Shadow Reaper (Shadowlands Series) (7 page)

“So there is no fertile soil programme?” Bernadette asked.

“Oh, there’s a programme, a doomed programme, a placebo.” Blake sighed. “We had to tell them something. We figured that by the time they realise the truth, they’ll be too weak from hunger to do much about it.”

“You hope they’ll just lie down and die? What the fuck, Blake?” I stepped away from him. I could feel the disgust curling my lip and wrinkling my nose. I was not a quitter. “There has to be another way!”

Blake pinched the bridge of his nose and pressed his lips together before exploding. “Don’t you think we’ve explored every possible option? Ash, there
is
no other way. We’re fucked! Consider this the end of the human race. The people out there, the ones not lucky enough to make it in to Shelter, they’re all gone. Dead!”

“How can you be so sure?”

“You’re not the only Reaper team, Ash. We send scouts, every month. They always report back with something, some group of humans striving to survive out there. Last month . . . nothing. We’ve tried to reconnect with the other pockets. Shit, I’ve fucking spent every waking hour sending out an SOS, but all I get is static!”

“What about Leatherman?”

“Leatherman came from one of the last groups. He told us how they all died of some sickness, begged us for sanctuary. He had the kids with him and Lila saw an opportunity. He was an outsider. We could use him as our beacon of hope for the future. She allowed him in to Shelter in exchange for his help.”

“For his lies you mean,” Bernadette said. “Shit!” She spun on her heel, walked across the room, and then stormed back. “I’m not rolling over to die. No way.”

“We don’t have a choice. The Cusp has been reaped out.”

“The Cusp has, but . . . but what about Beyond . . . what about farther?” I asked the question, my mind whirring with the possibility, my chest aching with the need to find out.

Bernadette broke the silence with a chuckle. “Now that’s what I’m talking about. Why the hell didn’t you just think of that?”

Blake looked up and met my eyes for the first time, and I saw the answer in them as clear as water. They had thought of it. They’d thought of it and discarded the idea.

“Why, Blake? Yeah, it’ll be dangerous, but it’s worth the risk. If we’re going to die anyway, then why not take the risk?”

He glanced at the door and then the Eye: the bank of monitors that showed every inch of the outside, every inch of the inside.

“Because then we die sooner.”

“What? What are you on about?”

“Look, Ash, you cannot tell anyone any of what I’ve just told you, especially not the next part, okay?”

“Yeah, fine, now spill.”

“If we send anyone farther than the Cusp, then we break the treaty and
they
will attack.”

I stared at him as if he’d just grown two heads and begun to dance the salsa. “You have a treaty with . . . with
them
? How the hell?”

“You know when they left us alone all those years ago? Well, the seven founding families approached their leaders for a treaty, some kind of peace so that we could exist unmolested. I don’t know the ins and outs, just that the Shadowlanders agreed. They gave us the Cusp and left us be.”

“Some treaty! They took most of the stuff in the Cusp with them, not to mention the critters that keep coming through the Horizon.”

“Those critters are ours, insects and crawlies affected by the Event. Trust me, the only real danger is in the Beyond.”

“Really? And what about the thing that attacked Ryder? That was no crawly, trust me.”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “That’s just the way it is.”

A treaty that basically locked us in a barren place and left us to starve. Yeah, some fucking treaty! “What if I went in alone? One human. I could be in and out in a few hours. I could get a lay of the land, see what they have over there. I know for a fact that humans desperate enough have migrated over there. When we were out there, when we were children, we saw people cross over, and they never came back. Maybe it’s time for a new treaty.”

Blake sat up. “The few odd stragglers probably died in the Cusp. If they got to the Beyond then they’d be dead, I’m sure. You can’t put us at risk like this. If things go wrong, what then? Then we all die, horrifically!” His words were negative, but his eyes glowed with the first light of hope and so I pushed.

“If I’m caught, I’ll claim to be a straggler from the slums. I’ll claim ignorance.”

“If you’re caught, they’ll kill you.”

“I’d rather die on my own terms then be a slave to fate.”

There was silence and I could practically see the gears in Blake’s head turning.

“Clay will never forgive me.”

I relaxed. I had him. “Clay doesn’t have to know. Listen, I’m always going off by myself, he knows that, so we’ll just let him think I’m on one of my sneaky runs. I’ll be back before he suspects.”

Blake’s eyes darkened. “And what if you’re not?”

What if you don’t come back?
That’s what he meant. In all honesty, it was probably the most likely scenario, so why the hell did I have a bubble of excitement in my chest? There was something seriously wrong with me.

“She’ll be back. I’ll make sure of it,” Bernadette said.

“What?” I shook my head. “No. You’re not coming.”

She chuffed. “And you’re going to stop me how?”

She had a point, but it wouldn’t matter, us against them. “If I don’t come back, you let Clay believe I died in the Under. I’m sure the council can come up with some kind of cover—a body that looks like me. From what you say, there’re plenty out there. Just don’t . . . don’t let him lose hope. If I don’t come back, let him believe in the future for as long as he can.”

Blake ducked his head and swiped at his eyes. “There’s a rotation change at midnight. A ten minute window when the Eye won’t be manned.” He turned away and fixed his eyes on the monitors again.

We were done.

So done.

***

I couldn’t face the pretence of a normal conversation with Clay. He knew me too well, and I wasn’t that good a liar. I was sure he would read my intentions on my face, that he would try to stop me, and that he would succeed. I told myself I was the strong one, the fighter, the brave one for going into the Shadowlands time and time again, but was it bravery when I ached to go? Surely bravely was conquering a fear, something Clay had done when he’d come to get me two weeks ago, getting so close to the Horizon that he could have touched it. Yeah, he thought I didn’t know about his fear, but I could read him just as well as he could read me.

He’d come to find me even though he was afraid. Clay was the brave one, not me, and if he decided to convince me to stay, I would buckle. The bravado would dissolve, and I would be the young girl who hid while her parents breathed their last, too afraid to watch them die.

I couldn’t face pretending that everything was normal, so I decided to bail on our meeting. I left him a note in his room saying I had a splitting headache and was getting an early night. It wasn’t his room, though. It was Blake’s room, although I could see traces of Clay everywhere. The socks kicked under the bed, the shirt draped over the chair, the hair clippings in the sink. Clay was such a slob. I chuckled to myself and then pressed my lips together as my chest filled with a strange, empty ache.

What if I never saw him again? What if I never got to hear him laugh or hold him? We’d been inseparable for nineteen years. He was the light to my shadow . . . what if I never made it back?

The door opened behind me and I jumped, swirling round to find Clay in the doorway.

“Hi.” Clay’s frown turned into a smile. “Ash, you’re early.”

I glanced at the note on his nightstand and he tracked my gaze, reached around me, and picked up the piece of paper.

I quickly painted a pained expression on my face as he scanned the note. His eyes darkened with concern and he shook his head.

“Of course. Go get some sleep.”

I nodded and moved toward the door, wanting to get away before my façade cracked, but my heart was in my mouth, and I needed to hug him, so I swerved and leaned in for what I planned to be a quick hug. But Clay wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I inhaled deeply, relaxing as his scent enveloped me.

“I love you, Clay.”

He tensed a fraction. “You all right, Ash?”

I forced a light laugh. “Has it been that long since I told you I loved you?”

His chest rumbled against my ear. “Love you too.”

Clay watched her leave and then stared at the note in his hand. His gut felt tight and squirmy. He was worried about her. This thing with Ryder must have really messed her up. She was his sister. It was his job to protect her, but he was learning that he couldn’t protect her heart. Her heart could be broken, she could be wounded and he was helpless to shield it. It made him feel vulnerable, useless.

He undressed for bed and crawled under the covers. He would speak to her tomorrow, really speak to her about her feelings, and Ryder, and moving forward. He couldn’t shield her heart, but he could help heal it.

I don’t know why I ended up outside Ryder’s room. He wasn’t mine; he belonged to Nina, but I had to see him one last time before I left. I didn’t know whether I’d be coming back and I needed to say goodbye, even though I couldn’t say those words exactly. I knocked twice. There was no response, and I was about to turn away when he opened the door. I stared up at him and tried my damnedest to ignore his bare torso; the hard abs, the smooth, taut pecs. I swallowed.

“Hi,” I said.

He grabbed my elbow, pulled me into the room, and slammed the door. “What were you thinking going into a quarantine room without the proper scrubs?”

“What?” I stared at him in confusion.

“Nina told me how reckless you were today. Damn it, Ash. You could have caught whatever they had.”

I stared at him. He was pissed at me for going to those children, for trying to comfort them in their last moments on this earth.

He was pissed at me?

I shook him off. “Your precious Nina doesn’t give a shit about me. In fact, I’m sure she’d throw a party if I got sick and died. Might be a party for one, a very quiet party so no one would know how happy she was, but it would be a celebration.”

Ryder’s lip curled in disgust. “How can you say such things about the woman I . . . about Nina?”

“Um, because they’re true. She doesn’t know me. All she knows is that you and I hang out, a lot, and I’m a hot, kick-arse Reaper chick, who could give her a run for her money any day. So, yeah, she probably wishes I was gone ‘cos she feels threatened.”

He was staring at me now, his eyes roving up and down my body as if seeing it for the first time. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “She has no reason to be threatened. I’m with her.”

Something about his words, the tone and the body language, didn’t ring sincere enough. I sensed the doubt, actually felt it like a tangible force in the room when he spoke. It woke something inside me. A sense of danger.

I was gone in a couple of hours. Who knew if I would ever see him again? I could actually die out there and that would be that. I’d never drink grog again, never have another orgasm . . . never have kissed him.

“I’m with Nina,” he said again.

Who was he trying to convince?

I realised in all the years we’d been friends, we’d never been alone like this, in his room, in my room, away from prying eyes. It had always been the mission, the Shadowlands, the training room, the dining hall.

This was a first and the tension between us was palpable.

“You’re not with Nina now.” I took a step toward him.

His eyes darkened. “Ash . . .”

I moved fluidly, stopping when we were mere centimeters apart. I could feel the heat of his body. My fingers ached to touch his bare skin. I kept my eyes locked on his, watching the play of emotion in their emerald depths, watching him fight the desire. He wanted me.

He fucking wanted me, the bastard. Then why had he never acted on it? I didn’t understand, and it was too late to figure it out now.

“Ash—”

“Shut up and kiss me,” I said. For a moment, I thought I’d pushed too hard, that I’d misread the situation, but my doubts were quickly banished.

He closed the distance between us and claimed my mouth in a desperate kiss. His hand cupped the back of my head, holding me in place as his mouth bruised mine. He pushed me back until I was pressed against the door, lifted me, wrapped my legs around his waist and ground his crotch into me. I gasped at the evidence of his arousal. Fuck, he was hard and large, and I needed that.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long, so fucking long.” He murmured before claiming my mouth again. I felt his fingers at the zip on my trousers and gasped as he rubbed against me. This was it. I had him, the man I had wanted for years. I had him and only one question kept going round in my head: if he’d wanted me for so long, why was he with Nina?

His fingers slid down the waistband of my trousers, and I grabbed his wrist.

He froze. “Shit,” he said. He stepped back, releasing me.

I stood against the door and did my zip back up.

He wouldn’t look at me now. His gaze was fixed on the floor hands on his head. “Shit. I’m with Nina. Dammit, Ash.”

What the fuck? Was he trying to make this my fault? “Don’t you dare pin this on me. You wanted me!”

He met my eyes, his own filled with burning anger. “’Course I wanted you! What fucking hot-blooded male wouldn’t? Your body was made for fucking, and I would have made my move ages ago, but then we became friends and . . . it didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to lose that. Fuck! I love you, Ash, as a friend, and yeah I would fuck you ’cos you’re hot but then what?” He shook his head. “I’ve been playing around for so long, but I never wanted to commit, not until Nina. With Nina, I feel like I’ve come home. I thought I’d done it, you know? Locked away the guy who just played around, and then this. You.” He turned away. “Just . . . go, please.”

His words filled my veins with ice. For a second I stood there frozen, processing. He never loved me, not in that way. He never wanted me, not romantically. I turned and slipped out of the room, leaving him to his guilt and angst.