Silent Cry (13 page)
Nate even agreed with me that God was the only way our relationship would work. Though
he wasn't ready to go to church, he consented to do a Bible study with me and another
couple from my church. I was still shaken from the incident with the girl from Florida,
but I saw it as an opportunity for us to strengthen our bond and establish trust,
and for Nate to finally commit his life to the Lord. I knew that total forgiveness
was required from me, and I gave it.
Still, at times I caught myself looking in the mirror and wondered who it was that
was staring back at me. Once confident and bold, I had become unsure of myself.
I missed my close relationship with God. I still knew him and trusted him, but I
was no longer deeply intimate with him. The sense of loss was overwhelming. I felt
God calling me to return to him.
Nate invited me to take a trip with him to Atlanta. Road trips with Nate were the
best. And maybe that was just what we needed right then. It was a lovely drive, and
we were never in a
hurry. We took our time to stop and see anything that captured
our interest. We talked comfortably about everything and were totally at ease with
one another. We met up with friends of his and shared the most beautiful four-day
weekend together.
Our first night together on the road, I reminded Nate that I had only been back on
the pill for one week. He brushed it off, reassuring me that nothing would happen,
that I should trust him. We were both aware of the risks, but neither one of us thought
for one moment that I would conceive. The pill was our magic shield against responsibility.
From then on, we were sexually intimate on a regular basis, so I don't know exactly
when it happened. But early in February, my family came into town, and I was feeling
a little sick. When I complained of nausea, my mother looked me right in the eyes
and said, “Dorothy, you're not pregnant, are you?”
“Mama! No!” I exclaimed. “How can you say that?” Being pregnant never entered my
mind. I felt safe on the pill.
It wasn't until a full two months later that I realized the truth. I was stunned.
How could this have happened?
We never used any extra protection because I was taking
birth control pills, and the “98 percent effective” promise sounded like pretty good
odds. I felt protected from the risk, so I was willing to take it.
In those moments of passion and intimacy, God was the last thing on my mind. And
my fears of being unequally yoked to Nate in marriage somehow didn't translate into
a fear of creating a soul tie with this man through our sexual relationship or the
possibility of creating a baby in the process. But I had made my choice, and I knew
what I was doing. It was a decision that changed my life forever.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the L
ORD
, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
G
od's best for my life was all I had ever wanted. No longer did that seem possible.
I
stared
down at the pregnancy test in disbelief. I read the instructions once more, hoping
that maybe I had done something wrong to make the test inaccurate. But there was
no denying it: I was pregnant.
I looked in the mirror and felt sick. The woman who stared back at me was a stranger.
She looked lost and confused and totally without hope. The sadness in her eyes was
unbearable. I turned away and crumpled in a heap on the floor. I had never felt so
alone. What a mess! What was I going to do? What would my family say?
Oh
,
Mama!
I grabbed a towel and hugged it to my chest, squeezing it until my knuckles hurt
and my hands were shaking. My mind went to all the people I had studied the Bible
with in college. I thought about everyone I had witnessed to and how many of them
had come to know the Lord. I could see their faces. I felt as if I had let every
one of them down. I was a fraud.
How could I have been so stupid?
Those thoughts
overwhelmed me with grief and sorrow. Then I tried to imagine what God must think
of me and how I had turned my back on him. Sobs shook my body. I don't know how long
I lay there crying, but I cried until there were no tears left. I was disgusted with
myself.
Oh, what had I done?
I grew cold lying there on the floor. Shame and fear gave way to pity, and depression
settled over me like a dark, ominous cloud. Then my thoughts wandered to Nate.
What
would
he think? How would he react?
I didn't really blame him; I was too filled with
blaming myself.
How would I tell him? What would he say?
I avoided him for days, not sure how to break the news. I was miserable. Doubt, fear,
frustration, anger â my emotions were boiling just beneath the surface, and I found
it hard to concentrate on anything.
I went to see my doctor, and he confirmed that I was, in fact, pregnant. He seemed
sad for me and asked about the father. I told him who it was. In a very kind gesture,
he invited me to have dinner with him and his wife in their home. I was so desperate
and alone that I accepted. They prayed for me and were supportive and encouraging
without one hint of judgment. I was overwhelmed by their kindness.
Later, I called Sheila, my college roommate and best friend, and asked to meet her.
Even though we were both wrapped up in our separate lives, our bond was still close,
and I knew I needed to tell her the news in person.
“I'm pregnant,” I blurted out, not sure how else to begin. I knew Sheila wouldn't
judge me. She hugged me tightly and held me with such kindness. Her voice was tender.
“Dot, I saw you drifting away. You were so in love that I didn't want to interfere.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, I felt so ashamed. I was grateful for her friendship
at this moment. Sharing my burden with her was such a relief. “What should I do?”
I asked, not really expecting an answer.
“Don't worry,” she smiled, “we're going to get through this.”
After talking to Sheila,
I knew I needed to call Bug, the mother hen in our little trio. At first she fussed
at me. “I could see this coming. You haven't been the same person since Nate. I tried
to tell you” â and on and on she went. Then her voice
softened, and her affection
for me came shining through. “Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna
work out just fine. You'll see.” We talked for quite some time, and I felt less alone.
Now I just needed to tell Nate.
I gathered my courage. It was clear to me that the people who loved me might be disappointed
in me, but they would still love me. I was sure it would be the same with Nate.
Nate and I had dinner plans to visit with our friends Lynn and Kelvin (K-Mart) Martin
that Friday night, so I decided to tell Nate on Thursday. He came by the apartment
as usual, and since I had been avoiding him for a few days, things were a little
tense. We were usually together every day, so this break in the routine had left
him wary.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked.
“Nathaniel,” I looked at him, hoping he would just guess the trouble so I wouldn't
have to actually say the words.
He looked at me intently, sensing I was about to tell him something important. I
could see the muscles in his neck tighten, and his face was a mixture of concern
and frustration.
“Nathaniel, I'm pregnant.”
“You're what?” he said. “You knew I didn't want any kids!” he shouted.
I stared at him in shock.
“You knew what we were doing, Nathaniel Newton!” I answered, suddenly angry. “It
wasn't like I was trying to trap you or anything. Having a baby wasn't part of my
plan either.”
We argued for some time, angry words spilling out from both of us until Nate walked
out cursing and slammed the door behind him.
I hadn't been prepared for such an outburst of rage. I didn't expect him to be overjoyed,
but I never dreamed he would be so angry â and so angry with me.
An hour passed. I sat alone, numb. My mind couldn't seem to make two thoughts line
up in a row. Random bits of information flooded my mind, but none of it made any
sense. Then there was a knock at the door, and Nate had returned. He was still mad.
“Why are you so upset?” I asked.
“What about me?” was his response. “How do you think I feel?”
I just stared back at him, not sure how to answer. He walked across the room, sat
down, sighed deeply, and then told me he already had two children and didn't want
any more.
I was stunned. I don't know how long I sat there trying to take in this new information.
Did I really even know this man at all?
“Why didn't you ever tell me?” I finally managed to ask.
“What does it matter to you?” he said.
I couldn't believe that Nate had children out there somewhere.
Who were they? Where
did they live? Did he see them? Who was their mother? How old? Boys? Girls?
I couldn't
stop the questions, but I didn't voice a single one of them to Nate. I didn't dare.
I had taken most of the next day off from work, knowing I was going to tell Nate
that night and somehow sensing it might not go well. This only increased his anger
toward me.
“Why didn't you save the vacation day so we could take a trip?” he asked. Nate loved
nothing more than road trips, and during the off-season he had more free time available
than I did, so I had been using my vacation days for trips with Nate.
“I thought this was important,” I answered, hurt that he was being so selfish.
Nate responded with a barrage of insults and accusations, blaming me for the pregnancy.
I answered with indignation,
blaming him for his lies. The argument continued, escalating
until Nate left again, hurling profanities as he slammed the door on his way out.
The next morning I went into the office to go to a meeting. Nate showed up as I sat
at my desk after the meeting had ended.
“I thought you took the day off?” he said, accusation thick in his voice.
“I just came in for a one-hour meeting,” I answered. “I'm getting ready to go now.”
Nate nodded, and we walked out in silence. He had his arm lightly on my elbow and
directed me toward his truck.
“Get in,” he said while calmly opening the passenger door for me. I slid into my
familiar place, closing my eyes and wishing I could make this nightmare end.
Nate walked around to the driver's side, opened the door, and climbed inside. He
sat there quietly for a few moments, then reached over and took my hand. “We'll work
it out,” he said, his voice soft and low.
I felt my muscles relax, and I let out a long sigh. This was the Nate I knew. I leaned
over and melted into his embrace. It felt good to be held by him. I didn't want to
do this alone.
We sat in the parking lot for a while, and Nate told me he still wanted to go to
the Martins together that night. He wanted to tell them about the baby. This was
encouraging to me. Maybe everything really would work out okay. Maybe Nate would
be just fine about it after all.
We went to dinner as planned. Lynn and K-Mart were good friends, and being with them
felt natural. Nate told them the news, and I was surprised at how upbeat and nonchalant
he sounded. Surprise, surprise! Lynn and K-Mart had news for us â they were expecting
too! Suddenly it was a party! We learned that our due dates were very close together.
Lynn and I
had lots to talk about, and Nate seemed to be very excited about the prospect
of having a baby. I was never so relieved!
The next day, I decided it was time to call my family. There was no point in putting
it off any longer. I called my mom first. “I knew you were pregnant, Dorothy,” she
said. “I could tell the moment I saw you. I've been wondering when you were going
to call.”