Silver Heart (Historical Western Romance) (Longren Family series #1) (10 page)

             
It was, and it did, and within an hour of my arrival, I called Mr. Barnett to visit his wife and new son, then stayed long enough to insure her health and convince the father away from his new arrival long enough to see me back to Mr. Longren's house.

              It was full dark when we set off.

             
Mr. Barnett obviously didn't want to be away from his wife but he was cheerful and talkative, telling me about his other children, whose names and ages I couldn't remember and wasn't, in fact, completely sure he remembered; they seemed to change.  He told me about meeting Mrs. Barnett, and about moving to Gold Hill and about just about everything.

             
I was happy to let him talk.  His gregarious good cheer allowed me to rest on the hard seat of the buckboard, my basket wedged between my feet, my mind wandering.  It had been a long and terrible day, with a good ending.  Mrs. Barnett was healthy and happy, her new son lively and squalling.  A happy ending for them.

             
They'd insisted on paying me and though I wanted to charge for my services, to be able to help out the household I still seemed to be becoming part of, they had so little I had to convince myself to take the payment.  Sometimes pride is more important than the actual ability to pay.  So, I had silver dollars in my basket, and a bit of oat cake Mrs. Barnett had made earlier in the day, which amazed me.  She'd probably been laboring even then and she'd done her baking and put dinner on the table, no doubt.  I was tired just having attended to her during the birth of her child.

             
And from the rest of the day, as well.

             
Hutch had left a lantern on the kitchen bench, and gone off to bed already.  The grandfather clock struck ten as I entered the house, waving Mr. Barnett back to his family.  All at once, the exhaustion set in and my bones seemed to weigh too much and my spirit wasn't up to moving, not any further.

             
There was old coffee in the pot on a back burner, faintly warm.  I poured a cup and sat down in the chair I'd used my first day when Hutch and I had talked so long and I'd had so much hope for the future.  When Matthew had slept on the davenport in the sitting room.  When everything had been new, and possible.

             
Outside, the stars were bright, harder, and more defined than they were on the streets of Boston.  I could hear the wind blowing and somewhere again coyotes, though they were farther away tonight. 

             
There was a way to fix what had happened.  There had to be.  I couldn't have ruined everything, not so soon after finding that I actually wanted everything.  I wanted to make a life for us.

             
I finished the coffee and shoved the mug away, letting my arms stretch out across the table.  Matthew had loved Ellie before she and Hutch had fallen in love.  It was possible Matthew had only meant to hurt Hutch, but I didn't think so.  Maybe that was my pride, as important to me as Mr. Barnett's pride that made him pay what he couldn't afford, but I didn't think that either.  Matthew's glances had been as shy as mine, and I didn't think I'd misread them.

             
It would have been the only time.  We were trying to move past it.

             
There had to be a way to fix it.             

             
I yawned and lowered my head, resting it on the inside of my arm where it stretched across the table.  In the morning, I'd give Hutch the money I'd made tonight.  If he thought we should keep it, I'd ask him to bank it however he cared to.

             
In the morning, I'd make him breakfast, convince him to eat before he went to the mines, and I'd sit with him.

             
In the morning, I'd put this day behind me.

             
In the morning, Hutch woke me with a gentle touch on the shoulder.  I woke with a jolt, confused to find myself sitting upright, my arms aching and sore.  I looked around wildly and found Hutch standing beside me.

             
"Did you stay the night right here?  Are you all right?  Can you move?"

             
My arms were pins and needles, cold to the touch but already the blood was flowing back into them.  I didn't try standing just yet.  "I fell asleep," I said, surprised.

             
It was only the ghost of a smile, but it hovered around his mouth.  "Appears so, Miss Maggie.  How did you fare at the Barnett's house?" 

             
I blinked.  I had wanted to be up, cooking, my appearance put together.  Oh, well.  "She had a son," I said, and as Hutch said
good, good
. I remembered.  "They paid me.  I didn't want them to."  I started digging in the basket.

             
"You don't want to be paid for your services?"

             
"No, I do want to be paid," I said, unearthing the coins, which I handed to him.  I met his eyes and found them impassive.  Better than what they could have been.  "I fear they can't afford it though.  Should I have taken it?"

             
And that, of all things, made him smile at me.  "Mr. Barnett drinks.  He spends too much of the too little he makes in saloons in town.  But the man has pride, and that means something.  You did the right thing, taking it."  He paused.  "And all went well?"

             
Excitement washed through me, in part because of the successful birth, in part because he was speaking and asking me for more than to pass the salt.  "Yes!  She'd been laboring a while.  It didn't take too long and everyone is healthy."

             
He nodded, still with that small almost-smile.  "Then, I dare say you'll have wives in this town coming to you now.  I need to get to the mine but I'll be home for midday."

             
He'd already turned away.  I stood, wanting to put my arms around him and give him a kiss.  Instead, I said, "Hutch?  Do you have time for breakfast?  I could cook you eggs, and Mrs. Barnett sent home some baking."

             
He tilted his head at that, as if considering whether the woman had stood from childbed and made something for us, then shook his head.  "I don't have time.  But I'll join you midday."

              My morning was energized.  I moved fast, bathing and dressing and trying not to think what my hair had looked like when he found me slumped over the table as if in my cups.  I put his bedroom to rights and dusted as best I could, though I found it a skill I was not at all proficient in as yet.  I tidied my own room, made certain the sitting room still looked as unused as it had at all times but when Matthew had taken up residence in it.  I cleaned the kitchen and used the new apples to make a pie and wondered if I meant to make my husband fat before he was in truth my husband.  I made a stew we could have for both lunch and dinner and discovered Mrs. Barnett's baking was a sizeable piece of very good oat cake that would serve for more than one meal as well. 

             
In the garden, I moved gingerly around the corn as if it were to blame for everything that had happened, pulled tomatoes, and checked how the potatoes were coming along.  They seemed crabbed and stubborn in the hard Nevada earth but I'd had some of the previous year's Nevada potatoes and they were sweet.

             
Before I really expected it, Hutch was riding up to the front door and calling through the house. I hurried in, breathing in the scent of stew and past that, the scent of man and dirt and horse and sage.  It was already a welcome smell. 

             
"I don't have a lot of time.  We may have found another vein," he said, and then stopped talking long enough to pump water into the sink and dunk his head under it.  He came up sputtering a bit, his wild dark curls standing out.  He saw me looking, biting a lip, and said with mock severity, "What, laugh will you?  It's dusty work today."

             
"Yes, sir," I said with equally mock timidity but he left off joking and said only, "Stew?"

             
I sat with him, idly eating a piece of bread and a peach.  I had very little appetite and couldn't see wasting food.  He didn't talk at first but as he finished his second bowl of stew, said, "We're going deep into the mine today."

             
That statement chilled me.  There was nothing to be said for it.  They needed to dig to find the ore and they couldn't do that in shallow mines anymore.  Telling him to be careful would be foolish if not unkind: of course he was careful.  Unlike the Yellow Jacket mine, there'd never been a fire at the Silver Sky and unlike the Chollar, there'd never been a cave in.  I'd asked Annie.

             
I said only, "Will you be late home?"  And waited, fearing he'd challenge the word home.

             
"By dark," he said, and stood.  "I'll have more of this if you have it." 

             
I did, and I would, though with his conversation and willingness to sit with me, my own appetite was returning.

             
"I'll see you at dark, then," I said, more to say something than for any other reason.  "I may go by Annie's today before then."  Again, just talking, because it felt good to speak aloud around him.

             
He made an exasperated sound.  "I saw her this morning.  I forgot.  She was heading for the train, fast.  She's gone to Alturas, family matters, she said, apparently got a telegraph from my mother."

             
He sounded unconcerned. 

             
"Aren't you worried?"

             
He relented.  "A little.  But, I don't have much time.  If there had been illness, she'd have said, but she only said she'd be back in a few days, and apologized for not coming to see you before going."

             
I nodded.  "That was kind.  Should I see to her garden?"

             
That pleased him also.  "I was going to ask you to.  Her daughters forget, as I forget ours."  An uncomfortable moment.  "Matthew."  He cleared his throat.  "Matthew was taking care of mine.  I can ask him, if you think you won't have time."

             
"I have time," I said.  "Let Matthew concentrate on the mines." 
And not come near me
, I thought, hoping he'd understand.  They'd gotten through whatever had happened with Ellie.  I hoped they'd get through what had happened with me.  For the time being, I wished that Matthew was headed to California and that Annie was staying in Gold Hill.

             
I needed a friend to talk to.

             
Throughout the afternoon, I tried to compose letters to my father and my sisters and most especially to Virginia, but though they each started well –
So much has happened! – Mr. Longren is so kind! – The desert is so different, but already I find it beautiful! –
they each soon ran aground on the truth and were discarded.  At last, I chose not to waste more paper and ink and saw to my own garden and then walked the distance to Annie's house and saw to her garden.  On my walk back to the house, I passed a good many people out on the streets but though people wished me a good day and a pleasant afternoon, I saw no one I had yet been introduced to and lingered with no one.

             
There was one gentleman I passed who watched me through slitted eyes.  He was small and redheaded, his squinting eyes staring directly at me and his regard made me uncomfortable.  I hurried around a corner onto a street I didn't need to take, and waited there to make certain he didn't follow me.  When I at last looked back, he had moved on.  I hurried home and began preparing supper.

              There was still light in the sky when Hutch returned home.  He asked if there was anything cooking that couldn't wait and I admitted there wasn't, so he went upstairs and slept for an hour, coming down again when the clock had struck 9:30.  It was late for supper, but his hours were long.  He was clearly tired, his steps dragging, his head down.  I wondered if something had gone wrong, and hastened to serve our supper.

             
Still, "Did you see to Annie's garden?" he asked as we sat.

             
Glad for the conversation, I answered.  "I watered it, pulled a few weeds.  I brought back some corn that's ripe."

             
"You can cook it tomorrow."  He reached for bread. 

             
"I don't suppose it will keep," I said, finding it odd to eat his sister's food.

             
He just nodded.  "When she gets back, give her something from your garden if it makes you uncomfortable."

             
"Fair enough," I said, and then, because he had asked me this morning, I ventured, "Are you all right?"

             
He stopped eating then, though he didn't push his plate away.  "Vein we found isn't worth a damn.  Ended in a couple feet.  There's nothing there."

             
In the following silence, I couldn't think of anything to say.  How was I supposed to be helpmate when everything was new and everything could have been ruined? 

             
"Dammit!"  He threw down his napkin, pushed back from the table.  "We just need a chance.  Just to get caught up.  Pay off some debts.  Get payroll caught up."  He paced, staring at the floor, one hand running through his hair.

             
I had brought nothing except my skills.  I had nothing to offer here, either.  I wanted to say I was sorry, but I had done nothing to cause these problems and I could do nothing to solve them.  I could listen.

             
"I keep thinking there's some other way.  Find another mine.  Buy in on credit.  But the house is liened to the Silver Sky.  That was fine when it was producing.  Then Ellie."  He choked on that and stopped talking and I felt a hard little moment of confused jealousy that he still missed her that much, that I could never take her place.  That he had put everything on the line for her.

             
But, he still wasn't moving.  He'd stopped pacing, stopped moving his hand through his hair, and it had come down to cover his face.  I could see only his mouth and it wasn't set, wasn't hard.  He was hurt, and lost.

             
I stood and went over to where he stood.  No further doubts crossed my mind.  I had fallen in love with this man, not with his brother, that had been – what?  Fear and infatuation.  Excitement, maybe, to find someone here in this new place who found me desirable. 

             
And it didn't matter.  It didn't matter that I hadn't been able to tell Hutch it didn't matter and it didn't matter that it had happened, or that it never would again.  What mattered was Hutch.

             
What mattered was love.

             
I reached up and took the hand that covered his face and held it in both of mine.  He kept his eyes downcast, staring at the floor, still thinking, maybe, of finding a way out.

             
When he didn't move away from me, I released his hand and moved, very gently, into his arms, my own arms going around his ribs, my head lowering to his chest as if it had always meant to rest there.

             
For a startled instant, he froze and then his arms came around me, pulling me close against him.  His cheek came down against my hair.  His heart beat under my ear.

             
I didn't say I was sorry.  I had nothing to be sorry for with the mine or the house.  I didn't ask to be forgiven for what had happened in the garden.  That would take time.

             
I spoke of the future and looked for possibilities.  I suggested that I could sew, and so perhaps could find a position in a milliner's shop or a dressmaker's or in shops that made the denim trousers miners wore.  Or I could teach, find a job with the Fourth Ward School. There were so many children, surely there was a need and I was recipient of a classical education.

             
He had pulled away from me, though kept me in the circle of his arms, and he studied my face.  He looked bemused.

             
Or, I could work in a bakery, I said, wondering if all bakery workers were men, or I could work in people's gardens, though of course, people kept their own gardens and ours was a wonder for not having died yet under my ministrations.  I could –

             
He interrupted me, his voice full of wonder.  "You truly want to stay?  Given everything you know?  Given everything that's – happened?"

             
"I want to stay," I said, and found I was on the verge of crying.  "I want to marry you, if you'll have me, and I want a life with you and a family with you." 
And I want you to forgive Matthew, because I think he's important to your life
, but it was too soon by far to fight for Matthew and maybe not my place.