She Dims the Stars (25 page)

“Let me see.”

I didn’t hesitate. There’s a part of me that knew she would ask, so I was prepared to show her. When I pulled the picture up, she exhaled and her eyes narrowed, straining as she stared hard at my laptop screen.

“Incredible,” she said, shaking her head, amazed. “It looks just like him. He would have loved this.”

“Yeah?” I closed the computer and set it down on the table, then wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans.

She punched me in the arm. “That’s for lying to me.” Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek. “That’s for being an amazing kid.” When she placed both hands on my cheeks and stared hard into my eyes I almost flinched. “Does this mean you’re not making that game for Audrey? I’m telling you, it will make you a fortune, son.”

I didn’t give her a straight answer to that question. The subject of my newest project hasn’t given her consent or seen the final result, so I am saving a public reveal until she gives the proper okay to do so.

Now I have to wait until she’s ready to see it.

I’m thinking of her as Cline and I grab a booth at McNaught’s on the Square. It’s packed tight with bodies. Three weeks into the first semester, our fellow students are clamoring for any chance to get wasted already. I can’t hear him while he’s screaming at me from across the table, and he’s terrible at forming words, so lip reading is nearly impossible. There’s live music, and we’re right next to the speakers as well as the bar, so I’m nearing deafness within five minutes of being in the building. It’s uncomfortably hot, too, causing every piece of clothing I’m wearing to stick to my body. What was once a light blue shirt now has a dark blue ring around the collar, and I bet good money there’s a nice line down my back, also.

Cline’s wearing black, but it doesn’t hide his problem either. I’m about to tell him we should leave when the girls show up and slide into the booth with us. They’re smart, wearing sundresses, their hair up in a ponytail and bun respectively. September sits next to Cline and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek while Tee smiles next to me and reaches for a menu. Her eyes are bright blue, and her hair is a dirty blonde, the complete opposite of the girl sitting across from her.

I can’t hear for shit, and Tee is saying something, pointing at the menu. I shrug and point at my ears, the universal sign of ‘It’s too loud in here’ and she pushes up so that she can talk loudly enough for me to hear.

“I have to make a call. Will you order me one of these?” She points to the menu, and I note the type of beer she’s chosen. I give her a thumbs’ up and she smiles, making her eyes almost disappear and her freckles fold into the wrinkles around her nose as she pushes out of the seat and into the crowd again. Across from me, September and Cline are deep in conversation. Who am I kidding? They’re trying to lick each other’s faces off. I’ve become so used to it by now it’s starting to disturb me.

There’s a flash of teal just beyond their conjoined heads, and I crane my neck to follow it through the mass of bodies that have accumulated in the small space around us, but it’s gone as soon as it appears. A strange knot forms in my gut, and I move away from the table, scanning above all the heads I can while I push my way to the exit. It’s out on the sidewalk that I see her plain as day.

“Audrey!” I yell, and watch as she slows a bit before resuming her pace like she didn’t hear me. I call her name again and break into a run to catch up with her.

Her cheeks are bright red when I make it to her side and she sighs, slowing down to turn and look at me with exasperation. “Damnit, Elliot. You know I don’t run. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses.”

“Why didn’t you stop? I was calling for you.” I reach out to move her hair from her face and she takes a step back, brushing her cheek against her shoulder quickly.

“I saw you, but you looked busy, so I thought maybe I’d text you later.”

“How long have you been back?” The awkwardness between us is unwarranted. It shouldn’t be like this.

“Since just before school started. My dad sold the house. It was a deal with Miranda for the divorce. Whatever. Anyway, he moved closer to campus, and I got new place, so things have been super busy. Sorry I haven’t called, but it looks like you've been busy, too?” Her head tilts in the direction of the bar, and just beyond the doors I can see Tee making her phone call, leaning against the wall outside, smoking a cigarette. It all clicks into place in that moment when I turn my attention back to Audrey and she focuses her eyes back on mine. Tucking her hair behind her ear she gives a smile. “She looks nice.”

“She is nice.”

“You
deserve
nice, Elliot.”

I deserve
you
, is all I think, but the words don’t come out. Instead I say, “You look happy. Are you happy?”

She squares her shoulders and nods, only once. “I have nothing to complain about. They adjusted my meds. Things are good with my dad. I’m going to therapy and working stuff out that I never took seriously before.” She stops then and goes quiet, thoughtful, before she continues. “Thank you, by the way, for that night. For saving my life. Dr. Stark said I should tell all of you that, face to face.” She smiles again. “I would have done it without her telling me to, though. Just so we’re clear.” Her fingers are tapping in rhythms of threes and fours against her thigh as she says this, making my muscles tense.

“I made something for you. You should come by the apartment soon and see it.”

Audrey winces like she’s unsure if it’s a good idea or not, her attention going to the entrance at McNaught’s again. “Maybe. Just text me, and we’ll see if our schedules match up. I still have the same number.” She turns to leave, but before she can step away, I reach out and take her wrist, pulling her to me so that we’re face to face, just inches away.

I make sure she’s looking me directly in the eye when I say these next words, because she needs to hear them, and she needs to hear them from me. I know what she learned about her dad and how she was conceived. I am fully aware of her guilt for the way she was born. I’ve seen firsthand how she wishes she could just stop existing. With her hands in mine between us, I bend a bit at the knees and lower my voice so that only she can hear, “Before you walk away, I need you to know … I want you to know that I’m glad you were born. I’m glad you’re alive. And I’m so glad you’re still here.” Without waiting for her to respond, I lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek, then turn and let her go.

I walk away and leave her behind. I have given her an invitation to come to my apartment when she’s ready so that I can show her what I’ve made for her. If she won’t come to me, I’ll find out where she is staying, and I’ll drop it off at her place. One way or another, she’ll get it.

For now, though, I have a dinner with September and her sister, Thursday.

Three weeks have passed and there’s been no contact at all with Audrey. I haven’t seen her on campus, and she hasn’t called or sent one text since I spoke to her outside the bar that day. Her communication with Cline is growing more strained and comes in smaller amounts as the weeks wear on and as far as I’m concerned, it’s now or never.

I can’t wait for her to come to me any longer.

“Did you ask her dad for the address?” I slip the small disc into its plastic holder and place it inside of a bubble wrap insulated envelope.

Cline nods and quickly taps out a message that vibrates on my phone seconds later. Her address appears as a destination on my GPS. On the table in our living room sits that ugly-ass fedora he used to wear along with a note: “I bought three more. Play this, or I start wearing them outside your building and telling everyone I’m your cousin.”

“It’s not exactly a threat, right?” I ask, taking it in my hands and turning it over to put everything inside.

“I’m not sure of the legality of anything you’re about to do, Elliot Clark. But Godspeed, my good man.” My roommate gives a sloppy salute, and I stop myself from correcting him because I know my dad is chastising him from his resting place anyway.

I slip out into the night and to my car, driving the five miles across town where Audrey’s new apartment is. I know which one is hers, and once I reach the parking lot, I kill the headlights and pull into an empty space that faces her front door from several spaces back, under the cloak of some trees. It’s after 11 p.m., and the lights in the living room are on. I can see two shadows walking back and forth behind the shades, their movements mildly erratic. It makes my skin prickle, and before I can stop myself, I am out of the car and rushing to the stoop to listen for signs of Audrey in distress.

My ear is pressed to the door to listen, and I can hear two female voices, rising and falling in an irregular cadence. One is definitely Audrey, and the other I am not familiar with. But they are both speaking, one after the other, repeating the same thing. Like they’re practicing a play of some sort. But the only words I can make out are about vaginas and flooding.

The hiss and click of a lighter, then smell of a cigarette catches me off guard. I spin in the direction of the sound and smell to see a girl from one of my lecture classes leaning against the door to the left. She has short red hair and bangs that are only about an inch long on her forehead. It’s the only reason I would ever remember seeing her in the first place. That hair.

She has one arm crossed under her boobs and holds the cigarette in the other hand, eyeing me curiously. “It’s loud, right? Nicki is auditioning for
The Vagina Monologues,
and it’s non-stop around here. If I hear the word
vagina
one more time …”

The voice that I assume belongs to Nicki screams it again, and the red haired girl rolls her eyes then takes a deep drag on her cigarette before throwing it down and stomping it out with the toe of her shoe. “Want me to bang on the door and tell them to shut up?”

I stare at her for a moment and then hand her the hat along with the note and envelope inside. “Yeah, but can you wait until I’m gone? And make sure this gets to the roommate, Audrey. She’ll know who it’s from.”

Red grins and clucks her tongue. “You’re kind of a creeper. But okay. I’ll make sure she gets it.”

I should feel embarrassed by this statement, but I can’t find it in me to care. Instead, I race back across the parking lot and get into my car just as she begins to bang on the apartment door and Audrey’s head peeks out. They exchange words and she’s handed the fedora full of stuff. Hesitantly, she steps outside and opens the letter, a laugh making her whole body shake as she reads it. Holding the envelope in her hand, she looks it over and then glances out toward the parking lot, but since I’m parked a few rows back and under those trees, she can’t see me in the dark.

When she goes back inside, I take a deep breath and start the car to drive back home. It’s only a matter of waiting now.