She's the One (17 page)

“What does that mean?”

“I can’t live in the middle of nowhere!” she said, blurting out her thoughts and hating herself for it. “And what about
Colt?”
Alex stared at him, her fingers hurting where they gripped the book. Dylan’s past, their future. They didn’t
have
a future. Not here. Even if he forgave her for her part in the review, what then? Compromise was one thing but total surrender wasn’t in her genes.

Her heart pounded in her chest, fighting the hurt of it splitting in two. “Dylan, Colt barely sees people now, and you want to take him farther away?”

“I want to be free to breathe. I want to be away from Zeke’s guests crawling all over the place.”

“You want to
hide.
Even at maximum capacity the lodge and cabins would hold what? Twenty people?”

“You don’t understand because you didn’t live it. I don’t want to risk going back to that. I
am
thinking of Colt.”

“No. No, Colt’s fine. He’s getting better every day but you’ve been hiding ever since the fire and I don’t blame you. But it has to stop, for both your sakes. Dylan, how far will it take for you to feel safe? How far before you realize you can’t run from what happened? If I didn’t know you as well as I do, I’d probably believe you were guilty because of how you’re hiding away here instead of living your life.”

Dylan stared at her, anger hardening the muscles of his face, his eyes that of a man broken. “I’m talking about building a life with you and my son. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be surrounded by people.”

“You don’t have to be surrounded. But you do have to be able to
deal
with people and you can’t.” How sad was it that he couldn’t see the difference? That she hadn’t seen the difference until moments ago? “That’s not building a life, Dylan. That’s creating a bubble. You’re innocent of Lauren’s death but you’ve let everything you’ve been through make you afraid. You’ve trapped yourself here and because people are encroaching, you want to go deeper, to get farther away. You keep retreating, hoping to find a place where no one can trespass and no one can hurt you again. That’s not possible.”

He wanted her. She saw it on his face, in the way he looked at her. He wanted her as much and as desperately as she wanted him. But for her it was love and for him it was fear—he was afraid yet he didn’t want to be alone.

What would he do when he found out about the review and discovered she was the one helping to bring more people to his hiding place, what then?

She knew the answer. He’d be furious. But it didn’t matter because right now there were way more important issues to be faced. “I love you,” she whispered softly. “If someone had said it was possible to fall in love in three weeks, I would have called them crazy. I love you,” she repeated, “but I can’t save you, and, Dylan, you
have
to face this because no one can but you. Not Zeke, not Colt and certainly not me. I’m not Kate Foxx,” she said, careful to keep her voice low. “I would feel trapped in a place where it’s a two-hour
plane ride
to get
any
where.”

“People live it every day.”

“And it works for them but it wouldn’t work for me.” It was getting harder to get the words out. Dylan said he wanted a place to breathe but she couldn’t breathe, not
here
. Not like this. “Maybe if we’d met somewhere else. Maybe if you weren’t so determined to hide…. My family would not understand and even though they drive me nuts on a good day, I wouldn’t want to be so far away I could only see them once a year. And when I did go home,” she said, even though she could see that her words hurt him, “or I went on vacation, I wouldn’t want to go
alone
and you wouldn’t go, would you?”

His eyes blazing with anger and hurt and numerous other emotions, Dylan shook his head.

Pain stabbed deep in her heart. That wasn’t the answer she wanted. “I love you, I want to be with you, but not here. Dylan, I
refuse
to give up everything in my life because you’re afraid of yours.”

Dylan scowled at her with the look of someone lost in a sea when he couldn’t swim.

Dylan had to save himself. She only hoped he managed to do it before he dragged Colt down with him. “Always remember I didn’t come here to hurt you….”

Alex dropped the book on the bed as she passed and thanked God the hallway was empty when she collected her luggage. Somehow she put one foot in front of the other. Sam was here. If she could get to Sam before he took off, he could take her with him. Fly her away. She didn’t care where, so long as it wasn’t here.

Her vacation fling was officially over.

S
HE WAS GOING TO DIE
.

Alex stared up at the fasten seat belt sign as the jetliner abruptly dipped and rattled through another wave of turbulence. She gripped the armrests and began to pray, her voice drowned out by the shrieks of the three hundred fifty passengers filling the plane.

It’s a Wonderful Life
droned on from the tiny screen built into the seat in front of her, the earphones useless against the worried chatter and tears expressed by her fellow seatmates. Couples held hands and snuggled close, children clung to mothers and fathers and cried. Alex sat surrounded by people yet totally alone, her gaze focused on the movie, on the child cradled in the hero and heroine’s arms.

The plane took another plunging dip as though the very air had been removed from beneath the wings. People screamed as the structure rocked from the force of the wind and rain, and the person in front of her disobeyed the pilot’s request and raised their window slide to see how bad it was outside.

Abandoning the happy couple on the screen, she looked outside the window as jagged lightning shot straight for the wing.

Alex awoke with a gasp and bolted upright in her bed. It was only a dream, albeit one she’d lived just hours ago.

She put her hand over her chest and held tight as though that alone might slow her heart’s pace. The curtains covered the windows and the hotel room’s darkness reminded her too much of that glance outside the plane window.

She rolled to her side and turned on the bedside lamp before dropping onto her pillow and smoothing the hair off her sweaty forehead.

Her flight to Mexico had started off great with a bump up to first class and free drinks. By the time the wheels had touched down she’d struggled to stand on her wobbly legs like everyone else emerging pale-faced from the nightmare in air.

During that flight she’d come to the conclusion that size didn’t really matter in anything. It wasn’t the size of the plane that mattered. Large or small, the experience could be smooth sailing or a disaster.

No, it was the richness of life and how well it was lived, the people in your life and the dreams that filled it. The love you gave and hopefully received. Those things mattered.

And it was during that plane ride through hell on her way to someone’s idea of paradise that she realized she lacked those very things.

She’d come to the hotel and literally collapsed into bed, falling asleep almost instantly from the physical and emotional toll of the experience. Now she was wide-awake and fear uncurled in her stomach as she recognized the truth and intensity of those feelings she’d had on the plane.

It was like that instant oh-my-God-jolt one got when she almost stepped off a curb in front of a speeding bus. Or that knot in the stomach that grew bigger because there was a chance the plane
could
very well go down.

That feeling no one wanted to feel.

It was the sense of momentous regret.

As the family on the airplane’s movie screen had smiled their joy and talked of angels and wings, she’d felt that regret all the way to her soul and wondered if she would get the chance to fix it.

If Dylan knew where she was. If he broke out of his shell and came to her…

Like that’s going to happen.

It was the truth. Dylan was wrapped up in the world he’d created. He wasn’t leaving.

She was alone. But, God’s honest truth, she didn’t want to
be
alone.

The awareness settled deep and let her identify the thing that had been bothering her for the past year. She hadn’t been able to put her finger on what it was but now she knew.

The thrill was gone.

Like the shininess of silver, the thrill had tarnished to a lackluster patina. She used to feel so worldly. But the bedside lamp showed her the truth she’d been avoiding by hopping a plane and going somewhere else every time she began to notice what was absent in her life.

Though nicer than some, this room looked like all the others. A little dingy and worse for wear, more than a bit tired and worn. No matter the simplicity or glitz or style, every hotel room held the same cold bed, the same ugly curtains. The same overwhelming loneliness.

Hotel rooms were meant to be shared. That’s why there were either two beds or a king. And the people who should be here with her would have provided the missing sparkle and beauty and shine. They were the life, the joy of the room, not the room itself.

Where was her life? Where was she running
to?

Where Dylan lived in the prison of his past, where he hid from the world unable to dig himself out, she realized that, for quite a while now, she’d carried her prison
with
her.

She’d used her job as an excuse to avoid her family, to avoid witnessing what they had that she didn’t. She’d used it to run, to not get close to a man, to not care too much, not
love
too much because she didn’t want to give up the control she’d finally found from being on her own. She enjoyed that freedom.

But she wanted more. She wanted to love and she wanted to
be
loved. And that meant making the conscious choice to slow down long enough for it to happen. It meant not compromising but not avoiding happiness.

She loved Dylan. She wanted to be with Dylan, spend her life with him, but she was also smart enough to know she wasn’t strong enough to break him out of his prison and her words to him in Alaska were right on the mark.

He had to stop hiding, she had to start living.

So what now? Where did she go from here?

She mulled that over, staring at the ceiling. Maybe, since her journey with Dylan had begun with a reservation, her future also needed to start with one.

Make sure this is what you want. Make very, very sure
.

Once more her heart pounded fast. Alex ignored the frantic pace and leaned over to pick up the phone,
punching one of the marked buttons at the bottom with her finger before tossing her blankets aside and moving to the edge of the bed.

“Front desk. Good afternoon, Ms. Tulane, may I help you?”

She closed her eyes and inhaled. “Yes. I’d like to cancel my reservation and book a flight.”

F
IVE DAYS BEFORE
C
HRISTMAS
Dylan shook Owen’s hand and tried not to think about the last time he’d been here and who’d accompanied him.

“Too soon for another supply drop. Did my Christmas orders finally make it?” Owen asked.

“Yesterday. Cutting it close this year. Kate’s probably worried, eh?” He and Owen began to unload the plane and by the absence of Owen’s kids, Dylan guessed Kate was keeping them occupied inside.

“No, she did most of the shopping for them earlier in the year. Already got it wrapped up and everything. This is for her.” Owen gave Dylan a proud grin. “I got her a new set of luggage. She’s going to love it.”

Dylan grabbed one of the two large shipping boxes and began to follow Owen toward the house, shaking his head at Owen’s thinking and remembering Alexandra’s last words to him about traveling alone.

And there he went, thinking about her again.

“Better prepare yourself. Kate’s going to be disappointed when she sees you and doesn’t see your woman with you.”

Dylan swore silently. He didn’t need Kate’s disappointment to deal with when he was already weighed down by Zeke, Ansel and Walter’s. Plus his own. And
Colt’s. None of them had been the same since Alexandra had walked out the door that day.

They took the boxes directly to Owen’s workshop for safekeeping, then Owen led the way into the house for coffee before Dylan’s flight back to Deadwood.

In the house the rich smell of pumpkin pie and gingerbread greeted them as they walked in the door. The kids were huddled around the kitchen table hard at work decorating a mound of cookies, but Kate was in the living room working on their Christmas tree, Christmas carols blaring out of the computer speakers. She smiled at the sight of him but, as Owen had predicted, her smile seemed to wobble when she realized he was alone.

“Keep working, Katie. I’ll get the coffee. Dylan, have a seat. Hon, you want some?”

“No, thank you.” Katie continued to stare at Dylan.

Pressed for something to say Dylan murmured, “That’s a pretty tree, Kate.”

“It is, isn’t it?” She lifted something from a box. “Since you’re here, would you mind putting the star on the top? You’re tall enough without having to drag out the ladder.” She lowered her voice. “And if Owen drags it out, he’ll insist on climbing it instead of letting me or you do it.”

“I heard that,” Owen said from the other room.

“Meant you to,” Kate called back sweetly, even as she winced at Dylan.

One slip off that ladder and Owen would be laid up all winter. “Glad to help. Where is it?”

“On the computer table.”

He welcomed the reminder. “I’ve been wanting to ask about your setup for school. Zeke’s getting satellite
Internet and I need to get organized for Colt to begin homeschooling.” Dylan moved toward the computer and picked up the intricately woven star. He dreaded the complications of trying to teach Colt given his silence but they couldn’t stall forever. He glanced at the computer screen and stilled. “What the hell?”

“Oh, don’t tell me it’s broken,” Kate said, quickly rounding the tree. “I just pulled it out and set it aside. I didn’t look it over.”

Kate took the star from his hand but Dylan didn’t so much as blink. He couldn’t. All he could do was stare at the computer monitor and the photos of Deadwood and the lake, the cinnamon-colored bear fishing and the pinkish-purple of the northern lights. The pictures could have been taken by anyone but he’d seen those before. He’d been there
while
they were being taken.

“I can’t believe you or Zeke didn’t tell me a reviewer from
Traveling Single
was at the lodge,” Kate said. “I would’ve
loved
to have talked to him.”

“We didn’t know,” he murmured, anger barreling through him. They hadn’t known because Alexandra hadn’t said a word.

“It’s a great piece. A three point five isn’t bad, and since Zeke is upgrading to satellite Internet, they’ll probably insert an updated block in a future issue and raise the rating. Zeke must be thrilled. It’s great timing, too. You guys will probably have a busy spring with that for advertising.”

Alexandra had known how he felt about more guests. But obviously that didn’t matter to her, just like telling him the truth of who she was hadn’t mattered. He’d felt
bad about his identity when all along she’d been keeping a secret, too.

And now that she knew the truth about him?

His gut twisted up like a pretzel. Was a review
all
Alexandra had written?

“The star can wait,” Kate said, setting it on the table. “Go ahead and read it while I check on the kids and help Owen with the coffee.”

Dylan pounced on the chance and was barely aware of Kate leaving. The reviewer’s byline was listed as M. Alex. He didn’t know what twist of her name it was but he didn’t care. He speed-read the article, looking for anything about him or Colt, searching through the many pictures that had been included in the review.

Alexandra had been shocked by his identity—understandable in itself—but with every one of her adventures at the lodge, she’d been pulling the wool over their eyes.

There wasn’t any mention of him or Colt specifically but with every word and every photo his anger grew.

Dylan had to get out of here, had to get away before he yanked the computer off the desk and threw it to relieve the fury inside him.

Alexandra had accused him of hiding.
Hiding
when she was doing the same damn thing. How was he supposed to respond to that?

Dylan knocked the star from the desk when he straightened. It fell to the floor but thankfully didn’t damage. He snatched it up, thought of Owen and his damn back and Kate traveling by herself and Alexandra leaving, and jammed it into place atop the tree before he headed for the door.

Dylan heard Kate and Owen calling his name as he
walked out into the cold. He’d have some explaining to do later, but he couldn’t do it now.

Maybe Lauren’s behavior had slowly eaten away at him until he’d felt nothing but responsibility for her because of the vows he’d made. Whatever the reason, Lauren’s betrayal hadn’t hurt this much. Neither had Belinda’s backstabbing sellout.

Dylan powered up the plane, ignoring the nagging in his head that he hadn’t been up-front with Alexandra, so he’d gotten what he deserved.

He was in the air in a matter of minutes and keeping himself there forced him to concentrate on the readings and instruments instead of her. As the forest became thicker and he left the tundra behind, he passed over the tract of land that was for sale, eyeing it from the plane.

Zeke had said he’d known when it was time and he’d needed a new start. Well, Dylan needed one now.

Alexandra had written something that would draw more people to Zeke’s lodge and regardless of what she’d said, he didn’t consider guaranteeing Colt’s safety and future the same thing as hiding. And that land down there—that was their new beginning.

As Dylan flew closer to Deadwood Mountain the radio crackled with a burst and he winced from the pain in his ears.

“Dylan, you there?”

He recognized Zeke’s voice in an instant. Surely Owen hadn’t radioed Zeke? But even if Owen had, Zeke would’ve gone through the formalities of radio communication unless…

“I’m here,” he stated simply. Was Zeke having another heart attack? “What’s wrong?”

There was a second’s pause on the other end. “I don’t wanna worry you but I can’t find Colt. I’ve looked everywhere for him but I can’t find him,” he repeated. “You need to get back here soon as you can.”

Dylan relaxed a bit. His son had made a habit of climbing into closets or into places small and dark whenever he was bored playing with his horses and toys. “He’s there somewhere. Keep looking. I’ll bet he’s fallen asleep and can’t hear you.”

Since Alexandra’s departure Colt hadn’t been sleeping well at night and was often tired during the day. “I’m almost home. Check under the beds and in the loft and keep me posted.”