Sidekick Returns (2 page)

‘My bachelor party,' he said, grinning ear to ear. ‘I'm getting married tomorrow.'

I smiled. ‘You're getting married tomorrow? Congrat—' I caught myself.
Don't congratulate the criminal, Bremy.
I resumed my stern stare.

‘Wait, shouldn't you already know that?' His brow furrowed as the wheels of his brain turned.

‘I do. I do … ha! Get it.
I do
.' I chuckled nervously. ‘Anyway, I was just thrown by the fact that you're getting married tomorrow, and you're stealing TVs tonight?' He looked down at the TV as if he had forgotten he was holding it. Must be nice to have biceps the size of fetal pigs.

‘Gotta pay for the wedding somehow.'

‘Right.' I nodded. ‘Right.'

‘Hey,' he said. ‘Don't judge. You're a stripper.'

‘I'm not a—' I caught myself and took a steadying breath. It was time to get this crime bust under control. I had a bit of situation here, with Hercules only wearing one cuff. The sane option would be to cut my losses and run. I mean, I could still call 911, but suddenly I had an idea.

‘So, do you want, like, an early bird dance?' I asked, shooting my eyebrows up in two short bursts.

He shifted the weight of the television around while considering. ‘I kind of thought I'd have a drink first.'

‘Come on,' I said, planting my hand on my hip. ‘Put the TV down, and I'll give you a little pre-game show.' He shrugged and did as he was told. This was perfect. I would distract him with my sexual prowess, saunter on over and slip the other cuff over his wrist … just like I had seen in every movie made before the year two thousand.

He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Bring it.'

I took a breath and shook my arms out. Huh, suddenly this felt very awkward, like all my limbs had just grown an extra foot, which was kind of crazy, because I had seen women dance lots of times at work. I knew how it was done. I gave my hips a few experimental waggles. The big guy cleared his cleared throat.

I looked up at him from underneath my eyebrows. He had his hands on his hips, and his head cocked to the side like he couldn't quite figure out what I doing. ‘You need to relax more.'

I blew a piece of hair away from my sweaty, masked face, ‘Thanks.' Right, relax. I took a deep breath.
Relax. Let your body lay the trap with its seductive swing. Let your limbs sway with—

‘Maybe try less hips and more shimmying on the top,' the big man interrupted.

‘You know what?' My arms flopped down to my sides. ‘I can't do this.'

He made a carry on motion with his hands. ‘Keep trying. You'll get it.'

I looked up at the night sky and shook my head. ‘No, I mean, I really can't do this. There are just certain points in your life when you have to decide what kind of crime fighter you want to be, you know? And I don't think I want to be this one … a shimmying one.'

His brow crinkled again. ‘I don't follow.'

‘Here, let's try something,' I said, walking past him towards the van's back door. ‘Give me your wrist. The one with the cuff.' He furrowed his brow.

‘Come on.' I made a quick roll with my hand. ‘We don't have all night.'

He held out his wrist, metal bracelet dangling. I grabbed the empty cuff and quickly snapped it to the backdoor handle.

His eyes narrowed. ‘What are you doing?' I held one finger up while I walked a few steps away, heart pounding in my chest. Once out of earshot, I grabbed my phone, dialled 911, and quickly gave the dispatcher the details. Now it was time to celebrate.

I spun on my heel and planted my fists on my hips.

The big bald man still had his brow furrowed. ‘Who did you just call?'

‘911,' I said, with the fullest, deepest voice I could manage.

Thunder gathered all over his face as he yanked at the cuffs at his wrist. ‘You are so dead,' he growled.

I chuckled heroically, just the way I had practised at home in front of my mirror. ‘I think not. You can consider yourself served.' My eyes squinted, thinking faster than my mouth. ‘Wait. That's not right … and … oh shoot!' I rummaged around my belt. The note! I had forgotten the note! How could I forget the note?

I found the folded piece of paper tucked away in one of my many pockets and unfurled it. It read:

You're Welcome. The Sidekick.

I knew a thing or two about marketing, and this here was my slogan. I couldn't exactly strike fear into the hearts of the criminal population until I got my legend going.

I looked back at the grunting man before me, and took a tentative step forward. ‘I don't suppose you'd put this in your jacket pocket?'

He answered me with explosive yanks on the van door.

‘No?' I shuffled back quickly. ‘It's fine. Never mind.' I looked around. I had to leave it somewhere where the cops would find it. ‘Maybe I'll just put it on the ground h—'

Suddenly a voice boomed from above. ‘Hey!'

My head shot down into the cavity of my shoulders. The voice had come from the same window as the TV. I knew I should probably look up at the threat, but I wasn't quite ready for that yet.

A smile spread across the big man's face. ‘You're in trouble now.'

‘I forgot about your partner, didn't I?'

He nodded. ‘My brother. We're twins.'

‘You don't say,' I mumbled, gearing myself up to turn around. ‘I'm a twin too.'

He rubbed he side of his nose with his cuffed hand. ‘No kidding. Identical?'

‘Uh-huh,' I said, near whispering. ‘You?

He nodded.

‘Oh boy.'

Chapter 2

I sighed and peeked over my shoulder. Yup, I saw a carbon bald-headed copy of the man I had just cuffed to the van looming out from the window above.

‘Nuts.' I spun on my heel and launched myself towards the street.

I heard the brother jump from the window and hit the pavement.

I sprinted down the alley, but I couldn't help but take one glance over my shoulder and—

‘Oh.' I skidded to a stop. Well, he wasn't what I was expecting.

Buddy's face looked just like his brother's, but he was short, and kind of skinny. He wasn't bad looking, and unlike a lot of girls, I liked short guys. They made me feel all tall and supermodelly. I mean, I liked tall guys too—
focus, Bremy
—but this guy was dressed like his brother and had shaved his head like him too, which kind of made him look a little like a kid dressed up as a thug for Halloween. ‘She thinks she's some kind of stripper superhero, Dougie,' the big guy said.

‘I'm not a stripper!' I snapped. ‘And I never said I was a superhero!' Although I totally was … almost … or soon to be, once I got my mentor back.

‘She called the cops!'

Dougie and I stood sizing each other up for a moment, before he said, ‘Give me the key.'

‘Um … no?' I couldn't let my first successful nabbing of a criminal go so easily. The police were on their way. I just needed to hold him off for a few more minutes.

Dougie made a clicking sound with his tongue before saying, ‘I don't want to hurt you, lady.'

I snorted. Then I slapped my hand over my nose as my eyes widened in horror at what I had done. Dougie's big brother gave me a look reserved for the worst sort of people.

I grimaced apologetically before looking back at his brother. I mean, I wanted to arrest him and all, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I knew how sensitive guys could be about size. I cleared my throat then said, ‘With all due respect, I don't really want to hurt you either.'

He pushed his sleeves up his thin forearms. ‘Oh, you don't want to hurt me, do you?'

‘No! I mean, I'm sorry. I'm not handling this well.' I suddenly felt very sweaty. ‘It's just your brother's all big,' I said, making an all-over big shape with my hands, ‘and you're all—' I stopped when I realised my hands were now making an itty-bitty shape. I dropped them. They weren't helping.

‘I don't normally lay hands on women, but for you, I might just make an exception.' He rolled his shoulders a few times and stretched his neck. ‘Now, I'm going say it one last time. Give me the key.'

‘I can't do that,' I said, shaking my head. ‘This means a lot to me.'

The brothers exchanged confused looks. I was guessing they were baffled about the depth and breadth of my sanity. I was getting a lot of that lately.

Then it was on. The little brother lunged at me. I jumped out of the way, sending him sprawling onto the pavement.

The big man gave me another horrified look.

What do you want me to do?
I mouthed back.

‘That's it!' The smaller man lunged at me again … and what happened next was shameful.

I swear, I didn't want to do it—it was just a reflex—but before I even realised what I was doing, my hand shot out, palm landing on his forehead. I was holding him back with the straight-arm as he swung uselessly with his fists. ‘I am so sorry,' I said, watching the man flail his arms. ‘I am so sorry.'

‘I'll show you sorry,' he grunted.

This was not at all how I intended this to go down. I was supposed to be feeling heroic, not like a playground bully. What's more, I did not want to be here when the cops showed up. I had an identity to keep secret.

‘Look,' I said. ‘I'm going to drop my arm, and maybe we can work something out.'

The man stopped swinging, and I dropped my arm. Then
he
dropped to the ground and kicked me in the ankle! ‘Ow!' I fell onto my hands and knees. Dougie's foot slammed onto my back, pinning me like a bug. I struggled against the dirty pavement, but I couldn't get any leverage. Anger simmered in my belly. I had tried being nice, and Dougie had used it against me. Well, two could play that game. I whipped my hand around fast as lightning and slipped my fingers under Dougie's pant leg. Then, before he even knew what was happening, I pinched a bunch of his leg hair between my fingers and yanked it out.

‘Gah!'Dougie screamed, hopping backwards.

I exploded to my feet, wiping my fingers on my thigh.

We faced off again. ‘Well, what are you gonna do, Stripperella?' Dougie shouted, throwing his arms wide. What
was
I going to do? I didn't want to beat him up. I wasn't even all that sure I could. But then again, I didn't want him to beat me up. It turned out we were pretty equally matched. So what did that leave? Of course! I was smarter than I had given myself credit for. I hadn't come completely unprepared. I reached around slowly with both hands to the back of my belt.

His eyes widened and his hands went up. ‘Don't shoot.'

I scoffed. ‘Please, I can't be trusted with a gun. Besides, I've got something better.' A moment passed.

‘What are you fiddling with back there?'

I grunted. ‘Nothing … just give me a … there!'

I whipped my hands back around and flung the piece of lighted flash paper directly at him. The little sheet went up in a brilliant flame between us as I pivoted hard to take off down the alley. It was just the distraction I needed to make my getaway. I would live to fight another day, and really, I would just be happy to live. Suddenly I heard an angry yell that almost sounded a little pained behind me.

I hesitated. The paper shouldn't have hurt him. It was a magic trick. Kids could use it. Granted, I had made it myself. Maybe I got the chemicals wrong. Maybe I—

‘My eyebrows!'

I stopped and peeked over my shoulder. The man was feeling all over his forehead with his fingertips. ‘You burnt off my eyebrows!'

‘Really?'

‘My brother's wedding's tomorrow!' he yelled. ‘The best man always gets laid!'

‘Oh Dougie,' I said, sadly shaking my head. ‘Not always. Not always.' I suddenly brightened. ‘But maybe with a makeover—'

The fury in his eyes snapped my mouth shut. Uh-oh. ‘Now, I'm really going to kill you!'

I spun my head back around and sprinted forward. I had about two hundred yards before I would make it to the opening of the alley. There was no guarantee he would stop there, but running was the only option I had left.

My arms and legs pumped while my heart hammered in my chest.

I was giving it all I had, but I could still hear the outraged screams behind me, and they were getting closer.

Then I heard something else.

My salvation. I stopped and spun towards my attacker.

He jolted back in surprise. Wow, his eyebrows really were gone … and the skin looked a little red. I shuddered. ‘Do you hear that?' I said, pointing a finger towards the opening of the alley.

His eyes darted about before settling on me with realisation.

‘The cops are almost here.'

He looked back over his shoulder at his brother.

‘Let's go!' the big man shouted.

Dougie growled and clenched his fists.

‘Come on!'

Dougie narrowed his eyes at me. ‘This isn't over.'

‘Really?' I exhaled a sigh through my nose. ‘Don't you want it to be over? I want it to be over. I found the whole thing to be kind of … awkward.'

Dougie coughed a laugh. ‘Not as awkward as the idea of you being a stripper.'

My eyes flew wide. ‘Why I oughta! Come here you little—'

He spun on his heel, and I had to fight the urge to grab him by the cuff of his jacket and shake him around.

Then a new happy thought popped into my brain. They couldn't get away! The big guy was still cuffed to the back of the van. The police would catch them both. And my note was on the ground! This was terrific! This was—

The sight of the big man hopping into the back of the van, leaving one door open, with the cuffed hand curved out around the back of the other door, stomped the happy out of my thoughts. When he saw me looking, he stopped, then gave his hips a sarcastic wiggle, apparently mocking my earlier attempt at striptease.