Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (52 page)

As I lay awake, I thought about all of the ways I had tried to bolster myself before going in for the blood draw. I’d told myself that I was capable of anything—that I needed to just push through my fear, that I needed to be strong.

I still did believe that I was capable of anything. The only difference was that I hadn’t accomplished what I had set out to accomplish. But the big question was, why? Why couldn’t I just push through it?

It occurred to me that maybe it isn’t always just mind over matter. Maybe why I felt the way I did mattered. Maybe that moment when I saw my friend tumble to the ground and slice open his knee had a bigger impact on me than just the fear of blood. I had felt so terribly guilty about chasing him down for a kiss. Just like I felt guilty about not donating blood. Maybe I needed to forgive myself for that, instead of letting myself be terrified. I had just been a little girl. I didn’t know that my friend would get hurt. I couldn’t know everything. Some things just happened. Much of life was just left up to chance.

Chapter 8

I needed to let go of the thought that I could force myself into anything. I needed to want to give blood, not feel guilty if I didn’t.

As I thought about this for a few minutes, it began to transform my way of thinking about donating blood. Before, it had been a black and white issue—donate good, not donate bad. But the truth was, it was about much more than that. It was about giving something of myself to help someone else, and that was something I loved to do. I fell asleep thinking about this.

When I woke up the next morning, I no longer had that deep sensation of dread within me. But I did have something else—a new determination to give blood.

I decided that I needed to ride the wave of determination.

I dressed quickly. I grabbed my purse. On my way out the door I checked for a location to donate blood. The bus had already moved on, but there was a nearby clinic with Sunday hours where I could donate. I was ready to truly accomplish this mission.

I was almost to the clinic when I paused a moment to send Max a text. I wanted him to know that our conversation the night before had made a difference.

I’m going to try again. Wish me luck.

I didn’t expect him to text me back right away. He had missed his sleep in Saturday so he was probably going to try for a sleep-in Sunday. But as I tucked my phone back into my purse it beeped. I smiled as I saw that he’d already texted me back.

You don’t need luck. You got this.

I grinned at his words.

I felt even more determined as I opened the door to the clinic. There weren’t many people in the waiting room, which was a good thing. The less I had to wait, the more likely I was to succeed. I walked right up to the reception desk.

“I’d like to make a donation.”

“Okay.” The woman looked at me with an arched eyebrow. “Egg or plasma?”

“Huh?” I looked at her blankly.

“Are you going to donate an egg or plasma? You can’t do both on the same day.”

I was so confused by the egg question that I could barely put two thoughts together. Then I realized what she meant. My hands flew to my stomach.

“Oh no, not an egg.” I laughed. “Just blood.”

“We don’t pay for blood,” the woman said flatly.

“Oh, okay, that’s fine. I just want to donate some.” I frowned. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to make a simple donation.

“Wonderful. I’m sorry; we get a lot of people in here that want to sell things like eggs and plasma—not too many that just want to donate blood. Those people like to go to the blood drives to get the free tote bags.” She shook her head and handed me a form to fill out.

I
was
a little disappointed that I would not be getting a tote bag.

I filled out the paper. It had the same questions as the one I’d filled out the day before, so I was able to breeze right through it. When I returned the form the woman pointed toward the side door.

“You can go on back. As soon as one of the nurses is free, she’ll help you.”

“Thanks.” I walked through the door.

As I stepped into the room, I was greeted by that lovely and all too familiar hospital scent. I think even if you’ve only smelled it once, it gets burned into your scent memory permanently. The moment it greeted me, I felt uneasy. Then there was the sight of trays set up with needles ready for drawing blood. My heart began to pound so hard that I felt lightheaded. I’d only set one foot into the room.

You can be brave, Sammy, I told myself. It’s a little needle. People give blood all the time—no big deal. But it didn’t look little to me. It looked gigantic. It triggered an absurd fantasy in my mind of a line of needles dancing in a line singing, “Welcome, Samantha, welcome.”

I gulped and closed my eyes. Of course I knew that my fantasy wasn’t real, but that didn’t change the fear it inspired within me. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run. I tried to keep my feet moving in the right direction—toward the padded bench that was waiting for me.

The nurse that stood beside the tray looked up at me with a confused stare. I must have appeared to be out of my mind, because her expression became even more concerned.

“Are you okay, miss? You look like you need to sit down.”

“I’m okay.”

I thought about the blog post I’d written and what Blue had said. Anyone could try new things, but it took true bravery to do something terrifying. I was feeling pretty terrified as I forced myself further into the room.

“I’m here to make a donation.” My voice sounded detached to my own ears. Was this really happening? I kind of hoped to find out that it wasn’t.

As I sat down on the padded bench, I felt my stomach lurch. I was suddenly assaulted by another horrifying thought. What if I vomited or passed out?

“That’s great. Let me get you set up.” The nurse began preparing a tray.

I gripped the sides of the bench tightly.

The nurse touched my wrist gently and then raised an eyebrow. “Your pulse is racing. Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just a little terrified of blood—and needles.” I felt relieved when I said it out loud.

Chapter 9

I expected the nurse to roll her eyes or get impatient, but instead she gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

“Many people have that phobia, though I have to say not many who do try to donate blood. I’m glad that you’re ready to give it a try. I’ll try to make it as comfortable as possible for you, okay?”

“Thanks.”

I did feel more comfortable, just by telling the truth. I didn’t have to pretend to be brave, or unaffected. I could be as terrified as I needed to be and she would understand.

As she went through the process of preparing my arm I took steady deep breaths. There was the snap of the rubber tie. There was the swipe of the cold wipe to clean my skin. Then she began tapping on my arm to find a suitable vein. While she did this she chatted.

“I find that the best way to get through this is to just not think about it. Some people like to think you have to watch what’s happening, but you don’t. You can trust me. I’ll make sure everything goes smoothly. So you can just relax, and it’ll be over before you know it.” She smiled as she picked up a needle.

All of that resolve that I thought I had began to fade with the sight of the needle. I remembered being held down. I remembered the blood. I began to tremble a little.

“It’s okay, hon, just don’t look.” The nurse’s warm voice floated over my senses.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the needle getting closer. However, when I closed my eyes my mind filled with thoughts that were much worse. Thoughts of a giant needle, thoughts of spurting blood, thoughts of a maniacally laughing nurse. I opened my eyes just in time to see the needle going in. I gasped and cringed.

“It’s almost over now.” The nurse smiled at me. “You’re doing great.” She had such a calm way about her.

I was still shaking like a leaf. She settled the needle into the vein and then released the clasp on the tubing. I gulped as I saw the blood begin to flow. It wasn’t exactly pretty to see, but it wasn’t spurting everywhere.

“You’re actually an easy stick.”

“Uh, thanks.” I laughed a little.

I was surprised that I could laugh considering what I was doing, but I could. In fact, once the needle was in, it wasn’t so bad. The small amount of pain I initially felt faded quickly.

“Just sit back and try to relax.” She assured me.

I nodded and leaned back against the bench. I cautiously closed my eyes. I thought of how proud both Blue and Max would be of me. It was nice to have such good friends to turn to for support and encouragement.

The more I thought about Blue the more I wondered if we would ever actually meet. Max was the prince I knew, gorgeous and loving. Blue was the mystery man who seemed to know me far too well for me to ever call him a stranger. I was intrigued by both of them. How could I find time to actually date when I already had two men on my mind?

“Samantha?” The nurse’s voice drifted into my thoughts. “Samantha, we’re all done here.”

I slowly opened my eyes. When I looked down at my arm I saw that she had already removed the needle and bandaged my arm. Had I fallen asleep?

“Oh wow, that was fast.” I sat up. As soon as I did, I regretted it. My head spun with dizziness.

“Easy there. Take it slow and drink this.” The nurse handed me a paper cup filled with juice.

I sipped it slowly. As my senses began to straighten out it hit me. I’d done it. I had really done it. I had contributed to keeping someone healthy or possibly even alive. I had broken through my fear without even a hint of a nervous breakdown. I smiled.

“Thanks.” I handed the nurse the cup.

“Thank
you
, Samantha. Every drop really does make a difference. Do you think you’re ready to stand up?”

“I’ll give it my best shot.” I eased myself up from the bench. I felt pretty solid as I stood in front of her. “I think I’m fine.”

“Great. Take it easy this afternoon. If you feel any dizziness or other symptoms call your doctor, but you should be just fine.”

I smiled at her again and walked out of the room. I felt as if I was floating, not only because I was still a little dizzy, but also because I had accomplished something that I thought I never would be able to.

I pushed open the door to step outside. The sun was bright. It blinded me as I looked toward the parking lot. I blinked a few times. A lollipop appeared in front of me. It was black cherry, my favorite flavor.

Was a stranger offering me candy in the middle of a parking lot? I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head so that the sun was not shining directly in my face. Finally, I could see Max, who was holding out the lollipop.

“You were a very brave girl.” He smiled with infuriating sweetness.

“Thanks, Max.” I stuck out my tongue at him and snatched the lollipop. “I don’t see you in there donating blood.”

“I already donated.” He reached up and rubbed the crook of his arm, which had some faded green bruising. “She was rough.”

“I’m sure that you didn’t mind too much.” I laughed.

“So can I take you out to celebrate?”

“Actually I’m exhausted. I think I need to go lie down for a bit. Would you like to walk with me?”

“I would love to.” He offered me his arm. I declined and pointed to my bandage.

As we walked in the glaring sunshine, I felt warmed, not only by nature, but by Max’s presence.

Chapter 10

Max had gone out of his way to be there for me, even though my fear was a silly one to most people. The lollipop was sweet against my tongue. I realized then that Max reminded me of that innocence I’d had as a child—when just the idea of an ice cream was enough to inspire pure excitement. Not excitement weighted with cost or obligation, but pure joy and anticipation. Max inspired that feeling in me. No matter what happened in our lives, I was sure that he always would.

“So did you punch her?” The question was casual. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

“No!” I grinned.

“Are you sure? Because if I see a nurse wandering around with a black eye, I’m going to know it was you.”

“I didn’t punch her. In fact, I fell asleep.”

“Wow. So she skewers you with a bloodsucking needle and you fall asleep. I pricked you with a pin, and you nearly took my head off. How is that fair?” He mimicked a hurt expression.

“What can I say? I guess I expect more from you.” I smiled at him.

“You should.” He slid his arm around my waist and gave me a gentle squeeze. “You did it. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.”

“I am. I really am.”

“Want to know a secret?”

“Sure.” I looked over at him curiously.

“There’s something I’m terrified of too. I’ve never been brave enough to face up to it.”

“Really? What is it?” I was very intrigued. Max never seemed to be scared of anything.

“I’ll tell you one day.” He smiled secretively.

“I thought you said you would tell me a secret now?”

“The secret I told you was that I have something I’m terrified of doing.”

“That’s not a secret. Tell me, Max!” I laughed, but I was desperate to know.

“Nope. My lips are sealed.” He winked at me. “One day, though, I will.”

Max left me at my apartment to rest with a promise to come back later with Chinese food for dinner. Of course I couldn’t rest, because now all I wanted to know was what his deep dark secret was.

Instead of obsessing about it, I opened up my computer. I was eager to post an update to my blog. I snapped a picture of my lollipop to post with it. As I was typing up my experience I laughed a little at how terrified I’d been. Now I could see that it was really no big deal. That didn’t mean that I wanted to do it again any time soon. But I was proud of how much effort I’d made, and that I had finally followed through with it.

I posted my update and then leaned back in my chair. I swiveled back and forth in the seat. It was easy to experience a sense of joy over breaking down the barriers that had limited me all of my life. I reveled in the memory of seeing Max standing there with a lollipop for me. I was very lucky and grateful for the friendships that I had. Without them, I didn’t think I would have ever been daring enough to embark on my adventures.