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“
Derek…
”

“I’m right here babe….” His voice sounded distant but it was there. He was out there somewhere. I just had to find him through the dark and daunting emptiness that I was trapped in. “I have you… You can do this… You have to do this,” he continued, as I forced my way through the darkness, letting his voice guide me to a tiny spot of light that appeared before me. “
Breathe
. Just breathe, baby doll.”

As Derek continued to talk, the glowing light grew bigger and a dark outline of a figure appeared in front of it.
Derek
… I started to run towards him but the closer I got the more his features began to change. He got taller, much broader and his hair grew, transforming into a mop of tousled hair. By the time I reached him, it wasn’t Derek’s dark eyes staring back at me, but intense, greenish hazel ones instead.
Ryan?
I gasped at the same time a cool hand slipped into mine, freeing me from my personal prison.

“Baby girl, are you alright?”

I blinked away the last of the dark spots clouding my vision and took a deep breath. I was back in the car. Derek had his free hand on my back, gently rubbing in circular motions, while Clifford was staring at me through the rear vision mirror as if I’d grown an extra head. My skin was covered in a layer of sweat but that didn’t bother me because I knew I’d gotten through the worst of my panic attack.

“
Evan?
”

I turned to face Derek and gave him a swift nod.

“Ms. Montgomery, Mr. Montgomery has asked me to drop you off via the back entrance where he will be waiting for you just inside the door.”

“Thank you, Clifford,” Derek answered for me before opening the car door and stepping out. He gently closed the door and starting making his way round to my side of the car.

“Yes, thank you, Clifford,” I managed to mutter. “And sorry about―”

“No, no. There is no need for any apologies,” he began. “Today is a hard day for everyone, especially for you and your brother. But I…” Clifford cleared his throat before continuing. “I just wanted to say that your father was a good man, Evangeline, and that he loved you very much. Rupert and I were quite close and I can tell you that hurting you was the biggest regret he had in life. He was scared. I know that doesn’t make up for what he did, but believe me when I say that you never left his thoughts.”

I stared at Clifford, not knowing what to say. This man had been my father’s driver and personal bodyguard for so many years, that his family was pretty much a part of ours. He had lost his wife to cancer at a young age and was left to raise three, unruly sons on his own. That’s when my parents had stepped in. Rupert offered Clifford a job and the boys were sent to the same private school as my brothers. The five boys were inseparable after that. Of course, I was too young to join them in their mischievous games so I was often ignored or terrorized by the younger three, including Connor. Only Alex and Cole, the eldest of Clifford’s boys, would sometimes let me in on the fun. After the accident, I never heard from any of them ever again, but through Connor, I knew all three boys were doing well. They were all happily married, with children, and had respectable careers.

“Ready to go, baby doll?” Derek asked leaning into car with one hand against the doorframe. I hadn’t even heard the door open.

I gave Derek a quick nod before turning back to Clifford and mouthing, “Thank you.”

A small smile touched his lips before he added, “I’ll escort you both inside.”

CHAPTER 7

Once we were safely inside the church, I flew straight into my brother’s welcoming arms. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before releasing me to shake hands with Derek and Clifford, and then ushered us towards the first pew where the rest of my family waited.

I kept my head down most of the way but looked up a couple of times to glance around at all the curious faces. The entire room was jam-packed with people. I spotted a few famous designers and celebrities, and I could even tell where some of the athletes sat― not that I knew which team they belonged to. Over near the entrance, people were still pouring in. How many more would they let in? Surely it was a safety hazard to let it overcrowd.
Just breathe. Just breathe,
I repeated to myself.
You have to do this. You owe your father this much.

I felt a large hand envelop mine and give a gentle squeeze. I looked up and saw my brother’s green eyes on me as we continued to walk. He was checking up on me, making sure I was alright. I swallowed and gave him a reassuring nod. After all, I was okay. Even though there was a light, unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, I was going to be okay.

Gran and Pop greeted us with hugs and kisses. I could immediately tell that they’d already been crying. They were my maternal grandparents, but I know they had loved my father like their own son. This day was going to be hard on them, just as much as it was for me.

My uncle, David, on my mother’s side was there too, as well as my twin cousins, Willah and Hunter. Uncle David looked great in his dark tailored suit and Willah was gorgeous in a silk, black Missoni dress with a soft drape neckline, but it was Hunter who impressed me the most. I gave a thumbs up to my cousin, who winked back, because I knew he hated wearing anything other than flip-flops and board shorts. He was a typical surfer guy and dressing up in a suit was completely out of his element, but he looked very handsome in his suit with his sun-bleached dreadlocks tied back in a ponytail. I was glad they’d all made it. It proved that I wasn’t truly alone and was still surrounded by loving family.

After I finished hugging everybody, I took a seat in between Gran and Pop and never once let go of their hands. Clifford sat beside Gran, followed by my uncle and cousins, while Derek sat next to Pop, then beside him, Connor and Amelie.

As soon as I was sitting, my eyes landed straight on the large, white, open coffin resting at the very front of the church and I thought about him. I was grateful that I couldn’t see inside; it wasn’t an image of my father I was ready to see. Was he happy where he was? Did he find Mom and Alex? Would he forgive me for what I did? Could he see how sorry I was for everything?

The constant chatter of voices distracted me from my thoughts. They’d closed the church doors and the last of the people were taking their seats. Curious to see the woman who had replaced my mother, I forced a look to my right. There, on the opposite pew, sat a skinny woman dressed in all black, wearing a hat, covered with black lace draped over her face like a long veil. Two small blond boys sat on either side of her. The youngest, looked bored, while the other was busy playing with his tie. That had to be them.

“Holy cow. Did you know the entire Yankees, Jets and Miami Dolphins are here?” Derek whispered, leaning over Pop to speak to me. “Not only that, look over there, Evan, I swear the entire American fashion industry is here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire fashion world flew over for this.”

“Derek Wright, I hope you aren’t planning on talking throughout the entire service.” My pop scowled.

Derek frowned back at him. “No, of course not, Mr. Sinclair.”

“Good.”

Derek looked at me and rolled his eyes. I couldn’t help but shake my head at him. My pop loved Derek and treated him like his own adopted grandson, so Pop didn’t have a problem pulling him into line if need be. I was just glad Derek was here to lighten the mood.

The organ began to play just as Derek was about to open his mouth again. He shut it quickly and we both straightened up. Both Gran and Pop gave my hands a strong squeeze at the same time. God, I missed them both so much.

After almost three hours, the service, which included speeches by just about everyone who knew my father, came to an end. I was mentioned a few times, labeled as Rupert Montgomery’s ‘beloved only daughter’. I knew it was to be respectful but I couldn’t stop feeling as though they were lies. Yes, I was his only daughter but
beloved
? Rupert stopped loving me the day I killed my family. Clifford had it wrong; they all had it wrong. There was no way my father thought of me at all. He made that plain and simple the day he left me behind and stayed away for twelve long years.

I closed my eyes momentarily, and took a deep breath. I couldn’t be mad. Not today. No matter how my father had treated me over the years, it was he who had been the one to ask me to come back to New York for reconciliation. Rupert must’ve known he wasn’t going to make it much longer. And what did I do? I took advantage of that, and failed him when he needed me the most.

My eyes flew open when I heard the sound of everybody standing. I stood up with the rest of my family and fellow mourners immediately swamped us. I politely shook the hands of other rich and famous, nodding quietly whenever anyone passed on their condolences. I stuck close to Gran and Pop, and let them answer questions I wasn’t comfortable with. I managed to sink back and admire my brother as he responded to the questions and comments confidently as everyone crowded around him.
I wish I could be that brave
.

Just as my family was ready to leave the church, I had strange nagging feeling deep down telling me to scan over the crowd again and immediately I wished I’d ignored it.
It couldn’t be.
My entire body froze. I wanted to look away but it was too late, those piercing eyes had already seen me. It was Ryan. But what on earth was he doing at my father’s funeral? By the stunned expression on his face he was clearly surprised to see me as well. He didn’t even notice that his sister was tugging at his arm. When she realized that he was staring at something, she followed his gaze and her eyes widened when they met mine.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Gran asked in a soft voice beside me. The poor thing had been crying throughout the entire service.

I turned away from Ryan’s bewildered face and looked towards my gran. “Yes, Gran. I just thought I saw somebody I knew that’s all.”

“Well, you’re bound to recognize a few faces, Evie. All of Dad’s past and current employees are here. Some of them, like Clifford, have been part of the company since we were kids,” Connor answered, dropping in on the other side of me. “And why is Ryan Fox staring at you?” he added, leaning in close so only I could hear. I felt my cheeks burn. So, was that Ryan’s last name? How did Connor know him?

“I’m not sure who you’re talking about. Let’s just get out of here, please,” I urged, dropping my gaze to the ground.

The wake was held for friends and family at an exclusive hotel owned by a guy who had known my parents well. The place was big enough to hold almost everyone that had attended the funeral but luckily only a select number of people were invited. A couple of well-known media personalities were invited also; they were the only two my family trusted and had been friends with my father.

Most of the people stayed for a short while only, like my uncle, cousins and Gran and Pop. I would have loved for them to stay longer, but my uncle and cousins had to a flight to catch back to Cali, and my grandparents said they were too old to be staying up late and wanted some alone time to grieve. I kissed them all goodnight and goodbye, promising I’d fly over and visit in a few weeks.

It was sad to see my family leave, but I was glad Connor was still right by my side, especially when I was briefly introduced to Angelica, the woman who had been in my father’s life.

Angelica didn’t have a lot to say, and she left pretty early on in the night. I wasn’t sure why she was being so cold towards me, or why she didn’t look at all upset considering that her partner had passed away. But then again people dealt with grieve in their own way. I knew that better than most since, I was still struggling to come to terms with what happened twelve years ago. It wasn’t fair of me to judge her.

Much of the evening went by in a blur. I couldn’t recall the names of the people who had introduced themselves, only that they knew my father.

Later, when things got quiet, I sat with Derek, Connor, Amelie and a few of the gridiron players from the teams my dad sponsored: the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins. The guys were
all
seriously hot. How was it possible that men could be this good looking and get away with it?

Amelie spoke with one of the player’s wives, while Connor sat beside her, fully engrossed in a conversation he was having with a really attractive blond haired member of the Miami Dolphins. I was pretty sure his name was Hawke Hudson, or something like that, and his father was the famous rocker Jimmy Joss, a man I remember both my brothers idolizing when we were growing up.

Derek disappeared into the crowd numerous times, leaving me with a Jet’s player named Nick Kowalski. The two of us spoke about what life was like living on the West Coast compared to the East Coast, since we were both from the same state, and we also spoke about what things there were to do in New York while I was visiting. He seemed to be a nice enough guy except for the way he inched closer and closer with each drink he consumed.