Shmirshky (2 page)

CHAPTER 2
shmirshky latin

So what the hell is PM&M if not a delicious dessert? Well, if you don't know anything about a subject, the first thing you do is look it up, right? There are lots of long funky words involved in the PM&M experience, so let's see what
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary
⁵
can tell us about a few of the key terms (in order of experience):

pre·ma·ture men·o·pause

Pronunciation:

Function:
noun

:
refers to menopause that occurs before the age of forty
⁶

pre·men·o·pause

Pronunciation:

Function:
noun

:
the premenopausal period of a woman's life;
especially
:
the period of irregular menstrual cycles preceding menopause

peri·men·o·pause

Pronunciation:

Function:
noun

:
the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity)

men·o·pause

Pronunciation:

Function:
noun

1 a
(1)
:
the natural cessation of menstruation occurring usually between the ages of 45 and 55 with a mean in Western cultures of approximately 51 (2)
:
the physiological period in the life of a woman in which such cessation and the accompanying regression of ovarian function occurs—called also
climacteric
—compare PERIMENOPAUSE
b :
cessation of menstruation from other than natural causes (as from surgical removal of the ovaries)

post·men·o·paus·al

Pronunciation:

Function:
adjective

1 :
having undergone menopause <
postmenopausal
women>

2 :
occurring after menopause <
postmenopausal
osteoporosis>
- post·men·o·paus·al·ly
/
/
adverb

Wow, these definitions are soooo simple. It sounds like a breeze. It comes and goes, and you're done! Wouldn't that be nice? Clearly no one checked with Mrs. Webster before printing these definitions. No wonder I thought PM&M would be as easy as pie . . . mmm, pie!

CHAPTER 3
shmirshky alert

As it turns out, PM&M isn't just the simple cessation of a bodily function. It's your brain, your body, and your life transforming into something you're totally unfamiliar with. You begin to question your sanity, relationships, hormones, genetics, sex drive, age, food, clothes, underwear, everything! It's an every day, all day, and all-consuming shmirshky shitstorm.

Here's a little forecast of what this storm might entail:
⁷

• You begin worrying that you may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's,
⁸
because you can't seem to grab a memory or a thought. You look at your dear friends and children and blank on their names. Your refrigerator and the dashboard of your car are plastered with sticky note reminders.

• Your eyes are constantly watering, as the least little thing makes you cry. You find yourself defending this constant dripping by announcing that you have allergies, even if it's the dead of winter and nothing is blooming. In contrast, your shmirshky may be oddly dry.

• You are grumpy, unusually depressed, irritable, hypersensitive, have erratic mood swings, and feel lonely, yet all you want is to be alone.

• Your periods begin to act weird: they disappear for months at a time, then they either arrive for just a quick second (spotting) or show up big and heavy, as if to say, “I'm baaaaack!”

• Your internal thermometer starts to change. You're hot all the time! (This is not the kind of hot that you wake up your lover over.) You often find yourself perspiring as if you just finished a hike in a tropical rainforest, but you've actually been sitting down or just woke up.

• You no longer sleep through the night. Instead, you wake up two or three or more times. You might begin to find packages arriving at your doorstep filled with
essential
items bought during late-night shopping sprees: paring knives, food dehydrators, juicers, all-in-one home gyms, weight-loss programs, and magical carpet cleaners, to name a few.

• You find yourself staring in the mirror, startled at the changes you see: your skin is dry, randomly breaking out, or looks like it needs to be ironed. (I tried steaming. It doesn't work.)

• You start to not feel sexy anymore and find that your significant other has placed a “remember me?” sticky note on his erlick or her shmirshky.

• You may feel like you have to pee all the time and/or find that you're having symptoms similar to a urinary tract infection, but you aren't in a new relationship or even having the fun that usually comes
before
the misery.

• You can't seem to find a product that lasts longer than a week to cover the gray in your hair. Even your bush is turning gray. Meanwhile, your chin is randomly sprouting extra-long dark hairs (get me the tweezers, please!), and what you haven't waxed, shaved, or lasered off is balding.

• You have PMS-like symptoms
every day
. You have cravings and your appetite is insatiable; your body is expanding; your clothes are getting really tight; and you are being a total bitchface!

• In addition to all of the above symptoms giving you a big fat headache, you may find that you are having migraine headaches as well.

Do any of these sound familiar? If you group a bunch of them together, you may be at the beginning or smack in the middle of PM&M. Each of us experiences different symptoms and to different degrees of intensity. For a more detailed list of symptoms, take a look at the Shmirshky Daily Symptoms Chart on page 168. It can all be frustrating, confusing, and scary, but don't worry; you are not alone.

CHAPTER 4
the alien and the organizer

I was secretly screaming, “What, what, what is happening to me!?!”

Was I possessed? Did some alien from outer space come down to earth and replace my brain with Play-Doh? My entire personality changed, and I didn't like the new me. I was turning into someone I didn't even want to spend the day with.

I first noticed some changes when I was around forty-eight years old. I was not nearly as energetic as I used to be, and I totally pooped out by mid-afternoon! I often needed to get into a hot bath just to warm up my feet. I couldn't seem to grab thoughts from my brain, and my mind would go blank mid-sentence. I thought about the possibility that I was beginning M, but I quickly concluded that I was way too young for that. I was programmed to think that M = OLD, OLD = WRINKLED, WRINKLED = FEAR! NO NO NO! I would
not
let myself go there. I shoved that thought into a drawer and slammed it shut.

I then began worrying that these were the early signs of Alzheimer's disease or dementia. I did not have time for that either. All my life I had prided myself on being a masterfully organized, multitasking dynamo. I was not ready to lose that part of my personality.

 

shmirshky party alert!

Nor was my friend Joan. She is an interior decorator with real panache, who began her PM&M storm at the age of forty-four, when she suddenly became very moody and impatient. Joan told me, “I would get angry at the littlest things. I couldn't help myself when something was upsetting to me. I felt like everything had to get done and it had to be done
now
.” Even Joan's family and colleagues noticed the change in her behavior (go figure!). The aliens are infiltrating the Sisterhood!

 

At first, the rush of symptoms can be discombobulating. During this confusion, I was lucky that my special erlick, David, was able to finish my sentences for me. After so many years together, he seemed to know what I was thinking. He sensed that my memory loss was horribly embarrassing to me, so he sweetly mastered subtle ways to feed me facts. It was wonderful and so very kind of him.

I made a habit out of making jokes about my memory loss—I just kept laughing it off. Meanwhile, I threw out all my aluminum pans because I read that aluminum can contribute to Alzheimer's. I changed my deodorant to a nonaluminum, salt-based brand. I was freaking out, nothing was helping my memory, and to top it all off, my new salty deodorant was not exactly keeping me fresh as a flower. I kept hoping it was just a fluke, and perhaps tomorrow I would wake up sharp as a tack, smelling like roses.