Shallow Pond (23 page)

Thirty-Three

I went to school each day and sleep-walked through my classes. Even though I was staying with Jenelle, and even though I saw Jenelle and Shawna as well as Zach every day, I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. Jenelle's mom drove me to the hospital each afternoon. The rides were long and silent, and then I went and sat in the room with my silent sister. Sometimes I told her about my day, but mostly I sat there listening to the whir of the machines, making deals with God about when she would open her eyes. But God never held up his end of the bargain.

One afternoon I stepped into her hospital room and found that I wasn't alone. The unruly white hair had been combed since I'd last seen it, and the dirty old bathrobe had been exchanged for old but respectable-looking clothes. He sat in one of the chairs at the end of her bed, and he looked up at me when I came in. His eyes were bloodshot and his face had the puffy look of someone who's been crying. That look in his eyes scared me. I looked quickly at the machines, but they all seemed to be chugging along just fine. Annie was still alive.

“You have to understand,” he said. “I never wanted any of this.”

“What were you thinking? Cloning some woman who had a disease that killed her?”

“I thought I'd fixed that,” he said. He rubbed his face and sighed. “We had a dog, a golden retriever, who had a genetically inherited issue. Hip dysplasia is a common occurrence with large purebred dogs.”

“Rose, Tulip, or Crocus?” I asked.

“No, this was their model, Daisy. I cloned her, but I used a procedure to fix the hip dysplasia in the process. The three cloned dogs never had any hip issues.”

“The dogs were clones,” I said. Of course—it made sense now. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before.

“Yeah. And they were fine. So I thought the three of you would be fine. No one was supposed to get sick.”

A part of me wanted to trust this man, wanted to believe he wasn't just some selfish jerk, but there was too much ugliness to easily ignore it.

“Why do it at all?” I asked. “I just don't understand.”

“Because I had the means to give her another chance,” Donald said. “It wasn't fair what happened to her, and I wanted to make it up to her, let her live her life all over again.”

To hear him say it, he was some sort of selfless saint, but I didn't believe it. “You didn't do it for her,” I said. “She was dead. You couldn't bring her back to life just by making some”—I glanced at the hallway to make sure no one was listening—“
copy
of her. Instead, you've forced someone else to go through the same torture all over again.” I waved my hand at my comatose sister.

“I didn't mean for this to happen.”

“You didn't do this for her,” I repeated. “It was never about Susie. If it was really about her, you would have simply let her die and not tried to play God. You did it for yourself, because you couldn't deal with losing her.”

“It's not something you could ever understand,” he said.

“But why
three
of us?” I asked. “Four, if you count Zach. Why do this to four people? What gives you the right?”

My voice had grown loud enough to attract the attention of one of the nurses, who poked her head in to ask if we were doing all right.

“We're fine,” I said. When the nurse left, I turned back to Donald. “You made this mess, and you're going to fix it.” Then I stormed out of the room and down to the hospital lobby, to pretend to work on homework for a while until I could visit Annie alone.

As I pulled a notebook out of my backpack, I saw the acceptance letter I'd shoved inside for safekeeping. I sat in the chair, folding and unfolding the letter. How could I go off to college with my sister in a coma? A morbid part of my brain thought that if Annie were to die, there would be nothing holding me in Shallow Pond, that it would make sense to go to school. But the more I thought about that, the less sense it made. Why spend four years at college when it was pretty much guaranteed that I only had a short time left to live?

Donald came by and took a seat opposite me without asking my permission. I shoved the letter into my backpack.

“You're so much like her,” he said. “I mean, not just looks, but you act just like her.”

“You don't even know me,” I told him.

“What was that paper?” he asked.

“College scholarship,” I said. He started laughing and I grew annoyed. How dare he laugh at me?

“Sorry,” he said when he saw the look on my face. “It's just that Susie was awarded a scholarship too, a partial scholarship, but it meant we would have had to separate. The school that gave her the scholarship was three hundred miles away. She didn't want to be apart. I tried to talk her into accepting it, although I wasn't too crazy either about us being apart for that long.”

“Well, see, I'm not like her,” I said. In that moment I'd made up my mind. “I'm going to accept the scholarship. There's nothing to hold me back.”

“That's good,” he said. He did look surprised, and I thought he was going to say something about Annie, the only reason in the world I'd ever stay in Shallow Pond, but he said, “What about Zach?”

It was my turn to laugh. “He's just some guy who goes to my school,” I said. “Some guy whose life is as messed up as mine.”

Saying it made it real. I wasn't obsessed with Zach. I felt surprised that I ever had been.

A few days later, almost two weeks after Annie first entered the coma, I was called out of class and asked to report to the main office. I took my time walking there. My heart was in my throat, and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out why I'd been called out of class. When I got there I saw Jenelle's mother waiting for me and felt my legs grow weak. She saw the look on my face.

“Barbara, she's awake,” she said.

The relief took its time making its way through my body.

The ride to the hospital had never felt so long. I was desperate to get there, worried that every second counted, that at any moment Annie would slip back into a coma and I would lose the chance to see her.

But we made it in time, and when I walked into her room Annie was sitting up in bed. She looked awful, but she was clearly awake. I ran to her and hugged her. Tears ran uncontrollably down my face.

“Hey,” Annie said, “knock that off. You're getting me all wet.”

I straightened up and smiled at her. My tears melted into laughs of relief. Annie just shook her head at me like I was crazy.

“They said I've been in a coma for twelve days,” Annie said.

“You have,” I said. “It was scary.”

“I can't remember anything.” She shook her head again. “The last thing I can remember was thinking I'd seen Dad's ghost at our door.”

I didn't want to talk about any of that, not now. I needed her to get better, and that wasn't going to happen if we focused on unpleasant things.

“I've decided to accept the scholarship,” I told her.

“That's good, Babie. I'm glad. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I made. My whole life has been one mistake after another. I'm going to leave this life with nothing but regrets to show for my time.”

“Don't talk like that!” I shouted. “You're not going anywhere. You're going to have plenty of time to make up for your mistakes.”

She sighed and turned away from me. She thought I was being foolishly optimistic, but I wasn't. Donald had figured out how to make us, and he could figure out how to fix us.

“Get out of Shallow Pond while you're still young,” Annie said.

“I'd spend my whole life here if it meant living to a ripe old age,” I said. “But it doesn't matter. We're both going to live our lives the way we want to. You'll see.”

She sighed again and made a big deal out of adjusting her blankets and pillow. I itched to explain things, to let her know about the secret weapon in my arsenal, but I knew I couldn't tell her without upsetting her, and that was something I didn't want to do just yet.

But then he walked into the room. Annie recoiled, gasping with fright and maybe confusion too. I spun around quickly and saw that Donald looked surprised. Perhaps no one had told him that Annie was awake.

“Get out of here,” I hissed, and he backed slowly out of the room.

“It's happening again,” Annie said. “I'm seeing things. I don't know what to do.”

“You're not seeing things,” I explained. “There's some stuff I need to tell you.” I sat down in one of the chairs and slowly told her about Zach, about realizing that he must be a clone of our father. I told her about finding the fake ashes, and then the address in her room, and then about going to track down the man who'd gotten us all into this mess.

“What have you done? Why would you do that?” Annie moaned. “He can't be trusted. Never allow yourself to be alone with him.”

“He's going to figure out a way to make you better,” I said. “That's why he's here.”

I sat with Annie until the nurses forced me to leave so she could get some rest. Donald sprang on me as I headed down the hallway. I jumped back, recalling what Annie had said about trusting him. His icy blue eyes were bright and manic-looking. The normally bustling hallway seemed way too empty.

“Have you eaten yet?” he asked. “Come have some dinner with me in the cafeteria. There's something I want to talk to you about.”

“My ride's waiting,” I said. “I have to go.”

He looked annoyed at this, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be anywhere near this man. I continued to back slowly away, heading in the direction of the nurses' station.

“I've got good news and bad news,” he said. “The good news is I've figured out how to fix her. How to fix Annie.”

I stopped backing up. He had my full attention now.

“Then what's the bad news?”

“The bad news is I won't be able to do it without your help.”

“How is that bad news? Of course I'm going to help.”

“Well, it means you aren't going to be able to accept that college scholarship. You'll have to stay here during the treatments, and it could take as long as a year.”

I thought of how he seemed to want me to be an exact duplicate of Susie, how he couldn't understand why I didn't want to stay with Zach, how he'd assumed I too would not make use of my college scholarship. And I remembered what Annie had said, that I shouldn't trust him. Had he actually figured out a way to fix Annie, or was this all some trick—a trick that would keep me around so that I could become his new Susie?

Thirty-Four

At lunch, Todd Jameson asked Shawna to the prom, which meant that of the three of us, I was the only one without a date. But it didn't matter. How could I possibly be worried about the prom when my sister was in a hospital bed, pretty much on the verge of death? Maybe I had the power to save her, or maybe the man behind my utterly messed-up life was just feeding me more of his twisted lies. But could I take that chance and be the one responsible for hammering that last nail into Annie's coffin? I didn't feel like I had a choice in the matter. I was stuck in Shallow Pond for at least another year, perhaps for all eternity.

But there was a prom coming up and I was supposed to be all excited about it. In fact, judging by the reactions of my friends, I was supposed to be freaking out that I didn't yet have a date. We still had more than a month to go before the big day, but by the way Jenelle and Shawna were acting it seemed like the fate of the entire world hung in the balance.

“I don't understand why Zach hasn't asked you yet,” Jenelle said for what must have been the fiftieth time. The school day was over and they were both waiting for me at my locker. Either I was moving too slowly or Shawna had to pee—she was dancing around and hopping from foot to foot, which couldn't have been easy in her platform sandals.

“It's not like we're a
thing
thing,” I said.

“I don't know what that means,” Jenelle said.

“It's just that it's kind of complicated. I can't explain.”

“You never can.” Jenelle sighed. “Look, anyone can see he's crazy about you. He's probably scared to ask you to the prom because he thinks you're going to say no. Guys hate rejection.”

“You say that like there's someone out there who likes rejection.”

“Boy alert, eleven o'clock,” Shawna said.

“Two o'clock,” Jenelle and I corrected her in unison, when we saw Zach walking toward me.

“It's about time,” Jenelle said. “Okay, catch you later. Call if you need a ride.” The two of them scurried away so that I could talk to Zach alone.

I was still seeing Zach every day at school. We said hi to each other as we passed in the halls or grumbled about our English teacher and her doddering ways, but mostly we didn't talk. We hadn't spent any actual time together since the night we'd tracked down Donald.

“I hear your sister's doing better,” Zach said.

“Yeah, well, as good as can be expected,” I said. I heard the bitter edge to my voice and tried to compensate for it by saying, “She's awake now, which is nice.”

“I feel like you've been avoiding me,” he said.

“I see you all the time.”

“You know what I mean.”

I couldn't meet his eyes, not because I was afraid he'd see through me, but because I was afraid of what I would feel. What if I looked into those eyes and I lost it? What if there was still some undeniable physical pull between us if I gave it a chance? We were made for each other, after all, and I remembered how I'd always lost control whenever I was with Zach.

He reached a hand out to grab my backpack, and I shied away. “Come to the pond with me,” he said.

“I should get to the hospital,” I said, but the truth was I wasn't sure if I was going to the hospital. I wasn't ready to give Donald an answer yet.

“I'll drive you over,” he said. “But first we need to talk.”

The surface of the pond still looked frozen, but there was water around the edges and I could tell the ice wasn't all that thick. It would all be gone soon. The weather was warm and the ground muddy, with only patches of dirty snow here and there. Even though the coming of spring should have been a happy thing, I felt sad inside.

I walked up to the edge of the pond. A breeze blew across it, carrying the cold off the ice. It felt like someone had opened a freezer door. I shivered, and Zach put his arm around my shoulders. I stiffened, but I didn't pull away from him.

“He's staying at a motel out near the university,” Zach said.

“Who?”

“Your father.”

“He's not my father.” The angry tone of my words surprised me.

“I went to see him,” Zach said. “We talked for a while. I know you don't like him, and I can't say that I blame you, but he isn't evil.”

“You don't know what he did to Annie,” I said.

“Actually, I do. He told me.”

“It was incest.”

“You yourself said he's not your father,” Zach said.

I glared at him. “Well, it's morally wrong, abusive. And you still think he's a good guy?”

“I didn't say that. He's got problems, Barbara. He was too much in love with Susie and never was able to get over losing her.”

“So, that makes what he did all right? Lots of people lose people they love and they don't go around creating clones.”

“If he hadn't, then neither of us would be here. Doesn't that sort of freak you out?”

“This whole thing freaks me out!” I screamed. “I wish that I wasn't here. I wish that I'd never been created by some mad scientist who couldn't just join a support group or something.” I removed Zach's arm from my shoulder and stormed back to his car. I didn't get in, though. I could see my reflection in the passenger-side window and it was like looking at Annie. I felt hot tears stinging my eyes. I thought of Annie in that stupid hospital bed and was reminded of how unfair her whole life had been. Donald was probably lying about being able to fix her—he probably didn't have a clue. But it didn't matter. If there was even a tiny little chance that I could somehow save my sister, I had to do it.

“I'm not accepting that scholarship,” I said.

“What?”

I wasn't sure if Zach hadn't heard me because I'd spoken so softly or if he was incredulous that I would turn down a free ride to college.

“I'm staying here in Shallow Pond,” I said. “I'm not going to college in the fall.”

“Listen,” Zach said. “If this is about me, there's something I think you should know.”

His response was so much like Donald's that I couldn't help myself. I spun around and shouted, “What is it with you two? Do you really think I'd stay in this crappy town because of some dumb boy? Do you really think I am that pathetic?”

Zach staggered a few steps backward, as if I'd physically taken a swing at him. I yanked open the car door and got in, slamming the door after me. A few seconds later Zach got in on the driver's side.

“I'm not staying in Shallow Pond,” Zach said. I wanted to tell him how that had no bearing one way or another on my plans, but he stopped me before I could say anything. “I always felt like I could never know entirely who I was because of that big, unanswered question about my origin,” he continued. “I imagined all the time what they must have been like, my parents. I figured that some day I'd find them, and then my whole life would come together and I'd finally understand who I really was. But now that I've found out where I came from, I'm still as lost as ever, maybe more so. I think I need to go somewhere, take some time to think things over to make sense of it all.”

“Are you going back to the convent?” I asked.

“No, not there. I don't really know where I'm going. I'm going to get in my car and drive, go as far as I can, or to wherever feels like a good place to stop for a while.”

I imagined Zach out there, driving down some endless highway against the backdrop of a clear blue sky. I was jealous. Why did he get to leave while I had to stay?

“It sounds nice,” I said.

“The thing is,” Zach said, “I'm going pretty soon. I made some arrangements to take final exams early. Donald helped me with that, actually, and, well … ” He looked down at his feet. For the first time, I saw a Zach who was entirely different from the boy I'd known. He looked nervous and unsure of himself. He looked the way a teenage guy was supposed to look, and it was oddly reassuring.

I smiled at him, in spite of myself. Maybe I'd fallen for Zach simply because I was biologically programmed to. Maybe he only became interested in me because it was embedded somewhere in his DNA. But a part of me wondered whether, if we'd been different people, kids who'd led perfectly normal lives, who didn't have some weird past life controlling our present life, we could have found each other and fallen in love anyway. I felt so cheated by the whole stupid thing.

“Look, it's not anything against you,” Zach said. “I like you, but at the same time, I feel like … ” He hesitated, and I jumped in.

“You feel like you don't know whether you like me be-cause of who I am, or because years ago our clones fell in love with each other.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I'm being stupid. It probably all sounds like some excuse.”

“It's not stupid,” I said. “As soon as I realized who you were, what you were, I knew I couldn't trust my feelings.”

“It sucks,” Zach said. “It really sucks.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “But remember, I just wanted to be friends anyway.”

This got him to crack a smile and even let out a short chuckle. I held my hand out to him.

“Friends?” I asked.

“Friends,” he agreed, and shook it.