Sh*t My Dad Says (14 page)

BOOK: Sh*t My Dad Says

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“Well, I figure this book is about you and me. I mean, I’m the star, but you’re in it, too.” He laughed. “And when I told you that story, you were hurting. So I guess I want people to know that maybe I’m not the warmest human being on the fucking planet, but I love the shit out of you. The story I told you, the reason I don’t tell nobody is because I never had a reason to. You’re a pretty together kid.”

“Thanks, I appreci—”

“Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got a big fucking mouth, and you ain’t the prettiest to look at, but I love you, and I want people to know that when it comes down to it, I’d do things for my family that I wouldn’t do for nobody else.”

A week or so later I finished the book. I was at the end of an all-nighter and strolled into the living room, where my dad was eating breakfast and reading the paper.

“I’m done! I finished the book,” I boasted.

“I cannot believe someone is going to publish something you wrote,” he said.

“I know. Crazy, right?”

“You have never, ever in your life, had anything published. Ever. You’ve never had one goddamned word of yours published anywhere!” he said, still in disbelief. (My dad has never counted my online writings “published”—or publishable.)

“I mean, not one fucking thing! Not a thing! And now YOU, you’re going to have a book in stores and shit?! Jesus H. Christ. Un-fucking-believable. To think—”

“OKAY, I GET IT. I’ve never published anything, I’m the luckiest person on earth. I don’t deserve it. I get it,” I shouted.

“Oh shit, sorry, son, I didn’t mean to bust your balls there. It’s just, well, it’s fucking unbelievable, that’s all.” He paused and offered me a seat on the couch next to him. “Congratulations, I’m proud of you. Have some Grape-Nuts.”

He poured me a bowl and handed me the sports section. It was quiet for a few moments as we ate breakfast and read the paper.

“It’s just, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it,” he said, looking up from his paper again and shaking his head. “I mean, they gave you money to do this. YOU. Amazing.”

Acknowledgments

One of the best parts of writing this book was sitting down with my brothers, mom, and, of course, my dad, and remembering all these quotes and stories about our family. Without them, I never could have recalled the details that hopefully make this book an enjoyable one for people to read, and that really capture what my dad is like. Dan, Evan, José, Mom, and Dad, thank you.

I think any time you write about your life, you’re never sure if it’s going to be interesting or funny to anyone else, so thankfully I was lucky to have a few friends and colleagues help me along the way. Thanks to Amanda Schweizer, Cory Jones, Robert Chafino, Patrick Schumacker, Lindsay Goldenberg, Brian Warner, Dan Phin, Ryan Walter, George Collins, Andrew Fryer, Katie Deslondes, Kate Hamill, and Byrd Leavell.

I feel so fortunate to have been given the opportunity to write this book. As my dad said when I finished it, “Hopefully people give a fuck. Hopefully for you, not me.”

About the Author

JUSTIN HALPERN
is the founding editor of the comedy website HolyTaco.com and a senior writer at Maxim.com. Halpern created the Twitter page “Shit My Dad Says,” which boasts more than a million followers, and is cowriting and coproducing a sitcom adaptation for CBS. He splits his time between Los Angeles and his parents’ home in San Diego.

www.Twitter.com/ShitMyDadSays
www.ShitMyDadSays.com

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Credits

Jacket design by Milan Bozic

Jacket photograph courtesy of the author

The names and identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

SH*T MY DAD SAYS. Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

EPub Edition © March 2010 ISBN: 978-0-06-200294-5

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