She's Me (5 page)

Words weren’t necessary when Jenna opened herself because she sensed all Lucy’s fears and feelings, and for once in her life she had decided to put someone else first.

“We’re beginning to look pretty good, if I do say so myself.”
Jenna strutted their body in front of the mirror and hugged the blousy dress close to the now more slender form
. “See how our skin is glowing and not so blotchy? The cream you’ve been using every morning and night has done wonders. And I like long hair. It suits us better being long—it thins out our face more.”

“Ours? It used to be all mine before, when you hated being me.”

“I never once said I hated being you. I just used to love being me so much. Now I need to admit I have no idea why. After living with your thoughts and feelings for so long, Lucy, I realized that being me wasn’t so hot after all. I was one mean bitch.”

“Can this be used as ammunition when you revert?”

“Nope, it’s a one-time admission. Okay let’s get busy. What will you wear?”

“I’ve never let on before, Jenna, but I have a rather healthy bank account we can dip into. There were no good reasons to spend my wages, and my grandparents—I grew up with them—left the house to me, so my expenses have always been minimal. I believe a new outfit is in order, something to give me confidence. Not that I need it, now that you’re back and will be with me.”

“Hold it, chickie. Let’s get one thing straight. I’ve never been a third wheel in my life, and I don’t intend to start now.”

“What may I ask, is a third wheel?”

“The third person on a date, ménage à trois, the odd man out. See where I’m going here?”

Lucy collapsed into near-hysterics.
“I’m not going! I can’t go.”

“What is wrong with you?”
Jenna yelled
. “Of course you’re going on the date.
You made it.”

“I did not. You did. I felt you.”

“No, Lucy.”
The absolute quietness of her answer made it all the more believable.
“You chose to say yes because you wanted to be with him that much. Admit it.”

“Yes, but I never thought you wouldn’t be with me, for goodness’ sake. I can’t go through this alone. I’ll die—or worse, I’ll throw up on him again.”

“No, you won’t. We’ll rehearse what you’ll say and how you’ll act. It’s easy, Lucy. If you look good, your confidence will be sky-high and nothing can go wrong. Trust me.”

“Trust you?”
Lucy all but screamed.
“How can I, if you absent yourself when I need you the most? I’d be terrified to be alone on a date, just the two of us, together, all alone, by ourselves...”
She ran for the brown bag and Jenna waited until the hyperventilating came to an end.

“You’re being goofy now. Look at you—a grown woman, scared of a measly man.”

“Easy for you to talk. You’ve had lots of men.”

“Careful!”

“Oh, you know what I mean. I’ve never even had a male friend, never mind a boyfriend. I grew up with two old fogies and spent most of my youth with an excessive degree of interest in whatever shoes I had on that day. I couldn’t look people in the eye, and it’s only been since I started work at the library that I’ve relaxed at all. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life—a close second being strawberry ice cream.”

Jenna answered dryly,
“I’m glad I at least came first. Look, if you really need me I will be there to help. I won’t leave you in the lurch. Okay?”

“Oh thank you! You’re a saint!”
Jenna felt golden flutters of warmth flood her being as Lucy released her inhibitions and let her feelings flow.

Lucy wailed. “You said to trust you. You said everything would be fine. You said...”

“If you say ‘you said’ one more time, he’ll be treating you, not dating you. For heaven’s sake, look in the mirror. You’re lovely.”

“Where’s the ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘ours’ now when I need you so much, eh?”

“Look, I’m outta here. There’s no talking to you at all. Just relax and have a good time.”

The knock at the door came at the precise moment when Lucy was sure a heart attack would be imminent. Jenna had faded so deep, Lucy came close to thinking she was single again.

Once Lucy was settled across from John in the neighbourhood pub, she stopped dropping her handbag from nerveless fingers and a kind of peacefulness stole over her. The next few hours flew by swiftly for the two reserved people while tiny sparks of attraction lit and burst into a small but steady flame.

Without discussion, it was understood that all references to any part of the ongoing crisis was taboo. Inhibitions died a natural death and insecurities fled as infatuation grew. By delving thoughtfully into each other’s quiet lives they became intimate friends.

The evening had given up its hold on the sun’s warmth by the time John walked Lucy to her front door. They could hear the last wind rustling the leaves goodbye as the night grew calm and the birds sang their final songs of the day.

Now, more than ever, Lucy had a clear understanding of what a dear and kind man her date was. She’d known of his strength as a competent, well-liked doctor because she wasn’t averse to casually bringing his name into any and all conversations dealing with health issues. Clearheaded, sympathetic, gentle and highly intelligent were only some of the glowing endorsements she’d heard since he’d moved into town, along with choice and groovy, the favourite compliments from the younger population.

All of a sudden her nervousness returned tenfold as she turned back to face him at her front door.

“Would you like to come in, John? I could make us a pot of tea.”

“Thank you, Lucy, but I think four cups of tea after a meal is my limit.”

“There is some old sherry my grandfather kept, if you’d like a drink instead.”

“No, my dear. It’s late, and you girls must get your beauty rest.” He endeavoured to bring some levity to a suddenly awkward moment.

“It’s Jenna who needs her beauty rest. For me, it’s plain old sleep,” Lucy replied, trying to be funny in her own way and reverting back to old insecurities.

“What drivel! To me you are the same beautiful person.”

“It’s very kind of you to say so, but you don’t have to. I’m perfectly well aware of what I look like, and I’ll never be beautiful.”

“Hogwash! Lucy McGillicuddy, the first day I met you I saw a lovely woman in difficulties, and I haven’t changed my opinion. In fact it’s been reinforced many times since. And that’s all I want to hear on this subject.” He was like a ruffled bantam rooster chastising his chick, and she loved every minute of his tirade.

She loved his sincerity.

She loved his eloquence.

She loved him.

Without further thought, she leaned over and kissed him smack dab on the cheek. His eyes narrowed and he reached out and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her lips with every bit of the passion she’d only dreamt of in her wildest fantasies. And to make doubly sure she knew that he knew who he was kissing, he whispered her name before he kissed her again. While she stood utterly still, eyes tightly closed, lips still pursed, he said in a voice full of tenderness, “I’ll see you tomorrow, my sweet.” He left then, whistling all the way to his car, and with a sharp toot he drove off into the night.

Lucy fumbled her way into the house and floated to the bedroom, where she stood in front of the mirror and looked searchingly at herself, scrutinizing her features and form.

She heard Jenna whisper,
“Look closely, pal. You are beautiful.”

Lucy saw a fine-boned, firmly toned, lush feminine body a little over five feet tall, wearing a stylishly flowing pink frock with a gorgeous embroidered jacket to match. Her hair, back to its natural auburn colour, fell straight in a soft pageboy style that framed a piquant face oozing such kindness that most people, looking into her merry brown eyes, smiled instinctively. People liked her at first sight. Unfortunately, her shyness had always held her back from showing them she liked them, too, so communications would break down and she’d be left to herself. She’d lived a sad, friendless life up till now, and isolation is hard to overcome. So is self-doubt.

Her grandparents had been good to her in their own way, but they were in the winter of their lives by the time she came to live with them. She was five years old, and they only lasted eleven more years before they left her one after the other in rapid succession.

Jenna broke the spell as she sensed terrible sadness overtake Lucy’s happiness of moments before.
“What is it?”
she asked quietly.

“He said he thought I was beautiful from the beginning, but he lied. I don’t look anything like I used to. I don’t look like me anymore.”

“Listen, you dim-witted idiot, because I’ll only say this one more time. He did tell you the truth. He doesn’t see me—or care about the outer you. He fell in love with the inner you—your soul. Lucy, look! He spoke with me first, right? For weeks and weeks we talked, and he was simply kind and curious. But from the moment you came on the scene he was hooked, smitten, a goner. Lady, you’ve freakin’ landed him.”

“I have?”
Lucy’s face glowed.

“Oh, yeah. Hook, line and sinker.”

Days became weeks, and weeks became a month and then another month before Jake would admit that there was no improvement or change in Jenna’s condition.

The doctors had tried everything they knew to bring her out of her lifeless condition, but nothing seemed to work. The nurses looked after her very well, while Marnie and Jake took up the slack when the professionals were busy elsewhere. Both of them learnt how to administer physical therapy to work her muscles and how to turn her over, watching for painful bedsores. They policed the nurses and assessed her fluid intake. They spent multiple hours researching the Internet and believed they were authorities on coma. They sang to her and cajoled her to wake up, read to her and threatened her, but nothing worked. She never moved.

She was easy to love in her condition, looking fragile, swathed in the ruffled gowns Jake bought for her because he knew if she awoke it would matter to her how she looked. His choice of sleeping garments was far from the reality of what Jenna actually slept in, but no one could know that, and so she was dressed up each morning like a doll and petted and cuddled more than she’d ever experienced in her life. Each day Jake prayed she would wake up and throw a colossal hissy-fit about her nails or some such foolishness, but each day passed another and there was no change.

In the off hours when they weren’t at the hospital with Jenna, Jake had taken to sitting on the bench where it all happened, where he felt Jenna’s spirit might still be hovering, lost and trying to find its way home.

A special delivery van approached one afternoon and the driver carried a parcel to him with his name on it and the address to the vicarage.

“Can you tell me where I might find Jake Dadson?”

“You’ve found him. I’m Jake Dadson.” He signed for the small parcel and felt a quiver of excitement. Nestled inside was an old tape like those used in the sixties. He recalled an old recorder his father had hung onto—he was a packrat and had kept everything he’d ever owned. Jake turned the tape over and noticed a small envelope inside the wrapper. He didn’t recognize the handwriting or the name, Lucy McGillicuddy, but he knew the return address street. It was only a few blocks away from the vicarage. He opened the envelope and on the single sheet was a message that had him jumping up like a man shot from a cannon, all the while yelling for Marnie.

“Where the hell are you? You have to see this!”

“I’m coming. For heaven’s sake, calm down.”

She read the note and plonked down on the nearest chair, incredulity stamped all over her features. “What does it mean?”

The one sentence was self-explanatory, as far as he was concerned. “What do you mean, what does it mean?” Jake stammered. “It says Jenna wants you to listen to the tape and follow its instructions and
Please Believe.
It’s what we’ll do just as soon as I can find a recorder.”