Authors: Star Jones Reynolds
Shine (3 page)
Finally, evaluate the following attributes as deal breakers (under no circumstances will you accept someone who…) and add them to the top of your list:
| 1. Has children already | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 2. Has a criminal record | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 3. Has violent tendencies | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 4. Uses vulgar or abusive language | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 5. Has poor personal hygiene | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 6. Can’t fix a VCR/DVD or anything with a cord | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 7. Doesn’t like animals | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 8. Doesn’t believe in God | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 9. Is of a different faith | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 10. Is of a different ethnic background | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 11. Is skinny | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 12. Is overweight | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 13. Doesn’t want children | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 14. Is unemployed | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 15. Lives with his mother | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 16. Is in debt | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 17. Knows nothing about sports | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 18. Knows nothing about politics or current affairs | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 19. Knows nothing about art and culture | 1 2 3 4 5 |
| 20. Is married | 1 2 3 4 5 |
Now you have the list of what you want in the ideal man. No answer is right or wrong—they just reflect your feelings. Print the list out in large letters and let it sit. Come back to it, reevaluate it, and then make adjustments. When you have done this a couple of times, this is the list you will hold up to yourself, and then decide: do I match up to this list? If you do, go for it, girl. If not, well, you have two choices: change yourself or change the list.
There is this urban legend that a woman over forty has a better chance of being killed by terrorists than getting married for the first time. I don’t think the statistic is accurate…but the point is. Society thinks that when you hit the big 4-0 you may as well hang it up because your days are numbered. I was determined to prove this wrong. I didn’t plan to change my list, so I had to change myself. I wanted love in my life, but first I needed to love my life. A man, even the ideal one on that list, couldn’t do it for me. That was my job.
The Art of Self-Assessment
Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control,
These three alone lead life to sovereign power.
ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON
I may have had a lot of work to do in that job of changing myself, but I already knew those three things Tennyson talked about. It was important, yes, to revere and celebrate yourself—who would love and honor you if you weren’t proud of whom you’d become? It was equally important to be able to control yourself—
when it came to many things like overeating, overspending, and over–mouthing off. But maybe the most important trait a person could pick up in her years was self-knowledge, which included the ability to honestly assess herself so she would know where she had to change—if her happiness depended on change.
Absolute
You can’t break away from a
pattern
unless you solve the
problem.
Many of us have blind spots that cause us to make the same mistakes over and over. We just can’t see what we’re doing wrong, and we even fall into patterns—like constantly picking the same guys who are terrified of making commitments or who spend our money without putting their hands in their own pockets.
And here’s the really bad news: these patterns are set in stone unless we solve the problems within ourselves that provoke us into picking loser guys or wearing crude, flashy makeup or eating chips until we self-destruct. One of our tasks in preparing ourselves physically is to erase those blind spots so we can see ourselves clearly. First step: learn to assess yourself with honesty. It takes practice.
Unless you’re in serious denial, no one’s going to be as honest about yourself as you. I think we all have self-knowledge implanted in our genes, but too often, we choose to ignore the truth so we can look a little better to ourselves. Certainly, your mom may shade the truth a bit when you ask her if she thinks you’re fat, because she loves you so much she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Your friend may feel uncomfortable about telling you that no one can see your green eyes because the intense blue eye shadow trumps everything else on your face, or that the cute velvet bow in your hair belongs on a preschooler, not on a grown woman. And if you ask the new guy you just met (is he the one—is this true love?) what he thinks is your weakest point, he is not going to want to go there.
So, in order to be in control of your physical presentation—because make no
mistake, that’s what you’re offering the world, a presentation of you—you need to be able to fairly judge what the mirror, your sense of well-being, and your instincts tell you.
Martin Luther King said something I love that I think applies here: “We cannot prevent birds from flying over our heads,” said the Reverend King, “but we can keep them from making nests on top of our heads.” Dr. King knew we couldn’t prevent outside influences from affecting us, sometimes negatively—your skin might break out with a humongous pimple before the audition, the zipper on your jeans may tear at a very inopportune time, humidity might result in a really bad hair day, and stress may point the way to eating six slices of bacon. However, if we see ourselves clearly, if we truthfully assess the way we present to the world, we can cut our losses and do major damage control.
If you prepare for most contingencies, know where your weaknesses lie, and anticipate disaster, no bird’s going to make a nest in your hair, honey. The pimple can be disguised with clever makeup, you know size 12 jeans on size 18 hips is asking for trouble even if you plan to wear the shirt outside, you spray your hair with antihumidity stuff before you leave the house, and two slices of bacon is enough ’cause you know I’m not giving up that bacon completely.
I want you to get in the habit of assessing yourself truthfully.
Absolute
We ask questions for only two reasons: to get information and to stimulate thought.
It’s true that these days, everyone seems to want to put a little label on you, tell you who you really are, and then put you on an endless path to self-improvement. Most of these self-appointed experts are so dull, so deadly serious—would it kill them to relax and smile? Because here’s the living truth: self-assessment is not carved in stone, not always correct. A lighthearted look into your own heart is always better than a grim analysis. No one but you can re
ally pinpoint you; only you know the real reasons for your relationships, your look, your successes and failures. And deep inside, not only do you know best where your weaknesses lie, you can spot them instantly, especially when you see them spread out on paper in a self-assessment exercise. And, no question, these go down easier when you approach them with a smile.
I consulted with the smartest people I know in the fields of health, psychology, self-improvement, and social interaction, and we’ve devised these quizzes and exercises to help you determine the areas in which you need work. No one’s putting a label on you. No one even need see your answers, unless you choose to share them. These personal assessment inventories are throughout this book so you can test your own lifestyle. If you take them honestly, you’ll get a fairly clear idea of your best and worst characteristics and the possibilities open to you as you go about becoming the best you can be. But you can also afford to have fun with them—take them by yourself or even with a friend, if you choose. Some of the questions might be lighthearted, but make no mistake, in the end they’re serious business because if you’re truthful, you’ll gain interesting insights. That’s a gift you can give yourself.
How Healthy Are You, Really?
Avoid fried meats, which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts…. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social rumble ain’t restful.
SATCHEL PAIGE ON HEALTH
I
f only that was all there was to it, Satchel. I found out the hard way how much more good health depends on than nonfried meats, cool thoughts, and going light on the vices. I’m lucky; I’ve enjoyed good health all my life, except for the few unpleasant show stoppers that pop up for almost everyone. My most serious health concern was my weight; it was undermining everything else—the way I felt, walked, played, not to mention the potential problem of heart disease waiting in the wings. It also, I was secretly sure, had something to do with the fact that although I always dated a lot, I still hadn’t met the man who’d be my future. And because so many other women in this country grapple with too many pounds, I’m going to concentrate on weight almost exclusively in this chapter.
Let’s start with my big gripe: I believe very strongly that in this country, we go
from one extreme to another without batting an eye; it’s just as easy to find a book that says, “Love yourself—no matter what size you are, you’re wonderful,” as it is to find a book that says, “If you’re very obese, you’re dying tomorrow.” Well, it’s very hard to love yourself when you don’t fit in a bus seat, and by the same token, even if you’re very obese, you’re probably
not
dying tomorrow.
Absolute
Any truth taken to the extreme becomes error.
There never seems to be a middle ground that says we’re talking about health here, not pounds. We recently had a discussion on
The View
about a new study that says many obesity dangers have been exaggerated in America. The study also said that people with a little heft are actually more healthy than very thin people. It may be true; I hope it’s true.
But to their great shame, many in the food industry immediately seized upon the study to take out a big, stupid advertisement proclaiming that everything about obesity has been exaggerated and people should disregard everything they’ve ever read about obesity being unhealthy. Eat, eat, eat more was the implicit message. That’s so unfair: self-serving advertisements like that only give people permission to eat excessively and be unhealthy. Look—overweight doesn’t necessarily mean unhealthy, but obese means unhealthy, no matter how you cut it. Anorexic is unhealthy but, honey, so is obese. People hear what they want to believe. One doctor noted that when he advised people to drink a little red wine because it might help lower their cholesterol, they didn’t hear the moderation part of the advice. All they heard was, “Drink wine—it’s good for you.” I know my own ears used to be clogged, if you know what I mean.
This is one of the reasons I won’t advocate a particular weight-loss program. A full figure, a little heft, twenty extra pounds is not necessarily unhealthy for many, but there are some for whom—because of their heart, lungs, or blood pressure—those twenty pounds could be a matter of life or death. I have a girl
friend who during her pregnancy gained twenty pounds more than her obstetrician advised, and eight weeks before her due date, she had to be hospitalized because her blood pressure shot up wildly. For me, a few years ago, we weren’t talking twenty pounds, we were talking more than a hundred pounds. My knees hurt, and I couldn’t take a long walk. My chest hurt. I wasn’t breathing properly—it sounded like I was gasping for air every time I opened my mouth. My back ached like mad. When I sat on a beach, I had to literally think about did I really have to go to the bathroom, because I knew I’d get so tired walking across the sand to get to the clubhouse restroom, then back to my place by the water. It was time to make a change.
I just didn’t feel good. Until I didn’t feel good, I always thought I was a fine-looking woman. Looking good to me has always been about the way I felt about myself. But as I started to feel crummier, I suddenly stopped looking good to myself and, I was sure, to everyone else. Then, the absolute worst happened. Shopping became hard work. I was in trouble. When I go to Paris with my favorite friends and I can’t walk around the Place Vendôme, window-shopping, when I get too tired to go up and down the different floors of the Galeries Lafayette, changes must be made, okay? Changes must be made.
How Did She Lose All That Weight?
Now let me skip forward a minute. I am very conscious of the rumors and the gossip surrounding “how did she lose all that weight?”
I’ve purposely refrained from discussing the specifics of the weight-loss method that my doctors recommended for me because in all honesty, I don’t want to be the poster child for any particular weight-loss method. So, “the Mouth from the South,” as I’ve been called on occasion, refrained from talking about something that is about as clear as a big zit on your face: well, that seems to have made people all the more curious. So, here goes: I’m ready to tell you as much as I’m comfortable with, and I’ll explain what makes me uncomfortable and why. Fair?
It seems to me that there are three recurring questions: why did she do it, what did she do, and why hasn’t she talked about it?
Why did I do it?
You already know. I felt lousy.
What did I do?
First, I went to see several doctors, and I submitted to the most complete health assessment ever devised. Everything was checked—from my heart to my lungs, from my back to my ability to walk. I took stress tests, treadmill tests, cardiograms, X-rays, bloodwork—every test devised. Then, I sat down with my doctors to candidly assess my health. It wasn’t a pretty picture. Although I didn’t yet have any of the life-threatening ailments associated with morbid obesity, I was very much at risk of developing them. Ultimately, my doctors and I agreed that I needed to have complete medical intervention and supervision in a weight-loss program that would also be a long-term health plan. Long term? Try the rest of my life.
Why haven’t I talked about it?
It’s really very simple. I had to figure out how I’d handle losing over a hundred pounds when I was in the public eye, daily. I would be naive to think people would not be interested. So, I started reading a whole bunch of magazine and newspaper articles about the hundreds of different weight-loss plans from pills to surgery, from the latest diets to food being delivered to your home. Gradually, I decided I wouldn’t/couldn’t be an advocate for any of them because I couldn’t take the chance that someone who had a different body, with different problems, might follow the particular programs I chose but have a tragic result. Every weight-loss plan should have individual, tailored-for-you, medical advice behind it. Every serious weight-loss method has ups, downs, and sideways of risks, successes, and failures. A nonmedical professional can’t know enough about your health to advise or recommend any method. Only your doctor can tell you what will work for you—just as my doctors told me what would work for me. I followed their advice to the letter, by the way.
There was something else. Born and raised in a loving but low-income family, I knew for a fact that not everyone has the resources to go about losing weight in the same way I did. Today, I can afford fantastic health insurance and also afford to supplement that insurance. I can afford to regularly consult a nutritionist, and I can afford to have my own cook weigh out my portions and prepare meals for me. I am enormously fortunate and blessed, and I know it. It would be disingenuous to say, “You too can do what I did and lose a hundred pounds,” because unless you did every single thing I did, you might not get the same result. Great strides have been made in the area of weight loss, but some
methods are still very dangerous, and although they have amazing results, they also can have tragic ones. Some weight-loss pills have heart ramifications; some diets greatly reduce the amount of carbohydrates, protein, iron, or calcium that your body may need; and some surgeries result in blood clots, infections, and even death. Only
you
and
your doctor
can assess what method will work with your body, your resources, your health, and your motivation.
It’s Up to You—So, What Are You Gonna Do?
What I can do in this book is offer the very heart, the core of my long-term weight-loss plan because it can apply to everyone. That core is just good sense and can only be good. I’ll share with you the three bottom-line principles of the way I changed my eating habits for the rest of my life. I deeply believe they are the only tried-and-true way that people ever really lose excess weight permanently.
The truth of the matter is that if you find yourself fat and not feeling well, you’ve got to do
something.
The prevalence of obesity in America is growing steadily and hitting everyone. Until recently, it was assumed that low-income people were the most at risk because in poor neighborhoods there tends to be more fast food and high-fat diets; healthy fare like fresh fruit is more expensive. Also, higher-income people have better access to education about health and more access to health care. But all that is changing.
A 2005 study reported by the American Heart Association concludes that the prevalence of obesity among Americans who earn more than $60,000 a year in family income is growing at a rate of three times higher than among their low-income neighbors. No one knows exactly why, but longer commutes, the growing popularity of restaurants, and longer work hours may play a big role, the researchers speculate. No one’s immune. Americans are just getting fatter—all Americans, rich and poor. Here’s a sobering statistic: at any given time, 15–35 percent of Americans are on a diet. No wonder: at any given time, 61 percent of American adults are either overweight or obese. Most of us are fat.
So, what are
you
going to do? If you want to prepare yourself for a healthy life (and a greater chance of love in that life), assess your physical health. Even though you haven’t yet taken a battery of doctor-driven tests (eventually, you
should) and gotten the medical expertise (you definitely should), you can still make a very general assessment of your physical well-being. Do it right now.
ASSESS YOUR
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Respond to each statement with a number from 1 to 9. The more you believe the sentence describes you, the higher the number will be.
1. I am more than twenty or thirty pounds overweight. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
2. I am more than fifty pounds overweight. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
3. I am more than a hundred pounds overweight (I have to shop in a specialty store or a large-size department to find basic clothing). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
4. I don’t do enough exercise (minimum half hour, three times a week). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
5. Whether my body shows it in fat or not, I know I eat too many really crappy things (you know a crappy thing when you see it). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
6. I usually eat whatever’s around (candy bar? leftover spare ribs? half a pastrami sandwich? several cups of raisins? cold bacon strips?). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
7. Most of the time, I eat take-out or fast food. Listen, I’m a busy person. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
8. Every day, I have a headache, backache, teeth grinding, dizziness, stomach, or urinary problem. It’s always something. Otherwise, I’m fine. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
9. I smoke or drink excessively (you know what excessive means: be honest or don’t bother assessing yourself at all). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
10. When I feel stress or fatigue, I pop a tranquilizer or stimulant, either doctor- or self-prescribed. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
11. I have one or more of the following: high blood pressure, high blood cholesterol, serious stress, frequent constipation, or diarrhea. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
12. The next time I plan to have a complete checkup including a colonoscopy, chest X-ray, mammogram, or other appropriate diagnostic tool is probably | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
13. In the last year, I’ve been on at least one or two diets—and yo-yoed all over the place (lost weight, gained it back, lost weight, gained it back). | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
14. I sleep fitfully, terribly, sometimes not at all. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
15. You want me to take a walk? Forget it. I take wheels or nothing. | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 |
ANSWERS AND ANALYSIS: Add Your Score
Did you score from 75 to 135?
Houston, we’ve got a problem. Good physical health rests largely on lifestyle choices—how much you move, what you eat, drink, smoke, or the pills you pop. I’m sure it will come as no shock to you that your health is in jeopardy according to accepted standards (no kidding around—this score is worrisome). With numbers at this level, you simply can’t feel as well as you should, and your lifestyle is wearing you down; that’s what happened to me before I vowed to change.
Face it: being obese certainly does put you at risk of developing serious medical conditions, not to mention exacerbating those you already have. Your score indicates you may have some issues in this department.
Even if you don’t have serious weight problems, your physical assessment clearly indicates that you’re doing something that doesn’t love you, girl—only you know what it is. I don’t know how to tell you this tactfully, so I’ll just get it out: you have to make some serious adjustments in order to prepare yourself to be the best you can be, physically, let alone be ready to meet Mr. Right, or even Mr. Really Quite Good. Your score indicates a need for lifestyle changes in the health arena. One caveat: when you do finally make up your mind to get in good physical condition, speak to your doctor first. Then, don’t opt for a crash diet or too vigorous an exercise regimen, which can do more harm than good. Unless you and your doctor decide that your health requires a more
radical approach, it will serve you better in the long run to lose weight gradually—no more than 10 percent of your body weight over six months, says the American Heart Association. We’re talking lifestyle here—the way you’ll eat and exercise the rest of your life! It’s not too late to reconstitute your health and appearance, and you know what? It’s not even so hard—honest. I’ll walk you through it. If I can do this, you can too. Right now, your score places you in a very dubious category—meaning, if you don’t do something to change, I honestly can’t figure out how you can be as happy as you deserve.
Did you score from 46 to 74?
Hmmm. Not terrible, sister, but far from great. You didn’t need me to tell you that this is not an impressive score, although you’re not walking on the brink…yet. While you seem to have a pretty sophisticated awareness of what makes for good health, your physical well-being is still not enough of a concern to you. Be careful. Respect your body more—don’t feed it garbage and slothfulness. You’re not doing that brilliantly, you don’t look quite fine, because you’re—well, I’d say kind of careless in the health department, when you could be shining, beautiful, and radiant with health. Take charge. Do the right thing, girl! Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Escalators don’t count as stairs. Move yourself away from that TV and onto a treadmill. Throw out the cigarettes, now, this second, and never let them darken your health again. Eat better. Wear a seat belt in the car. You need more determination and commitment to achieve a really feel-good health style. Your score places you in a mediocre category; you know what you should be doing, you do it sometimes, but you’re still pretty lax about your health, weight, and general fitness. C’mon—find your finest self!
Did you score from 30 to 45?
Less than fabuloso, but still, with a tad more self-searching and self-control, you’re in a position to truly upgrade the physical part of your well-being. Listen—your score indicates that you do take reasonable care of yourself and appear to be in control of stress reactions. You like feeling and looking sharp, but you wish you felt that way more often. You love success. You know you’re valuable. But even you can see room for lots of improvement—right? You probably don’t often sabotage yourself—who doesn’t stuff down a Whopper every once in a while? Perhaps, it would be kind to say that you have quite a few too many “every once in a whiles.” Still, you’re pretty cool and your score places you in a potentially good position—not good Vanda, I said
potentially
good. With a little self-sharpening, you can easily move into the excellent category.
Did you score under 30?
Fabuloso. You’re in the excellent category, honey, almost too good to be true—your score is wonderfully low. If you’ve answered the questions candidly and scored this well, you’re definitely into health-making mode. It appears that you’re healthy, you’re strong, you’re psyched and ready to meet your mate—or at least find love. A woman who cares for herself, respects her body, feels good, and presents a true picture of good health to the world, is primed to take on the world. Also, Denzel. Or Clive. Or Jimmy. Or Al.
But none of us is perfect. Check your assessments in the other areas of this book to see how you can come closer to perfection, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually.