Shadow Heart (26 page)

“Alexander broadcast the event all around the world,” she explained. “I watched, from Rome, as they led you to the pyre. The last thing I saw, before they cut the feed, was him, standing tall as a tower before the other members of Specter, ready to fight to save you.”

Grace’s eyes moved to the ceiling, unfocused, “I wish that was the last thing I saw. It should have ended there. We could have escaped the Square and fought on. With the return of Elijah Charity, I might even have found a symbol with which to hold Silent Thunder together. We wouldn’t have had to flee Alexandria. The other commanders and their people might not have died. And I...I might not have...” Her eyes glazed over and she shook her head. Liz allowed several seconds to pass in silence, but Grace did not go on.

“You might not have lost him,” Liz finished.

She grimaced, “It’s selfish, I know. All the other things that have happened, all the lives lost, chances shattered...and the only thing I can think about is what he and I might have had.”

Liz ignored the unpleasant sensation in her stomach. Jealousy? Even now, when 301 had been dead well over a year? Or perhaps, not jealousy...regret. Once there had been a chance for her and 301, but she had betrayed him. She remembered the sight of him squaring off to face Specter, but that was not the memory seared into her mind.

It was when the edge of his blade withdrew from her neck and he stepped up to her in earnest,
I could have loved you, Liz, if only you’d given me time.

In that moment he was lost to her forever, even had he survived.

“You’re human,” she said, both to herself and to Grace. “You did the best you could in the time you were given.” It sounded hollow in her ears, but Grace nodded.
Perhaps it is true for her
, she thought bitterly.
But I’m just lying to myself. My choices always lead to ruin
.

“What was it like for you,” Grace said suddenly, “when you heard he had died?”

Liz sighed, “At first I refused to believe it. Growing up he was always this thing of stone, you know? Strong, unyielding. I always thought he would end up as MWR one day. But then as time went by, it slowly sank in. Not just that he was dead, but that I had been dead to him. That even if I wanted to, I could never apologize for what I did to him. I could never explain why.” She stopped, realizing that it was the first time she had spoken those feelings aloud.

Was this part of her plan, or did she already trust Grace that much?

“What about you?” Liz asked, eager to leave her own grief behind. “You were there and saw it happen. That must have been difficult.”

“Yes,” Grace nodded. “I saw the end of his fight with Derek Blaine. He was on his knees, Blaine’s Gladius through his shoulder. Napoleon Alexander descended from the royal dais, gun aimed at Elijah’s back. All I could do was watch. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life...not even when I woke up in that cage.”

She crossed her arms uncomfortably but still would not look Liz in the eye, “For a while I deluded myself with the possibility he was still alive. But I could only lie to myself for so long. I
watched
him die. Once I accepted it, it was like there was a hole in the world. Like a part of it that used to speak to me went suddenly silent.” She paused and let out a mournful sigh. “I thought I might notice it less as time went by, but every day that silence gets a little deeper.”

Liz studied her as the conversation hit a wall. For a moment she could see the pain Grace bore reflected plainly in her eyes, and then it was gone. She had locked it away again, hidden behind Shadow Heart’s calm and collected exterior.

It would be best not to press her further. Not today.

“We’ve been down here an hour,” Liz said, changing the subject. “At what point do we attempt to leave?”

“Soon,” Grace smiled. “Though I suspect they are listening to every word we say.”

“Right,” Liz said. “Well in that case, I apologize to the man I accused of being descended from a mole. I’m sure his mother is lovely.”

The commander chuckled softly, and as Liz sensed the camaraderie between them she realized just how much she had missed it. How long had it been since she had belonged...
anywhere
? Or felt close to anyone? Not since childhood. Even her time with 301 in Specter had been marred by Sullivan’s plan, and her allegiance to it. There was something about Grace that got to her...that made her want to be better.

“So why did you do it?” Grace asked, shattering the moment of levity. “What would you say to Elijah to make him understand?”

Liz grimaced, suddenly nauseous. That had only been rhetorical. Even if 301 were still alive, it would be hard to explain her reasons for betraying him. She doubted anyone else would understand the incessant need she had, and how she had allowed Sullivan to take advantage of that need.

But Grace would not back down, “You’ve asked me to trust you, to share my grief with you. Now I’m asking you to share your regret with me. Why did you join Sullivan?”

“He knew the location of my family,” Liz replied, resigned to the fact that Grace would never really trust her unless she knew the whole story. She looked down at the floor, embarrassed at how hollow the justification sounded in comparison to what she had done. “For an orphaned girl who never truly belonged anywhere, he might as well have offered me a palace made of gold. There’s nothing I won’t do to find them.”

“You mean you didn’t get what you wanted?”

Anger kindled in her chest, along with shame that she had allowed herself to be duped so easily, “He gave me their location, but the joke was on me. Where they are, I cannot reach.”

“Dead?”

“No,” Liz shook her head. “Domination Crisis Eleven. The World System still holds the barrier, and there is no way in. I asked for a ship, but he said it was suicide...and he was probably right.”

“So you stayed and became his Chief of Command. After he lied to you.”

“I had just betrayed everyone and everything I had ever known. I didn’t have many options.”

“Yet you refused to follow his orders and were cast out. What changed?”

Liz heard the real questions:
did
anything change? Are you still working for Sullivan, even now? Will you betray me?

“It was different this time,” she replied. “When I first came to Rome I had nothing and no one. Being cast aside would have been the same as a death sentence. But after a year as Chief of Command I had gathered a lot of friends...friends who tried to help me escape, and paid for that loyalty with their lives.” She gritted her teeth to hold back the sadness and guilt, “I will settle that debt with Sullivan, one day.”

Liz noticed Grace studying her closely, a perturbed look on her face. “You don’t believe any of this, do you?”

“It’s not that,” Grace said. “It’s just...you’ve gone through so much pain and compromise to find biological relatives that you’ve never met. Why?”

“To belong.” Liz attempted to go on, but voicing the deepest desire of her heart had an odd effect on her. Pressure welled up in her chest, her eyes glazed over, and her next words caught in her throat. She attempted to cover the overwhelming sense of loneliness with a smile, as she always did, but again Grace thwarted her. There was something in her eyes that demanded honesty. “I’ve lived in a world of constant danger, Grace, and I’ve never known any place to call my home. This is my only chance to change it.”

“And if you do find them and things don’t turn out like you want?” Grace asked carefully. “Family is so much more than blood. It is about trust and reliability, knowing that someone has your back and would die for you just as surely as you would for them. That kind of relationship can exist with relatives, but it is not a given.”

A pang of worry tugged at Liz, and not for the first time. It was a possibility she had considered but always dismissed. They had to accept her. They
had
to. “You might be right. But this is the only option I have.”

“It isn’t,” Grace said. “Instead of waiting helplessly for acceptance you may or may not find, you can choose to create it for yourself. Make your own bonds, forge your own trust, and become a part of a family just as true as any formed by blood.”

Liz paused, mulling over Grace’s meaning. “Are you trying to recruit me?”

“Silent Thunder is a family, of sorts,” Grace smiled sadly. “The only one I have left.”

“But I doubt you would put them on the same level as your father.”

“My father is gone.”

“But if you could bring him back, wouldn’t you do anything? Compromise anything? Maybe this is the same. The only difference is that my family is still out there.”

“I suppose,” Grace said. “Assuming, of course, that Sullivan was telling you the truth. I just hope that, if you find them, you won’t be disappointed…that you won’t regret the friendships and bonds of trust you betrayed to get there.”

Liz scowled and looked away. She had changed sides twice now, leaving behind people that trusted her, considered her their ally. There was no love lost between her and the Imperial Conglomerate or Specter, for that matter. But 301...his was the betrayal that would always haunt her.

“So what do you suggest I do?” Liz asked, more defensive than she intended. “Abandon it all and join the ranks of Silent Thunder? Give my life for a lost cause?”

“Sometimes it’s not about the success of the cause. What matters is that we fight for it, and that we stay true to those we fight beside.”

“Perhaps you’ve made peace with your father’s death,” Liz said, voice dripping with skepticism. “He died a hero, in your eyes. But what if we changed the scenario and it was 301 who was still out there? How far would you be willing to go? Who would you be willing to betray?”

Her words struck a chord, she could see it immediately. But had she gone too far? She marked the pain in Grace’s eyes and regretted the exchange. She had only been trying to make a point, not hurt her. She opened her mouth to apologize.

That was when the door swung open, and she jumped, hand on her Gladius. For a few minutes she had completely forgotten where they were, but her defenses snapped back into place as one of the men from the cave—Grantoro, she believed was his name—strode confidently into the room.

He spoke, surprisingly articulate for a man who looked to have never even seen civilization, “The danger is past. It is time for you to be on your way.”

D
EREK EMERGED FROM THE
shadows of the trees and breathed a long sigh of relief. Two days combing through the woods, sopping wet and frozen to the bone, made him happy to see the open air again. He would have preferred the comforts of civilization, but for now he would settle for a place where he could still see the sky.

The Halo would arrive for them shortly, but until then it was probably unwise to stop moving. The cold still bit at his skin, strengthened by his damp uniform. Hypothermia was no longer a danger, but moving at least kept the blood flowing.

Not to mention that he hated standing still.

His three companions trudged along with him in silence, so mindlessly obedient it was nauseating. Gentry had spoken his mind when asked, but now appeared content to be ignored, hanging toward the rear of the procession. No doubt he bore some anxiety from speaking out of turn earlier.

I’ll never defeat the rebellion with men like this.
Or perhaps it was not the men who were the problem. He thought back to Admiral McCall’s strategy to break down their training as World System machines. The man had turned out to be a traitor, but maybe he had been on to something. Specter General Marcus had been a part of that group, and he seemed to have no qualms speaking his mind.

And perhaps I should have listened.
The more distance he put between himself and the object of his vengeance, the more he came to realize what he had done. Defying a direct order from the MWR would have consequences. Silent Thunder had been so close, it had seemed the right choice at the time. But now, with nothing to show for it, he doubted Napoleon Alexander would agree. Once he found himself in the MWR’s crosshairs not even the family name would save him.

He squeezed his hand into a fist, hating the fear that rose up in his chest at the thought of facing the MWR. No man should be able to make him feel that. Ever. Especially not the man who shot his best friend in the back.

Oh, he blamed Grace Sawyer for 301’s death, there was no question. She had spoken her wiles into his ear, whispered those honeyed words designed to manipulate and deceive him. She had destroyed the man he knew, and he would see her pay for it.

But he could not forget that Napoleon Alexander pulled the trigger. He didn’t know how just yet, but he was determined that after he finished Sawyer, the MWR would pay as well.

He was so lost in thought, staring out into the primitive landscape, that he didn’t notice Gentry’s arrival at his side. “Grand Admiral.”

Something in the Specter Captain’s tone put Derek on edge. Gentry seemed distressed, and so his first thought was to search for enemies on the horizon. But all he found was the unending silence of the Wilderness, stretching out in all directions as far as the eye could see. When at last his attention fell back on Gentry, he registered the earphone he held in a trembling hand.