Shutdown (Glitch) (21 page)

I stared at him, watching his long fingers as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. There was such spark and life in his eyes as he’d spoken. I didn’t know how to say it in a way that wouldn’t make him angry, but he was wrong. The old Adrien wasn’t gone completely. Maybe there wasn’t even an “old” or “new” like I’d been categorizing him in my mind. It was more like parts of him that had always been there were simply more dominant now.

I looked at him closer, frowning slightly as I tried to puzzle out how to fit the old and new into the single amalgam that was simply
Adrien
.

He’d always been good with numbers. It was why he was such a good techer. He could fly through code because he understood mathematical structure and relationships in a way I never could. He’d been amazed at the complexity of the universe before the lobotomy too—one of our first conversations had been about the limits of science, back when he was trying to convince me human beings had souls. It was the same impulse as I’d seen when he was talking about the shells. He used different methods and came to different conclusions now. He got just as excited when talking about ideas, but he was less likely to make sweeping statements about what those unexplained mysteries meant. He didn’t communicate as easily as he used to. He was slower to become emotional. But that didn’t mean he didn’t feel things, and maybe even feel them very deeply.

I reached out to put my hand on his. After letting it linger a moment, his eyes half-dropping closed, he suddenly pulled away and jumped to his feet.

“I wanted to get an early start today heading toward the city to find some more oxy tanks,” he said. He threw a few objects in his almost empty pack and then pulled on his boots.

I frowned deeper, staring after him. Why did he always do that? Every time I was on the cusp of connection with him, he’d sever it.

“I should be back in about a day,” he mumbled. “Two at most.” He headed out of the cave, keeping low until he got to the tree line. His clothes and pack were still so caked with mud from the storm, he blended in perfectly with the ground.

A sad ache settled in my chest and I leaned back against the cave wall. I stared after him long after he’d disappeared into the forest. As much as I saw similarities with the boy I’d loved, maybe the differences were still too insurmountable for love to translate.

Chapter 19

I STOOD AT THE BASE
of the cave with my hand over my eyes, searching the horizon for any sight of Adrien. He said he’d be back within a day or two.

That had been four days ago.

Last night I’d put on the coolant harness and bathed in the lake, but not even the wonderful feeling of finally being clean had been able to dislodge the icy fear about Adrien that had settled in my stomach. At about midnight I’d been forced to give in to exhaustion and put on the biosuit so I could sleep. I’d set the alarm on my arm panel for just two hours, wanting to use up as little of the air supply as possible. But the loud clanging of the alarm only finally woke me after an extra hour and a half.

I looked over at the tank leaning against the wall. Only thirty minutes of air left. Enough for a short nap, and I was already reeling from exhaustion again. Three and a half hours hadn’t been nearly enough after another three days without sleep.

My eyes were weary and gritty as I squinted to look past the lake, willing Adrien to appear. My head pounded from the headache that had lodged itself behind my eyeballs two days ago. It had been a little better after the few hours of sleep last night, but now it was back in full force.

Finally I pulled back in frustration and paced a well-worn path around the cave. I was so stupid. How could I have allowed him to risk his life
yet again
for me? Since he’d seen himself with me in the vision, I’d taken it for granted that he’d make it back fine. But we didn’t know how these new visions worked. I should never have let him go.

What if someone saw him sneaking into the city or trying to steal the oxy tanks? Oxy tanks were bulky. What if they slowed him down so much he couldn’t escape? What if cameras caught his face and the recognition software set off an alarm? The city’s Regulators would be on him in seconds. There were a hundred other things that could have gone wrong too—

“Zoe.”

I whipped around, sure it was just my imagination playing tricks.

But no, it was really him.

He stood right inside the entrance of the cave, so dirty I barely recognized him. I ran toward him and threw my arms around him, ignoring the crusted-over grime that coated his entire body. Pressing my head to his chest, I listened to his heartbeat as if to reassure myself he was real.

His arms slowly curled around me. I clutched him tight and willed him not to pull away. Not this time.

He didn’t. Instead, his arms tightened ever so slightly, pulling me in closer. The feel of his arms so secure and warm around me made all my fears finally begin to subside. He was here. He was safe. I whispered the two phrases inside my head like a mantra.
He was here. He was safe.

He finally pulled back from me. There were deep shadows under his eyes. “I couldn’t get any oxy tanks, Zoe. I’m so sorry.”

“What happened? Why did it take so long? And what on earth is that
smell
?” I wrinkled my nose in distaste.

He cracked a grin at my last comment, but it was gone quickly as he sat down by the wall near the entrance.

“I snuck into the steel foundry because I knew they’d have oxy tanks. But once I got inside, I realized they were all too big for me to carry, much less sneak out of the city. So I spent the day sleeping in a maintenance closet and then tried to break into a medical facility the next night.”

“Adrien,” I hissed, “you promised you wouldn’t try anything so risky!”

He shrugged off my worry and massaged his temple. “I had trouble getting in. I could have hacked the security codes if I’d just had the right equipment!” The frustration was clear on his face. “I kept thinking of the oxy tanks that were stored
right
behind the flimsy clinic walls. So I took an ax I’d brought from the foundry—”

“You didn’t!”

“—and hacked through the door,” he continued, ignoring me. “The alarms went off, of course. I thought I might still have enough time to get in and grab a couple oxy tanks or epi infusers at least, but the clinic was in a more densely populated area. Regs were there in half a minute. I barely managed to slip out through the back door. I had to spend the next couple days hiding in the sewers until they stopped patrolling and I was clear to come back. I just went about it all wrong.” He shook his head. “But I had to come back and make sure you’re okay. When I go back in, I’ll be more careful.”

“No,” I said firmly.

He looked up, obviously confused. “No, I shouldn’t be more careful?”

“No, as in, you are
not
going back.”

“Of course I’m going back. I didn’t get any oxy tanks, and you still need—”

“What I
need
,” I interrupted, “is for you to stay alive and safe. I won’t let you risk your life for me. I shouldn’t have let you go in the first place.”

“But you have to sleep.” He looked at me as if I was making no sense. “And to sleep you need oxy tanks.”

“We’ll figure it out in the morning,” I said. I had a feeling he’d just fight me on it if I told him what I really thought. Tomorrow, one way or another, we were leaving this cave. He looked like he might say something else, so I held up a protein bar, the second to last one left. “I bet you’re hungry. And,” I said, scrunching up my face, “maybe you could use a bath in the lake.”

He laughed. “Judging by the look on your face, it must be bad. After the first night in the sewer I got kind of immune to it all.”

I smiled and said sarcastically, “Well, not all of us have had such luxury.”

“Okay.” He held up his hands. “Bath first. Food second.”

I handed him the coolant harness and the tube of soap.

When he came back in a fresh tunic, I couldn’t stop looking at him. Having him back again after the long, seemingly endless past few days was like a gift.

I watched his hands as he snapped off a quarter section of protein bar and rewrapped the rest. I wished I had drawing supplies. I wanted to capture on paper what his hands looked like in motion. So careful in their every movement, artful almost.

After a while, he noticed me staring.

“Are you tired?” I asked. “Do you want to sleep?”

He shook his head. “I’m rested enough.” He squinted his eyes, as if scrutinizing me. “But you look really tired.”

I put a hand up to rub my aching temple. “I used up most of the oxy tank last night and got a few hours of sleep.”

“It doesn’t look like it did much good.” A deep worried crease settled in his forehead. “I’ll stay up with you tonight to make sure you don’t accidentally fall asleep.”

His eyes were locked on mine. I couldn’t read what I saw there. He looked at me like … like … I swallowed and forced myself to look away. No. He’d made it abundantly clear that he didn’t feel that way about me. Not anymore.

“Why don’t I read something?” I turned away abruptly and reached for the small rectangular box of tech chips from his pack. A couple of days ago after fiddling around with all the different chips, several of which I couldn’t figure out the function of, I’d discovered that one was loaded with texts of all kinds: history, scientific treatises, even fiction. There were so many archived on it, I’d had a hard time knowing where to start. If Ginni had been with me, she would have pointed me toward some melodramatic romance, but on my own, I had no clue. Thinking about Ginni had brought on another wave of worry. I could only hope she hadn’t been able to make it in the pods and was safe somewhere in the Chancellor’s holding cells. In the end, I’d settled on rereading a book we’d read in Humanities last year.

“Sure, if it’ll help keep you awake,” Adrien said.

We didn’t say much for the next few hours. He moved to the blanket across from mine, separated by the small pod light in between us. Every so often, I’d glance up and find him staring at me. His eyes were almost iridescent as they reflected the light, and his expression was so … intense. Each time I dropped my eyes quickly again. He was probably just interested in what I was reading. I’d chosen a philosophy text because I thought he might like it, but it was pretty incomprehensible to me.

Sometime in the middle of the night, the pod light flickered and beeped. “Cracking hell,” I swore. It was about to lose its charge. The light from my arm panel would be tiresome to read from without it. “I forgot to put it in the sun to charge today.”

I didn’t tell him why. That I was so sick with worry about something happening to him, the rest of the world had seemed to drop away.

He frowned. “It’ll be harder for you to stay awake in the dark. Are you sure you don’t want to get in the biosuit? Then at least you could get a thirty-minute nap, and I’ll wake you up when it runs out.”

I rubbed a hand over my face. I was exhausted, there was no denying it. Still, the precious oxygen left in that tank felt like a symbol of hope. As long as I didn’t use it, there was still a chance …

The pod light went out and the cave was enveloped in darkness so thick, I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face. If I touched my arm panel, it would light up for a minute, but what was the point?

The light going out suddenly sapped my optimism. I tried to fight back against the heavy cloud of dread that threatened to douse me. Tomorrow we’d go find more oxygen, I tried to reassure myself. We’d find a way.

Or … was this how the second vision happened? What if Adrien saw us leave the cave because we had no other choice? Because if I didn’t find more oxy tanks, I’d die. The security in the city Adrien had just raided would be doubly tight. I’d need to fly us somewhere far away, but what if … I blinked hard several times as a thought I’d been trying to avoid finally settled in.

Adrien’s visions used to
always
come true.

Were we just lying to ourselves by trying to pretend they were different now? The storm had driven us here, and now my need for another oxy tank would somehow drive us into a city, bringing about exactly what he’d seen.

I couldn’t help the tears that leaked down my cheeks. All year, I’d been so good at keeping it together, I’d cried maybe twice. But sleep deprivation turned me into a perpetually dripping faucet. All my emotions were so close to the surface.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Adrien’s voice seemed doubly loud in the dark. “Anything that will help you stay awake?”

I shivered, drying my eyes on my tunic sleeve. “Well, at least the cold helps.” The pod light had doubled as a heat lamp, and the cold night air quickly invaded the small space. “But you should get under the blanket so you can keep warm.”

“I’m fine.” It was so strange hearing his voice coming out of the darkness without being able to see him. “Maybe if we keep talking, that will help?”

I didn’t say anything for several long moments. My heavy eyelids were already drooping. If we couldn’t read, I didn’t know how I was going to stay awake. Unless …

The darkness made me feel a strange recklessness. As if, when I couldn’t see him, barriers between us were suddenly broken down.

“Well, there is one thing,” I started, then stopped, feeling foolish.

“What?”

“Whenever you touch me…” I stopped again.

His voice responded without any hesitation, a silken whisper in the dark. “What happens when I touch you?”

“It makes me feel, um…” My face went hot, and I was glad he couldn’t see my blush. “The opposite of sleepy.”

I didn’t hear a response, and I clenched my hands into fists. Stupid. I knew talking like that would just drive him away.

There was absolute silence for a few terribly long moments, and then I heard a slight crinkling as he shifted off his thermo blanket. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought he was moving toward me.

His hand brushed my arm, groping in the dark. Finally he found my hand. I froze, and let him make contact. He flipped my hand over and then used the tip of his finger to outline the lines on my palm. His touch sent an electric
ping
throughout my body.