Sleep Talkin' Man (14 page)

Finally, just in case all of this wasn't anxiety-producing enough, we spent much of this period immersed in an acrimonious legal battle concerning visitation with Adam's children. Those of you who have been through it know how much THAT sucked.

So I think I've made my point: lots of stuff kind of sucked, and it was probably a fair amount more stress than the average first world couple has to contend with in the first two years of their relationship. Given all of that, one can easily understand how the acute stressors in Adam's life might have overwhelmed his psyche enough to cause STM to bubble to the surface. And yet, I don't believe that's the whole story. I don't think this strain alone explains why Adam began talking in his sleep. You see, Adam had been through even greater stress and hardship before in his adult life—a difficult marriage followed by a bitter divorce can be truly soul-shattering for a sensitive spirit—without making a single late-night peep. There must have been some other contributing factor.

Perhaps it was this: in spite of all of the difficulties that we were facing, Adam was the happiest he had ever been up until that point in his life. Yes, we were struggling with our circumstances, yes, our future was hanging in limbo, but we were thrilled to be in each other's company and starting our life together, and every day was a joy.

So, perhaps STM's emergence can be attributed to a combination of these two things: Adam's intense anxieties and frustrations had his subconscious running in hyperdrive, and because he felt secure and accepted, he felt the freedom to work it all out of his system through the catharsis of sleep talking. Considering how even-keeled and composed Adam remained in the face of every adversity we faced (far more than I did), that theory adds up in my book. So, you see, we think of STM not as a revelation of the dark abyss of Adam's psyche, but rather as a sign of Adam's mental health. STM is simply a processor—negative energy is metabolized into nightly nuggets of comedy gold. Ironic? Perhaps. But this way, everybody wins.

Thus, when I settle into bed each night, I know that at some point I may be awakened by Adam's subconscious playing out whatever bizarre catharsis will help to keep his day free and easy. And, more importantly, I know that in the morning, Adam will be lying next to me, ready to share a moment's laughter, and be the best husband I could ever hope for.

Bog –
n
Toilet, vulgarly. Used as verb in “bog off,” the order to go away. Similar to “fuck off,” but lighter on the profanity.

Bollocks –
n
Slang for testicles. And, similarly to “balls” in the States, may be used as an exclamation in a moment of pain or frustration. For example, “BOLLOCKS!! I slammed my hand in the car door. OWWWWwwwww.”

Bugger –
v
Slang for the act of one performing anal intercourse on another. Can also be used as an exclamation of frustration, “BUGGER! I accidentally deleted that file!” or be used in the phrase “bugger off” to mean “go away.”

CV –
n
Abbreviation for curriculum vitae, a synonym for r
é
sum
é
. In the States, this term is gnerally used only in academic circles. In the United Kingdom, it is used almost exclusively.

Fairy lights –
n
a long string of tiny bulbs used for decoration. In the States we generally referred to them as Christmas lights.

Fiddling –
v
Slang, for committing a pedophilic act. Generally used in the phrase “kiddie fiddling.”

Five-a-day –
n
Daily ration of vegetables recommended by the British government.

The fucking bollocks –
adj
Used to describe something that is fantastic. As in, “This cheesecake is the fucking bollocks!” One can also use “the dog's bollocks” in the same way, although I'm not sure what is so great about a dog's testicles.

Knickers –
n
Ladies underwear. Used when Americans might say “panties.”

Knob-end –
n
Literally, the head of a penis. Used to describe someone who, in the States, might be called a “dickhead.”

Jumper –
n
The item of clothing that in the United States would be referred to as a “sweater.”

Pants –
n
Underwear. This is ALWAYS the meaning of “pants” in the United Kingdom. If you mean to refer to the article of clothing that people wear to cover their legs, be sure to say “trousers.” This word has been the most difficult for me to adjust to since I immigrated. More than once, I have called across a crowded shop, “Adam, check if they have any good pants for you!”

Pissed –
adj
Drunk. If you mean to describe someone who is angry, “pissed off” still works as it does in the States.

Spot –
n
Slang for pimple. The equivalent of “zit” in the States.

Swede –
n
The British term for the yellow turnip that we in the States refer to as a rutabaga.

Tosser –
n
See wanker. “Tossbag” can be used the same way.

Wanker –
n
Someone who acts like an idiot or asshole. While “to wank” means “to masturbate,” “wanker” is rarely used for anything besides a term of general disrespect.

KAREN SLAVICK-LENNARD
is Adam Lennard's longsuffering and exceptionally good-humoured wife. Each night before she goes to bed, she turns on a voiceactivated recorder to ensure that she captures all of the nocturnal musings of Sleep Talkin' Man. In the morning, she transcribes and uploads the results to her blog sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com, and her Twitter feed, @SleepTalkinMan, where millions have flocked to laugh themselves silly. She lives with Adam and their dog, Molly, in London, England.

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Sleep Talkin' Man
Copyright © 2013 by Karen Slavick-Lennard
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Tom Daly
“A Word from our Friendly Neighborhood Sleep Specialist”
copyright © 2013 by Hugh Selsick

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EPub Edition © DECEMBER 2012 ISBN: 978-1-443-41216-2

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