Shadow Sister (12 page)

I don’t know if Thomas had set his sights on more than friendship back then. I still wonder whether he isn’t in love with me. He’s never said anything, never tried to kiss me, but I wonder.

After all these years, I still don’t really understand his behaviour. Perhaps that’s why Lydia didn’t like him. Understanding people was vital to her job, but she could never pin Thomas down. Right from the start she told me to avoid him, which was a good reason for me to keep inviting him to my birthdays and to see him more often.

All of a sudden Thomas looks over and our eyes meet. I gesture as though I was about to knock on the window, but I know he saw me standing there, staring at him.

I open the door with a wide grin. ‘You been sitting here long?’

‘About an hour.’ Thomas puts the paper down, stubs out his cigarette and comes inside. He starts to set up the coffee machine. ‘Want one too?’

‘I was about to make something to eat.’

‘First coffee.’ Thomas spoons the coffee into the filter and fills up the water container. ‘What were you going to eat?’

‘Pasta maybe.’ I lean against the counter and watch Thomas’s preparations. ‘Are you staying for dinner?’

‘Sure.’

‘Then I’ll start cooking.’ I get out a packet of macaroni and a jar of sauce.

‘First coffee.’

Thomas watches the water running slowly, spluttering like an engine having trouble starting. He stands there until the very last drop has fallen and fills up a mug. In the meantime, I’ve put a pan of water on the stove and I’m frying a mixture of minced meat, herbs and onions.

‘Why didn’t you open the door right away?’ Thomas asks without looking at me.

That’s what Thomas is like, he cuts to the chase, no messing around. We’ve always been like this with each other and so I give him a straight answer.

‘I thought it was a bit strange that you were sitting there like that. I was wondering why you were waiting.’

‘Because you weren’t here,’ Thomas says matter-of-factly. He gulps the coffee. It must be burning hot, but he drinks it as though it’s a pint of beer. In between sips he looks at me, then says, ‘You were thinking about something, weren’t you?’

‘About you and Lydia.’

‘Me and Lydia? What do you mean?’

‘I just think it’s a shame that she never got to know you like I do.’

Thomas shrugs. ‘You mustn’t worry about that. What other people think really isn’t important.’

‘She is, was, my twin sister. It was important to me.’

We are standing quite close, facing each other, Thomas with his coffee and me with the frying pan. The kitchen is filled with the smell of caffeine, herbs and meat cooking. And with Lydia’s presence. It’s as if the air solidifies, like she’s wormed her way between Thomas and me. Without thinking I step back.

‘What is it?’ Thomas asks at once.

‘I…nothing. It’s nothing. Would you lay the table?’

I turn around to the counter and get out a tin opener. My confusion must be visible because Thomas looks at me with concern.

‘You looked odd suddenly. What is it? Did it feel like Lydia was nearby again?’

I’d told him about it over the phone a few days before. It doesn’t sound as if he thinks I’m crazy, but still I nod with some hesitation.

‘She came and stood between us. That must sound idiotic.’

Thomas sits down at the dining table and pats the wood. I sit down opposite him.

‘Elisa, I know you need to think that Lydia is nearby. I also understand that you’d like to go on believing it for the rest of your life, but it’s time to face up to reality.’

Cold, empty disappointment. ‘What do you mean by that?’

‘I mean—’ Thomas begins but I don’t let him finish.

‘You believe that everything stops with death. That the world is only for the living, and that one day you simply stop existing.’ My voice sounds shrill.

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘When you die your blood stops circulating and everything stops, indeed. Death is death. Lydia isn’t here anymore, Elisa. You have to get on with your life.’

‘I am doing that. I am getting on with my life. I—’

‘You’re walking around in a dream world,’ Thomas interrupts. ‘I understand that it’s a survival mechanism, but it has to end some time. When your sister was alive she had too much influence over you and I can’t bear to see her carrying on controlling your life after her death.’

‘Where did you get that idea from? She’s not controlling me, she’s consoling me!’

Thomas leans forward over the table and rests his hand on mine. ‘It’s normal to deny that you’ve lost someone for good. Believe me, I know what it’s like. I went through the same thing when my father committed suicide. It’s not a bad thing to convince yourself otherwise, or you risk going mad with grief, but you’re going too far. Do you know what I think the problem is? That you got so used to Lydia telling you what you could and couldn’t do that you don’t know what to do with your freedom.’

I don’t get angry. I don’t yell. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I’d hoped that Thomas would be open to this kind of thing.

‘I didn’t make it up, she really is there.’ My voice shakes slightly and because Thomas is looking at me with such an exhausted pity I leave it at that. I should have kept it to myself.

‘Are you angry now?’ Thomas asks quietly.

I look up at him, into the warm brown eyes of a friend who only means well.

‘No,’ I say with difficulty.

‘I had to say it.’ Thomas spreads out his hands, a gesture of helplessness.

I nod.

‘So we’re still good friends?’ Thomas takes hold of both of my hands.

I nod again and he smiles.

‘One question,’ I say.

‘Yes?’

‘Do you really think that Lydia dominated me?’

Thomas looks into my eyes. ‘Yes.’

Of course he’s right. It’s not the first time it’s been said. But actually, Lydia’s domineering personality didn’t really bother me. It was always well intentioned and when it came down to it, I always did what I wanted. Some people interpreted my silence as submissiveness, but it wasn’t that bad.

Lydia didn’t like Thomas or Sylvie, although I did my best to convince her that she was wrong. I tied myself in knots trying to keep them away from each other at my birthday parties. I defended one to the other and worried about everyone’s welfare but my own. I stayed friends with Thomas and Sylvie despite Lydia. I made my own decisions.

What did Thomas say just now? That I’d become so used to taking Lydia into account that I don’t know what to do with my freedom?

That was a nasty comment.

‘Do you feel like going into town?’

It’s Saturday morning before ten, and I’m still wearing my dressing gown when Elisa calls.

‘I’m not even dressed, you madwoman.’ I yawn.

‘Not right this minute, this afternoon maybe,’ Elisa says. ‘Have you looked outside? The weather’s beautiful. Weather to sit out in. I think you need a bit of that.’

The sun is shining in full force and I have to admit she’s right.

‘Raoul and I have to do the shopping first. Shall we meet at one?’

‘In front of De Bijenkorf?’ Elisa says.

‘See you there, sis.’

I bump into Raoul on the landing, he’s already washed and shaved.

‘Who was that?’ he asks.

‘Elisa. We’re going shopping this afternoon.’

Raoul frowns. ‘Shopping? But I have to go out this afternoon.’

I walk past him into the bathroom and turn on the shower. ‘Where? You didn’t mention it before.’ I step under the warm stream and raise my face in enjoyment.

Raoul stands in the bathroom doorway. ‘To the gym. I train every Saturday, remember?’

‘You haven’t been going recently. I thought you were going in the evenings instead,’ I shout above the sound of the splattering water.

‘That’s right, but I wanted to go at the weekends again as well.’

I feel the storm coming and begin to feel miserable.

‘Go when I get back then.’

‘I can’t, I’ve arranged to go with someone.’

‘Me too, and I said it first so you look after Valerie.’

‘She can go with you and Elisa, can’t she?’

‘You can’t be serious,’ I scoff. ‘Have you ever tried going round the shops with a child of six? Why don’t you take Valerie with you now to the supermarket, so that I can go into town. I’ll give Elisa a quick call. What time do you want to go to the gym?’

‘Three o’clock,’ Raoul says.

‘We’ll be back before then. Is that all right?’

‘That’s not going to work. I’ve got to drop into a client’s beforehand.’

I turn the shower off and open the cubicle doors. I don’t believe it. ‘On a Saturday?’

‘It’s a customer from abroad. He arrived late yesterday and is going to Germany this afternoon. If I don’t speak to him before then, I’ll forfeit a very good deal.’

I wrap a towel around myself and observe Raoul silently.

‘What’s this customer called? Do I know him?’

‘No, he’s a new one. Ernst Riebe. He’s the owner of a big food manufacturing company. It would be really nice if we could get him on board, Lydia.’

I dry myself and brush my hair, stark naked. I see only worry in Raoul’s eyes, not desire.

‘You say it like Software International will go bankrupt if you don’t get this contract.’

‘Things haven’t been going so well with the business recently, Lydia,’ Raoul says.

I look at him, uneasy. ‘How bad is it?’

‘We can hold out for a while, but we do need a couple of big earners soon.’ Raoul sighs.

‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’

‘I’m telling you now. And you’ve had other things to worry about the last few days.’

My thoughts return to Bilal. The rest of the week passed without incident. It’s over, it’s in the past. He probably just wanted to get me back. Hopefully he thinks he’s even now and he’ll leave me alone. I’m going to have a nice time shopping this afternoon and no one is going to spoil it, not Bilal and not Raoul. On the other hand, if Software International isn’t going so well…I’ve never seen Raoul so worried.

‘Should I talk to my father? I’m sure he’d give the company a financial injection if worst comes to the worst.’

‘No,’ Raoul says abruptly.

‘Well, all right then.’ I walk past Raoul into the bedroom.

‘Off you go to your client then,’ I say as he watches me get dressed. ‘We’ll take Valerie with us. She does need some new clothes.’

Raoul’s face brightens. He pulls me to him and kisses me. ‘What did I do to deserve such an understanding wife?’

‘As long as you appreciate it. And you realise that I’m going to have to go to the supermarket on my own as well now.’

‘I’ll cook tonight,’ Raoul says at once. ‘I’ll cook all week long.’

‘Deal,’ I say, because I really hate cooking. ‘Do you have time for a coffee?’

‘A quick one. I have to leave in fifteen minutes.’

‘In your jeans? Shouldn’t you wear a suit?’

‘Not on a Saturday,’ Raoul says. ‘Ernst Riebe isn’t that formal.’

Only once we’ve had coffee and Raoul has left do I realise that Ernst Riebe may well be a casual dresser, but that would never have been sufficient reason for Raoul to go to a business appointment in jeans before.

When we arrive at De Bijenkorf, Elisa’s waiting for us outside. I see her through the tram window, wearing dark green combat pants and a shirt in the same colour, as though she might be called up to defend her country at any moment.

Shaking my head slightly, I take Valerie by the hand, cross the Coolsingel Canal and wave to Elisa. A tramp is talking to her, pulling up his trouser leg to show her an unsavoury bandage.

‘I don’t want to bother you, madam, and I don’t want to frighten you,’ I hear the beggar say, ‘but I can’t work and I wanted to ask you.’

Elisa looks to me for assistance. I examine the fake blood colouring the bandage. ‘If you don’t want to bother anybody then don’t. You can see she’s frightened.’ I push two euros into his hand, link my arm through Elisa’s, grasp Valerie’s hand and lead them through the revolving doors of the department store. We walk into a world of refined perfumes and expensive sunglasses.

‘That wasn’t real blood, was it?’ Elisa wonders out loud.

‘Of course not, you could see that. Hello sis!’ We pause to give each other a kiss. ‘Do you mind that I brought along Valerie? Raoul had to go out so I didn’t have a choice.’

‘Of course not, what difference does it make?’ Elisa smiles down at Valerie’s blonde head. ‘Hey shrimp! You’ve got nice pigtails today,’ she says and Valerie smiles back.

‘I don’t think she’ll be able to handle too much shopping,’ I say.

‘Me neither,’ Elisa says. ‘I can hardly keep up with your pace either, so it’s a good thing Valerie has come along.’

She winks at Valerie, who has heard every word, of course, and tries to return the wink, blinking with both eyes.

‘I need new clothes, Elisa,’ Valerie says. ‘Do you too?’

‘Not really, so we’ll do some nice shopping for you,’ Elisa answers.

‘And for Mummy,’ Valerie says.

‘Mummy doesn’t need anything either, she’s got wardrobes full of clothes,’ Elisa says. ‘That way we’ll be done quickly! Shall we find a nice cafe right away?’

‘Yay!’ Valerie shouts, but I intervene.

‘Absolutely not, we’re going shopping first. And where do you get the idea you don’t need anything, Elisa? You haven’t got a stitch to wear. I always see you in those army pants.’

Elisa shrugs her shoulders. ‘They’re comfortable.’

I sigh and continue through the store with my daughter and sister trailing behind me. We take the first escalator and as we zoom upwards, I turn back to my sister. Suddenly, in a split second, I think I see Bilal downstairs among the shoppers. A grim face with dark eyes stares up at me. I’m so startled I have to cling to the rail, but when I try to get a better look, he’s vanished.

‘What is it?’ Elisa turns her head and follows my gaze.

‘Nothing.’ I recover quickly. There’s no reason that Bilal shouldn’t be in the Bijenkorf. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

Two Muslim girls are walking towards us, covered from head to toe. One of them is wearing a pair of white linen harem trousers, combined with a pale-blue long-sleeved shirt and matching headscarf. The other has on a long pink flared skirt with a pink jacket, a white handbag from Guess and, of course, a matching headscarf. They look fresher, more modern and attractive than my sister.