Shrinking Violet (Colors #2) (29 page)

The house was silent. Dinner had been served, Bug had been bathed and tucked in, and the sky had darkened hours before. I’d psyched myself up for what I was about to do, but as the hours ticked by and I stared at the screen of my laptop, my fingers had begun to bounce restlessly on the keys.

After two bedtime stories to ensure Willow would be down for the count, I’d kissed Kal and Milly goodnight before locking myself in my bedroom. And as I sat on my bed, propped up by a mound of pillows, I glared down at that blinking cursor, agitated that the right words wouldn’t come.

When I wasn’t staring at the cursor, I was scrolling through the pictures on the opened Facebook page, looking at the bright, smiling faces cheesing it up for the camera, and I found myself grinning back at some of the goofy pictures. There was no denying it—Freya and Parker were happy. Judging from the profile picture of a teary-eyed, wide-smiling Freya staring down at Parker while he was on one knee, I knew they had recently gotten engaged, and I felt my chest swell with happiness for the both of them.

The hatred I once felt for Freya Linden had long since disappeared. Clicking through photo after photo of the clearly-in-love couple, I found myself sighing in relief that they’d managed to find their way back to each other after all the destruction I’d caused each of them.

Sucking in a fortifying breath, I scrolled back down to the blank message field I’d pulled up on Freya’s page at least an hour earlier and started typing, deciding to just speak—or type, as it was—from the heart.

Freya,

I know the moment you see this message you’ll more than likely delete it without reading all the way through. I wouldn’t blame you one bit. But I’m going to ask you, please don’t do that. I know it seems selfish to ask anything of you after what I’ve done, but please just read this through before deleting it, because there’s one very important thing I need to say to you.

I am so, so sorry for everything I put you through. I’m not writing to make any excuses for what I did, because purposely ruining your relationship with Parker is inexcusable. The pain I caused you, the bullying, the tormenting—it’s all inexcusable. So I’ll spare you the pathetic woe-is-me pity party. The sole purpose of this message is to tell you that, from the very bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for everything.

No amount of saying that will make things right, and I’m not going to ask your forgiveness because, honestly, I would never expect it, but I just felt…well, I guess I just needed you to know that this is how I feel. I was mean, selfish, cruel…hell, let’s just put it out there, I was a downright, raging bitch. There are so many regrets I have in my life, you’ll never know, but what I did to you and Parker was the worst.

I owe the BOTH of you an apology, but I’m extending this to only you for one main reason. Parker is all yours. Judging from the pictures I saw, I know this to be true, 100%. After everything I did to YOU, I feel it would be wrong to reach out to him without your knowledge. So I’ll ask—even though I know I have no right, whatsoever—that if you have it in you, please extend my apology to him, as well. If that’s not something you feel you can do, I would completely understand.

I don’t know if it would make you feel better to know this, but rest assured, karma came back around and bit me right in the ass for all the bad things I’ve done. I’m not looking for sympathy, so please don’t take what I just said that way. I just wanted you to feel relief in the fact that people who do wrong in their lives get what’s coming to them.

Okay, well, I know this message seems to be going on forever—sorry about that—so I’ll wrap it up. While I don’t expect a response from you, I want you to know that, if I could, I’d give anything to express my heartfelt apologies in person, but considering the massive difference between Texas and Washington, I know that’s not a possibility. But if you were willing to HEAR me apologize instead of just reading it in an impersonal message, well…I’d really love that.

I’m so happy for you and Parker, and I hope you both live long and happy lives together. God knows you both deserve it. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret hurting you, and I hope that reading this message will give you at least some of the comfort that writing it has given me.

Be happy, Freya. I really and truly mean that.

Sincerely,

Cassidy.

I typed in my phone number and hit send before I had a chance to second-guess myself. After four years of living with a guilt so strong it ate at me every single day, I finally felt like I was on the road to freeing myself from it. With that one message, I was finally beginning to forgive myself. Lana was right; I didn’t realize how badly I needed to prove to
myself
that I was a good person. I had no clue what sending that message to Freya would lead to, but the weight that lifted off my shoulders after hitting ‘send’ proved to me that I’d done the right thing.

I was finally starting to see in myself what everyone who loved me saw.

I
was
a good person.

I’d spent so long trying to prove that to everyone around me when, the truth was, I only ever needed to prove it to myself.

After closing my laptop, I rolled over to turn off the lamp on my bedside table and pulled the covers up around me. That night, I went to sleep feeling a little lighter, a little freer. And despite the fact that my heart still ached from losing Carson, I went to sleep with a small smile on my face, happy with the knowledge that I was finally taking steps in the right direction.

I had nowhere to go from there but up.

“Son of a bitch!”

Lifting the arm that held the wrench I’d been using for the past half-hour, trying my damnedest to turn that rusted fucking bolt on the piece of shit tractor’s engine, I let it fly across the shed where it banged loudly into the wall before falling to the dirt floor. I didn’t know what I was thinking; maybe I’d been hoping that throwing the wrench with all my strength would release some of the tension that had been building up inside of me for the past month. But as it landed on the dirt with a dull thud, the immense weight on my chest remained, leaving me feeling hopeless, restless…
angry
.

“What’d that wrench ever do to you?”

Spinning around on the dusty heels of my boots, I saw Kal in the doorway of the shed, resting against the frame, his arms crossed over his barrel chest as he regarded me with a mixture of humor and boredom. There was no denying that I was beyond grateful to him and Milly for letting me and Navie stay on with them after things with Cassidy went up in flames weeks before, but the last thing I was in the mood for at that moment was dealing with the giant man and his thinly veiled threats—which I’d been getting a lot of.

“No offense, Kal, but this tractor’s a piece of shit. There’s no fixin’ it.”

“I know,” he answered casually as he strode into the spacious shed, walking over to the tool bench and resting his rear end against it. “That’s why I bought a new one. Should be here within a week.”

“What the hell?!” I shouted, letting my agitation get the best of me once again. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “Then why the fuck did you send me in here to work on this?”

“Because you’ve been a pain in the ass to work with for the past month, and the boys are about ten seconds away from stringin’ you up and beatin’ on you like a damn piñata. Figured I was doin’ everyone a favor.”

“I haven’t been that bad,” I lied gruffly, knowing good and well I’d been more than just a pain in the ass.

Kal’s deep, rich laughter filled the space around us, echoing off the walls and tin roof. “Son, you’ve been a miserable bastard. If I didn’t look at you as family, I’d have kicked your ass myself just for the pleasure of shutting you the hell up for a couple of hours.”

Resting my hands against the side of the tractor, I hung my head and inhaled deeply before blowing the breath out through my lips. He was right. I knew it, he knew it—hell, every damn person I’d come in contact with on the ranch knew it. Even Navie had been giving me a wide berth over the past weeks, not sure when or if I’d snap and bite her head off. Everyone—including myself—knew the cause of my bad mood, but no matter how much I wanted to talk to her, no matter how badly I craved her touch, her smile, the sound of her voice, I couldn’t get what Cassidy had done out of my head. I’d never loved anyone as deeply as I loved her. I’d never
loved
anyone, period. And to find out that she’d once been capable for doing such horrible things…well, it crushed something inside of me.

I’d experienced so much pain growing up at the hands of people who wanted to prove themselves stronger by taking their anger out on me. I’d seen Navie hurt over and over again by the same types of people. I couldn’t stand the fact that the girl who held my heart had been just like the rest of them. It killed me. Loving her suddenly felt like a betrayal, to myself and to Navie. I’d made promises to the both of us to never again allow people like that to hurt us, and I’d gone and fallen in love with one of them.

What did that say about me?

Was I that pathetic, that desperate to have someone of my own that I could be so easily fooled into seeing someone for more than they were?

“Sorry,” I grunted as I ran a hand over my face in frustration. “I’ll check myself when I’m around you and the rest of the guys from now on.”

Kal pushed his large frame from the tool bench and came to stand at his full, intimidating height. “That’s what I want to talk to you about, son…”

Before he could finish the sentence, icy dread began prickling at the skin at the back of my neck. “You’re not firing me, are you?” I interrupted. “Kal, man, I understand that you might not like me very much after me and Cassidy…after we…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. “I need this job, Kal. I can’t lose it. Me and Navie got nowhere else to go.”

“Boy,” he bit out, “will you shut your damn fool mouth for a second? Christ, I’m not firin’ you, Carson. And you should know me and Milly better than that to think we’d ever put you and that little girl out because of something as small as a breakup.”

Funny thing. That breakup didn’t feel so small to me; it felt like a goddamned vice was crushing my chest and squeezing the air from my lungs. Something about the way he downplayed it with just that one word didn’t sit right with me, but I decided against saying that out loud considering he wasn’t finished.

“Son, I know you got a shit deal outta life growing up. I can’t imagine what it must have been like, livin’ each day without feelin’ that sense of security. But there’s something you gotta realize now—family’s family, be it blood, or chosen. Once you’re in someone’s heart, there’s no gettin’ out. You and that little girl are in my and Milly’s hearts now. You’re family. Nothin’ on God’s green Earth is gonna change that. Not even me wantin’ to kick your ass on an almost-daily basis.”

With that, I released the breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. Kal’s words gave me something I’d never felt before, something he’d just acknowledged himself. They gave me a sense of security.

“Thank you,” I spoke in a low, guttural tone, my words full of emotion I couldn’t keep out.

“Welcome. But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. I’ve kept my nose out of you and my niece’s business for a month now, lettin’ y’all go on like a bunch of idiots, but that ends today.”

I looked at the big man in shock. “You call threatening to snap me like a twig nearly every other day keeping your nose out of our business?”

“Well, yeah. It’s not like I’ve gone into detail
why
I wanna snap you like a twig, I simply tell you I’m gonna do it.”

At Kal’s irrational reasoning, my head fell back in laughter. “You’ve got a whacked way of thinking about things, old man.” I chuckled.

“I’ll show you
old man
when you’re walkin’ round with my boot up your ass.” I somehow managed to stifle my laughter as he glared at me from over the broken-down tractor. Once I grew quiet, his glare morphed into something else, something I couldn’t quite recognize. “My baby girl,” he started, and I felt my spine stiffen at the mention of Cassidy. “She didn’t have an easy life growin’ up, either. I’m not tryin’ to compare your situation to hers; I’m just tryin’ to shed a little light on where my girl’s head was at when she did the things she did.”