Si in Space (9 page)

AS IF THERE WERE
ANY
WAY
you’d say no to Mars. Come on now.

You and John Luke set up a video conference call with the family back home in West Monroe. They all want to know how things are going and how you’re feeling and what it’s like to use the bathroom in outer space. You know
 
—the really important things.

Then you’re suddenly preparing for Mars and forced to go to meetings and study reports, and hey, this ain’t high school or college days again! You just want to hop in the spaceship and strap yourself in and get ready to go.

Still, it’s supposed to take 124 days to get to Mars.

So let’s see
 
—you need to plan a complete schedule of television viewing on your iPad since you have, well, four months.

Maybe you can rewatch
Lost
and try to make sense of . . . Nah, it’s still not gonna make sense.

You start thinking of books you want to read and maybe even some more that you could write. But then Commander Noble informs you and John Luke that you won’t have to occupy yourselves for four months on the way to Mars.

“Here’s another fact we can tell you about now,” he says.

“You’ve invented a way to hunt in space,” you say.

“Uh . . . no. But the
DC Enterprise
does have something special it can do. Actually, the space suits are the things that do it.”

“Are we able to watch movies through our helmets?” John Luke asks.

“Well, no, but that would be cool,” Commander Noble says. “Have you ever heard of a thing called stasis?”

“No, but it sounds a little like steak and biscuits,” you say. You can’t help it. You’re hungry, and this squeezable food they keep giving you is really doing nothing for you. But you’ve got your tea, so you’re getting by, at least.

“It’s basically being in a prolonged state of motionlessness,” he says.

“I think Willie’s in perpetual stasis,” you joke.

“Our space suits can induce this condition, a sort of cybersleep, which basically allows our bodies to shut down for long periods of time. So four months will seem like four hours.”

“It’ll be like time travel,” you say.

“No, that’s another story,” John Luke replies.

“What’d you say?”

But he doesn’t answer.

“Departure is less than six hours away,” Commander Noble informs you. He leads the two of you to a small waiting room and leaves to take care of preparations.

“You ever think God did all this just to show off?” you ask John Luke as you stare out the room’s one window into the infinite beyond. “I mean, just look at it.”

“It’s amazing,” John Luke says, gazing in awe like you.

“I was thinking
 
—it’s not enough he made the heavens and the stars. God was like, ‘Here we go, and I’m going to do it right.’ He decided, ‘Let’s keep going.’ Then he made a thousand-something animals
and
man. I mean, I would’ve been tuckered out after making the solar systems. I would’ve said, ‘It’s Sunday
now
, Jack.’”

“You think we’ll ever get back down to Earth?” John Luke asks.

“Of course we will,” you tell him. “Hey, I promised your parents. I mean, if somethin’ happened to you, Willie’d fly out to space himself to track you down. You have to at least make it long enough to find a pretty lady and get married and have some babies. Forget outer space! Wait until
that
happens. You’ll be circling the solar system dealing with a woman.”

Soon you’re in the
DC Enterprise
again, but this time the flight goes off with barely a motion. You’re already in space, so it’s not like you need some big takeoff out here.

Before cybersleep comes, the commander’s voice speaks in your helmet once more.

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Time to take our four-month snooze. The space suits will keep your body nice and steady. Make sure you have happy dreams. I’ll see you on the other side of Mars.”

You picture your family back home, then think of your iced tea, and slowly but surely your eyes drift closed.

Do you have pleasant dreams on your journey?
Go here
.

Do you have nightmares on your journey?
Go here
.

YOU PRESS THE OPEN BUTTON
a bunch of times. This elevator isn’t responding the way the ones back home do. Finally the door slides back. You scan the hallway of the thirteenth floor, trying to spot any clues to where the astronauts might be. You pick a direction and start walking when someone stops you.

“Hey, I know you,” the man says.

It’s a younger man, maybe in his twenties, and he’s wearing all camouflage. You’ve never seen him before.

“I’m sorry, son,” you tell him.

“No, you’re Si Robertson.”

You shake your head, figuring denial is best at this point.

“Yeah, we’ve seen you on our planet before.”

“Hold on, Jack. You’ve
seen
me?”

“Sure,” the guy says. “Oh, we’re big supporters of Duck
Commander. We own a little store called Beef Eaters. We’ve been ordering from you folks ever since Phil started selling his duck calls. In fact, he was one of the first humans we ever met.”

“So y’all aren’t humans, then.” You know that much already, but maybe this guy’s about to explain what exactly they are.

The man shakes his head. “No way.”

“How’d we ship things to you on another planet?”

“Oh, only the postal service knows. Shh. I can’t say anything. A big conspiracy of sorts.”

You’re peering around to see if anybody else is watching you. “Well, it’s been nice to talk.”

“Hey, wait, I can’t let you go, Si.”

“Why not?”

“Uh, ’cause you’re
you
. A human.”

“So?”

The guy laughs. “Don’t you get it?” He glances around to make sure nobody hears what he’s about to say.
“We’re invading your planet. Tomorrow.”

“I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

The man produces something from his pocket. It looks like a golf ball. “I hate to do this, but . . .”

He holds up the golf ball, and you watch it turn red, then yellow, then orange.

Then you black out.

Go here
.

IT’S BEEN EITHER
the best sleep of your life or the worst stretch of snoozing imaginable. But that’s been up to you, you know? Sometimes you gotta get some positive thinking before getting some positive snoring.

It takes you a while to get going, however. Commander Noble doesn’t simply wake you up via your headset. He’s standing over you, nudging you awake. You notice he’s out of his space suit.

“We’ve made it safely,” he tells you.

John Luke already has his space helmet off and looks like he’s been in a dryer for about an hour.

“How long have you been awake?” you ask the commander.

“A few days. I had to make sure everything was set as we neared the planet.”

“Is it still red?”

Noble smiles. “Yes, Si, Mars is still red.”

“Shoot. I always thought it was some big illusion or something like that.”

“Well, if you want to know the truth . . .”

“People from Earth settled down on it back in the seventies?”

“No. But as for the color
 
—the soil on Mars has a lot of iron oxide in it. It’s more like a rust shade.”

“Or maybe vampires live there.” John Luke laughs with a groggy voice.

“You need to wake up over there, kid,” Noble says. “Look
 
—get out of your suits. The oxygen and stabilizers are all calibrated to this planet.”

“Did you find the ‘entity’ from wacky world?” you ask.

“We found . . . something. You’ll see. Soon.”

When you convene in the galley an hour later, you get the feeling that all the crew members have been awake longer than you and John Luke. So you ask, and sure enough, it turns out each of them woke up at a different time.

After everyone’s gotten some food and liquid in their bellies, the commander starts to explain the plan, Dan.

Just hop on the bus, Gus.

“The first imperative action is to board the
Starsailor
and see if anybody is alive,” Noble says. “So far we’ve been unsuccessful in every attempt at making contact. So we’re sending a group to go on board and check things out.”

“That sounds good,” you say.

“That’s what we do, Si,” Franco says. He slaps you on the back, and you think you might never breathe again.

“You should know that another group will be heading down to Mars to inspect the entity,” Noble points out. “We managed to take some pictures of it after discovering its location. And . . . well, you have to see it for yourself.”

Mission Specialist Kim Sampson gives everybody a printout picture of the mysterious thing that brought you to Mars. You look at it and burst out laughing.

“Ha-ha, I get it. Duck Commander and duck calls.”

“That’s no joke,” Commander Noble says. “It’s real. We had to look and even do some double takes.”

“That’s a duck call,” you insist, jabbing a finger at the image that appears to have been Photoshopped onto the page.

“It resembles one, but that is no duck call. It’s approximately twenty feet tall.”

“This thing?” you ask. “It looks like one we make. The Mach 3. All black.”

“It’s giving off frequencies,” Noble says. “The unaided human ear cannot pick them up, but Kim’s altered them so we can get a sense of what they’re like. Kim, play the recorded transmissions.”

The mission specialist takes out her iPad
and begins tapping on it. Soon you hear something that sounds like a wood duck call. Except a
whole lot
creepier.

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” Ben Parkhurst says. “I think I’ll just stay on board here and monitor you guys.”

“You’re already staying,” Noble reminds him.

The noise reminds you of something crying out in distress. Yet the sharp
weeek-weeek-weeek
is so similar to the way Jase might blow a call.

“We need to assign the groups now,” Commander Noble says. “Ashley and I are going down to Mars to check out the entity. Wade
 
—” he gestures to the quiet mission specialist, who’s sitting near the corner
 
—“will be leading a team over on the
Starsailor
. Ben and Jada will be staying behind on the ship. What will you do, Silas?”

You think about it for a minute. Investigating the duck call sounds really cool. Plus, you’re not too sure about this Wade fella. He seems like trouble. This leaves you with only two options. And you’re feeling thirsty again.

Do you head down to Mars to investigate this mysterious alien duck call?
Go here
.

Do you decide to stay on the
Enterprise
with Ben and Jada and drink some tea?
Go here
.