Shampoo (55 page)

Thursday 28 December
2000

9.34pm

I’ve been to Matt’s for dinner. Oh
my God, am I falling.

HARD.

And it scares me to
death.

My mind is all foggy. I’m so out
of it, from, GULP, love.

First of all, I went to Joy’s this
morning, sat around and had a big old gasbag. Told her all about
Matt.

She was squealing in
delight.

Damn woman. She eggs me on with
this love shit.

Then I took Pheebs to the 12pm
session of ‘Bring It On.’

I got home at 3pm and had to pack
and ring everybody, let them know, “Sayonara!! I’m going away for
New Year’s.”

Katrina got so upset with me when
I told her. Accused me of leaving her on New Year’s again, that
I’ve done it before.

(she was invited the last time!
But refused to go)

Then I just felt really bad for
disappointing her.

Nat wandered into my
room as I was packing. “We never see you anymore!”

“
I know, right?? It’s
crazy!” I was throwing any old thing into my fairy
suitcase.

“
Careful packing job,
as usual,” she observed. She was alluding to the time we went away
camping and I’d packed only winter clothes in the middle of summer,
and spent the entire time sweltering in tracksuits and jumpers.
“Where are you going, anyway?”

“
God knows. You know I
don’t listen to details like that. All I know is that it’s in New
South Wales.”

“
You really like him,
don’t you?” she suddenly asked.

I paused. “Yeah. I do.”

“
Dan saw you outside,
pashing him.”

“
Oh God.”
Evvy.

“
You don’t owe that
asshole anything,” my dear sister assured me. “He’s been treating
you like crap all year. Matt worships you.”

“
Yeah. He does.” I got
all choked up. “What are you guys gonna do for New
Year’s?”

“
What we always
do.”

“
Scooby
Gang?”

Nat laughed. “Yeah. You going
tonight?”

“
No, will come home
after Matt’s, leave in the morning.”

“
Alright. Make sure you
say goodbye.”

“
I will,
Mum!”

(I love my responsible
sister)

There’s a change in the air.
Everything is changing. It’s both exciting and
devastating.

Then, just as I was leaving for
Matt’s, Evvy rang.

I haven’t heard from him over
Christmas. No present. All that crap about him wanting me and
trying again…it’s amounted to SWEET FUCK ALL.

“
I called and left a
message last night,” he said, sounding mortally wounded I’d not
called him back.

“
I didn’t get it,” I
replied, all awkward but it being the truth.

I’d slept with him, when?? And in
that short space of time, I’d fallen madly in love with someone
else.

“
Josie tells me you’re
going away for New Year’s,” he said.

“
I am.”

“
With who?”

“
Matt, Julia, Matt’s
mates…”

“
I see.”

(once again, you so don’t
Everard)

He paused. There was a dark
silence between us. There was no joking or flirting or love vibes
or anything going on. We were just dark and unhappy with each
other.

“
Anything you’d like to
tell me?” he finally asked, sounding pissed off.

(oh he has NO RIGHT to be pissed
off with me!!!! The fucking fucker)

He knew already. Fucking Dan had
told him I was making out with Matt.

No way was I getting into it with
him, though. My sister was right. I owe him NOTHING. “No.
Why?”

“
No reason.”

(sure, Ever)

“
Karina, I really
wanted you there for New Year’s.”

I made a ho-ho-ho laugh. “Since
FUCKING WHEN, Evvy??”

“
Ah, since
now!”

(since Dan caught you making out
with another guy, he meant)

“
Ever, you never pay
ANY ATTENTION TO ME at these things!!”

“
Well, I will this
time. If you go – ”

“
I’m going away,
Ever.”

(for a long time. Like
forever)

I was suddenly VERY SAD though. I
was fine when he’s out of sight, out of mind.

But this…talking to him. It was
hurting. Hearing his voice, it was making me want things I’m not
supposed to want anymore.

“
I’ve gotta go, Ever.
I’ve got dinner plans.”

We hung up.

I stared at the phone.

This was too much. Too much pain
I’m feeling.

I arrived at Matt’s to
a scene from a romance movie – he was cooking, ‘Notting Hill’ was
paused on the big screen tv, ready to go, candles were flickering,
lights were dim.

And he looked at me in that to die
for manner as I walked in the door.

Then he grabbed me and kissed me.
For ages. When he let go, I fell onto the couch. Matt laughed.
“You’re so fucking adorable, Karina!”

I just stayed there for a bit,
while he went to check on dinner.

(my legs were a bit
weak)

As he was making dinner, I came
behind him and leaned against him, wrapped my arms around him. I
felt sad, I felt needy. I wanted him, his comfort.

Matt stopped dicing and throwing
bags of chicken coating in flour in the air and covered my hands
with his. “I love when you touch me,” he said softly.

“
You make me weak,
Matt. Vulnerable.”

He turned and pulled me into his
arms. “I’m here to protect you.”

“
I don’t like being
this weak.”

“
I’ll make you
stronger. You’ll see.”

Matt’s mobile on the bench behind
us rang. He reached round and grabbed it while keeping me in his
arms. “Hello? Oh, haha, yeah, she’s hopeless with her
phone.”

“
Is that
Julia?”

Matt nodded, watching me in that
incredible way he does. “Yeah, COURSE you can come, Jules! You’ll
help relax her.”

Julia had asked me if she could
come with us to New South Wales, and I’d promised to check and call
her from Matt’s.

I am so excited Julia’s coming!!
Matt is right, I will be more relaxed with my soul sister by my
side for our holiday.

Matt handed me the phone, and I
chatted with Julia, while Matt still held me in his arms. As I
talked away, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled while he
kissed my neck. I groaned, and Matt kept rubbing his hands all over
me.

“
Do it again,” I
whispered.

Matt laughed, and fisted his hands
in my hair again, tugging. I groaned again.

“
Please don’t tell me
you and Matt are fooling around,” Jules laughed in my
ear.

“
Haha, no, but he’s
doing things, YELP, that may be leading there.”

“
Bye Julia!” Matt
yelled. “See you tomorrow!”

I managed to shout, “Bye!” before
Matt grabbed the phone, hanging up and throwing it on the
counter.

“
I want to make you
moan some more,” he said huskily, pulling me closer.

“
I think your dinner’s
on fire – ”

“
SHIT!!”

Even burnt, his dinner was
INCREDIBLE.

He cooks. Really fucking well.
Meanwhile, I lay about, near starvation, before getting up to eat
slices of cheese.

While HE CAN COOK.

There’s no fighting this. I’m just
going to have to give in.

We watched ‘Notting Hill,’ me in
his arms, him kissing and touching me the whole time.

Matt loves that movie. The fact
that Notting Hill is his favourite movie makes me fall even
harder.

We made out for like an hour on
his couch.

I refused to take it any further.
I wonder how long I can put off sleeping with him??

Matt was actually pretty good
about it. “I’m only calm and letting you go home cause I know I
have the next three nights with you.”

“
Do I need a tent?” I
suddenly asked, from underneath him.

Matt laughed. “No! You’ll be in my
tent, with me.”

Oh God.

“
I can see the freak
out happening on your face, Karina.”

“
No no. I’m fine. Just
a bit dizzy.”

“
Please don’t go home
tonight. Stay with me. In a bed, before it’s three nights on an air
mattress.”

He makes me want this too much. He
makes me want HIM too much.

“
You’re making my head
spin. God.”

Hours later, I managed to get us
outside, on the driveway. He kissed me senseless there,
too.

I clung to him. He was making me
seriously dizzy.

“
I love when you cling
to me like this.”

“
Oh, Matt. I need to go
to sleep. I’m fucked.”

Matt groaned, hugging me tighter
to him. “I’d like to fuck you. Let me tuck you into bed at least.
You are looking a bit sick.”

“
You’ve given me sea
legs.”

He laughed. “I’d like to give you
a lot more than that!”

“
Carry me to my
car.”

“
To my bed, you
mean?”

“
No! Car. Bed. Sleep.
Now.”

He scooped me up in his arms. “I’m
worried about you driving like this. You’re exhausted.”

“
I just need a good
sleep.”

Matt carried me to his car. He
sighed. “Don’t make me say goodbye to you again. Please
stay.”

I was still scooped up in his
arms. He’s like a romantic hero. “I’m all yours, the next few
days.”

He sighed again. “That’s the only
reason I’m agreeing to this nonsense.” He set me down on my feet by
my car.

“
I love the way you say
nonsense. A bit British like. A bit Notting Hill.”

He kissed me. “Get out of here
before I carry up upstairs.”

I was too wiped to hang around.
“See you in the morning.”

“
I’ll be counting the
minutes.”

Never too tired to floor it and do
a roar off, however.

I’m terrified. For some reason,
all I can see is that blood on my birthday.

I swore then no one would ever
hurt me like that again.

I’m already hurting with Matt. And
he’s not even abusive!

God. I’m a fucking
mess.

Monday 1 January
2001

7.21pm

Oh my God. I’m home in bed, from
our trip.

I had the best time. I laughed,
had a ball, Matt loved me senseless.

I’m on a high right
now.

I was back at Matt’s the next day
at 9, and Julia arrived at the same time. I got there to hugs and
kisses from both of them!

I feel very loved around those
two!!

Then we drove to Andrew’s in
Matt’s car, where I fell in love with Andrew’s Holden Sandman HZ
panel van.

It even has a bed in the
back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, I WANT
IT!!!

I can so see myself on surfing
trips in a car like that, just sleeping by the side of the
road.

OH MY GOD, I WANT IT SO
BAD.

Matt’s drum kit is at Freddie
Prinze Jnr’s, so they had a session, and I was just floored,
watching Matt play the drums. He’s so talented!!

It’s like he’s been hiding all
these special skills and talents of his, and I’m surprised,
endlessly surprised, as he reveals each new talent.

Finally, we started on our road
trip, Andrew in his Shagging Wagon, Matt, Jules and I in Matt’s
Commodore.

We made it about two kilometres
before we were already stopping – Hungry Jack’s at Springwood. We
ate sitting on the bonnets of the cars, alongside the
freeway.

It felt exciting, you know?? Like
an adventure was about to begin.

Finally, we were off. I offered to
drive, but Matt just grabbed my hand and said, “No, you’ll get
exhausted, baby. It’s a five hour drive.”

“
Aww,” Jules said from
the backseat. “That’s SO SWEET – ”

“
I don’t want you worn
out for tonight. In my arms.”

Jules laughed. “That’s more like
it.”

I swooned and hyperventilated at
the same time from the passenger seat.

“
She’s freaking out
again,” Matt laughed.