Simplicissimus (17 page)

‘I can well believe that’, said my master, ‘but what concerns me is that he was so ignorant before and now he can talk – and so perfectly – of things which you would not expect to hear from many older, more experienced and better read people. He went through all those qualities of the animals, and described my own character so precisely, as if he had spent his whole life out in the wide world! It amazes me and I wonder whether I shouldn’t regard what he said as an oracle or a warning from God.’

‘My lord’, answered the pastor, ‘there is a natural explanation for all this. I know that he is well-read, because both he and the hermit read all my books, and there were quite a lot of them. And since the lad has a good memory, but at the moment has nothing to occupy his mind and has forgotten who he is, he can regurgitate things he has previously stored in his brain. I am confident that with time he can be restored to normality again.’

Thus the pastor left the governor suspended between hope and fear. He spoke up for me in excellent fashion, securing good times for me and for himself access to the governor. Their final decision was to wait and see for a while, which the pastor proposed more for his own advantage than for mine, for by coming and going, pretending it was all for my sake, he gained the favour of the governor, who took him into his service and appointed him chaplain to the garrison, which was no small matter in those difficult times and I was glad of it for him.

I can truthfully boast that from then on I enjoyed my master’s grace, favour and affection to the full. My happiness was complete, apart from the fact that I had one calfskin too many and several years too few, although I didn’t realise that at the time. The pastor did not want me brought back to my right mind just yet because he thought it would not be in his interest. My master, seeing that I liked music, sent me to study with an excellent lutenist. I picked up his skill pretty quickly, even surpassing my teacher in that I could sing better to the lute than he could. So I served my master well, amusing, entertaining and astonishing him.

All the officers were courteous to me, the richest citizens gave me presents and the servants and common soldiers treated me with respect because they could all see how well-disposed my master was towards me. One would give me this, another that, for they knew that jesters can often achieve more with their masters than honest behaviour. And that was the purpose behind the gifts. Some gave me presents to stop me from lampooning them, others to get me to lampoon someone else. In this way I came by quite a lot of money, most of which I handed over to the pastor as I still had no idea what to do with it. And since no one dared even to give me a dirty look, I had nothing to cause me vexation, worry or care. All I thought about was my music, or devising clever ways of pointing out this or that person’s faults. I lived off the fat of the land and my body grew visibly stronger day by day. Soon you could tell I was no longer mortifying my flesh in the forest with water, acorns, beech-mast, roots and herbs, but that my hearty meals were washed down with Rhine wines and strong Hanau beer. In those wretched times that was a great mercy, for the whole of Germany was ravaged by war, pestilence and famine and Hanau itself surrounded by enemy forces, yet I did not suffer in the least.

My master’s intention, after the siege was lifted, was to present me either to Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernard of Weimar. Not that he hoped for any great reward, but he claimed he could no longer bear to have the living image of his lost sister, whom I came to resemble more and more, parade before his eyes every day in such a ridiculous garb. The pastor advised against it. He felt the time had come for him to perform his ‘miracle’ and restore me to my right mind. He told the governor to get two calfskins and have two boys wrapped up in them; then he was to arrange for someone to pretend to be a doctor, prophet or magician and perform strange ceremonies as he removed the calfskins from me and the other boys, claiming to be able to turn animals into humans and vice versa. He was sure, he said, that in this way I could be changed back into my old self and easily persuaded I had been turned back into a human being along with the others.

When the governor had given his approval to this suggestion, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my master and easily persuaded me to go along with it. But jealous fortune refused to let me get rid of my fool’s outfit so easily or to continue to enjoy my life of luxury. While the tanner and tailor were preparing the costumes for this farce, I was playing with some other boys on the ice outside the ramparts. Someone, I don’t know who, brought along a party of arquebusiers, who surprised us and seized us all, slung us over the backs of some farm-horses they had just stolen and carried us off. At first they were in some doubt as to whether to take me along with the others or not. Finally one said, in Czech, ‘Let’s take the fool as well and bring him to the colonel.’ To which another replied, ‘Yes, by God! Put him on the horse. The colonel can understand German, he’ll have some fun with him.’ So I had to get on a horse too and learn how one single moment of bad luck can rob you of all well-being and take you so far away from all comfort and happiness that it haunts you for the rest of your days.

Although the alarm was immediately raised in Hanau and a party of troopers rode out to harry the arquebusiers, they only managed to hold them up for a little while and could not win back their prisoners. The Czechs, being light dragoons and slippery customers into the bargain, escaped without difficulty and continued towards Büdingen, where they fed, handed over the sons of the rich Hanauers to the citizens to be ransomed and sold the horses and other goods they had stolen. Then they set off again straight away, before it was really dark, never mind waiting for daybreak. They rode quickly through Büdingen Forest in the direction of Fulda, carrying off whatever they could en route. Robbing and plundering did not seem to slow down their rapid progress at all, they were like the devil who, as people say, can run and shit at the same time and still not miss anything on the way. So we reached Hersfeld Abbey, where they were quartered, that same evening with a large quantity of booty. It was all divided up, but I was given to the colonel, Marcus von Corpus.

Everything about life with that gentleman seemed disagreeable to me, almost barbarous. The tasty morsels I had enjoyed in Hanau became coarse black bread and stringy beef or, at best, a hunk of stolen bacon. Wine and beer had turned into water and instead of a bed I had to make do with the straw in the stable next to the horses. Instead of playing the lute, which everyone had enjoyed, I was sometimes made to crawl under the table with other boys and howl like a dog, to be pricked with the officers’ spurs, which I did not find in the least amusing. Instead of taking walks, as I had done in Hanau, I was allowed to ride out with the foragers, groom horses and muck out the stables. This foraging is dreary toil and not without danger to life and limb. All it consists of is roaming the villages, threshing, grinding, baking, stealing, taking anything you find, tormenting and ruining the farmers, yes, even raping their maids, wives and daughters. And if the poor farmers refused to take this lying down, or even had the audacity to rap one or other of the foragers (and there were many like that in Hessen in those days) over the knuckles when they caught them at this, then the soldiers cut them down, if they could catch them, or at least sent their houses up in flames.

My master had no wife (soldiers of that type do not have women accompanying them), no page, no manservant and no cook, but there was a motley crew of grooms and boys who looked after both him and the horses at the same time. He was not too proud to saddle his horse himself or to feed it with his own hand. He always slept on straw or the bare ground, covering himself with his fur coat. The result was that lice were often seen wandering over his clothes, which did not embarrass him in the least; on the contrary, he would laugh when someone picked one off. He had his hair cut short and wore his whiskers untrimmed in the Swiss fashion, which came in useful when he disguised himself in peasant clothes, which he often did, to go out and reconnoitre the ground. Although, as you have heard, he did not give lavish feasts, he was respected, loved and feared by his men and those who knew him. We were never at rest, always going here or there; sometimes we attacked, sometimes we were attacked. We were never for a moment idle in our attempts to weaken the strength of the Hessians, nor did the Hessian general, Count Holzapfel, leave us in peace, but captured many of our dragoons and sent them to Kassel.

This restless life was not to my taste at all and I often vainly wished I was back in Hanau. My biggest problem was that I could not talk with the men properly, so that I kept on being pushed and shoved around by everyone, battered, bruised and beaten. The colonel’s favourite amusement with me was to make me sing to him in German and blow the horn like other stable lads, at which I was boxed round the ears so hard that the blood came pouring out. I must admit that this did not happen very often but once was enough to last me for a long time. Eventually, since I was no use at foraging anyway, I started to take over the cooking and to clean my master’s weapons, which he was very particular about. And I did it so well that I gained my master’s favour; at least, he had a new fool’s outfit made for me out of calfskins with much larger donkey’s ears than I had before. And since my master was not very fastidious as far as his palate was concerned I didn’t need any great skill at cookery. But I soon tired of it, as we were often short of salt, fat and spices, so that day and night I spent the time thinking of a good way to escape, especially since it was spring again. To this end I offered to clear away the entrails of sheep and cows, which were lying all over the place in our quarters, to get rid of the awful smell. The colonel thought this a good idea and I set about it. At last, when it grew dark, I didn’t return, but slipped away into the nearest bit of forest.

It looked, however, as if the longer I lived the worse my situation was going to get, so that I even started to think I must have been born to misfortune. Only a few hours after I had escaped from the Czech arquebusiers I was captured by some robbers who doubtless thought they had made a good catch. In the darkness they could not see my fool’s outfit and two of them took me away to some place in the woods. When we stopped, in the pitch darkness, one immediately demanded money from me. He put down his gauntlets and gun and started to search me, asking, ‘Who are you? Have you any money?’ But he got the shock of his life when he felt my hairy coat and the donkey’s ears on my cap, which he thought were horns, and saw the glitter of sparks that you often get when you stroke animal skins in the dark. He started and shrank back. I immediately noticed this and, not giving him time to think or recover his wits, rubbed my coat with both hands so that it glowed as if I were full of burning sulphur, replying in a fearsome voice, ‘I am the devil. I am going to wring your neck and your companion’s too.’ This terrified the pair of them so much that they hurtled off through brake and briar as if pursued by all the fires of hell. Even the pitch darkness didn’t slow them down. They kept running into rocks and stones, trunks and branches and falling over, but they picked themselves up just as quickly again. This continued until they were out of earshot. I meanwhile was laughing out loud, which echoed through the woods, doubtless a terrifying sound to hear in that dark, lonely wilderness.

When I went to continue on my way I tripped over the musket, so I picked it up, since I had already learnt to use one during my stay with the Czech arquebusiers. A little further on my foot caught a knapsack which was made of calfskin, like my coat. I picked that up as well and found that hanging from it was an ammunition pouch containing powder, shot and the like. I slung it on my back, shouldered the rifle like a real soldier and hid in some thick bushes not far away, intending to sleep there for a while.

However, as soon as it was light the whole party returned, looking for the musket and knapsack. I pricked up my ears like a fox and kept as quiet as a mouse. When they found nothing they mocked the two who had run away from me. ‘You cowardly fools’, they said, ‘you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. Letting one man on his own frighten you, chase you away and take your musket!’

‘Devil take me’, one of them swore, ‘if it wasn’t the devil himself. I felt his horns and rough skin.’

The other put on a show of anger and said, ‘I don’t care whether it was the devil or his mother, I want my knapsack back.’

Another of the robbers, the one I took to be their leader, replied, ‘What do you think the devil would want with your musket and knapsack? I bet my life the fellow you miserable wretches allowed to escape has got them both.’ One of the others disagreed and said it could be that some peasants had been there since then, found the things and taken them. Eventually this argument won the day and they all believed they had had the devil in their hands, not least because the one who had tried to search me in the dark not only assured them of it with dreadful oaths but also gave a most vivid description of the rough, glittering skin and two horns as certain signs I was truly the devil. I suspect if I had suddenly appeared to them again the whole band would have run away.

Finally they left, having spent a long time looking and not finding anything. I opened up the knapsack to see if it contained any food I could eat for my breakfast. The first thing I pulled out was a bag with some three hundred and sixty ducats in it. I was pleased to find them, no question about it, but I assure you I was even more pleased to find the knapsack was as well supplied with food as with money. Since such yellow boys are too few and far between among the common soldiers for one to be carrying that many with him out on a raid, I concluded that he must have picked them up secretly during the course of the previous night’s expedition and slipped them into his knapsack so he wouldn’t have to share them with the others.