Shh! (29 page)

“It’s real.” I dragged the words out through a tight throat. “I have this thing called sexomnia and it means I … I masturbate while I’m asleep. I don’t mean to do it, and I don’t want to. I fall asleep every night telling myself not to do it;
don’t let it happen
. But I wake in the morning not knowing if I did or if I didn’t, and it’s so flipping scary that I can do something and have absolutely no control or recollection. I hate it. And everyone knows … I mean, they knew before, thanks to Christian, but they know it’s real, because they’ve seen for themselves and I can’t …” My voice cracked. I held my body rigid, bracing myself for Logan to push me away. “I can’t ever be normal.”

He slid his hand out from under my side and pulled it through my hair, pressing soft fingers to my forehead, tracing the lines of my ear, my cheek, my throat. His lips pressed against the back of my neck and my heart paused, anxiously waiting, hoping, fearing.

“I’m broken. You don’t need—”

“I need you, Liv.”

“I’m not—”

“Shh …” He pressed another kiss to my neck, and followed it with a second one right below my ear, awakening the warm buzz in my belly his touch always caused. “I need you, and I don’t care about what you do or don’t do in your sleep.”

I sucked my bottom lip, pressing my teeth into it. He didn’t get it at all.

“You’ve always been perfect.”

My throat clogged with unshed tears. I was tired of fighting. I needed Logan as much as he needed me. He loved me regardless of my faults, my flaws, all the tiny imperfections, and there was something about that which made me feel as if I were falling, but it was okay—I had a safety net, and that net was him. He didn’t understand though, and I couldn’t allow myself to fall without him knowing exactly what it meant.

“You wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same bed as me. I’d keep you awake at night, and you’d wind up hating me. It’s no way to live, Logan.”

His lips then his tongue flicked over the place where my ear met my jaw and he whispered, “I don’t care. I love you and we’ll make it work. Just don’t try to block me out again. You’ve made me feel alive for the first time in years, and I’m not letting you go. I will be a better person. I promise you; I’ll be the best that I can and we’ll be okay.”

I rolled over to look in his eyes. The couch was so narrow that our bodies pressed together, and Logan’s face was a mere inch from mine, his nose almost touching my cheek. Despite the clenching of my chest and the thickness in my throat, there was a conflicting tingle running through my whole body. One that wanted to pull his mouth to mine.

But what he said was wrong.

“Stop putting yourself down. You’re honest and kind and understanding. You’re the best person there ever was, and don’t you dare go changing. Not for anyone.”

Logan’s gaze dropped, his brow furrowed, and I knew he was thinking of her; of Kayla. I studied his creased brow, his long lashes fanned against his bronze cheeks, the golden stubble flecked with red along his jaw. I shouldn’t have said it when he hadn’t told me about her, but I wanted to ease his pain. “Whatever happened with Kayla wasn’t your fault.”

“And what’s happening to you isn’t your fault.”

That was my breaking point.

I couldn’t fight that darn ache for him any longer. I closed the miniscule distance between us, placing my mouth on his and kissing his soft bottom lip.

Instantly, Logan deepened the pressure. His lips moved hard and fast against mine as if this were the last kiss he’d ever give. His tongue traced the seam of my lips and I gave way, tasting his breath as my mouth opened, sweet and familiar and
home
.

My hand found its way to his chest, trailed down to the hem of his shirt with my insatiable need to feel his bare skin. Good lord, I needed him. My fingers slid underneath and found his hard abs, just as perfect as always. Logan purred against my kiss and his hand slammed into my lower back, pressing my hips against him. All this time I’d thought he would reject me once he found out the truth. That he’d hate me the same way Christian had. But I should have known Logan was different. He was sweet and caring, and more special than anyone who’d come before him.

My heart felt like it expanded to fill my entire chest, leaking down into my arms, my legs, my everywhere.

Suddenly, one hand on his bare skin wasn’t enough, but lying on my side, the other was trapped underneath me. So without breaking our connection, I rolled onto his chest, my knee pushing between his legs. The movement freed my other hand and I brought it to his face, my fingers playing along the scruff at his jaw. Every inch where Logan touched me thrummed with anticipation. If I felt as if I were falling before, now I felt as if I’d been caught. And I knew with a certain surety that my net wouldn’t break.

Desperate for breath, I pulled away just enough to draw in a lungful of air. “Logan—”

“I don’t care, Liv.”

He hooked his arm under my rear and stood, walking us to his bedroom. Finally, I was warmed with the heat flaring through every part of me. He flopped backwards onto the mattress and pulled me down with him.

I had no intention of ever letting go.

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

I drew in a deep breath, as I did every morning when I first woke, and was filled with the heady scent of Logan. I wasn’t perfect and nor was he, but I felt more confident to face what today would bring knowing I had him on my side. Snuggling further into his warm chest, it hit me that we were still in the exact same position we’d fallen asleep in—my cheek resting on his chest, his arm wrapped around me, and my leg hoicked over both of his. The implications of that were undeniable, and filled me with a ray of hope.

Surely I couldn’t have partaken in any risqué behaviour without moving. Logan stirred, his hand roaming along my side to rest just shy of my rear.

“Mmm, morning,” he mumbled.

“Hi there.” I pushed my hips forward, pressing myself against his thigh. Logan moaned and his fingers moved sluggishly to cradle my chin which he tipped up, so he could place a none-too-sweet kiss on my lips. I could really get used to this sort of greeting. When he drew back, I whimpered, “Let’s just stay in bed all day.”

And that’s what we did until Jordan came knocking at the door. “Hoi,” he called through the timber. “You guys have company. Drag your arses out of bed.”

Groaning, Logan broke the trail of kisses he was leaving across my collarbone. “Whoever it is, tell them to get lost.”

“No can do, bro.”

“Olivia Dean, get that tush of yours dressed and come talk to me.” Savvy’s voice screeched through the door.

I couldn’t help but smile. It quickly fell though, as I recalled the events of yesterday. I’d been so wrapped up in Logan, I hadn’t thought about what would happen when I faced everyone else. Molly knew about the sleep sex thing, but Savvy didn’t. My tummy felt kind of weird in a rock-hard way.

Logan dragged himself out of bed and went to his cupboard where he pulled on his sweats and rifled through for a few seconds before tossing a t-shirt at me. “Put this on.”

“It’s cool. I’ll just wear my clothes from yesterday.”

Logan raised his eyebrow and said, “Wear the shirt.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Just do it.”

Shrugging, I pulled it over my head, and good heavens it smelt divine, like Logan, just after he’d showered—all fresh and crisp and clean, and with that oceany smell that must be his washing detergent. The black tee hung too long, hitting me mid-thigh, but Logan didn’t seem to care. A slow smile spread across his face and he said, “Now, isn’t that better than a thin shirt that smells like day-old sweat?”

“Hey!” I snatched a pillow from the bed and tossed it at him. Logan caught it out of the air and set it on the quilt. “That’s my favourite blouse you’re talking about.” It was a long-sleeved Espirit shirt, and although I did love it, he was right.

I retrieved my jeans from the floor and tugged them on, then smoothed my hair into a ponytail. I probably looked as if I’d been doing, well, exactly what I had been doing all day. But there wasn’t much to be done about that, so I switched to a messy bun, hoping that would help.

“What are you guys doing in there? Hurry up,” Savvy yelled.

“Dumbass question, Savannah.” Molly was there too.

My chest swelled and constricted wondering how they would react once I got out there. Just how bad things were back at Oxley?

Molly laughed. “What would you be doing if you were locked up in a bedroom with Logan Hays?”

“Not making my friends wait outside,” Savvy answered.

“Whoa,” Molly said. “Too much info. Didn’t know you were into sharing.”

Good lord, those two were out of control together. I reefed the door open just as Jordan broke into a deep laugh worthy of a whole pack of hyenas. My face burned in what I was sure was a ghastly shade of red.

Savvy flew at me before I was even out of the door, her arms pulling me into a tight hug. “Honey, I saw it.”

She squeezed me tight, and I caught Molly’s gaze over Savvy’s shoulder. Molly smiled wistfully as her shoulders rose on a sigh.

“We tried to get rid of it,” Savvy continued. “Molly reported it to the dean, but …”

She didn’t need to say it. That damn clip would never be gone, and it was my own fault. Once things like that were on social media there was no getting them back, and no stopping them spreading like fire. We all knew that’s exactly what would have happened in the first two minutes it was up. Just thinking about it made me feel sick. It was a wonder my mother hadn’t blown up my phone with messages.

Savvy finally let me go and glanced around looking for somewhere to sit. She plopped herself on the floor. Molly’s smile fell, and she said, “How are you?”

I shrugged, pinching my lip between my teeth to hold in the emotion. I couldn’t look her in the eye when I said, “All right, I guess.”

Savvy had found a spot on the lounge and patted the seat beside her. I glanced behind me, looking for Logan, and he threw me a lopsided smile as he walked across the room and snaked his arms around my middle, resting his chin on my head.

“You got any more tea?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“Water for me, please,” Savvy said from the couch. “And nice attire there, Livia. Makes you look like he owns you.”

Grumbling under his breath, the words “that’s the point”, barely audible, Logan retreated to the kitchen and I sat my butt on the floor facing Savvy. Being owned by Logan wasn’t a bad thing at all, and truth be told, he’d probably owned my heart since the day he took me to the falls.

“Any clue as to who took the footage? It might help track the lowlife down,” Savvy said.

“Really, Savannah?” Molly plonked beside me on the floor, crossing her legs grade-school style. “Think about that for a minute.”

“What?” Savvy said, totally clueless to the obvious answer.

Glancing at my jeans, I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I took it. It was on my laptop, and it was the stupidest thing I ever did. That’s why the final frame is me leaning toward the camera to turn it off.”

Savvy’s mouth dropped slightly open. “Oh. But why would you—”

Molly cut her off. “Doesn’t matter. Look, Liv, I know you probably don’t want to face Oxley, but you have to march back in there with your head high, because if you don’t, they’ll only keep talking and it’ll get worse. It’ll get worse in your head as well. The sooner you face this, the easier it’s going to be.”

My throat constricted as I said, “It won’t be easy at all.”

“No, it won’t be easy, but we’ll be there with you.”

“Me too.” Logan passed me a steaming mug, gave the second one to Savvy, and dropped to the floor beside me so I was flanked by him and Molly. I swallowed against the sudden dryness in my mouth. I really didn’t want to go back there. I’d be happy never to set foot in the dorm again, but Molly was right. Although it made me feel like throwing up, I had to face reality.

“So, we hitting the dining hall for dinner?” she said brightly.

“Okay.”

****

A steady stream of people trickled past where we stood in Front Courtyard. It was smack on six o’clock, and apparently everyone in the entire dorm was hungry. Except me. My stomach churned worse than a washing machine on a wonky spin cycle, and I’d be happy to never eat in public again. But Molly was right; I had to do this, and it had to happen today.

Logan’s hand rested against mine. Our entwined fingers reminded me I was far from alone. Molly stood with us, blowing warm air into her hands. Snow wasn’t something that happened here often, but occasionally it did, and today was one of those days when it might. The air was certainly cold enough.

A small group of girls walked past, their conversation ceasing as they stared at us. Looking away, I edged a little closer into my circle of friends. But Molly threw back her head and laughed, then jabbed me in the arm with her fist as she said, “That’s so funny.”

The girls kept walking, and I breathed a sigh of thanks to my friend for the diversion.

“Well, well, well …”
Ella.
Great.
She walked toward us out from the direction of Back Courtyard.

“What do you want, Ella?” Molly snapped.

Ella eyed Logan then turned a fake smile on me. “You missed social committee. Again.”

“You know what?” I said. “I missed it because you keep stuffing me around with the dates and times, and I’m over your crap, Ella. I quit.” I returned her plastic smile. “You can go tattle on me now. I’m sure my mother will be excited to hear from you.”

Ella’s mouth dropped open. I’d never really seen someone’s mouth form a wide
O
like the surprised face actors always pull, but there it was, right on Ella’s lips for at least a minute.

I blatantly stared at her, and finally she shook her head, snapping out of her trance.

“Shove off then,” Molly said, super sweetly.

Logan chuckled.

Ella pulled her coat closed and tottered away.

Molly directed a grin my way, and her laughter joined Logan’s. Ella had been such a cow to me all year, it felt mighty good to tell her where to go. There was no room for people like her in my life, and I wasn’t going to let them control it any longer. I wasn’t exactly free from caring, but she’d pushed me so far that she was one person I didn’t give a single hoot about keeping happy.