Signs (14 page)

The lube was open too. Just reading the instructions on how to correctly apply a condom to an erect penis had turned him on, his mind going to all the things that would happen
after
the condom was on the penis. He’d used some of the lube in the palm of his hand when he’d jerked off, deciding that the slick slide was better than doing it dry or with a handful of spit.

Luc left the instructions in the box and pulled out one of the condoms, then straddled Caleb’s thighs as he split the packet open. Caleb balled his hands into fists on the bed, and his jaw tensed as Luc figured out which way round the latex needed to go, then pressed it over the head of Caleb’s cock and rolled it down all the way to the root. He twisted the cap off the lube and rubbed some on top of the condom, then rolled over onto his back next to Caleb. There was still some lube on his fingers, so he reached down between his legs and rubbed it over his hole.

For a moment he was worried they were going too quickly, or that maybe Caleb wasn’t ready for this yet. Then his boyfriend reached over and, with his hand cupping Luc’s cheek, kissed him with such tender passion that his fears were swept away.

For a few moments, Luc let his whole world be this bed and the way Caleb kissed him. Then Caleb took the lube from the nightstand and squeezed some onto his fingertips. He nudged Luc back and reached down to where Luc had swiped the small amount over his own hole.

It was intense, feeling another person’s fingers inside himself, even though Caleb was achingly tender as he pushed and twisted and curled his fingers, and all Luc could do was grip Caleb’s arm tight and screw his eyes shut and ride it out. Because he knew what was coming next.

He expected it to hurt, and it did.

Caleb was so gentle, so careful with Luc’s body as he positioned himself between Luc’s thighs and eased inside, but it was a new experience for him too, and he couldn’t know what sort of reaction his actions would cause. Luc arched his back away from the bed, gasping for air, then forcing himself to breathe deeply, to relax and trust that it would feel good soon.

When Caleb was most of the way there, he paused and leaned in to share more kisses. Luc needed that, just as much as whatever else their bodies were doing. Kisses were something they knew, something they were actually good at. Kissing made sense, it connected them, and it let him fly free.

Luc reached up to cradle Caleb’s neck in his palm, silently asking Caleb to look at him.

“I’m okay,” Luc whispered, leaning up to press their foreheads together and rubbing his nose against Caleb’s. “Please.”

He relaxed against the pillows again and rocked his hips, experimentally this time. “Please,” he said again.

C
ALEB
STARTED
to move, pulling his cock out of the incredible tight heat, then sinking back inside, a little deeper than before. With only visual or physical cues to guide him, Caleb tried to keep his eyes open in the dim light to watch his partner moving in a sensual, undulating rhythm.

It wasn’t really surprising that Luc’s natural sexuality and grace transformed into something incredible when they made love. He seemed to be in constant motion, pressing himself against Caleb’s body one moment and tearing himself away the next, screwing his eyes shut and then opening them wide in pleasure, biting down hard on his lower lip or letting his sweet, full lips part in a delicate gasp.

“God, Caleb,” Luc moaned. “Fuck. Oh my God.”

Luc arched away, stretching his neck so the long, smooth line of his throat was exposed for Caleb’s soft kisses. When Luc drew his knees up and wrapped his legs around Caleb’s waist, Caleb took this as his invitation to take more.

Their minds might not have worked out all the technicalities of this act just yet, but their bodies seemed to understand and guided them through the fear and the lust that were there in equal measures, helping them to turn this into an act of making love.

L
UC
FOUND
himself unable to keep still, his body arching and reacting to each delicious pull and stretch. After the initial pain of penetration, his cock had deflated, but with each gentle thrust of Caleb’s hips he felt it start to grow again. He kept his hand there, a familiar comfort as he rolled the hardening flesh in his palm, feeling the brush of Caleb’s belly against the back of his hand.

He wrapped his arm around Caleb’s shoulders and didn’t make any attempt to stop the sobbing cries that escaped from his lips. Caleb was making noises too, not dissimilar to those when Luc sucked him but deeper now, like the noises were made in a different part of his chest.

“I think I’m—” Luc gasped, gripping on to Caleb’s arm so hard it hurt. “Caleb.”

Then he came, shooting between them and trembling. While he was still recovering, he felt Caleb’s hips snap up, finding the deepest, most complete point between them and holding there. Caleb cried out when he came, a guttural noise that seemed to touch Luc’s very soul.

Breathing hard, Luc pressed his face to Caleb’s chest, his arms still wrapped up and clinging on tightly.

“Please don’t let go,” he whispered, even though he knew Caleb couldn’t hear him.

Or maybe there was some other way of communicating his desperation to be held in that moment, because Caleb just shifted on the bed and rearranged his legs, and suddenly they were in that position Luc liked to wake up in, the one where he felt so, so safe.

They held each other for what felt like a small eternity, wanting the moment, this experience, to last forever. It couldn’t of course, and Caleb pressed a delicate kiss to Luc’s cheek before rolling off the bed for the bathroom.

When he returned Luc had cleaned his stomach off with Caleb’s underwear and was curled up on his side, looking vulnerable and beautiful. Caleb immediately lowered himself back onto the bed and scooped Luc up into his arms, needing the contact, the weight of Luc’s body against his own.

Luc laid his head on Caleb’s chest, his cheek pressed tight to the smooth, warm skin. He felt more at home here than he had anywhere else. It felt
right
.

“I love you,” Luc choked, his voice catching and breaking. “I love you.”

Caleb held on tight and heard nothing.

D
UE
TO
some fault in scheduling, Luc didn’t have that many classes with his friends, even though he’d complained to the administration department about it more than once. They insisted he needed to integrate himself, to get to know his classmates better.

Fuck that
, was Luc’s general attitude as far as that was concerned. The last time he’d tried to “make friends” with one of the popular kids he’d been looked at like he had fleas. Thankfully, one of the few classes he shared with Ellery was his bio lab on Monday mornings. Saying good-bye to Caleb had been nothing short of traumatic, and he needed to vent to someone who understood.

It turned out he didn’t need to spell things out for her.

“So, this weekend,” Luc started.

Ellery’s eyes widened dramatically. “You had
sex
,” she hissed.

“Shut up,” Luc said under his breath, not wanting any of their classmates to overhear.

“Oh, no way,” she said, shifting her lab stool closer. “You need to tell me everything.
Everything
.”

Luc shrugged. “So I had sex,” he said.

“With Caleb?”

“Yes, with Caleb,” he said, offended. “Who else would I be having sex with?”

Ellery held her hands up. “Sorry,” she said. Then, in a lower voice, “What was it like?”

For a minute or two Luc concentrated on copying the formula into his notebook, not because he was interested in it but to delay the inevitable grilling.

“It was incredible,” he said eventually, giving in. “He was incredible. I’m so in love with him, Ellery.”

“Aw,” she sighed. “You’re so cute.”

“Sometimes being away from him during the week, it actually hurts, you know? Not this metaphorical pain but real hurt, right here.” Luc rubbed his knuckles over his sternum. “But when I get to see him again at the end of the week, that’s such a fucking rush. He holds on to me, and I feel like I can breathe again.”

Ellery was silent, looking at him strangely. “Wow. You really do love him.”

Luc nodded. “Yeah.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“What….” He looked at Ellery, who nodded pointedly, her eyebrows raised high. “Oh. Um, a little, but not much. I was expecting it to hurt, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.”

“That’s good,” she said. “My first time was horrible.”

“Caleb was just… so gentle. It’s all happened so quickly. We only met in person a few weeks back, and now I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I’m scared that it could all be over just as quickly.”

“It won’t be,” Ellery said, finding confidence where Luc had none. “If you really care about him, and you obviously do, then you need to figure out what needs to happen to keep things between you solid.”

Luc nodded and rolled his pencil between his fingers. He wasn’t being overly dramatic—the pain of missing Caleb really did follow him around. Without meaning to, his mind kept taking him to dark places, dark thoughts that told him there was nowhere this relationship could go.

Those were old demons, though, and Luc was determined that they had no place in this beautiful thing that was being constructed between himself and Caleb. What they had was pure and honest and real.

“I showed him my birthmark,” Luc said to Ellery, his voice soft.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with your clothes on.”

Luc pushed her playfully. “I hate showing people.”

Ellery tapped her pencil against her lips and looked at him inquisitively. “I think…,” she said, “from what you told me, he probably looked at it, shrugged, and decided he didn’t give a shit.”

Luc conceded and laughed. “Pretty much. It was like it didn’t bother him at all.”

“Luc,” Ellery said, sounding exasperated. “Caleb is
deaf
. He deals with a physical disability all the time. Why the fuck would he care about some damaged pigmentation in your skin? You love him because of who he is. Why would he feel any different about you?”

When she put it like that, it seemed obvious. “He loves me.”

“Yes, you doofus. He loves you.”

Luc had watched that morning as Caleb packed his bag when the light was still creeping over the horizon, wanting to wait until the last possible moment to leave Luc but needing to get to the bus station to get his early ride back to Boston. They kissed slowly in the chilly predawn until Caleb broke away with a sad smile, pressed their foreheads together, and signed “
Good-bye
.”

Then Luc got on the subway and went to school, feeling like his heart was breaking.

It didn’t get any easier, no matter how many times they had to say it. The familiar ache was back in Luc’s chest, and he rubbed his knuckles over the spot, not minding the pain. It was a reminder that Caleb was his.

“How long till you see him again?” Ellery asked, breaking Luc out of his memory of the morning.

“Soon, I hope. We didn’t make any plans yet.”

“Next time he’s here I want to meet him.”

Luc grinned. “I think we can do that.”

12. UNTHINKABLE

L
UC
SET
up a coffee date with Ellery in Manhattan over spring break, since she didn’t like having to take the subway out to Queens on her own. Luc had tried to invite Jay along too, but apparently his so-called best friend was far more okay with the concept of Luc’s homosexuality than the reality.

In the weeks that Luc had been dating Caleb, he’d tried to keep things on the down-low in school, not wanting to be the big fag on campus. Not that he’d ever been able to hide his sexuality that well, but still….

The problem was, far too many of his classmates followed him on social media, and he’d not been particularly subtle about his relationship on Twitter or Tumblr. So the rumors had spread, and there was little Luc could do to stop them. After the first person asked if it was true—was Luc really dating a deaf boy—he’d made the decision not to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed of Caleb or of what they had together. If anyone else had a problem, well, there wasn’t a lot he could do about it.

Some people treated him differently. A few of Ellery’s friends had started asking him for makeup tips or for his opinion on the boys in school. After reading some horrific coming out stories from his peers, Luc thought he was lucky that at this school, in New York, he had it easy.

Ellery told him to forget it and that Jay was fighting with his own issues, whatever that meant, but Luc couldn’t help but feel hurt. Betrayed. Jay was one of the first people he’d connected to after he transferred to Millennium from Thornton-Donovan School in New Rochelle. Jay was the one who took Luc under his wing—one weird kid finding another, introducing him to everyone else who made up their little gang.

Still, Luc had Ellery, for whatever that was worth, and she seemed like she was going to be cool with Caleb. Luc had explained about Caleb using ASL and had promised to act as translator. She’d still wanted to learn some signs before meeting Caleb, and Luc had spent a week’s worth of lunch breaks dutifully teaching her how to sign.

They met in Starbucks because it was easy to find and Luc knew all three of them could find something they’d like on the menu. Caleb’s preference was for tea, as Luc was learning, which he found slightly endearing.

Ellery hadn’t arrived yet, and her phone wasn’t connecting, so Luc guessed she was still on the subway. They waited in line to get their drinks, and Luc leaned back on Caleb’s chest, because he felt safe and loved like that.

“
Tea
?” he asked Caleb when they got to the front of the line. Caleb grinned and nodded, and Luc placed their order, adding two large muffins at the last moment. He was suddenly hungry.

Caleb rolled his eyes when the barista handed them the tray and took it, letting Luc lead the way to a table in front of the window so they could see when Ellery arrived.