Shampoo (31 page)

My bed, oblivion, ‘Moonlighting’
and pink champagne are the only things easing my pain right
now.

So Ever tried to deepen the kiss
and get me undressed, but I wouldn’t let him.

“
I’m feeling very
vulnerable and not confident right now – ”

He wrapped his arms tighter around
me and kissed me, hard. “Give me half an hour and I’ll make you
confident again.”

Why does that give me delicious
shivers now, just thinking about it??

Cause I’m mad for the
fucker.

I left soon after that.

God, I’d love nothing more than to
finally have him, really HAVE him. I’ve waited so long for this
night, to hear those words from him…

And now I don’t believe
him.

At one point he said he swears he
will never say the stuff he said to me last night again. The
horrible stuff. “I seriously could not bear how much I’d hurt you,”
he said, his voice catching, reaching out to scrunch his fist in my
hair.

Oh, go on then. Grow a fucking
heart now why don’t you. Just to mess me up further.

Graham emailed me today at work.
He sent me a picture of himself and the boys on a ride at Seaworld.
Like I’m his girlfriend or something. Kind of disturbed
me.

Work was SO BORING
today.

Me, Nat and Jules pissed ourselves
stupid at some stage over Dan’s constant drinking of pineapple
juice in the hopes Nat will give him a blow job.

(pineapple juice – according to
Dan – makes the guy’s semen taste better apparently. EW. Dan does
walk around the house constantly skulling from a pineapple juice
bottle. Now I know why, and wish I didn’t)

Julia and I were particularly
hysterical over it today, acting out scenarios, pretending to be
Dan.

“
Hey Dan, whatcha
drinking there?” I’d ask.

“
Pineapple juice, he he
he, so my woman will, YOU KNOW, get busy down there!!” Julia would
reply in a deep man’s voice, double winking salaciously.

Then we’d double over in
hysterics.

So funny.

Joy and I had a heart to heart
over the cubicle walls about Evvy and what I should do.

She thinks I should just jump
right in, give him a chance. Give love a chance.

She would think that!

Saturday 14 October
2000

7.15pm

I’m sipping a glass of pink
spumante (spew madly), eating chocolate, I’ve just had a shower and
got in my pj’s, and I’m curled up in bed with Giz, a beautiful
breeze blowing in through the open windows. The night is balmy,
like summer already.

I watched videos in bed all arvo –
‘Drive Me Crazy’

(with Adrian Grenier – yum!!!
Can’t wait till Hollywood sees what a star he is),

then ‘The Thomas Crown Affair,’
which we all know is my fav ‘new’ movie.

(Goonies will forever be number
one, of course!!)

Dan came home from soccer last
night, clutching a bottle of Astin Martini

(the only champers he will drink,
and kinda our thing now, we always drink it together)

and jumps into bed with me, and we
settled back for a coupla hours of drinking and
gossiping.

About Evvy, he said very little.
All he would tell me was that Evvy mentioned I was going to watch
Graham bowl today (Saturday). He wouldn’t tell me what else was
said.

Damn him. Since when does he keep
his mouth shut??

Then they’ve all gone camping
today, so I have the house to myself. It’s so nice. I’ve forgotten
how nice a house to myself feels!!

Evvy actually rang and invited me
to go camping with them all, but I already had plans.

Plus I did not feel comfortable
going. What if he acted like he normally does around everyone and
ignore me?? I would officially die and lose some more of my pink
shit.

So I said no.

So first thing this morning (like,
10.30am), Nat, Dan and I went to Indro, got some stuff for their
camping trip

(we ran into Beth and her sister
there),

then came home and I had to race
to get to Graham’s bowling finals at Greenslopes. I stayed there
till 2pm, then went straight to Mum’s, took her to the shops,
helped her with her shopping, then came home, got changed, went to
the gym. Made it there at 3.45, and slogged away till
5.15pm.

I needed to sweat!!

Josh and I had texted and arranged
to meet there, so that was good, having him there to chat to and
laugh with. He’s inherently a good guy, you know??

(how could he not be, we share the
same birthday!!)

As I was watching Graham today, I
wondered. Could he be my boyfriend? Do I care enough?

He’s a really good bowler. I had
no idea. Not that that has anything to do with boyfriend
potential.

All I see is Evvy
though.

After all he said, he’s only rung
ONCE, to invite me to camping.

But seriously, what was I really
thinking?? I know him by now.

And I know he can’t do
it.

Sunday 15 October
2000

9.14pm

Well, I’ve been to Evvy’s. I’m not
confused anymore.

I love him, I can’t help it. I’m
totally GONE. Lost to reason.

(wasn’t I always?? Reason is
always trying to find me)

And tonight has just shown me it
doesn’t matter what he does or how he acts, I’m going to put up
with it, because I want him so damn much.

I got there about 5pm, and we made
love like straight away, which was SO HOT and nice…then we played
around naked in bed for awhile, rolling around, teasing, kissing,
tickling, cuddling. I gave him a massage while he groaned the whole
time

(what must his mum and sister
think of us!!!!),

then we laid together, still and
serious and cuddling for ages.

Was heaven.

Then he got up suddenly

(okay, hours later, but sure felt
abrupt…we went from love cuddles to him jumping up out of bed, it
was all over)

and got dressed, so I decided it
was time to go home, cause I know ALL the signs from Everard now –
him getting dressed means love time is over. Stubborn asshole is
about to appear.

Plus I checked my Barbie watch and
knew ‘Moonlighting’ was about to start.

(I’m seriously OBSESSED with that
show)

So yeah, I was disappointed our
time was over, but happy to get home too, but I think THE IDIOT
mistook my next words as criticism and flipped his fucking
lid.

All I did was get up, get dressed,
and say, “Give me a cuddle,” and the freak completely lost it. He
totally flipped.

He got so crabby, said, “I’ve been
cuddling you ALL NIGHT, NO!!!!!”

Then I flipped out, too, over how
he had just reacted, we had this BIG FIGHT, which I think was just
both of us releasing our frustrations out on the other, both of us
fighting against being controlled by the other.

I seriously don’t see why he would
flip the fuck out like that over me asking him to cuddle me
goodbye, and I said

(screamed)

exactly that at him, multiple
times.

Words were said, and I
went to leave, except Evvy’s mum stopped me, and insisted on making
me waffles and icecream, and you know me and food – anyone stops me
to fed me, I stay!!

So me and Mrs Everard talked for
half an hour, just about life and everything in general, and it was
really nice. I haven’t really bonded with Evvy’s family, and I love
bonding with people.

I especially love bonding with
people that belong to people I stupidly love.

Her stupid son kept coming out,
stomping out into the kitchen, where I refused to look at him,
checking to see if I was gone yet, then stomping back to his room
and absolutely SLAMMING the door shut.

Evvy’s mum didn’t even flinch, not
once.

He seriously did this about 20
times. The stupid fucker.

It’s actually funny, thinking back
on it now.

He’s such a child!!!

So before I really
left, I thought I’d better go check on the big baby, even though I
SHOULD HAVE just left – there’s something very satisfying about
imagining him coming out for the 21
^st
time and seeing me gone. But I
checked on him, came into his room and said, “Was all that door
slamming for me??”

“
YES!!!!!” Ever
screamed.

“
Aw, thank you baby,
that makes me feel special – ”

And Evvy went OFF, AGAIN!!!! I’ve
never seen him that mad!

He was so pissed.

“
I’ve been SO FUCKING
GOOD, SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! And the ONE THING I DO, you BLOW OUT OF
FUCKING PROPORTION – ”

“
I just asked you to
cuddle me THE FUCK GOODBYE, cause I was LEAVING, YOU ASSHOLE –
”

I can’t even remember all that was
said. It just went on for SO LONG. Over a fucking
cuddle!

I must admit, he looked SO
GORGEOUS when he was all worked up.

There’s something about Evvy
angry…he’s just so hot all worked up!! And there’s no fear of him
beating you or anything…he’s the type of (good) guy you still feel
safe with, even if he’s furious with you.

There’s something kinda
heartwarming to me about that.

“
I’m glad you’re upset
for once!” I said, egging him on.

(I can’t help myself. Forever
trying to dig it into men)

“
This is the FIRST TIME
you’ve ever really PISSED ME OFF, made me this angry!!”

“
Get over it,
dude.”

“
WHY DON’T WE JUST END
IT OVER A FUCKING CUDDLE!!” he yelled.

“
Is that what you
want??”

“
No!” he cried, picking
up pillows off his bed and thumping them down in
frustration.

“
I’m tired of all
this,” I declared.

“
So you end
it!”

“
You’d like that,
WOULDN’T YOU!!”

“
NO!! I FUCKING
WOULDN’T!!!”

We just kept going round and round
in circles, neither of us just willing to just end the never ending
fight, and I finally said, “This is like the world’s biggest fight
over a fucking cuddle!! All I wanted was a fucking cuddle GOODBYE –
” and I broke then, defeated, sad, over all this up and down shit,
and I choked back a sob.

This look came over him then, soon
as he saw me near tears, this, like, LOOK OF LOVE. Regret that he’d
hurt me. Love for me. Was heartbreaking, the look on his face then.
He seemed to break at me breaking.

Ever said, “Come here,” and opened
his arms to me, and he looked so fucking gorgeous and in love with
me in that moment that my heart ached, it positively THROBBED, and
I stepped into his arms, where he cuddled me like he truly does
care. He stroked my hair, held my head, kissed my hair, and
growled, “I’m sorry.”

GOD. The way he held me, the way
he said sorry. I’ve never felt anything that heartfelt
before.

He meant it, he truly meant
it.

(no way was I fucking saying
sorry. For what???)

I muttered into his shirt, “I
don’t know what you want,” and he just held me tighter to
him.

“
This is ALL I want.
Just you,” I half cried, half spluttered.

He kissed me softly, and I pulled
away, said, “I’m going, before there’s another fight over something
stupid,” and I walked out.

I didn’t want to, the moment was
just beautiful. Like something from a movie…

But I was missing
‘Moonlighting.’

Wednesday 18 October
2000

8.15pm

I’ve been so busy. I had this
seminar after work Monday, didn’t get home till 9.30pm. Then last
night I went over to Evvy’s again.

I had a lovely night…no fights,
just a beautiful night together. He cuddled me, kissed me, had fun
with me, watched tv while cuddling me, made love to me.

He’s acting like a boyfriend
now!!!

Today I did another ten hour day,
so I’m stuffed right now. Renee gave me a ticket to the RAQ Fashion
Awards, so I’m stoked about that.

Nick rang me tonight. He’s nice, I
like him, but all I want is Evvy. I still don’t believe it or won’t
believe it, that I have him.