Skin Deep (5 page)

Will and I have decided to sell
the house in Churchill Street, but in the meantime he’s moved out (to Kev’s
spare room for the time being) and I’ve moved back in just until the house is
sold. I’ve been busy cleaning and doing some touch-ups to the décor, as well as
searching for a flat in Chester. It’ll be better, being closer to work. Perhaps
I’ll get a lodger to help with the bills. I’ll see.

I’ve also found a great deal for
a last minute weekend trip to New York for me and Kate. As we’re going halves
it hasn’t stressed my credit card out too much, which is a good thing since
I’ll be wanting a mortgage soon enough.

Leo and I have been on a few
dates. The night
before I fly to New York,
he drops a bombshell. ‘I’ve been offered a job in London.’

I’m pole-axed as I didn’t know
he’d been looking for a new job.
Leo in London?
I
can’t bear the thought of him not being around. I know London isn’t the other
side of the world, but it wouldn’t be so easy for us to see each other. I pull
myself together. I can’t be seen to be needy. If this is what Leo wants, then
I’m pleased for him. I’ll support him.

‘Congratulations.’ I paste a big
smile onto my face.

‘I’m not taking it.’

‘But why not?
You obviously wanted the job or you
wouldn’t have applied for it.’

‘I applied for it before I met
you.’

He proceeds to tell me about the
job – a feature writer for
GQ
magazine.
I know he’s always wanted to work for a national magazine. Apparently he went
for the interview ages ago, but it’s only now that he’s been offered the job.

‘I’m going to turn it down. I
don’t really want to live in London. Besides, I don’t want to leave you.’

I go weak at the knees at both
his words and the way he’s looking at me right now, so intensely. ‘Have you
turned it down yet?’ He shakes his head. I take a deep, shaky breath. ‘I know
this sounds cheesy, but you should follow your dream. Take the job.’

Leo looks as though I’ve slapped
him.
‘But what about us?’

‘What about us?’ Hark at me,
sounding so casual when I’m anything but. ‘If we’re meant to be together, then
we will be.’

‘How though, if you’re in Mold
and I’m in London?’
  

I go to stroke his face. ‘We’ll
still see each other,’ I say brightly in an effort to convince both myself and
Leo. ‘Besides, you know I want to take things slowly.’

‘Yeah, but a
long distance relationship?’

Hmm…A long distance relationship?
Well, it could be romantic. ‘I don’t want to be the reason you turn this job
down. I mean, it’s an amazing opportunity.’

He cups my face. ‘We’re an
amazing opportunity. I don’t want to lose you, Gemma. I’ve only just found you’

I do my best to ignore the thrill
his words give me. ‘You won’t lose me.’

‘This is my decision. I know
you’d support me if I decide to go for it, and that’s sweet, but . . .’

I pull away, forcing myself to be
steely. ‘No buts, Leo. Take the job.’

‘Will you quit interrupting me?
Why are you so insistent I go when you know I don’t want to?’

‘Please take the job - for me.’
It matters a lot, it really does. Look at me, only just getting round to
pursuing my dreams because I’ve had skin cancer. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss
Leo like crazy, but he needs to give this new job a go otherwise he could end
up regretting it big-time, not to mention resenting me.

Leo is shaking his head. ‘I can’t
believe this. I just don’t understand you, I really don’t.’ He turns and leaves
the room without saying another word.

I rush to the front door. ‘Leo!’
But he’s halfway down the street, and doesn’t turn around. He won’t pick up my
calls either. I cry myself to sleep.
 
I
meant well, I really did, but have my good intentions lost me my man?

Despite being on my way to New
York – somewhere I’ve always wanted to go – I feel so deflated. I wanted to
speak to Leo again last night, but when I went to his cottage he wasn’t there.
I left a message on his phone in the end. I thought about not going to New
York, but I couldn’t let Kate down. Oh, why couldn’t Leo have waited to tell me
about the job? I pushed him away again, didn’t I? Why, when I love him? But
it’s because I love him that I want the best for him. Maybe I was too bossy. At
the end of the day, Leo knows what’s best for him. I dab my eyes with a tissue
and resolutely look out of the tiny window. I have to make the most of this trip.
I owe it to myself and to Kate. I’ll see if one of the in-flight movies can
distract me.

I check my phone as soon as I can
after landing.
Nothing from Leo.
I sigh. We take a cab
from JFK airport to the hotel. I lean against the cab window, gazing up as best
I can at the numerous skyscrapers which line our route. I can’t believe I’m
here at last. Kate and I exchange grins. I’m feeling more excited now that I’m
here. Our hotel isn’t far from Times Square. Kate and I are sharing a room and
it’s huge, with two queen-size beds. We don’t stay in the room for long though,
we’re in too much of a hurry to join the New York hustle and bustle.

Times Square is glitzy and noisy;
it’s a real assault on the senses. Kate spies the Swatch store and is in there
in a flash. I follow a bit more sedately. Somehow shopping has lost its appeal
for me. I want to take in everything about life in this city, to experience it
properly. That’s what this trip is about for me. I help Kate to choose a watch.
I’m glad to see her so happy. For now at least her worrying has taken a back
seat.

It’s
late afternoon here, but not
according to our body clocks. We want to adjust and so opt to go and find
somewhere to eat. We share a pepperoni pizza along with some tasty cheese
sticks seasoned with herbs and cinnamon. We take iced doughnuts and hot
chocolate back to our hotel room with us because there isn’t a kettle in our
room. I peruse the jaw-dropping view from the floor-to-ceiling window whilst
munching my ever-so-sweet doughnut. The skyscrapers in front of me frame the
golden rose sky perfectly. I sigh with pleasure.

Kate comes to join me. ‘Perfect
isn’t it?’

I nod. My spirits have lifted.
I’m in New York with my best friend, and hopefully Leo and I can sort things
out when I get back.

The next morning we head for the
Statue of Liberty. Battery Park is crammed with people – tourists, street
artists, and the regular New York citizens. We queue for the ferry for ages and
undergo some vigorous security checks, but eventually we’re bound for Liberty
Island. I’m amused to see the ferry tips to one side as people rush over to get
a better view of the world famous statue. I keep hearing shouts of, ‘There she
is!’ And there she is indeed; she’s bigger than I’d imagined. I squeeze Kate’s
arm. As soon as we’re off the ferry we walk all the way round the statue. The
tickets to go up the crown have all sold out, but I’m happy just to see the
statue up close. I’m also thrilled to see the iconic Manhattan skyline. It’s
amazing, but it’s so sad to think that the Twin Towers are missing. One World
Trade Center helps to fill the void and the blue-silver façade glints in the
sunshine.

I’m keen to go the Empire State
Building next, but Kate’s dying to hit the shops. I figure we can do some more
sightseeing tomorrow, and so shop we do, and then some. Kate buys something in
every shop! I try to get into the spirit of things and buy a few souvenirs for
myself and some presents for my parents. I hesitate over buying something for
Leo (who still hasn’t contacted me by the way – not even by text) and
eventually decide upon a New York-taxi-style name plate. I hope I get to give
it to him and that it’s not over between us before it has ever really begun.
Spending not quite over, I find some jeans and some trainers that are a lot
cheaper than they would be back home and that’s me done, but Kate’s still going
strong. My feet get a real pounding. Bloomingdales, Macys (I loved it in there
with its ancient wooden escalator), FAO Schwartz, Victoria’s Secrets – the list
goes on. We also have a nose in Tiffany’s - when in New York and all that.

Over tea Kate asks me how Leo is
and I tell her about our argument.
‘Oh, Gemma.
I can’t
believe you did that. You sent him away. You’ve as good as told him you don’t
care about him.’ Her eyes are wide and anxious.

I splutter some of my Diet Coke.
‘But it’s because I care that I encouraged him to go for it. I don’t want to
stop him pursuing his dream.’ Doubt has set in big-time however.

Kate is relentless. ‘It’s his
decision though, not yours. He’d already decided not to take the job.’

‘Because of
me!’

‘Yes, because of you. What’s
wrong with that? He knew you would have supported him going, but he was still
going to turn it down. He loves you, Gemma. Of course he doesn’t want to leave
you.’

Does Leo love me? He hasn’t said
so, but then it’s still early days. I toy half-heartedly with the mountain of
fries. The cheeseburger is the size of one of my side plates at home, and
though I’ve nibbled around the edges, it remains huge. The portion sizes are
ridiculously large over here. ‘Well, it’s done now. I still think Leo should
give the new job a try, even though I’ll miss him dreadfully.’ I’ll miss him
anyway me-thinks, as whether he stays or goes, Leo won’t want to see me again.
I’ve blown it.

‘You’re being so passive, Gemma.
Where’s all your positivity gone? You’re just going to give up, are you?’

I look down at the table. ‘I
don’t want to,’ I say quietly. ‘I don’t know what to do. Leo won’t speak to me.
I’m so tired.’

Kate places her hand on mine. ‘Of
course you are. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve got some more fighting to
do. As soon as we get back, you need to go and see Leo.’

‘But I haven’t got anything new
to say.’

‘Tell him how you feel.’

I stare at Kate. I’m going to
tell Leo I love him, that’s what I’m going to do. I feel hopeful all of a
sudden. ‘You’re right, Kate.
 
When did
you get so assertive?’ She’s like a different person.

My friend grins. ‘It’s this city.
I feel like anything is possible.’

We happily make plans for
tomorrow – our last full day in New York. ‘No more shopping please.’

‘Maybe just a
little more.’
 

‘As long as we go to the Empire
State Building, I’ll be happy.’

‘We’ll make that our first stop
then.’

The next day is a busy one. We
stock up on calories first thing by having pancakes at a diner. We realise –
too late – that we could have shared one serving, when we’re both presented
with a dinner plate stacked with four thick pancakes, along with ice-cream and
maple syrup. They’re gorgeous, but again, we don’t do them justice.

What a day. From Grand Central
Station’s amazing ceiling constellations, to the top of the Empire State
Building. We had to queue for three hours at the Empire State Building. First
came
the security line, then the ticket line, then the
elevator line. We should have bought tickets in advance. It was a long and
boring wait, but so worth it in the end. The observatory was crowded, but we
managed to shuffle our way around each of the four outdoor promenades. The
views of New York and the surrounding area were spectacular. The port shimmered
in the sunlight and the glass skyscrapers glinted. I vowed to myself whilst I
was up there that my life is going to be different now. I’m not going to coast;
I’m going to
do
things.

Kate and I couldn’t resist a horse
and carriage ride around Central Park. Along the way we caught tantalising
glimpses of a lake, a zoo and a fair. The park is surrounded by skyscrapers –
it’s like a green oasis amongst all the frenetic activity of the city. Our
driver kept up a near constant spiel about the area. He took photos of me and
Kate at the end of the ride. I thought of Leo and wondered whether we’d ever
come to New York together and take a horse and carriage ride, nestling up under
a blanket. It would be so romantic. I’d like to think it could happen one day.

I’ve seen so many churches whilst
I’ve been here, nestled in-between skyscrapers, each one a wonderful discovery
because the architecture is stunning. I slip away from the hotel early on our
last morning, and enter one of the churches, taking a seat at the back. It’s so
peaceful. I’m not religious, but I do think there is a
supreme
being
or entity out there. I say goodbye to New York by way of lighting
a candle. I want to leave a little part of me behind in this city. This trip
has been brilliant, but now it’s time to go home and for real life to resume.

I go straight to bed when I
arrive home. I get up late afternoon, put some washing on, and open the post
over a cuppa and a sandwich. The doorbell rings. I forget to breathe
momentarily, so mesmerized am I by the sight of Leo on my doorstep.

‘I’m sorry,’ we say in unison,
then laugh

‘Come in.’ I open the door wider
and step aside so Leo can pass me. We go through to the lounge where we remain
standing.

‘Good trip?’

‘Yes. Listen, I want you to
follow your dream.’

Leo nods. ‘But it’s my decision
to make, not yours. It made me think you don’t want me around.’

I take a step closer to him.
‘Never think that. I’ll be gutted if you do move to London.’

Leo moves towards me. He’s now so
close that there’s only a thin slither of air between us. His eyes search my
face. ‘I love you, Gemma Jones.’

Bubbles of joy burst inside me.
‘I love you too.’ And then he kisses me and all thoughts as to whether Leo will
move to London or not are lost in the exquisite sensation.

***

Leo decides to give the job a go
and all too soon it’s time for him to catch the train to London.

‘I don’t want to leave you.’ Leo
rests his forehead on mine.

‘I don’t want you to go.’
  

Leo grips my shoulders, leaning
back to look at me. ‘I’ll stay.’

I let his words linger in the air
for a moment. It’s tempting and for one delicious minute I savour the thought
of Leo staying. Instead of waiting for him to call me later from London, we
could be cuddling up together on the sofa watching a film. It pains me to know
that I’m the one who has instigated our separation, encouraging Leo to take the
job the way I have, but I’ve done the right thing I tell myself firmly. I
stroke one of Leo’s stubbly cheeks. ‘Give it a try.’

His green eyes beseech me. He’s
so close to ringing the magazine tomorrow morning to tell them he’s not going.

‘It’s something you’ve always
wanted to do. I mean, what an opportunity – to work on a national magazine. If
you don’t go you’ll always be wondering “what if?”.’

Leo groans and his shoulders
slump. ‘I wish I’d never applied for the bloody job now.’

Why am I sending the man I love
away again? Remind me? Oh yes, it’s precisely because I do love him that I want
the best for him. I dredge up a smile. I’ll miss him so much. I bite my lip,
willing the tears away. We’ll still see each other. We’re planning to take it
in turns to travel every weekend, and in the meantime we can phone, text,
email, and Skype each other. It won’t be perfect, but life isn’t perfect is it?
I take a deep breath. It’s time for one more kiss and a hug so tight the breath
is almost squeezed out of me. We say ‘see you soon’ in unison and then, as if
on auto-pilot, I’m watching Leo walk to his car at the end of the street. I’m
trying to smile as I’m determined not to cry in front of him. It’ll only make
it harder for him to leave.

Suddenly, Leo is striding back
towards me. Two strong arms envelop me. ‘I’m going to miss seeing that smile
every day. I love you.’ He’s smiling but his eyes are bright with unshed tears,
much like my own.

‘I love you.’ Amazingly I can
still smile despite the tears forming. A few more lovely kisses and then he
really is gone. I wait for ages in the hall, propped up against the wall, in
the vain hope he’ll come back for another quick kiss and cuddle. Will it all
work out? Will our relationship last? I only know that we’re going to give it a
damn good try.