Sins of Our Fathers (9781571319128) (27 page)

She softened, glanced at the money, and then looked back at him. Color came back to her cheeks. “I'm sorry. I've just been so stressed out. I've never had a job!”

“With all due respect, I beg to differ. You have been a community volunteer for a number of important organizations, and a wonderful wife and mother. Those have been huge jobs.”

She smiled gratefully. “Thank you.”

He leaned forward and cupped his hand over one of hers. She still wore the large diamond wedding ring he had given her. It wobbled like a loose tooth under his palm.

“Carol, you've been so patient with me, and you've carried
such a heavy load while I—well, I just lost it. I couldn't … Chris dying just, it was like it pulled the rug out from under me and there was no floor there. And you know the fact that I didn't help him with his brakes has weighed on me every hour of every day. It sounds like an excuse, and I don't mean to make an excuse.”

She inhaled and looked at the wall.

“I put you through so much that you didn't sign up for,” he told her. “I get that. But I want you to know that I'm finally recovering. Things will get better now, I promise.”

“Oh, John—”

Her tone said that she had already moved on. “Carol. Look at me. Look at me. I'm not asking you to make a long-term commitment. I just need you to take one last chance with me. Just one. Because I will do anything for you and Julie, and I mean it. Anything. I have made a deal with Frank, and I will earn everything back and then some. If I do this right. Millions. You always said that family comes first. Okay?” She was frowning, troubled, and it made him think he was getting through to her. “The least we could do is to try for our daughter,” he went on, “and for all the time and heartache we've already invested. Okay? Are you with me?”

He nodded toward the pile of cash. “That's just a down payment.”

She smiled softly and shook her head.

“Forget the job,” JW continued. “I mean, don't leave it
yet, but soon. I want to take you to Europe. To Venice, and Santorini, like we always said.”

“Not London?”

“London! Of course, London! How could I forget?”

Her eyes moistened and she ran her knuckles on her chin. “It's like when you got your first paycheck from the bank,” she said. “Do you remember?” She smiled.

“I cashed it in and gave it all to you.”

“At this very table. Why did you do that?”

JW shrugged, searching his memory. “It was … a tribute.”

She laughed, but JW could hear the sadness in it. “Why? You didn't think you were good enough?”

“Frankly, I don't know.”

“I remember when I first saw you at the stable, riding and teaching riders. You seemed so sure of yourself. I liked that, I really did. When did we ever stop riding?”

JW smiled at her. “Well, we certainly can again. We can buy Olson's Stables! I've even been training a kid on the reservation, and it's been a real—well,” he paused, pushing the thought and his feelings for Jacob aside. “I'm more than happy to ride with you, any time.” He stood. “I'll have our daughter back by ten. Then maybe you and I can talk. That's all I want. Just to talk.”

She smiled again, but her eyes communicated uncertainty. He loved her complex smiles as much as he feared them. Somehow it made her alluring, made him want to please her.

“Maybe,” she said.

He kissed her, tasting her peppermint lip balm.

Julie was sitting on the blue-flowered cushion of the bay window, texting one of her friends. The incoming light cast a shade of red into her fine golden hair, and he was overcome by the desire to swoop her up into his arms as he had so many times when she was little.

“Come on, Sunshine,” he said, “let's hit the road!”

They headed outside and down the walk toward the wild rice truck, and seeing it there, he was reminded of his own duplicity. But he had to reclaim his family, he told himself. And now, finally, the stakes were right. Not peanuts, but millions. He wouldn't betray Johnny for less than a fortune. He knew
this was a dangerous game, but if the plan worked and he could protect himself from Frank while securing his stake, it would be some short-term pain for a very long-term gain. He would make it up to Johnny, and to Jacob. He had decided he would even offer Johnny a job, Schmeaker's job, and he would send Jacob to a college of his choosing. He imagined them working at the bank as a team, Johnny securing the tribal deposits, perhaps even dedicating a small portion of the casino deposits to a special loan fund, if the band would guarantee the loans. It would all work out. He would see to it.

The truck's front seat was covered with a wolf-like fur throw, plush and slippery in its wildness. Julie hunkered low in the thickness of it, her shoulder collapsed against the door, until they got out onto the highway. JW watched her strange posture—her long limbs folded up and pale as polished marble, her head below the window—and he suddenly realized that she was hiding. She was embarrassed to be seen in the truck. He was used to driving it by now, and he laughed and shook his head as he turned onto the highway, heading toward Northland Mall.

“So, how's school going?” he said, trying to strike up a conversation. It was a new year in a new school, junior high, and Julie was likely swamped.

“Fine.”

He asked how her classes were, and she parried with a series of monosyllabic answers, her lips small and bloodless, her thumbs pressing away at the black glass of her cell phone. He tried pointing to the trees and asking if she could identify the species, but she was obviously absorbed, and eventually he fell silent. It had recently rained on this section of highway, and the tires made a washing hiss against the underside of the truck as they drove.

“Should we listen to some music?” he said.

“Sure.”

He turned on the Clapton tape, and soon they were both lost in thought. As they drove past the Many Lakes Casino he reflected on how much of his life had circled around gambling in one way or another—from his play to win Carol's affection to the risk assessments and deal structures he put in place in crafting the bank's more profitable loans. In fact, what investors and even bankers were doing in the financial markets could increasingly be described as gambling, and they all thought that they, too, could game the system. They did it with derivatives or ETFs or alternative investments, throwing large portions of the economy into danger. All of it had an element of risk and reward, of betting on an insecure outcome. Even the president spoke about Americans' “appetite for risk,” as if it were a good thing. JW had shared this unexamined belief for most of his life, but now he wasn't so sure.

And it was also true, he thought, that America was particularly steeped in the idea. The American dream itself was a giant gamble, after all. It took unreasonable optimism to pack up and leave a country of origin, to risk it all based on hope for a better opportunity in a country one had never seen. That same brand of optimism had led him to believe that he could control his fate, that the world was just, that hard work paid off, and that people got what they deserved. But then a deer jumped out in front of Chris at the wrong moment.

For a long time he had wanted to believe that this terrible accident could have been prevented. But that belief had itself become a cancer—for if it could have been prevented, it was almost surely his fault. This thought was unbearable, and he suddenly realized, glancing over at Julie, that it was also unfair. To all of them.

Julie was slouched back in the seat with her feet up on the dashboard and her cell phone between her ivory knees, her painted toenails stuck with stars. He wondered what thinking he and Carol had imbued in her about risk-taking, about life and what was really important. He wondered, and worried.

“Julie? How come you don't play outside anymore?”

She shrugged at her phone. “'Cause I'm growing up?”

He tried to picture her not as a teenager, but as a young woman in her twenties. And he was somewhat shocked to find that it was suddenly possible. But what he couldn't imagine was her soul. Would she be a risk-taker, or would she be frightened after his breathtaking downhill run, frozen on the bunny hill of a smaller, safer, but ultimately less satisfying life?

Ahead lay a scenic overlook—a small gravel turn off the highway, bounded by a low limestone wall that overlooked an old mine pit. It had long since flooded and had become a favorite swimming hole in his youth. It was rumored that a mining office, a barracks, and two backhoes still stood ready under eighty feet of water, and sometimes JW had seen what he thought were their shadows far below. He and his friends would jump from the high stone bluffs, soaring like birds for forty or fifty feet—a full four- or five-second drop—before plunging into the cool water. The sense of freedom and danger combined to create a giddy, out-of-control high that was better than any drug, and it was supercharged by the sudden swoosh of cool as they arced into the depths like dolphins. Not surprisingly, the sheriff had long since put an end to it.

“Hey,” he said, looking over at Julie, “instead of shopping, let's do something crazy.”

Julie looked up at him from her cell phone. He saw a spark of interest.

“What?”

He pulled sharply off the highway into the turnoff. Julie sat up, looking frightened and surprised as she grabbed at the door. JW slammed on the brakes and crunched to a sudden stop in a cloud of gravel dust.

“What are you doing!?”

JW took the hundred-dollar bill out of his shirt and held it out to her. “Come on. You can spend that later with your girlfriends. Let's do something fun.”

She took the bill as he got out of the truck. He stood in the open door and struggled out of his suit jacket. “Hurry up! Leave your cell phone under the seat. You can tuck the bill under it.”

She frowned and laughed at the same time, then stuck them under the seat and got out. She fluffed her hair as he closed his door and came around the hood of the old truck. He reached out a hand to her.

“Have you ever been here?”

“You're taking me on a walk?”

“Oh no, it's much better than that. Come on. You'll see.”

She shook her head as if to communicate how intolerably weird her dad was to anyone who might be watching—but she took his hand. They climbed over the stone wall, down a rocky path through the brush, and onto a high stone bluff that jutted out over the water. “I always imagined taking you and Chris here when you got older, but then they made it illegal,” he said, kicking off his dress shoes.

Julie's expression was both scared and delighted, which is exactly what he'd hoped for. It was a flash of the old Julie, of Julie the wondrous child.

“The jump rock? You're going to fricking jump?”

“I am, and you're coming with me. We'll hold hands.”

“But you're in your suit.”

“I won't tell if you don't. Come on, it's fun.”

He held a hand out to her. She was smiling, but she also looked unsure about the proposal.

“Trust me, Julie. You'll want to do it again, I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“I did this literally hundreds of times as a kid.”

“But it's like fifty feet,” she said, peering over the edge. The rocky outcropping seemed to jut out from the cliff. It fell off to either side, and junipers grew up from below the edges.

“Something like that. You just have to remember to keep your feet together so you don't get an enema.”

She laughed. “You're crazy.”

“That's what I was hoping you'd say. You coming?”

She looked at him and then, suddenly, she took his hand and they were running. He heard her laughing and screaming at his side as the edge came up, and then they were flying and falling, arms waving and yelling, and—and—and—whoosh! The water engulfed them in its cold clasp. They fought back toward the surface, Julie's pale limbs cutting the water above him like barkless branches.

When he broke into the air she was gasping and roaring like an animal. He gulped in air and spit water and laughed. His tie floated by his face. She looked around, treading water, and started swimming toward the rocky shore.

“You like it?”

“No!”

“No!?”

“I'm freezing, and I think you made me crap my pants!”

He laughed. “Well, tread water and rinse it out.”

“I'm joking!”

They climbed out amid angular chunks of stone on the
shoreline, taking careful steps to avoid cutting their feet. Beyond the chunks lay a rocky brown path, and Julie trotted up it, hugging herself and shivering dramatically, dripping a trail of water as she headed back up to the bluff. He tried to stay with her, but she was like a mountain goat.

“Can you wait up?”

“I'm freezing!”

“Okay, go ahead, I'll meet you up top.”

She scampered out of sight. He had hoped she'd want to go again, but that seemed out of the question. He laughed to himself as he followed the dark drips of her trail, recalling her incredulous reaction at the top of the bluff. But she had done it.