Shattered Perfection (31 page)

Telling my mother was harder.  While her reaction was better than Justin’s, her argument against it was similar.  I wasn’t able to convince her that the move was in my best interest, but she did eventually accept it as something I needed to do for myself and assured me she would be here for me if I needed her.  She also promised to visit once I got settled somewhere.

My Skype call to Laurel goes differently.  She listens to my plan carefully, and without judging me or calling me crazy for wanting a change of scenery, but she lets me know how strongly she disagrees with my plan.

“I understand why you’d want to get away, Mimi.  I really do.  It’s not that your logic makes no sense, but it is flawed.  I have to tell you, I agree with Justin.  You’re running away.  Rather than moving your life away from the things that remind you of him, you need to work on finding a way to let go, to truly say good-bye to Vance.  Yes, he’ll always be a part of you, and he should be, but you have to find a way to accept your memories and hold them dear, not live in them or hide from them.

“If you want to get away for a little while, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Space might be what you need to think clearly and be honest with yourself about what you’re doing with your life without Vance.  Take an Alaskan cruise.  Go on a European tour.  Hell, visit a Caribbean Island.  Something, but don’t pack up your life, Mimi.  I think you’ll find it to be a mistake and you won’t be any happier than you are right now.  You’ll still have to confront the same issues further down the line.”

I feel the wind go out of my sails listening to her, because I know she’s right.  Laurel may be excitable and possess an overabundance of energy, but when she wants to lay the wisdom down, she’s usually right on target.  I realize that maybe some time with my friend is what I need most of all.

“Laurel, what would you say if I came to New York for a little while, then?”

“I’d say ‘Hell, yeah!’  Now you’re talking, Mimi.  When would you like to come?” she says with her trademark exuberance.

We make plans for me to fly out that weekend and stay for a couple weeks.  She can only take a few days off to spend with me, but I decide exploring New York on my own is not such a bad idea.

I take the time to call everyone and let them know I’ve changed my mind about Arizona, much to their collective relief.  I even call Justin, but reach his voicemail.  I leave a brief message telling him I changed my mind, but will be out of town for a few weeks on vacation and will try to call him when I return.

As I’m packing, I let my mind wander over the things Laurel said to me, and how I might actually go about letting go of Vance.  An idea occurs to me, and the more I think about it, the more I know it’s the perfect thing to do.  I go to Vance’s office and look up the necessary information on the internet.  I make a few telephone calls and pack all the things I will need to carry out my plan while I am visiting Laurel.  As I’m zipping up the last suitcase, a smile breaks over my face.  It’s the first genuine smile I’ve had in a very long time, and it’s because I can feel Vance’s wholehearted approval of this idea.

The flight to New York this time around takes much longer and is bittersweet.  I can’t help but reminisce about the last time I flew this route, nearly three years ago.  I think about Bertha, Captain Von Sweatyballs, Vance’s charming grin, the long talk we had getting to know each other, and about how much hope, how much promise lay ahead of us at the time.  It was the beginning of everything, and surprisingly, instead of dissolving into a sobbing mess, I feel humble, fortunate and oh-so-very grateful.  How many people get to have what we had?  Yes, it was taken from me too soon, and yes, I went through some very hard and painful times, but my God,
we had perfection.  
I know what it is to have been truly blessed.

I arrive to find Laurel awaiting me in baggage claim yet again, this time without her smartphone visible.  She wraps me in a big hug, then helps me grab my bags.  She wouldn’t be Laurel if she didn’t talk my ear off, so she keeps up a steady stream of chatter as we walk to the taxi stand.  She informs me she has no grandiose plans this time around, allowing me to set the pace and determine what I would like to do while I’m here.  I share my idea with her, and her she smiles widely at me.  She likes it as much as I do.

We spend the first few days of my visit just wandering around the city, with no agenda.  I talk a lot, about the good times with Vance, about the bad times with him, about those last days, about how I’ve felt since he died.  Laurel listens to it all patiently, if not quietly.  She doesn’t try to offer me any advice nor words of cheer like she did right after he died, she simply listens and the times when I cry, she holds my hand.  It is exactly what I need, right at the moment I need it.  One afternoon while walking in Central Park, I comment on her much more sedate demeanor as opposed to her bubbly spirit when she came for the funeral and she looks a little embarrassed.

“I know, I came off too upbeat for the situation.  I was trying to stay positive for you, but to be honest with you, Mimi, I was kind of lost myself.  I’ve never known anyone who died before.  My grandparents and parents are still alive.  So are all my aunts and uncles.  I’ve never lost anyone.  I liked Vance a lot, you know that, but he wasn’t an everyday part of my life.  While I was sad and unhappy that such a wonderful person was gone from this world, I wasn’t experiencing a loss like you were, like everyone around me was.  I really didn’t know what to do or how to behave, and I am eternally sorry for making you uncomfortable on top of what had to be the most painful experience of your life.  I was hoping to give you something positive to hold onto, but instead I only seemed insensitive and a little crazy.”

I nod in understanding.  “I didn’t think you were insensitive, I just thought you were being you.  Your energy and enthusiasm are pretty hard to contain under any circumstances, and I had neither of those things at the time.  I only comment on it now, because you’ve been doing a remarkable job of being very low-key the last few days.” I say as I nudge her shoulder with mine and grin at her. 

“I have been, haven’t I?  You know, it’s fucking killing me, too.  Let’s go get a hot dog.”  She smiles back at me and takes off running toward the vendor a few dozen feet away.

The Thursday following my arrival, we dress up for dinner and go to the little bistro Vance took me to for our first date.  We don’t manage to get the same table, unfortunately.  It’s occupied by an older couple who look to be celebrating some happy occasion.   I can’t be too grumpy about not getting what I want, since it seems only fitting that something happy should be happening at that table to me.  Laurel is yet again as patient as Job as she listens to me recount our first date in agonizing detail.  If I’m honest, she actually seems to enjoy hearing about it.  She even gets me to try a glass of Riesling with my dinner, and to my surprise, it’s not that bad.  Its sweet flavor is actually quite nice.  I feel a little wistful that I finally find a kind of wine that I like and Vance isn’t around to enjoy the moment, but I take comfort that I’ve found it here, in what I consider “our” restaurant. 

The following afternoon, I rent a car and Laurel and I are standing in front of her building. 

“Are you sure you want to do this alone?” she asks.  “Pete and I would be happy to go with you.  He’ll be off work around six, and we could leave right after that, or we could go tomorrow morning and avoid the traffic.”

“Thanks, Laurel, but I really do need to do this alone.  I don’t know why, but it just seems like the right way,” I say.

“Okay,” she says as she gives me a hug.  “Just know that I’m only a phone call away, if you need me to talk to, or if you decide you want me to drive over after all.”

I thank her, then hop in the car for the long drive to Atlantic City.

I actually stay at Caesar’s Palace this trip.  The vouchers we received have long since been used by Laurel and Pete and a few of their friends, but I giggle to myself thinking about them.  Poor Vance being locked up for trying to come to my rescue. 

After getting settled in my room, I spend the evening wandering around the casino.  I spend some time at the draw poker machines near where we played that first night.  Then I stop by the craps table and watch some of the action.  I never did learn enough about the game to place a bet, but I enjoy watching everyone else and thinking about being there with Vance.    After a little while I drift over to “my machine.”  Fortunately, it’s empty, so I sit down and feed fifty dollars into it.  I’m tempted to take out five hundred, since that’s the amount Vance had given me that night, but I’m not here to completely relive our first days to the letter.  I’m just here to visit some happy memories.  I go through my investment without ever getting to spin the big wheel.  It makes me laugh.  I stroke the top of the machine affectionately as I stand up, not bothering to look around to see if anyone is watching.  So what if people think I’m crazy.  I still do love this machine and probably always will.

The following day, I lay in bed for a while, but that’s a little too hard for me to bear.  Those memories are just a little too raw to lay alone and think about, so I get up and go downstairs to one of the restaurants for a late breakfast, then spend the day walking around the boardwalk playing games and watching people.  I end up with a bit of a sunburn on my nose and shoulders, but I feel a little lighter and happier for having spent the day around people enjoying themselves. 

In the evening, I put on my red fringed dress and walk down to the little Cuban nightclub we went to our second night in Atlantic City.  I have a few mojitos and decline a few invitations to dance.  I considered them, I really did, but it just didn’t seem right to me.  This is another one of our places and I don’t want to make any other memories here.  I want to visit the one I have, and leave it at that.  I listen to the music for a while, then leave quietly to return to my room. 

The following day I spend much like the one before, since I enjoyed myself so much.  Just before sundown, however, I return to my room and gather the special items I packed and head down to the marina listed in the instructions I received from the company I’d contacted.  I meet the captain of the thirty-eight foot charter vessel on the dock, who introduces himself simply as Nick.  He advises that we’ll be sailing about five miles out from the shoreline for the ceremony, after which we’ll circle around a few times and then, per my request, we’ll take a short scenic cruise of Atlantic City before heading back in to the marina.

It doesn’t take long to reach what he calls the burial site.  After Nick anchors the boat, we meet at the small platform set up especially for the occasion and I hand him the urn containing Vance’s ashes.  Placing them on a small podium before us, the captain gives a very brief but lovely speech about life and death, love and loss, and the returning of one’s spirit to nature.  Once he finishes, he returns the urn to me.  I approach the side of the boat and open it.  I close my eyes for a few moments, recalling my last conversation with Vance and my promise to him.  I don’t know how I will accomplish it, but I know that the love he had given me made me a better, stronger person than I had ever been before it.  Because of him, I would eventually find my way through, and I’d be able to keep my promise to him.  He’d always be a treasured part of me, and just as he’d said, I’d keep that flame he’d lit burning just for him.

With that, I open my eyes and slowly tilt the urn over the side of the boat, letting go of Vance in the place where all our perfection began.

TWO YEARS LATER

“So when will you be back?” Justin asked as he lifted my small suitcase into the trunk of my SUV. 

“We’re only going for the weekend.  I’ll be back before you know it.  You won’t even miss me at all.”  I teased.  The girls and I were going to Lake Havasu for Memorial Day weekend on a much needed girls’ trip.  We were meeting up with some friends of Jessica’s who had rented a house boat and planned on spending our time sunbathing, drinking and flirting with any handsome men we might find among the frat boys who would be descending upon the lake for the holiday.  I was up for the sunbathing and drinking, but not so sure about the men.  In the nearly three years that had passed since Vance died, I hadn’t really done any dating.  I had gone on a few blind dates the girls had set up for me in the last six months but never felt any kind of connection to anyone.  Honestly, that was fine with me.  I no longer lived in my memories of the past, but I wasn’t in any hurry to change my life as it had come to be.  Justin satisfied any need for male companionship that I had—well, most needs.  I’ll just say any “special” needs that I may have had were fulfilled with the assistance of B.O.B.  It was far and away less satisfying than the real thing, but again I was in no hurry.  I guess in that respect, Vance had spoiled me.  It was going to take a certain type of person to meet my expectations in the romance and sex department, and I doubted his existence.  Vance was one of a kind and although I had healed, I didn’t think anyone would be able to compare, either.   That said, I did feel a certain “itch” so to speak.  Wait, that sounds really bad when talking about things down there.  Forget I said anything.

“Aww Peaches, you know that’s not true,” Justin said while grabbing my hand and holding it over his heart. “I ache right here whenever you’re away.”

I slapped his chest teasingly.  “When do I ever go away?”

“Just last month, you left me to go see your mother.”

“For the afternoon!  I was back in time for pizza, beer and movies, just like we’d planned.”

“Yes, well I missed you anyway.” He said with a smirk.

I just shook my head before leaning forward to give him a kiss on the cheek.  At the last minute he turned his head slightly and my lips landed at the corner of his mouth.  A strange thrill that I didn’t expect ran through me.  Justin?  Since when did I feel anything like that for him?  He’d been my friend for nearly five years, had helped me through the most devastating time of my life, and had become one of the most important people in my world.  When I came back from that trip to New York when I’d scattered Vance’s ashes, Justin and I had mended fences and I set about being a better friend to him.  The kind of friend he’d been to me, the kind he needed me to be.  I finally held up my end of the bargain of being in our support group of two.  We grew ever closer, and I’d come to think of him as the big brother I’d never had.  Yes, I had always thought him attractive, but was I actually attracted to him and never realized it? 

I stepped back hesitantly and looked up at him with new eyes.  He smiled at me warmly, and I suddenly felt bashful.  Something unusual was definitely going on.  I felt flustered and awkward, and… ah hell.  I felt like I always used to around a good looking guy I found myself attracted to.  I didn’t quite know what to do, so I did the only logical thing I could think of.

“Well… I guess I’ll be seeing you on Tuesday.  Or maybe Wednesday.  Or…um…whenever.”  I said as I quickly rounded the back of my car and headed toward the driver’s side door in full-on retreat.

Justin chuckled under his breath and slowly followed.  I hopped in and shut the door, then rolled down the window after starting the engine as fast as I could.  He bent down and leaned in my window.

“You take care of yourself and have a good time, Peaches.  I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back,” he said as he leaned forward a little more and planted a soft kiss directly on my lips.  I sat there slack-jawed as he straightened with the cockiest smile on his face.  He tapped on the roof of the car before turning and starting toward his motorcycle which was parked at the curb.

After a few stunned seconds, I called after him “Uh, yeah.  I will.  I’ll call you when I get back!”

He raised his arm over his head, waving in acknowledgment before throwing his leg over the bike and strapping on his helmet.  I simply sat there watching as he started the engine and drove off down the street without a glance back.

I looked at myself in the rear-view mirror and saw my eyes were bright and there was a pink tinge to my cheeks.  I immediately scrubbed my hands over my face, shook my head to clear it of the daze that had settled over me and put the car in reverse to back out of the driveway.

It was a very good thing that there were a number of alcoholic beverages in my near future.  I had a feeling I was going to need each and every one of them.