Skin Deep (11 page)

The veranda at the front of the building was full already. Boys passing bottles around that they hid in the plant pots when they’d taken a drink and girls comparing outfits. I recognised a few of them from school.

We passed a couple on a bench by the door. The girl caught my attention because she wore the shortest, tightest white dress I’d ever seen and white platform heels with laces that crisscrossed up her legs to mid-calf. She was with a boy who had his arm round her and was muttering something in her ear while she rested her hand on his leg in a possessive way. She was pretty, but she would’ve been nicer with less jewellery and bottled tan. It made her look cheap.

I stumbled as I saw the boy’s face.

Ryan?

It was a couple of weeks since I’d last seen him. He looked different somehow. Perhaps it was the smart clothes – black trousers and a narrow-fitting black shirt shot through with faint pinstripes of white. But his face looked different too as he spoke to the girl. A harder expression that made him look older and . . . and a little bit scary.

He glanced up when he heard my heel scuff the ground. His eyes widened and he smiled. ‘Hi,’ he mouthed. The girl scowled at me until she got a good look at my face and relaxed.

No, I’m not a threat to you, am I?

‘Do you know him?’ Beth whispered as we went up the steps to the door.

‘I’ve run into him a few times. Why?’

‘Is he nice?’

‘Yes, why?’ She could not seriously be on a match-making mission.

‘Because that girl he’s with is a Class A1 bitch.
And
she’s slept with half the town. Her name’s Sadie. My cousin told me about her. She’s best friends with Sadie’s little sister. You should warn him about her.’

‘I don’t know him
that
well.’

Yes, good one, Beth. I could just picture it. ‘Ryan, I thought I’d better tell you that your girlfriend is a slut. No ulterior motive of course.’ He’d really believe that.

‘Oh, look, there’s Max!’ Beth pointed to a boy at the bar.

I got a good look at him before he saw us. He was a nice surprise. I’d built up a dread in my head that he looked like a cross between a Munchkin and Lee West in the year above us (who had so many spots that his face could be used as a join-the-dots puzzle). But Max was mostly spot free and wasn’t exceptionally ugly or exceptionally gorgeous. He looked like any other average boy. I let my breath out – I wouldn’t have to lie to Beth. ‘In the blue shirt? He’s much fitter than you made out.’

Beth glowed. ‘Come and meet him.’

Max’s face lit up when he saw her. He slipped his arm round her and kissed her cheek. Jealousy spiked through me. What I wouldn’t give for a boy to look at me like that. Beth did the introductions: Max, his older brother, two other boys they knew. All had been pre-warned, that was obvious from the way their gazes slipped over my face and moved to rest on safer ground, carefully not staring.

Max bought me a Coke. His brother and the other two lads talked about rugby while Beth and Max chatted about the battle re-enactments, trying to include me with an occasional comment like, ‘You should have seen his face, Jenna, it was so funny!’ But they were just being kind. Anyone could see they were only interested in each other, and I didn’t understand or care about what they were talking about. I stood smiling vacantly and twisting my glass of Coke in my fingers, wishing I’d never come.

I retreated to a dream world where I lived on a desert island and there were no people, only dogs and Arab horses to keep me company. No school to face, no parents feeling guilty when they saw me, no disgusted looks, no sniggering behind my back. Sun, sea, miles of white beach, palm trees for shade, all for me . . .

Then I noticed Beth start backwards, her mouth opening in surprise. Her eyes flashed to mine and I spun round before she could put out a hand to stop me.

Steven Carlisle.

Standing in the doorway with a girl on his arm. A slim blonde in a beautiful green dress. The kind of girl every other girl in the room wanted to be.

Beth grabbed my arm. ‘Jenna – God, I’m sorry. I should have thought. But he’s over eighteen. He shouldn’t be here.’

‘He’s on the team. His dad gives money to the club,’ I replied dully. ‘He can probably do as he likes.’

Steven sauntered through the bar with his newest girlfriend clinging adoringly. He walked through groups of people, pausing to speak to a chosen few, until he got to the bar.

Where he saw me.

He stared.

His lip curled as if he’d seen something white and pulpy under a stone.

And then very deliberately, he turned his back on me.

He bent his head to catch something the girl said and laughed loudly.

Beth yanked me by the arm. ‘Jenna, come away.’ I let her pull me into the next room where it was quieter.

‘He should be dead,’ I hissed. ‘He should. Not Lindz. And not Charlotte.’

‘Jen, let it go. He’s not worth it.’

‘But Lindz is.’

Max hurried in after us. ‘Are you OK? He’s cleared off on to the veranda where the team are. He’ll hang out there most of the night, I reckon. We’ll just avoid him.’

The DJ turned the volume up and a group of people drifted on to the dance floor. ‘Come and dance,’ Beth said, more to distract me than because she really wanted to. I let her talk me into staying on the floor for a few tracks and we danced while Max shuffled around apathetically as boys do when they’re not sure what to do with their arms and legs. But it was hot under the lights as the floor got more crowded and I began to worry that my thick layers of make-up would melt and run. I made an excuse in Beth’s ear about needing to cool off and retreated to a table by an open window where she could still see me.

An R&B track came on and the girl in the white dress ran in through the French doors dragging Ryan behind her. I shrank back in the chair and bent my head over my drink. When I sneaked a look up, they were dancing together. He rested his hands on her hips and she was wiggling between his legs, slammed right up to him. She was a good dancer. When the track ended, he grabbed her hand and pulled her back outside.

I sat back and watched the glitter ball spin above the floor. Laughter drifted across from people at the other tables and through the open window from outside. Beth waved at me and I waved back, but I wished she’d leave me alone. I watched the clock on the wall. The minutes ticked by painfully slowly and I willed the hand to move faster so this could be over.

‘Hi.’ A boy slid into the seat next to me. ‘Not dancing?’

‘Taking a break.’

‘Me too.’ He leaned towards me so I could hear him over the music and I smelled cider on his breath. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Jenna.’

‘Hi, I’m Ed. Are you here with your boyfriend?’

How much had he been drinking? Couldn’t he see straight? ‘No, with friends.’ I waved vaguely at the dance floor.

‘So your boyfriend’s not here?’

‘I don’t have one.’

‘No way, I can’t believe that. Obviously you haven’t met the right guy yet.’ He grinned as if he’d said something really witty. His face had that odd look that boys’ faces go through. One year they look like Charlie, all cute and babyish; then they come back after the summer holidays and they’ve changed, but they haven’t got where they’re going yet. They look funny, kind of like a werewolf transforming in a film. Their noses don’t fit and their jaws are a different shape. Weird. Still, I was in no position to be fussy and I really should know better.

‘Obviously not,’ I said, forcing myself to smile back.

It turned out he was in the under-fifteens rugby team. He told me all about it, match by match for every game this season. I did interested noddies, but I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about. All the magazines said boys like to talk about themselves and girls should encourage them so I did try. He never asked anything about me, just bragged about his rugby tries. It crossed my mind that he might be trying to impress me, but that was just silly.

‘You want to get some air?’ he asked. ‘It’s stuffy in here.’

At that moment, Steven Carlisle appeared in the bar, looking towards the dance floor, so I nodded automatically and followed Ed outside. Beth gave me a delighted thumbs-up.

‘Round here,’ he said. ‘It’s quieter.’ He walked round to the back of the clubhouse. After the heat inside, the cool air nipped my face. My ears rang from the music. The change in temperature and the darkness made me dizzy, and I leaned on the wall and closed my eyes to stop my head spinning.

‘Hey,’ Ed said, too close. When I opened my eyes in alarm, he was only centimetres away.

‘What –’ I started to say, but his mouth pressed down on mine.

In the films when a guy kisses a girl, he touches her face. Ed didn’t touch mine. The cider on his breath was stale and sour and it made me want to heave. He stuck his tongue in my mouth, jamming it in, wet and slippery and . . . horrible.

It isn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to like it. What’s wrong with me?

He grunted and leaned against me. I didn’t know what to do so I stood there with my mouth open and my hands hanging by my sides. His hands fumbled with the hem of my top and then slid under. He grabbed my breasts and squeezed as he pushed his tongue deeper in my mouth. The thump of the music inside beat into the back of my head through the wall while he made strange, panting noises. But when he started to rub against me, I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I shoved him away hard. He didn’t expect it and I caught him off balance, enough to make a gap between us so I could break free and run. I couldn’t stop to explain. What could I possibly say? Frigid, that’s what they called girls like me. Maybe Steven had damaged more than my face when he crashed the car. Maybe something had gone wrong inside my head too. A scarred freak. A scarred, frigid freak.

Beth wasn’t on the dance floor any more. I pushed through the crowd to look for her so I didn’t have to be alone when Ed came back in. People jostled around me, muttering angrily as I squeezed past without waiting for them to move.

I heard Beth before I saw her, standing by the bar, talking to Max. ‘She’s so different now. Won’t go out. Won’t do anything. She thinks everyone is looking at her.’

‘Yeah, but they are,’ Max replied.

‘But they’d get used to it. She doesn’t give them a chance. She doesn’t talk to most of the people at school any more. It’s like she’s forgotten how. You can’t have a conversation with her. Even with me she’s not the same.’

Not the same? Of course I’m not the same! You try walking around like this and see how normal you are, you stupid, thick cow!

Tears stung my eyes. Beth was supposed to be my friend and there she was telling a guy who didn’t even know me all that stuff that should be private.

I heard Steven Carlisle’s hateful laugh across the room and there he was again, his arm round that girl like it would’ve been round Lindz once.

Got to get out of here.

I began pushing through people again until I got to the veranda, but Ed was out there with a bunch of lads. I stopped, uncertain where to go next.

‘Come on, you owe me twenty quid,’ Ed said, laughing, to one of the others.

‘What, you actually did it? You kissed her.’

My breath stopped.

‘Yup, so hand it over. And give me a drink. I need it after that.’

The other one pulled some notes out of his wallet. ‘Go on then, what was it like?’

‘Gross. She was totally up for it though. Thought she was gonna eat my face off!’

His mate laughed. ‘Fair play, man, you win! How did you manage to do it?’

‘With my eyes shut, you dick, how do you think?’

I reeled away from the door. Tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks as I blundered towards the main entrance. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, but I had to get out. My heels slipped on the steps as I ran out and I nearly fell, but I caught the handrail to save myself.

The laughter and music echoed after me as I stumbled down the path.

‘Hey!’ a voice called behind me as I ran faster, blinded by tears and the darkness after the lights inside.

Useless, stupid freak. Nobody would kiss you unless they were paid to.

‘Hey!’ the voice called again. A male voice. And then, ‘Jenna, wait!’

I kept running.

‘Jenna, stop.’ The voice was close and a second later, he’d skirted round in front of me. I tried to veer to the side, but he grabbed my arms. ‘Jenna, woah, what happened?’

Ryan.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘W-w-w . . .’ I couldn’t get any words out.

He pulled me towards him and put his arms round me. My nose squashed against his shoulder. ‘Sshhh, sshhh.’

He was big and warm and solid and I didn’t have enough energy to fight so I leaned on him and sobbed.

He stroked my hair. ‘Jenna, tell me what happened? Has someone done something?’

‘Who-who’d w-want to do anything t-to me?’ I hiccuped against his chest.

He hugged me tighter. ‘That’s bullshit. Tell me what happened.’ He ducked his head down and tugged mine up. ‘Was it that guy from the accident? He’s here, isn’t he? Someone pointed him out to me.’