She Left Me Breathless (24 page)

She stood there for several minutes, unable to move. She heard the front door shut and then turned and went into her office. She slammed the door shut behind her so hard that several books fell off their shelves, landing on the floor with a thud.

“Damn it, Sydney, you sure know how to make matters worse,” she chastised herself as she dropped down into her desk chair. She pulled out her lap drawer. For several seconds she looked at the folded yellow paper lying next to a box of paperclips.

She picked it up and unfolded it. Her eyes filled with tears, the pain she had felt for all these years rushed to the surface. No matter how many times she read the words, the pain in her heart always felt the same.

The tears continued to stream down her cheeks as she read the words aloud.

“
My dearest Sydney,

As I sit here, my heart feels as if it’s being ripped to shreds. I want you to know that the last few months have been the best months of my life. I love you, Sydney, and the love I feel for you and the love you have shown me is more than I ever hoped to have in my lifetime and I will always be grateful for that and to you.

Writing this letter to you is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish things could be different. I wish we lived in a different time where the love we share for each other would be looked at as something to be honored and cherished instead of an abomination of Christ.

I’m sorry, Sydney, but I’m not at the same place you are. I know I shouldn’t care what people think or care what the Catholic Church thinks, but I do. I can’t raise my daughter in a lesbian relationship.

I will never forget you or the love we shared although it would be easier on me if I could. You are a wonderful woman with so much to give. My only wish for you is that you someday find that one woman who leaves you breathless. That one woman who can share her life with you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I wish it could be me but it can’t.

I beg you not to come after me or try to find me because I won’t be here. Please remember that I do love you and probably always will.

Rachel”

By the time Sydney laid the letter down, her cries had turned to gut wrenching sobs. She wrapped her arms around her waist as she rocked back and forth in the chair. The more she tried to stop the tears, the more persistent they became.

A knock at the door caused her to try to pull herself together.

“Sydney, honey, are you okay?” Edna’s voice asked through the closed door.

“I’m fine, Edna,” she managed to choke out as she wiped her cheeks off with the back of her hand.

“I don’t believe you and I’m coming in whether you want me to or not,” Edna said as she pushed the door open. She took one look at Sydney sitting behind her desk and rushed over to her. “Aw, sweetheart,” she said as she rubbed Sydney’s back. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the tears off Sydney’s cheeks. “It’ll get better, hon, these things take time,” she said in a soothing voice.

“It’s been thirteen-years. How much longer do I have to wait?” Sydney asked through a half-hearted laugh.

“Oh, so Rachel is the woman of your dreams?” Edna asked as her mind finally put two and two together. She leaned back to look at Sydney. “Am I wrong?” she asked.

Sydney looked at Edna with a shocked expression on her face. “How do you know about Rachel?” she asked.

“Hon, you talk in your sleep,” Edna laughed.

Sydney grimaced. “I do?”

Edna nodded.

“Well damn, and here all this time I thought you were psychic or gifted with unseen magic powers,” Sydney laughed.

Edna placed her hands on her hips and pretended to glare at Sydney. “I am gifted missy and don’t you forget it.”

Sydney laughed a deep belly laugh. “How is it that when I’m feeling down or sad, you always have a way to bring me out of it?”

“It’s just a gift I have,” Edna said with a wink. “I think a long, hot soak in the tub will make you feel even better.”

“I think you may be right about that. Maybe I’ll throw in some bubbles while I’m at it to help me prepare for tomorrow.”

“Oh, I forgot that you will be dining with Deidre,” Edna snorted, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from laughing.

“Yeah, can’t wait to hang out with Mommy Dearest,” Sydney chuckled.

“Well, you better get to it then and be sure to say hi for me tomorrow,” Edna laughed as she left the room.

Rachel sat in her car for at least fifteen minutes just staring at the Immaculate Conception Catholic Church. She had been worshipping here for as long as she could remember. All her life she had been taught to praise God and live according to the words in the bible. Having parents who took everything to the extreme, including church, had made her life a virtual hell.

All throughout her life, she had conflicting feelings and emotions regarding the strict teachings of the church.

Sydney was right. She was a hypocrite in the worst sense of the word and perhaps she had known all her life that she was.

She thought about Caitlyn and Alyssa. They were her life and their happiness mattered to her more than anything else in her life.

“Would I care if they fell in love with a woman?” she asked herself. She really didn’t have to think about it at all. As much as she hated to admit it, Sydney was right. She was setting a piss poor example for her daughters. By staying with Edward, she was in a sense telling her girls that it was okay for a man to beat his wife; she was showing them that it was acceptable and she had done it for years.

“Oh God, what have I done?” she cried out. She slammed her hands against the steering wheel and try as she might; she was unable to stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks. She was angry with herself. She was angry with her parents, angry with the Catholic Church. She thought about all the years she had wasted but she was most angry with herself for not being brave enough to stand up and fight for Sydney.

Instead, she hurt the one person who mattered so much to her. She had no doubt that Sydney had truly loved her. Just one look in Sydney’s eyes had told her just how much Sydney had loved her. It was undeniable and she knew that her own eyes had told the same story as to how she had felt about Sydney.

She knew there was only one thing left for her to do. Without realizing it, she had left her car and was now standing in front of the church, looking at the door.

She took a deep breath, counted to ten, and pulled the door open. “You can do this,” she whispered as she entered the church. She looked around and was surprised to see that she was alone. It was Christmas Eve and she normally attended Midnight Mass but she had put this off for far too long now. She glanced at her watch. It would be more than two hours before the next service began.

She walked up to the marble stoup, the basin for Holy water and dipped her fingertips in it. She made the sign of the cross in front of her chest and then walked into the nave, the central part of the church. She stopped at a pew near the back, knelt, and made the sign of the cross again before entering. She laid her purse down on the bench and pulled the kneeler down.

With her hands clasped up in front of her, she felt the tears as they continued to stream down her face. She knew this prayer was going to be like none she had ever said before but she needed to do this. It may be too late for her now, but not for her girls.

Chapter 9

Sydney pulled her truck in behind her sister’s car and shut off the engine. “I really don’t want to do this,” she muttered as she took her key out of the ignition. She looked down at the short and sexy, very low-cut; figure hugging black dress she was wearing. She knew her mother was going to hate it and that made her smile.

She barely had time to get out of the truck before her niece and nephew came barreling out of the house toward her. The twins hit her at the same time, nearly knocking her over as they wrapped their arms around her waist.

“Auntie, Syd, what took you so long? We’ve been waiting for hours,” Seth said as he looked up at her.

“Yeah, what Seth said,” Sarah chimed in.

“I hardly think you’ve been waiting for hours. Seems like a little bit of exaggeration to me,” Sydney laughed as she hugged them. “You both look very nice today and you are just too handsome in that suit and tie, Mister.”

“What about me?” Sarah asked.

“You are as beautiful as ever, sweetie, and you know blue is my most favorite color in the world and ... I love the lace on your dress.”

“Thank you Auntie, Syd, and you look rather fetching, too,” Sarah said, grinning from ear to ear.

Sydney laughed. “Fetching? You think I look fetching. Where in the world did you hear that word? ” she asked.

“She’s been watching shows on the BBC,” Seth said as he rolled his eyes.

“Ah that explains it,” Sydney chuckled. 

“Wait till you see what we got you for Christmas,” Seth said as he placed his hand in Sydney’s hand.

“And we bought it with our own money, too,” Sarah smiled as she took Sydney’s other hand.

“Wow really?” Sydney asked as she allowed the two kids to pull her toward the front porch. “I’m sure that whatever it is, I will love it.”

“It’s about time,” Liz said from the open doorway.

She looks more and more like mother every day
and just as beautiful
, Sydney thought as she climbed the steps. She let go of the kid’s hands. “Jeesh, I’m five minutes late and not only do I get the third degree from these two little rug rats, I get it from my favorite sister,” she said.

“I’m you’re only sister,” Liz laughed as she hugged Sydney.

Sydney grinned. “Now you know why you’re my favorite sister.”

“Whatever,” Liz said and then punched Sydney in the arm.

“Ouch, that hurt,” Sydney whined as she pretended to rub the spot on her arm.

“Merry Christmas, Sis,” Liz said as she moved back to allow Sydney and the kids room to come inside the house.

Sydney cupped her hand around her mouth. “Time to face the firing squad,” she whispered just loud enough for Liz to hear.

“It’s about time,” Deidre said as she glanced out the dining room doorway and saw Sydney.

Sydney hung her coat in the closet, walked over to the dining room, and stopped just inside the doorway. “Merry Christmas, Deidre,” she said with a tinge of sarcasm.

Deidre finished folding the last napkin and laid it on the table. Her eyebrows pinched together in a frown as she looked up at Sydney. “How many times have I told you to stop calling me that?”

Sydney watched her mother re-arrange the silverware. “And when are you going to get a haircut? You’re looking a little scraggly, and do you think you could have dressed a little sluttier,” Deidre asked through pursed lips as she looked at the dress Sydney was wearing.

Sydney smiled and then immediately felt her temper flare as her mother made her way around the table, making sure every place setting was just right. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll get it cut and wear more clothing when you learn to stop being such a class-A bitch to me.”

Deidre glared at Sydney. “You need to watch your language young lady. In case you haven’t noticed, there are children present.”

Sydney shook her head. “You’re never going to change are you, Mother?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Deidre asked, the look on her face saying that she had no idea what Sydney was talking about. 

“You know damn well what it means. I can’t help it that I remind you—”

“Well, hello there and Merry Christmas,” Sydney’s brother-in-law said as he came up behind her and wrapped Sydney in a bear hug. He took one look at Deidre’s expression and realized that he had interrupted something.

Sydney turned around to face him. “Merry Christmas, Ray,” she said as she returned the hug. “Your timing is perfect,” she whispered in his ear.

He smiled at her. “You look fantastic and glad I could help.”

“You look pretty handsome yourself,” she said. He was extremely handsome with black wavy hair, dark eyes, and chiseled features that put him on the cover of GQ. The twins had the best of both parent’s genes. They got their blond hair from their mother and their dark eyes from their father.