She Belongs to Me (13 page)

Would she be okay moving to North Carolina, changing colleges and the hardest part, leaving her grandmother? It was the logical choice. He had a career, a business and a home to return to in Stanfield.

He caressed her silky-smooth curls and exposed arms. Her skin had a natural glow, the epitome of a native Floridian. Would she miss her state?

It wasn’t as though she was happy here. She hinted numerous times the only thing positive in her life was her grandmother. He wondered how he was going to get
her to confess her troubled past. He had been honest when he said he didn’t care. She didn’t have to tell him, but he ached to take the pain away. He drifted off to sleep holding her securely in his arms, hoping she would recognize her feelings and tell him what he needed to hear.

Sudden movement and muffled groans woke Jordan up. The soft glow of the alarm clock cast a red hue on Jaynee’s face, and he could see her eyes dart under her lids. She was dreaming.

“No! Please don’t!” Jaynee’s cries broke the silent air, and then just desperate mumblings with more pleadings emerged from her lips, but her eyes remained closed.

Jordan shook her gently.
“Jaynee, wakeu
p
.”
He hated that she was in pain, even in her dream. “Jaynee, please wakeup.” She just kept pleading for it to stop. “Caycee!” he said louder, watching gratefully as her eyes s
uddenly popped open. “It’s okay;
I’m here. You’re okay.” He soothed her hair and arms to calm her. She didn’t utter another word and drifted right back asleep.

It was quiet again;
only the whir of the air conditioner filled the room. It di
dn’t matter how peaceful it was;
he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. The nightmare and scream were so unexpected. What had she lived through that frightened her so much? He wondered if she’d remember the dream. He wanted to ask her about it. He wanted to wake her, but perhaps that would startle her just as much. She certainly wasn’t accustomed to having a man in her bed.

Since he wasn’t able to fall back asleep, he lay there pondering how he would ask her to marry him and whether he could really deal with not knowing her past. He couldn’t come up with anything original
,
because he wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t know what she would like. But more than anything…he didn’t have time. He needed to get back home. He didn’t want to start a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t that he couldn’t remai
n faithful. No doubt there. But
he didn’t think he could leave her without it killing him. He had to convince her
that
they belonged together. But how do you accomplish that with someone who doesn’t believe in happiness?

Jaynee awoke to strong arms embracing her for the second morning. “Mm, I could get used to this,” she mumbled sleepily as she attempted to burrow herself deeper into the crux of Jordan’s arms.

Jordan squeezed her shoulders. “That’s a very good thing, because I don’t want to let you go.”

She sighed but didn’t look at his face to see his expression. He’d made his position crystal clear last night on what he’d wanted. The ball was entirely in her court. She had to decide if she could trust her instincts. It wasn’t an easy thing to do when you’ve made errors in judgment your entire life.

“Are you awake now, darling?” he asked playfully.

“Uh-uh. It’s Saturday. I don’t have to be anywhere. I don’t want to get up.”

“Who said anything about getting out of bed?” he drawled seductively.

He pulled her chin up so he could look in her eyes then kissed her head, her cheekbones. He brushed the hair off her neck, continuing to plant kisses down her neck and under her ear.

Chills ran down her body as he caressed the length of her side. His hand moved down her waist, her thigh and then wrapping his large hand behind her knee, he hitched her leg up over his.

Her body shivered at his touch with anticipation.

His hands were like magic as they caressed her exposed skin. Every square inch of her body reacted to his touches, and she couldn’t keep herself from moaning with satisfaction. Something she had never done in the past. She never felt comfortable with a man before Jordan. The idea of someone touching her had always made her uncomfortable.

With Jordan, everything felt different. She hungered for his touch, the intimacy of his embrace, to feel loved.

“Jaynee,” he said on a sigh.

Her body quivered when he whispered her name. But as before, he stopped short of anything sexual. He gathered her tightly against his body. There was no mistake he was as aroused as she was.

“Please don’t stop, Jordan. Your touch is incredible.” She groaned in exasperation.

He gripped her tighter, releasing another sigh. He was serious. He wasn’t going to make love to her until she admitted she loved him. Why couldn’t she just say it? She did love him. She knew she would be happy with him forever. Hadn’t she admitted to her grandmother that he was the man she was going to marry?

“I just can’t, Jaynee. I’m sorry.” His voice was raspy as if he
were
holding back some emotion. “Not until you realize you love me, too.”

“Jordan, you have…I mean…you have made love before, right?” What on earth made her ask such a question? He was twenty-seven years old and too incredible not to have made love to a woman before.

Jordan looked at Jaynee solemnly as he thought about his answer. “I’ve had sex, yes. But, no, I’ve never made love. I’ve never wanted it to be more before I met you. I don’t understand either, but I just can’t.” He stared into her eyes. “And you? I know you have, but—” He couldn’t frame the words to ask the question he didn’t want to hear the answer. The idea of her with someone else angered him. What was wrong with him?

“Only with one person.
I thought it was love at first, but now I realize it never was. I wish I had never met him. I wish it had been you, Jordan. I never felt about him the way I already feel about you, and we were together almost three years.”

Now they were getting somewhere, Jordan thought.

He didn’t want to hear about her past lover but was thankful to hear it was only one. And even better, she was opening up and admitting she had feelings for him.

He took a deep breath. He was going to have to ask, and he was going to hate
himself for it. “What happened?

63

Jaynee sighed heavily in response to Jordan wanting to know about her past.

Was it time? She didn’t want Jordan to disappear. He said he didn’t care, but would he leave when he discovered she was damaged merchandise? Decision made, she pulled herself upright. “It’s a long story.”

“I have all day.” He sat up, pulled her back into his arms and rested his back against the headboard.

She pulled away slightly so her back was also touching the headboard, but she was not looking him in the eyes. She braced herself for what she was about to do.

“Okay, from the beginning, but I’ll have to edit. I’ll fill in the pieces later if you decide to keep me.” Why was she doing this? He said it didn’t matter, but she knew it did…it was the only way to free herself. If he wanted her after she told him her past, she could trust him. “You’re right, though. We can’t start a relationship without you knowing what you are getting yourself into.” She glanced at his face. His eyebrows narrowed, showing his frustration at her comment.

Jaynee let out a long breath. “
I told you my mother left when I was three, but I didn’t explain why.” She looked at his face to gauge his reaction. Was he really
ready for her story? “Let me back up a tad, so I can fit my dad in, which will help you understand the choices of both my parents.

“When my dad was nineteen, he married a beautiful, tall model-type woman. My dad was only five seven, but he was attractive in a rugged, country boy way. He was always the life of the party, and women loved him. Anyway, his first wife had a baby, a boy. Come to find out, she’d been having an affair with his boss, and it was his baby. He moved away and never looked back.

Three months later, he met my mother. Two months later at only eighteen, she got pregnant. She was beautiful. She loved to laugh and fish—which was his favorite pastime. Life was perfect until I came along.” Jaynee shut her eyes as she remembered the turmoil she went through as a child. “You know how children always blame themselves for their parents’ separation.”

“Oh, Jaynee,” Jordan int
errupted. “It wasn’t your fault;
you were a baby.” His eyes were instantly concerned.

“I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t ask to be born. But, I
was
the cause of their troubles. My mother went crazy afterward. Dad had to work, but she constantly harassed him. She accused him of drinking and cheating and not holding down a job. He worked as a mechanic for his older brother and ran a part-time business installing security systems.

“My grandmother and aunt noticed the change in her first. Gram said when we would go to church I would try to scoot away from my mother, but my mother would grab me and yank me back.

“My aunt told me a story about a birthday party at her house. My mother sat me on the couch but wouldn’t let me move, said she was punishing me. When my aunt brought me cake and ice cream, she grabbed them and threw them away.

“But the only time my mother slipped was in front of my uncle. I had dropped something I was playing with, and it broke. She ran over, hand drawn back to slap me across the face when my uncle grabbed her and told her firmly, ‘You will never hit that child in my house!’ She gathered me up and left.

Jordan reached out to Jaynee as if he wanted to comfort her, but then he let his hand drop back to the bed.

“No one said anything. Like my dad’s first marriage, they had suspicions but didn’t think it was their place to interfere. My dad never talked derogatory about my mother, but he did reveal a story years later about the day he left.

“He said she’d been in a rotten mood all morning, yelling about everything I did. Evidently, I was sick and had thrown-up on the floor. My father had to work but promised he would be home early to watch me, so she could have a break.

“He explained something didn’t feel right, so he turned around and returned home. When he opened the door, she had me lifted up, shaking me violently, screaming at the top of her lungs. She hadn’t heard him enter. He told her to put me down immediately.”

Jaynee paused and took a breath. It wasn’t the worst story in her life, but it still sent chills down her spine
when she thought about what her mother did. Jordan hadn’t said a word the entire time, but his eyes were expectant. She hoped he was really going to be able to handle this.

“She didn’t put me down. Instead, she threw me across the room; I had just turned three.”

Jaynee looked up at Jordan and saw the horror in his eyes. He just shook his head and sighed. The idea of someone throwing a child across the room like a ragdoll evidently upset him, too. Of course, as a cop, he must be accustomed to listening to these accounts.

She took another breath and continued. “When my dad bent over to pick me up, she crouched over top of him and banged on his back. Instinctively, he knocked her to the floor. He confessed he had never hit a woman in his life, but had no choice, it was an automatic impulse, it all happened so quickly. As if he should be sorry for his actions,” she huffed.

Jaynee pulled her legs underneath her and continued. “He put me on the front of his motorcycle, placed his too-large helmet on my head and drove me to my aunt’s house. My aunt said the sight of my father pulling in the driveway with me on his motorcycle was the saddest sight she’d ever seen. She went on to say she had never seen my dad cry before or ever again after that day.

“My mom left town after that incident but returned when I was five. My dad loved her, but she couldn’t handle raising a child according to a child psychiatrist assigned my case. My father had to choose, so he chose me. Luckily, the judge agreed, he gave my dad full
custody. If he had stayed with my mom, she probably would have killed me. I don
’t remember much. But for years,
I woke up with nightmares, feeling
as though
something were crushing me
, pleading for the pain to stop.

“My mother wiggled back into my life when I was twelve but only for a week every other year until I was eighteen. I’ve seen her only once as an adult, and we got in a terrible fight. My mom is a troubled woman. More times than I know of, she has attempted suicide by slashing her wrist or overdosing on drugs.”

Jaynee didn’t look up to see Jordan’s reaction this time; instead, she moved on to finish her father’s story.

“My dad remarried my evil stepmother, his third wife, who also abused me. It was usually more mental abuse though. But I do remember one time when she kept coming into my room after I’d done something wrong. Gram was visiting for the weekend and said to my father, ‘Didn’t you divorce her mother for abusing her?’ My father stepped in on that incident, but the abuse continued. When I was fourteen, I actually fought back and won. She never touched me again.