Singing Heart (35 page)

She prayed that what Sean had done had only been a reaction to intense circumstances. That he was genuinely sorry and would never repeat it. Maybe he just didn’t know how to apologize because he knew her background and how grimly she felt about it. He had proffered no explanation. Had only tried to get things back to normal by pretending it hadn’t happened. Only time would tell. One thing she was sure of was that even though she loved him she would never allow any man to use her as his whipping post willingly ever again. Nor would she stand there taking his blows without fighting back. If Sean ever touched her that way a second time she would leave and never look back.

The men were so busy trying to save what was left in the fields there was no mention of rebuilding their home. The women sewed clothing doing the best they could to cook and clean. Then they helped with the crops until they couldn’t take another step collapsing into their beds too fatigued to even try to be social. It didn’t matter that they had no privacy. Robert had given them Jeb’s bed. He slept on a pallet next to the grate while Kerrie had his old cot by the front door. While she still didn’t speak Kerrie was sound of mind in all other ways and seemed to find a tranquility in a silence that Xzan envied going about her chores in a peaceful haze.

As it grew colder and they were forced indoors earlier in the evenings. Robert would sit whittling beside her talking enough for the both of them while Kerrie sewed or knitted something needed. Xzan felt in time that because she no longer rejected Robert that they would marry. Hopefully Kerrie would also regain her confidence with his love and learn to open up and speak anew. Sean came in one night clean from a bone chilling dip in the creek. Droplets of water still dripped from his finger dried hair and he smiled for the first time in a long while. His blue-green eyes sparkled mischievously as he came up behind his wife who was kneading bread dough and grabbed her rounded bottom squeezing provocatively.

“
Sean!” she squealed taken off guard. “Not in front of the everyone.”

“
Why not?” he insisted kissing the back of her neck with hot ardor. “You’re my wife. There’s nothing wrong with it. Hell maybe it will give them a few ideas of their own.”

She pushed him back with her shoulders. “Well even if it doesn’t bother you it embarrasses me. Stop it or I’ll cover you with dough.” she held up her tiny hands with the gooey mixture threateningly. He laughed backing off with his hands held up in teasing surrender.

Sean stayed boisterous all evening. When they finally retired for the night his hands roamed so brazenly over her she whispered fiercely. “Don’t. You’re making fires burn that you can’t put out.”

“
The hell I can’t.” he muttered unbuttoning her nightgown brushing away her hands and covering her mouth with a bruising kisses muffling her protest. Continuing his exploration uncaring that Robert and Kerrie lay awake an indecently short distance away Xzan continued trying to push him away quietly. Kerrie sniffled loudly letting them know she was aware of what was going on and Xzan was horrified when she realized Sean wasn’t going to stop. She began struggling in earnest. He held her down his huge thighs pinning her against the mattress. Her long hair was trapped underneath her shoulders keeping her from being able to turn her head away from his hurtful kisses. He pulled the hem of her gown up around her waist and entered her painfully. Grunting after only a few hard thrusts he rolled away kissing her as soundly as if they had shared a tender session of making love and their relationship had finally been fixed. He passed out as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Mortified she forced back the stinging tears that threatened to overwhelm her. It was much later when she heard Kerrie turning over in the dark the old cot creaking under her light weight. Robert lay still undoubtedly trying to give the impression that he was asleep and unaware of anything amiss. Xzan knew by the sound of his breathing that he was awake.

Everyone in the cabin was miserably uncomfortable except for her husband who was now snoring loudly having satiated his own selfish lust. She couldn’t look any of them in the eyes the next morning. Sean ate his eggs heartily. Grinning and winking like an accomplice he blew her a kiss and left whistling happily. Robert tried to keep up a lighthearted banter before he departed and Kerrie was exceedingly helpful with the dishes. When the men returned at sunset Sean was in a fowl mood. He ate without saying a word scowling when Xzan accidentally plopped mashed potatoes on the side of his plate. In the process of trying to clean up the mess she spilled his coffee. He jumped away from the table his fingers biting punishingly into the tender flesh of her dainty wrist as he shoved her out of his way.

“
You stupid idiot!” he roared.

She staggered back as if a bullet had struck her. Robert tensed and Kerrie’s eyes widened in alarm. Nerves frayed Xzan shouted back.

“
Don’t call me names. It was an accident. Don’t you tell me you’re so perfect you don’t ever have one.”

She threw the towel down on the table to force him to have to do his own clean up and sat in her own chair huffily picking up her fork and starting to eat. Her plate shattered as the towel hit her arm and it flung sideways on the floor. He cursed calling her names she couldn’t believe he would ever accuse her of. Names that didn’t even come close to her character. She had been so hungry she couldn’t wait to eat. Had forced herself to serve everyone else first. She looked dumbstruck at her portion of food that it had taken her three hours to prepare, all over the floor that it had taken her a full day to scrub. One of Maggie’s irreplaceable plates was broken into a million pieces.

Xzan stood up seething with indignation. Sean towered over her twice her size glaring down at her. His fist was raised to strike. She was furious too but not insane. As much as she wanted to hurt him in return she sat back down mutely refusing to show fear wisely unwilling to egg him on. Sean emphasized his rage slamming his hand on the table so hard it shook the contents ruining the rest of the meal for everyone else.

He strode out of the cabin without a backward glance riding like a bat out of hell towards town a few moments later. Xzan’s knees shook so hard with the stress of frayed nerves she could barely stand to begin clearing the mess. Part of her was glad he had left. The part of her that still loved him was totally devastated. He was probably going to town to get drunk. He might even seek solace in the arms of another woman. There wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. Robert and Kerrie looked at her pityingly. Robert tried to apologize for his cousin.

“
I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen Sean like this. I didn’t want to come between a husband and wife but I wouldn’t have let him hurt you.”

The tears she had been holding back for weeks surfaced. She pushed them back defiantly.

“
It’s too late. He already did.”

She held her swelling wrist. It hurt but it wasn’t the pain she was referring to. Sean knew what no one else did about her past. How long and hard it had been for her to trust. To open up and give herself freely to a man. She didn’t know what to think. She couldn’t believe this was the same man she had married. He had no where else to go permanently so she knew he’d be back once he calmed down. She made up her mind when he did they were going to have a long talk. If he refused she would find another place to go. Even if it meant living in the barn until she could get there. She would not continue to live like strangers. Nor would she be abused any further. When Sean returned the next morning he had three other men with him. He grinned at his wife who came running to the door at the sound of horses hooves gawking wide-eyed at the massive men beside him.

“
Xzan this is my friend Luke…his brothers Mark…Zachary. I hired them to help us out on the farm…for a few months.”

So much for taking refuge in the barn. She also felt a little put out wondering how he intended to pay them. Surely he didn’t expect her to take the money out of her account without even asking if she minded. He was the one that had always urged her to spend only what was necessary and save the rest for the years to come. Just feeding this small army would add to their food cost. Not to mention her own workload. She didn’t get to speak to him in private. By the time they had all been fed and were bunked down for the night it was late and he crawled into bed wearily turning his back on her.

“
We need to discuss this Sean…”she began.

“
There’s nothing to discuss woman. I am the man in this family. I make all the decisions. If you don’t like it you can leave.” he interrupted abruptly.

She was so flabbergasted she didn’t know how to respond. He was snoring before she could think of the right words to express the injustice of how he was treating her which further stabbed at her heart knowing that he didn’t care about her. What had happened? She had been through the same nightmares that he had the past few years. What had she done that turned him against her? Well one thing was for sure. If Mr. I wear the pants is this family wanted to hire those big lugs he was going to have to find a way to pay them. So far they had already proven to her that they could eat more than their pay was worth. She didn’t want to leave him. Neither would she willingly live as victim of a bully. She was saddling Silver one of the two horses they had left the next morning when Sean strode in from the fields for a drink of water.

“
What the hell are you doing?” he demanded yanking her arm smartingly.

“
I’m going in to town for supplies.” she lied. She didn’t want to get into a physical confrontation with him. The horse was hers more than his. She had bought them both.

“
You’re not going anywhere!”

She looked his square in the eye with more aplomb than she really felt. “Yes, I am Sean. You don’t have time to go into town for supplies and I don’t have enough food to feed us all.”

“
I’ll send one of the men this evening. You are not going into town alone. It isn’t safe.” he decided with finality.

To emphasize his point he took the saddle which she was still fastening off of the horse and marched back into the barn with it. She couldn’t visualize walking to town on foot. It was a little over half a day’s ride on horseback. Even slower in a wagon. But it appeared she had no other choice. She waited for him to return to work. Getting her shawl she told Kerrie not to worry about her. Pretending to go for just a walk she began the long dusty trek. Xzan had been walking for nearly an hour when she heard the thunderous pounding of horse’s hooves behind her. With a sinking feeling she knew it was her husband looking for her. She had no desire to be caught and face his unpredictable wrath. Remembering some of what Jaskarra had taught her long ago about survival she threw herself flat on the ground behind some rocks. Holding her breath she waited for him to pass.

He stopped for a moment as if he felt her presence staring at every inch of the ground. She remained invisible to him and he rode on. Xzan breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t continue going that way. Eventually Sean would turn back and they would meet one way or the other. She decided that even if it was out of the way she would take the road by the creek. She could get to town in that direction and the thought of a cool drink of water didn’t sound too bad either. She hadn’t gone ten feet when powerful arms wrapped around her. She screamed in terror. A brown hand clamped over her mouth.

“
Shh, or he’ll hear you! He’s already circling back.”

Her heart skipped a beat in relief and shock. Jaskarra! He released her and she threw herself in his arms sobbing. He shook her gently whispering. “Not now. He’s close by.”

He made a bird sound and his horse came out of the bushes where he’d hidden him. Jaskarra lifted her up easily leapt on behind her heading for his camp which was a few miles in the opposite direction. He felt good. Familiar. She leaned back against his muscular body breathing in the scent that belonged so uniquely to him. Relishing the combined fragrances of animal hides and herbs he carried in a pouch on his side to the fresh mint leaves he always crushed and ate for his stomach each day. She had pushed him so far from her mind she couldn’t believe that being in his presence it was as if they had never been parted. How could she have forgotten his musky scent? The strength of his arms? The way his long dark hair whipped them as they rode against the wind?

She relaxed letting herself simply absorb his presence. How had he happened to find her? Was it coincidence or had he been watching her? He knew she was running away. Jaskarra was a man of principles. He wouldn’t have helped a woman escape her husband unless he knew there was a reason she needed to. The only way he could have known that was if he’d been observing Sean’s strange behavior. Her questions were all answered shortly. His camp was well hidden. Behind rocks and trees. Deep in a cave where even a bear would think twice before hibernating for the winter. There was a perpeptually burning fire which proved he’d been here for awhile along with the buffalo hides he always slept on. She sat on them now her nose watering with that familiar allergic sensation. Jaskarra sat cross-legged beside her with a muscular arm draped possessively across her small shoulders.

“
How did you find me?”

“
I’ve watched you for many moons.” He shrugged like it wasn’t important.

“
Why?’ she prodded.

He didn’t answer. He was a stubborn a Sean. She knew it would be futile to persist in trying to get a straight answer.