Slave Empire III - The Shrike (13 page)

“Have you ever
tried to change?”

“I never wanted
to, until I met you, and now I think it’s too late. My aversions
and reactions are too ingrained. I want us to have what we had
before, but if you don’t want to I’ll understand. We can just have
the ceremonial bond that will ensure my people protect you. It’s up
to you, but I hope you choose to share your life with me.”

“Will you spend
more time with me?”

“So you want to
stay with me, like before?”

“Of course I
do! I…” She bit her tongue and looked away.

He cocked his
head, his eyes intent. “What? You were going to say you love me,
weren’t you?”

“No. Maybe. I’m
not telling you anything if you don’t feel anything for me.”

He raised her
hand and kissed the back of it. “Rayne… I’m a telepath and you’re
an open book. You don’t have to tell me. I know.”

“That’s not
fair. It’s rude, too.” She frowned at the moss, annoyed that he
knew her secret, and had probably known for as long as she had.

“Do you really
think I would have let you into my life if I didn’t feel anything
for you? Not to mention rushing to your rescue whenever you were in
trouble. I’ve as good as told you what I feel, even if I hadn’t
been painfully obvious when I followed you around on the base.
Everyone else knew. Do I really have to say it?”

“Yes. I want
you to.”

He shook his
head and lowered his eyes. “Ah, Rayne… I fell in love with you a
long time ago.”

Her eyes
brimmed over, and her heart seemed to grow two sizes bigger. “Why
didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not much
good to you, is it? It doesn’t change anything.”

Rayne wiped her
cheeks. “I don’t have to tell you how much you’ve fascinated me,
since you’ve been reading my mind. You know what I think of you. Do
you really think your being a bit strange matters to me? I wouldn’t
care if you were paralysed from the neck down.”

“Trouble is,
I’m not in a floater chair, am I? I look normal, but I’m definitely
not.”

“Do you want to
change?”

“I never did
before, but now… perhaps.”

“Only perhaps?”
she teased.

“Yeah. That
says a lot, doesn’t it?”

Rayne looked
away as fresh tears blurred her vision, staring into the lake’s
clear water, where water plants floated like green hair. It
explained so much. His monkish lifestyle and devotion to his empire
were a result of this loner complex, this dread of being
touched.

It all made
such tragic sense. The mask and gloves were part of it, too. While
the mask was vital for hiding his face and collar, the gloves were
primarily to prevent people from touching him. She had noticed that
his aversions extended to being stared at, and the mask also kept
unwelcome eyes at bay. That was how he was able to deal with
people. That he had allowed her inside his armour was so much more
poignant and precious now that he had explained the other reason
for it, and his solitary existence. She guessed it had been a
process, one that had taken two years just for him to offer her a
place at his side to save her from her unhappy situation, under
heavy restrictions.

Then she had
tramped in with hobnail boots and he had pushed her away with
words, ever so gently, and she had bolted like an idiot. He had
been horribly brutalised in the past, she was sure, in ways that
his abbreviated story had barely touched upon, or, in all
likelihood, not mentioned at all. For some unknown reason, it had
made him extraordinarily gentle, but with deadly reactions to the
thing he had learnt to dread as a slave, and without which their
relationship could not progress: touch. She understood it, although
it saddened her beyond words. She blinked away her tears and wiped
her cheeks, took his hand and rubbed the smooth skin with its pale
scars.

“It doesn’t
matter,” she said.

“I don’t know
if I can make you happy, but I promise to try.”

She leant
forward and kissed his cheek. “Your love is all I need to be
happy.”

Chapter Six

Tarke looked
away, wishing her closeness did not make him so uncomfortable. He
had discovered that he could bear her touch, even enjoy it, up to a
point. It was a miracle that she could touch him without him
wanting to kill her. It gave him hope that he thought he had lost
long ago, that he might one day be able to put his past behind him
at last. He would not raise her hopes, however. That would be
cruel, and could have dire consequences later on, when she realised
the futility of her dreams. His previous plan had been a safer one,
but she had not been happy. He did not think she would be happy
with this arrangement for long, either, but it bought a bit of
time. She had no idea just how damaged he was, and he would never
tell her the whole story.

He met her
gaze. “I had to become like I am to survive. I don’t know how many
men I killed in the arena, but it was a lot.”

She stroked his
cheek again, and he fought the urge to move away. With a sigh, he
escaped it by stretching out beside her, rubbing his eyes, and she
propped herself up on one elbow to gaze at him.

“Maybe I could
heal you?”

He chuckled. “I
knew that was coming. It’s psychological, not physical.”

“Explain it to
me.”

“Physical
contact is repellent. I’ll either try to avoid it, or lash out. I
can touch other people, although I don’t like doing it, but if they
touch me, especially unexpectedly...”

“But it’s not
so bad with me?”

He nodded. “The
first time you touched my hand, I knew you were different.”

“But you still
didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I wanted even
less to do with you. You scared the shit out of me.”

She giggled.
“You didn’t show it.”

“I’m good at
hiding things.” He gazed into the distance. “My other aversions
include any encroachment upon my person, such as telepathic probes.
I hurt you when you tried that, I know. I didn’t mean to, but you
mustn’t do it, anyway. My reaction to telepathic intrusions is as
violent as my normal reaction to touch.”

“I won’t. I’m
not much of a telepath, in any case.”

“Enough of one
to make me almost fry your brain.”

“How violent is
your normal reaction to being touched unexpectedly?”

He closed his
eyes. “I’ve killed a few people.”

“That was a
long time ago, though, right?”

“No. The last
time was five years ago. But that was an assassin. My reaction
depends on what you do to me. Anyone who grabs me is going to get a
black eye, at the very least. Stick a needle in me, and I will
probably kill you… them.”

Rayne’s silence
told him of her disquiet, and he did not blame her. She was safe
from his reactions, though, he was fairly sure. If he harmed her,
he would be never forgive himself, and that had been another reason
to keep her at a distance, where she was safer. Whenever he had
been in her company, he had kept her in sight, just in case she had
the urge to grab him for whatever reason. It had always made him
edgy, however. Now that she knew, he hoped he would be able to
relax a bit more in her company. He opened his eyes to find her
studying him, which instantly made him uncomfortable.

“This must be
hard for you,” he said.

“It must be
hard for you, too. In time it’ll get easier, as you get used to it,
won’t it?”

“I want it to,
but I don’t know.”

She smiled.
“You’re not the kind of man who accepts failure, and, since you
haven’t tried before now, you don’t know what’s going to happen. It
could be easier than you think.”

“You might get
hurt, though, and that, I don’t want to do. There will be times
when I can’t deal with touch at all, not even yours.”

“I can deal
with it, now that I know how you feel.”

He squeezed her
hand. “I’ll do my best to make up for it. I can be nice… even
friendly… sometimes.”

“I noticed
that.”

He smiled.
“Your attempt to seduce me before you ran away was somewhat
alarming, I must admit.”

“Oh… the black
dress?”

“Yes, the black
dress.”

She lowered her
eyes. “I thought if that didn’t work, nothing would.”

“It should have
worked. I wanted it to, but I knew it wouldn’t.”

“And you had to
start a five-alarm fire to escape.”

He laughed.
“You figured that out, huh? I didn’t actually start a fire, just
set off the alarm. The fire fighters were not amused.”

“I’m sure you
could have fought me off if you’d wanted to.”

“But I didn’t
want to. That would have hurt your feelings. I thought I could keep
it casual without telling you the truth.”

“And how long
did you expect that to work?”

“I wasn’t sure.
I knew you’d never admit what you felt if I didn’t, so I figured as
long as you didn’t know what I felt you’d keep your feelings in
check… somewhat. I guess I should have seen the seduction attempt
coming, though. I knew what was up when you walked in dressed like
that, even if I hadn’t seen it in your mind when you asked if we
could watch a vidfilm after dinner.”

“Then why did
you go along with it?”

“You’d have
just tried again, or tried without the vidfilm primer. You’d have
done something, I know. I figured I’d just have to deal with it.
What choice did I have? I couldn’t very well stay away from you
forever, although the thought did cross my mind. That would have
been far worse, though.”

“Were you happy
with the way things were then?” she asked.

“No, but it was
better than nothing. I knew I wasn’t capable of more. I’m still
not, Rayne. Remember that.”

“But you want
to try, right?”

“I do now,
yeah. I have a reason to, now. But… don’t hope. Accept things as
they are, because the chances of that happening are… almost
non-existent.”

“You know, I
almost climbed onto your lap that night.” She smiled. “What would
you have done?”

“I knew what
you were planning. That was why I set off the fire alarm. If you’d
acted impulsively and taken me by surprise… I don’t know, probably
set off every alarm on the base.”

She giggled,
and her eyes drooped. “I wish I’d done it, now.”

He smiled. “Go
to sleep.”

She lay back
with a sigh and closed her eyes.

When Rayne
woke, Tarke slept beside her, his back to her. She propped herself
up on one elbow to gaze at him, wondering if his revelation had
been a wonderful, impossible dream. A space separated them, and she
reached out to touch his shoulder, wondering why he slept apart
from her. Tarke jerked awake as if someone had rammed a red-hot
poker through his back, his elbow thudding into the moss between
them as he whipped around. Rayne recoiled, shocked. His eyes
focussed on her and filled with anguish. Sitting up, he buried his
face in his hands, then jumped up and strode away for a short
distance before swinging around and walking back to sit beside her
again.

He gazed down
at her with sorrowful eyes. “Sorry.”

She shook her
head. “Don’t be, it was my mistake. You warned me.”

“What you did
was perfectly normal. My reaction is at fault.”

“I understand
it, though, and I’m not offended, or hurt, so don’t be sorry.”

“This is why we
can’t live together.”

Rayne smiled.
“We can. We just can’t sleep in the same bed.”

“No. Definitely
not.”

She held out
her hand, and he took it with a smile. “But you are going to try to
get better, right?”

“I want to, and
I will try. That’s all I can promise, though. I’m not going to lie
to you anymore. You deserve the truth.” He gazed across the
lake.

“That’s all I
ask, that you try.”

He nodded,
lowering his eyes to the moss on which they sat. “Are you well
enough to return to the outside world?”

“I’m still
quite weak, but if you carry me, yes.”

“Then I’ll
carry you.”

“And I’ll enjoy
that.”

He chuckled.
“And I’ll be glad of it.”

“Already we
make progress.”

Tarke tugged on
her hand until she sat up, and enfolded her in his arms. She rested
her chin on his shoulder, revelling in his closeness as he stroked
her hair. His touch sent shivers through her, which she strived to
hide.

“This is nice,”
she whispered.

He gave a soft
snort. “I am capable of holding you, and I want to. You just need
to be careful, like I said.”

“I noticed that
no one ever touches you.”

“Most don’t
have the courage to take liberties with the Shrike, while others,
like Vidan, learnt the hard way. He got quite a few black eyes and
bloody noses before he stopped tapping me on the shoulder or
grabbing my arm to detain me.”

“Did you
explain it to him?”

Tarke shook his
head. “No, I just told him to stop doing it. You’re the only one
who knows.”

Rayne squirmed
closer, her arms tightening about him. How awful it must be, she
thought, to be forced to reject affection and the balm of human
contact by the phobia of being touched. The things that had been
done to him must have been truly horrific.

After a minute
he said, “Perhaps it’s time we left. There must be a lot of worried
people out there, wondering what’s happened to us. I want to take
you home. My people will be so happy.” His arms tightened again.
“When I brought you home, I was... inconsolable. You shouldn’t have
done that, Rayne. You almost died.”

She drew back
to gaze at him. “It was the only way to stop the telepath telling
anyone what he saw in my mind. I told your cruisers to destroy that
facility, but they didn’t do it.”

“Good god, did
you really think they would kill you?”