Silas (35 page)

They were sitting around the kitchen
table, pouring over a stack of print-outs.

“
Hey Silas,” said Leigh. “We
haven’t seen much of you today.”

“
Sorry,” I said, opening my
beer with the magnetic beer opener on the refrigerator.

“
Well, what if we don’t use
chairs?” said Christa.

“
We have to have chairs,”
said Sloane. “People have to sit down.”

“
But they aren’t going to
fit,” said Christa.

Griffin tapped a piece of
paper. “I’m telling you, if we get these, they
will
fit.”

“
But those are white, and
Leigh doesn’t want white,” said Christa.

Leigh shrugged at me and
turned back to the table. “No, white’s okay, if that’s what we have
to do.”

“
Doll,” said Griffin, “are
you sure? Because we’re only going to do this once, and if you
don’t like it—”

“
I think so,” said
Leigh.

“
Well, we should get what
Leigh likes,” said Sloane.

I marched over to the table
and grabbed Sloane’s arm. “Can I talk to you?”

She gave me a startled look.
“Um, sure.”

“
Alone?” I raised my
eyebrows.

She made an apologetic face
at the table. “I’ll be back, guys.”

I led her out of the room to the other
side of the house.

When I was sure we were alone and out
of earshot of the others, I let go of her.

“
What’s up?” She looked
concerned.

“
I can’t believe you guys
are doing this,” I said.

“
Doing what?”

“
Planning the wedding,” I
said. “We just barely got home after being trapped in the woods for
days. How is this even remotely appropriate?”

She took a step back.
“You’re mad.”

“
I’m not… mad,” I said.
Hell, maybe I was. “I’m confused. I don’t know how you could think
this is a good idea.”

“
For Griffin and Leigh to
get married? You think that’s bad?”

“
No,” I said. “It’s fine
that they’re getting married. It’s good, even.”

“
This is just because you
don’t believe in commitment,” she said.

“
What?” I rubbed my
face. “This is not about that at all. I’m glad that they’re
committed. I’m glad they have each other. I’m sure that it’s very
comforting to have someone like that. To go through things
together, and then to have someone you could…” I sighed. “It’s too
soon. Give us some time to re-acclimate. Give
Christa
some time. She’s acting so
cheery and happy, and I don’t think she’s even processing
everything that happened.”

She rubbed my arm. “She
seems okay, actually.”

“
No, she’s
acting
okay,” I
said.

“
Are
you
okay?”

“
I’m fine.”

She bit her lip. “You’ve
always been so strong, Silas. I figured you could handle
anything.”

“
I can. It’s not about
me.”

She furrowed her brow.
“Christa says you took all the bullets. She really doesn’t seem
traumatized. Maybe you’re just so used to trying to take care of
her out there, that it feels weird to know she’s safe?”

I shook my head. I started to say
something else.

But then I realized what the
problem was. I realized why they were all so gung-ho about the
wedding.

It was because they
wanted
to believe
everything was okay.

They didn’t want to think
that Christa had been terrorized or that I’d been messed up in the
head.

It was better for everyone
if no actual damage had been done.

I could disabuse them of that notion if
I wanted. I could tell them about all kinds of terrible things that
had happened.

But it seemed cruel.

Maybe it would be better to let them
have their illusions.

I took a slug of my beer.
“Go plan your wedding.”

“
Silas, if there’s something
wrong—”

“
No, you’re right,” I said.
“I’m still in that trying-to-protect her mode. But she’s safe now.
She’s safe. If she wants to enjoy that, well, I’ve got no right to
stop her.”

* * *

I dreamed about Sylvia.

I was in my bunk at Op
Wraith, the darkness thick around me. She climbed into bed with me,
snuggling close and whispering that there was no way that Derek
would find her here. As long as I kept her hidden, she’d be
safe.

And then I woke up.

And I was in my bed at home
in Morgantown, not in Op Wraith. And it wasn’t Sylvia who had
crawled into bed with me, but Christa.

“
Sorry,” she mumbled,
turning on her side and thrusting her ass against my crotch. “I was
used to sleeping close to you, I guess, and I was tossing and
turning in the guest room.”

I sucked in breath. Her body was warm
and lithe, and I was just waking up. I could feel my dick
lengthening inside my boxers.

Damn it.

I tried to move away from her before
she felt it.

She giggled softly.
“You
do
want me
still, Silas.”

“
You woke me up,” I growled.
“It does that when I wake up. It’s got nothing to do with
you.”

“
Sure, it doesn’t.” She was
still giggling.

I moved away from her, to
the other side of the bed. “God damn it, Christa.”

She rolled onto her back.
“Why are you so mad at me?”

“
I’m not mad.”

“
You’ve been avoiding me all
day.”

“
You’ve been avoiding
everything all day,” I said. “Are you really that into planning
weddings?”

“
It’s a nice distraction,”
she said. “It helps to not have to think about Rolf all the
time.”

“
Yeah?” I said. “How’s that
working out for you?”

She scooted over to me,
resting her head on my shoulder, pressing her body into mine.
“Easier when it’s not dark outside. Can’t you just hold me? Like
the other night? Please?”

I let out a noisy breath.
“Maybe I can’t.”

She lifted her head to look
down at me. “Why not?”

“
Maybe it’s too confusing
and too awful,” I said.

“
Confusing because of your
hard-on?” she said. “Because we can totally do it if you
want.”

I shoved her off of me.
“
No
.”

“
Jesus.” She shrank from
me.

“
I’m sorry,” I
muttered.

Her voice was small. “You
really
don’t
want
me.”

I shut my eyes. “It’s
confusing.”

“
Okay,” she said, “but can I
stay here tonight, at least? I really don’t think I can sleep
alone.”

Now she sounded so sad and
beaten that it broke my heart. I reached for her. I pulled her into
my arms. “Yes, you can stay,” I whispered into her hair.

She clung to me. “I’ll get
better, I think. It’s only that it’s the first night.”

“
Is this why you didn’t nap
today?”

“
Maybe.”

“
Shit, Christa, you have to
stop pretending like everything’s okay.”

“
But I
want
everything to be
okay.”

“
But it’s
not
.”

“
Sure, it is,” she said. “I
can make it okay.” Suddenly, her hands were moving on me, darting
under the band of my boxers. She grasped my dick.

I choked.

She started to stroke me.
“It can be okay, Silas. It can be just like nothing happened. You
can want me again, and we can have sex, and it can be
okay.”

“
Christa…”

Her hand felt good there. I
couldn’t deny it.

She quickened her pace. Her
voice went breathy. “Oh, you’re so hard, Silas. You have such a
hard, huge cock.”

She was against the tree,
the bark digging into her back, and Rolf was between her
legs.

I ripped her hand away.
“What the fuck are you doing?”

She flinched.

“
What the hell
is
wrong
with
you?”

She rolled away, so that she
wasn’t facing me.

“
How can you want to do that
after what happened to you?”

“
I don’t know.” Her voice
was strained. “Maybe it’s like getting thrown from a horse, you
know. You have to get right back on, or you’ll be afraid
forever.”

“
So, you don’t want to do
it, but you’re forcing yourself to.”

“
I don’t know.”

Shit. She was crying.

I tentatively touched her
shoulder. “Christa, aren’t you just trying to make it your
idea?”

“
It is my idea.”

“
You think it’s going to be
better if you start it, if you control it. But you tried that
before, and it meant that you had sex where you never got to have
orgasms.”

“
No, Silas.” She sniffed. “I
would let you do that. It would be okay if I was out of control
with you. You’re different.”

Shit. I wrapped my arms
around her. “I can’t.”

“
Why not? You don’t think
I’m attractive anymore?”

“
No, of course you’re
beautiful. So beautiful.” I pulled her tightly into my chest. “Do
you remember what you said to me? That we were the same, and that
we both couldn’t stand to be out of control, and that was why we
had sex with people but refused to feel anything for
them?”

“
Yeah,” she said. “It’s
true. We are the same.”

“
Well, maybe it would
be the best thing for us to
not
have sex, you know? Like maybe we have too much
sex.”

“
No such thing,” she
said.

“
Besides,” I said. “I feel
things for you.”

“
No, you don’t,” she
said.

“
I do,” I said. “You know
that. You gave me shit about it in the woods.”

“
I was teasing,” she said.
“I know you don’t really—”

“
I do,” I said. “I care
about you a lot, and it kills me that you don’t care about me
back.”

“
Silas…” She laughed a
little. “You’re just saying that because you feel sorry for
me.”

“
I’m not,” I
said.

“
Shit,” she said. “Now I
feel like I shouldn’t sleep here.”

She was trapped in my arms.

“
I’m not letting you go
anywhere,” I whispered. “Just go to sleep, okay?”

“
Are you sure?”

“
Positive.”

* * *

“
Silas, wake up!” My
sister’s voice, full of panic.

I sat straight up in bed,
cracking my elbow against Christa’s head, because she was lying
next to me.

“
Ow.” She clutched her
head.

I winced.
“Sorry.”

Sloane pushed the door open,
a phone in her hand. “Christa’s not in her room.” Then she saw us.
“Oh,” she said in a different tone of voice.

Christa massaged her head, making a
pained face.

Sloane was speechless for a
moment. Then recovered, thrusting the phone at Christa. “It’s your
brother. He wants to talk to you.”

Christa took the phone.
“Hey, Griffin…. No, I’m fine, I just hit my head.” She walked out
of the room, still rubbing the place I’d collided with
her.

I pushed aside the covers and got out
of bed.

Sloane was staring at me.

“
What?” I said.

“
So, that’s why she wanted
to stay here,” she said.

“
No, it’s not like that,” I
said. “She just got freaked out last night. While we were out
there, we slept close a lot. For body heat. Protection. Comfort.
She just… got scared, that’s all.”

Sloane folded her arms over
her chest. “So, you were like, ‘You’re scared? Sure, hop into bed
with me’?”

“
She climbed into my bed.
She didn’t ask permission.”

“
I can’t believe you’re
still sleeping with her. Did you guys get it on like bunnies while
you were out in the woods?”

“
No, it’s not like that,” I
said. “We’re not having sex.”

Sloane let out a
disbelieving laugh. “Yeah, right.”

“
We’re both fully clothed,
aren’t we?” I glared at her.

She considered. “You guys
really aren’t sleeping together? I mean, obviously you just slept
together, but… that’s all you did?”