Skin (42 page)

Fraid rose to greet us. She was unmetalled, plainly robed and her hair fell unbraided
over her shoulders, but her presence filled the room. ‘How do you fare, Ailia?' She
embraced me firmly. ‘Will you offer your guidance now?'

‘Yes,' I said, taking a place at the fire.

Llwyd sat at my right, closer to Sulis, who had not yet looked at me.

‘Mead!' exclaimed the housewoman, striding to the hearth. She ladled steaming cups
of honey beer from the firepot and passed them to each of us.

Manacca clucked at a woodfowl chick that roamed on the floor
and Fraid hushed her.
The room fell quiet, choked with questions, awaiting my word. Had Sulis told them
yet of my marks?

‘How far away are the legions?' I asked, stalling the news of my ascent. ‘How long
do we have?'

‘They are camped at Hod Hill, throwing up new defences,' said Fraid. ‘We do not know
how long they will remain there or where they will next strike.' Her cheeks hollowed
as she sipped her ale.

‘But Hod is a foot journey of two days at most—' I said.

‘Ay, they are close,' said Fibor. ‘But some think they have Mai Cad in their sights
before us. The riders bring different messages…'

‘Have you spoken with Cun?' I asked.

‘Ruther controls all contact,' said Fraid. ‘The petty tribes are ignorant of one
another and Ruther would keep it so. It is too late to join together now.'

My anger flared. Who was Ruther to keep his people in such darkness? ‘Tribequeen,
do you still hold the faith of the warriors?'

‘I believe so,' said Fraid. ‘There are only five, maybe six, who side with Ruther.
At least ten are still aligned to me but quieted by fear.'

‘And if I could convince Ruther to fight with us,' I continued, ‘would your men join
him?'

Fraid nodded. ‘The tribe would follow a leader into war. But above all else—' her
brown eyes glittered in the firelight as she lifted them toward me, ‘—they would
fight for the Kendra if she commanded it.'

Now it had been spoken.

In the sudden silence, Sulis's breath was a faint hiss. The housewoman pretended
to busy herself at her spindle.

‘I…have sung with the Mothers,' I faltered. ‘I return as Kendra.'

Fraid gasped. ‘This is welcome news indeed,' she said. ‘But how have you come to
skin?'

Fibor and Etaina turned to me, their faces bright with hope.

My cheeks burned hot. ‘I remain unskinned.'

Fraid's smile dropped away. ‘Then how do you name yourself Kendra?'

I turned to Llwyd. We both knew it must come from him. ‘The Mothers name her,' he
said, unflinching. ‘They have marked her with the scar.'

He nodded to me. With a galloping heart, I unpinned my tunic and pulled it part open
to expose the cuts.

Etaina snorted in disbelief. ‘Llwyd, this is madness! She makes these cuts by her
own hand.'

‘She does not.' Sulis spoke for the first time, her gaze locked to the flames. ‘I
witnessed her as she hardened from journey. The cuts were fresh. They were Mother-made—'
she paused, ‘—they carry song.'

‘Impossible.' Etaina shook her head.

‘I have heard it by my own touch,' said Llwyd.

‘And I,' said Sulis, her voice tight. ‘I heard it, yet I did not hear the skin in
it. Her mark is true. But it is falsely got. She is no Kendra.'

My heart plunged. ‘Please, Sulis.' I could not let her rob me of this. ‘When I tell
you of my learning—'

‘I acknowledge your learning, Ailia,' Sulis said. ‘I am humble before it. But the
skin totem is the truest shaping of us. The tribes will not follow a woman whose
soul is still without form.'

I closed my eyes against the truth of it.

‘It is so,' agreed Etaina. ‘The tribe accepted Ailia as journeywoman initiate. But
how can she wear the Kendra's robe without skin? Surely the Mothers would forbid
it.'

I turned to Llwyd. Would they heed their highest Journeyman? His eyes were lowered.
Did he begin to doubt? He looked at them. ‘We can receive this Kendra,' he said.
‘It does not breach the Mothers' law.'

‘But
skin
is the Mothers' law.' Sulis's voice trembled.

‘No,' Llwyd replied. ‘Skin is
our
law. The Mothers are greater than skin.'

‘Llwyd?' questioned Fraid, her face fraught with confusion. ‘Do you speak against
skin?'

‘I love skin more deeply than ever,' he answered. ‘But I have seen a shift in its
meaning. We need skin, but the Mothers do not. And Ailia does not.'

I could not stifle my gasp. He had spoken too brazenly.

Sulis rose and walked from the fire, murmuring a low chant.

‘This is greater than me,' said Fibor, also rising. ‘I am a man of sword law. I will
wait outside until it is decided.'

‘Stay,' commanded Fraid. ‘I want your ear on this.'

Llwyd took up his staff and looked to his tribespeople, his voice barely a whisper.
‘I am also deeply confused,' he began. ‘But this woman—this woman without skin—has
felt the Mothers' knife at her chest. She has felt their song in her breath.' He
glanced at me, his staff trembling. ‘She told the Mothers of her lack of skin, but
they did not protest it.' He paused again. ‘They saw no lack
.
'

‘We will be punished for this,' murmured Sulis from the darkness of the room's periphery.

Fraid leaned forward, searching Llwyd's face intently. I knew she had the fire of
mind to hold this truth, but only if she was convinced. ‘Are you saying,' she began,
‘that of all the generations of our journeywomen who have walked with the Mothers,
none has ever discovered that the Mothers do not acknowledge skin?'

‘I have wondered of this,' I interrupted. ‘I have no answer. Perhaps I was the first
to test it, for I was the first to journey without skin.'

‘No,' said Llwyd. ‘It is not this. Skin is a powerful light for the journeypeople.
Perhaps those who are led by it have never been able to see beyond it. Perhaps it
has taken one without skin to see the Mothers' freedom from it.' He looked directly
at Fraid. ‘The Mothers have chosen this time to reveal their truth, and have sent
Ailia as its messenger.'

Fraid looked shocked as she grappled with these words from her most trusted advisor.
‘So…do you suggest that we are to discard our belief in skin at will, then?' she
stammered. ‘Do we send any fringe-child to the Mothers now?'

‘Of course not!' said Llwyd. ‘Skin is the thread that leads us back to the Mothers.
It will always be this. But Ailia holds a knowledge I have not seen before. A knowledge
so strong that it carried her to the Mothers when skin would not.' He laughed in
amazement. ‘Ailia alone has transcended skin.'

‘Mothers spare you, Llwyd,' muttered Sulis, stepping back into the fireglow. ‘Even
if she is truly chosen, she cannot transcend skin here, where the world is hard,
where skin lives. It will tear our world open.'

‘But it will not,' I said. Llwyd's defence had strengthened me. I had to make them
see. ‘We have never known an invasion like that which stands now at our doorstep.
I bring a new knowledge from the Mothers, so that you may receive the Kendra they
have chosen. It is I who will protect you, if you will let me. It is I who will teach
you.'

‘What do you teach?' Sulis scowled. ‘That skin is nothing? That it is weak?'

‘That it is beautiful!' I cried, gripping the edge of the bench. ‘That it pours from
the belly of the Mothers in infinite rivers to us, who name it and sing it back.
That it is not rigid. It can bend and move. It can be cut and healed. It can hold
more than we ever knew. Because it can hold unknowing.' I paused. Every eye was upon
me. ‘Llwyd spoke once that laws are true only when they are honoured in freedom.
How can we truly honour skin if we are not also free of it? The Romans come. They
will rob us of our skin and we must choose to fight for it. Only then is it true.
This is what I teach of skin.'

Llwyd stared at me in wonder. ‘You are the flaw in skin that proves its strength.'

The only sound was the fire's soft crackle and the clack of the spindle as the housewoman
turned it nervously. I looked around at their troubled faces, wrestling with my words.
I had given them almost enough. Almost, but not quite. There was one more truth to
be shared and if this did not convince them, then I had nothing that would.

I rose to my feet and wrenched open my tunic, fully baring my marks. ‘Touch!' I commanded.
‘Then you will know if I am your Kendra.'

‘You will grow too weak,' Llwyd protested.

‘But they must hear,' I answered. ‘They must hear what is within me.' With the force
of my words the wounds had split and were beginning to run.

Manacca whimpered at the sight of the blood.

‘Touch me, Fraid,' I urged. ‘Tell me what you hear.'

Fraid stood hesitantly and walked to me, then laid her palm on my chest. I winced
at the pressure. Again, there was a stirring, an ache, in the wound. The fire had
burned down and the air was suddenly cold, but the housewoman did not tend it. All
eyes were on Fraid.

Slowly her face broke into a smile. ‘It is creation,' she whispered. ‘It is beautiful.'
She closed her eyes, pressing more firmly against my flesh. I fought a wave of dizziness
as she drank of the sound that poured from my wound. ‘I cannot deny it,' she said,
withdrawing her hand, ‘you are right, Llwyd.' She met my eye. ‘Kendra,' she said
and lowered her head.

Sulis moaned and sank to her seat.

The housewoman comforted Manacca.

One by one I commanded them all to touch.

Once Etaina had pulled her hand away, wet with blood, eyes
shining with wonder, I slumped to the bench, gulping a long draught
of mead. When I looked up, all heads but Sulis's were lowered around
me. Her blank stare held an unnamable dread.

Many moments passed in silence.

‘We will name you in the water tonight,' said Llwyd.

‘What do you mean?' I asked. River initiation had not been spoken of.

‘The Mothers have scarred you, but you must also be initiated in the hardworld as
Kendra,' said Llwyd.

Fraid drained her cup, enlivened by the hope that was gathering around this plan.
‘She will be recognised above even yourself as a knowledge-keeper, Journeyman. The
warriors will find great strength in it.'

‘It will mark the end,' said Sulis to herself.

Llwyd turned to me. ‘Will you permit me to initiate you, Ailia?'

My fingers tightened around my cup as I battled a surge of doubt. With his initiation
I would be wholly born to the hardworld. But without the skin to know my place in
it. I thought of the Mothers. This was their will
.
But would it tear yet greater
holes in what they had created?

‘Ailia?' Llwyd urged.

I carried the song. There was something sacred within me. Something powerful. My
Tribequeen and her councillors could not deny it now, nor could I. There was no other
way that my knowledge would be seen. ‘Of course,' I whispered.

The night was cold and the moon well hidden.

It should have been done at the Cam, near Cad Hill, but it would have been too great
a risk for us to go so close to the township. Instead
Fibor, Etaina and I marked
out a hasty circle in branches next to the Nain behind the farmhouse, while Fraid
held a torch close by. Working quickly by its weak light, we buried meat and bread
at the easternmost point of the circle and threw the last of Fraid's gold finger-rings
into the river.

Sulis stood at a distance, watching.

Llwyd began the chant. He took a long time to walk the many circles moonwise that
would bind our ritual to the rhythm of the sky. But at last it was done and there,
within that small, cramped circle of ground, he sang me the poems that revealed what
he knew of the Mothers. Sloughed of any encasement in skin, the stories were still
as beautiful and transforming as dawn.