had arrived hours
earlier.

“Brother wounded,” was all it said. It did not
say “come,” yet she knew what it meant. Brother was the code name for Daniel.
And they would not have taken the trouble to send the message if it was not
serious.

As she
nervously played with the ring on her gloved finger, Andrea thought back to her
last meeting with Daniel only a few weeks earlier. The visit had been so
hurried, she’d never had the chance to question him about the large ‘H’
engraved in the ring’s center, or the intricate lettering of the phrase:
Honor
Above All Things
.

She longed
to ask him about his grandfather, about his family, and his life. She knew so
little about Colonel Daniel Delaney, and he so little of her. She yearned to
learn about his past—and, perhaps, in time, share a little of hers.

Shifting her gaze to the window, Andrea shivered
at the sights. All along the road walked bandaged and bloodied men with the
litter of war strewn beyond them. According to soldiers they had passed, a
hospital just ahead held the worst of the injured. Andrea found herself holding
her breath, willing the horses to go faster and praying she would find Daniel
safe.

After what seemed like hours, the carriage
rolled to a stop. Andrea stepped down before the driver had time to assist, and
lifted her gaze to the building in front of her.

“This is the hospital, miss. Will there be
anything else?”

Andrea heard the words but could not answer. She
stared at the house, unblinking and unmoving, placing her hand on the carriage
wheel to steady herself as the past collided with the present.

The brightly
lit mansion where she had spent a few hours of serenity with Daniel stood
before her now ruined and ravaged by war. Even the lawn, once neat and well
groomed, appeared as a vast swampland of muck. She turned her head away, toward
the river, but the wreckage was no less devastating in that direction.
Scattered everywhere, seemingly unaware of the chaos and mayhem around them,
laid men indistinguishable from the dead.

Andrea choked back the bile rising in her throat
and slogged through the mud to the house. Rushing up the steps, she stopped in
horror at the doorway. The walls and floor of the home were spattered with
blood, and the injured and dying lay sprawled in every available space, many of
them shivering convulsively with the pain of their wounds. Andrea could hear
surgeons in the back of the house shouting above the din of delirious cries
that made her bones ache with revulsion.

Lifting her skirts, she stepped through the
foyer, frantically studying the faces of the men at her feet. None appeared to
be Daniel, though many were so covered in blood and mire that it was almost
impossible to tell. Turning into a room off the hallway, a whimper of anguish
escaped her. Lying on a door placed upon four bricks, she recognized the
uniform of an officer.

Andrea dropped to her knees beside him and took
his hand in hers. “Daniel, are you awake?” She wiped the sweat from his brow
with her glove. Daniel opened his eyes, stared at her face for a moment, then
re-closed them. Andrea feared he did not recognize her.

“Am I … in heaven?” he asked weakly.

Andrea thought she saw a hint of a smile on his
lips, but dismissed it as her imagination. “No, you’re not in heaven.” She
glanced up at the corner of hell she sat in, then bent down close to his face
and stroked his forehead.

“You’re not
…
an angel?” This time Andrea knew he was
trying to smile.

 “Not according to the Rebels.” Andrea took both
his hands in hers and squeezed them gently.

Daniel remained quiet for a breathlessly long
time, but Andrea knew he was only mustering the strength to speak.

“You have … come … to me,” he murmured.

“Dan, of course I came.” Andrea’s heart picked
up its pace at how pale and despondent he looked. “I came as soon as I received
word! I’ll stay and nurse you until you are completely healed.”

His eyes fluttered open, but only for a moment.
“I believe … too late … for that.”

Andrea’s gaze shifted down to the blanket lying
across him, to the large red splotch near his stomach. She bravely looked back
up to his eyes.

“Don’t be silly,” she said, stroking his
forehead. “I will nurse you until you are completely healed. You will see.”

“Surgeon … said … nothing he … can do.”

Andrea looked at his strained face and blinked
at his words, refusing to believe they were true. Yet she felt her blood begin
to throb with a faster cadence through her veins as the reality of what he said
sank in.

“No, Daniel, don’t say that. He doesn’t know.
Like I said, I will stay!”

 “We made …
good team,” he said, interrupting her. “I hoped someday …”